I was a little skeptical about this weeks challenge at first – writing sketches for what (in some cases) are iconic characters created by comic geniuses felt intimidating and limiting. But for me, it ended up being a way of bringing some of my favorite characters into the modern world, and seeing what they’d think of it. So here’s my take on…well, why ruin the surprise….
INT. EXECUTIVE OFFICE – DAY
BARRY, a mid-level management type in a button down shirt and khakis, sits at his desk in a modern-day office, talking on the phone which is stretched across the room, staring at his computer monitor, and tapping keys on the keyboard.
BARRY
(speaking into the phone)
No Bob...it’s still stuck. IT said a guy would be down to like 30 minutes ago. Yeah...some first day. No wonder you hired me to get things back on track around here.
A knock on the door
BARRY (CONT)
Hey, that’s the IT guy. I’ll catch you at the meeting.
Barry hangs up
BARRY (CONT)
Come in.
The door opens, and in walks the SAMURAI, with swords and horn-rimmed glasses, pushing a cart full of computer paraphernalia. Everyone freezes when the announcer speaks
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
And now it’s time for another episode of “Samurai IT Guy”.
Everyone unfreezes
BARRY
Geez, it’s about time. I called almost an hour ago.
SAMURAI
(pointing and using cell phone to indicate he’s been swamped with calls)
Dorrr yahhhha ma ni cho.
BARRY
I know you’re busy, but so am I okay. So let’s just get this fixed.
SAMURAI
Nee goyo tai bo mai nechiua?
BARRY
Well, I was just working on my Power Point presentation for the executive meeting, and my computer just froze.
The Samurai gently pushes Barry out of the way and squares off on Barry’s desktop computer case.
SAMURAI
Haaaaayyyyyeeee!
The Samurai slams his forehead into the computer, stands back up, clicks the mouse and gestures Barry forward to see.
BARRY
Hey, it’s unstuck. Thanks.
Barry sits down and starts typing
BARRY
Oh man, one of those web pages with endless pop-ups. Man I hate these.
The Samurai pushes Barry’s chair away and squares off in a martial arts stance.
SAMURAI
Hai! Hai! Hai! Hai! Hai! Hai! Hai! Hai! Hai! Hai! Hai! Hai! Hai! Haaaaaiiiiiiyyaaaaaaaa!!!
Like Bruce Lee speed-punching a bad guy, the Samurai hits the keyboard with blinding speed, closing a pop-up each time. The battle won, he stands back and bows to the monitor.
BARRY
Wow. Lot of lonely nights web-surfing huh?
The Samurai awkwardly nods yes.
BARRY
You do great work.
SAMURAI
(pulling a CD out of his robes)
Doooorgguh ggaaiii hei mo nu tai cho?
BARRY
If the updates won’t take too long, sure, go ahead. I can work on my laptop.
The Samurai draws his long sword
SAMURAI
Haaaaaiiiiii!!!
The Samurai swings his sword out, just in front of the computer case, then extends it an inch using the tip to hit the CD tray button. The CD tray extends, and the Samurai puts way his sword then puts the CD he was holding in the tray. The Samurai pulls out two sticks of computer memory from his robe and shows them to Barry.
BARRY
I can definitely use more memory.
The Samurai pulls his long sword again
SAMURAI
Haaaaaiiiiii!!!
The Samurai slices the side panel off the computer case, then inserts the memory sticks. Barry now holds his laptop and is trying to move it across the room, but it’s still attached by a network cable.
BARRY
You guys should really need to go wireless.
The Samurai again pulls his sword
SAMURAI
Haaaaaiiiiii!!!
The Samurai cuts the network cord, re-sheaths his sword, pulls a wireless card from his robes and inserts it into Barry’s laptop.
BARRY
Hey, great!
DANIELLE, Barry’s pretty executive assistant, knocks on the office door then walks in.
DANIELLE
Barry, here are those fiscal reports from North American sales for the three-o’clock.
BARRY
Great thanks Danielle.
Danielle sets them on the desk, turns and leaves with a little smile to the Samurai. Barry and the Samurai watch her go.
SAMURAI
(suggestively)
Guuunnhhhh te hu hua te sai mao, nnnnggg nngggg nnnggggg, gai mei?
The Samurai pushes backwards on the handle of his sheathed long sword, so it rises up in front as he speaks.
BARRY
Stop...right there. That is damn close to sexual harassment.
SAMURAI
Neee oooiii te choooo me no?
BARRY
Yes she’s attractive, but you don’t say things like that in the workplace. As a corporate officer, I’m afraid that I am legally required to report this Human Resources and have you reprimanded.
The Samurai unsheaths his short sword, and starts exposing his chest with determined sadness. He takes the tip of the sword and places it against his stomach, closes his eyes and braces himself.
BARRY
Okay, wait wait...you’ve been really helpful so I’ll let it slide this time.
The Samurai sighs in relief and resheaths the short sword.
BARRY
Look, you really know your stuff. You’re quick, efficient, very personable. I always thought that “Asian guys being good with technology” was kid of a cheap stereotype, but you really know your stuff. I think you’re a great asset to our IT group and this company. Thanks for your help.
Barry shakes the Samurai’s hand, and the Samurai goes to leave pushing the IT cart out.
BARRY
Just one more thing. Where’s conference room C?
The Samurai thinks about it for a moment, then draws his long sword again.
SAMURAI
Haaaaaiiiiii!!!
The Samurai makes three long cuts in the stage-left wall of Barry’s office, then kicks the wall. A door-sized rectangle of drywall falls away and through the impromptu doorway is a room full of men in business suits sitting around a conference table.
BARRY
Oh hey, great. Hey guys.
Barry walks through the new door, the Samurai pushes his cart out the office door, singing and indecipherable song.
FADE TO BLACK.