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  • Pimp my TV (RA’s Entry)

    EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT

    A middle-aged black WOMAN cradles a bloody, lifeless young teen in her arms. WILL, a tall black teenager stands next to her. Sirens wail in the distance.

    WOMAN

    Will! Will! What have you done!

    CUT TO:

    CU on Will’s face.

    WILL

    Snitch got what he deserved.

    CUT TO:

    Medium shot. Sirens closing in.

    WOMAN

    Baby, you gotta get outta here. Go!

    Will pauses a moment, then runs. Camera lingers on him running away, then cuts back to woman and child.

    A funky bass riff starts playing. Quick cuts of the city streets – random violence on display everywhere. Muggers, prostitutes, pimps, and dealers on every corner. Cops beating a suspect in the middle of the street. The bass is joined by a small combo and continues through the trailer.

    TITLES fly on the screen like spray painted graffiti – “Mean Streets”

    NARRATOR (V.O.)

    Growing up on the mean streets of Philly teaches a brother to look out for number one. This fly young cat ain’t no different.

    TITLES – “One Fly Cat”

    INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

    A posh, huge house. A staircase spirals up in the background. Will stands in the middle of the room with a small bag in one hand and a gat in the other.

    WILL

    This’ll do.

    CARLTON, a short but muscular teen, enters the room wearing a bow tie. He’s got a shotgun trained at Will.

    CARLTON

    How can I help you, cuz?

    WILL

    They call me Fresh. I’m taking over this town.

    TITLES – “They Call Him Fresh”

    INT. BAR – NIGHT

    Will and Carlton beat down some thugs with baseball bats.

    TITLES – “Tough”

    NARRATOR (V.O.)

    From the rough…

    INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

    Will and a beautiful woman going at it.

    TITLES – “Sexy”

    NARRATOR (V.O.)

    …to the tumble. Fresh takes no prisoners…

    INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

    Will is surrounded by FOUR HENCHMEN with guns.

    NARRATOR (V.O.)

    …as he builds his army.

    EXT. STREET CORNER – DAY

    Carlton kicks a dealer repeatedly while Will watches, impassive.

    TITLES – “Cool”

    INT. BOUTIQUE – DAY

    Pricey. Lux. Will and his bow-tied sidekick shoot two well-dressed MEN in the head. A WOMAN watches in horror.

    NARRATOR (V.O.)

    He came to town an outsider, but became royalty.

    WILL

    Tell your boss I’m comin’ for him.

    The woman stands still, shaking.

    WILL

    Go!

    She runs.

    TITLES – “Commanding”

    INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

    Will and Carlton have two scantily-clad women each. A pile of money fills the coffee table in front of them.

    A BUTLER enters with a large silver tray. He lowers it in front of the men and we

    CUT TO:

    CU on two fat lines of coke. Will and Carlton lean into frame and snort it all.

    TITLES – “Living Large”

    NARRATOR (V.O.)

    He had it all.

    INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

    DON GIOVANNI sits at a small table in front of a huge plate of pasta. BODYGUARDS flank him. Across from him sits one of his LIEUTENANTs, scrawny and nervous.

    DON GIOVANNI

    What the -BLEEP- do you mean they ain’t payin’ the protection money?

    INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

    Will and Carlton stand amidst bloody corpses. Girls, their henchmen, their butler.

    NARRATOR (V.O.)

    And then he had war.

    INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

    Will and Carlton strap on guns and ammo, ready for war.

    INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

    Will lies dying on the floor. Don Giovanni is dead, his men are all dead. Carlton scrambles over the bodies to Will’s side.

    CARLTON

    (Through tears)

    You gonna be fine, Fresh!

    WILL

    I ain’t gonna make it. You gotta take my place. Carry on.

    TITLES – “Maybe Just a Little Bit Gay”

    CARLTON

    I can’t.

    WILL

    You gotta.

    (Coughs)

    You gotta.

    NARRATOR (V.O.)

    When the cool fall, it’s tragedy.

    TITLES – “The Prince of Bel-Air”

    BLACKOUT:

  • FSW: Pimp my TV (Ken’s Entry)

    Looks like I got the honor of being the first warrior on the field of battle this week…

    So this week we had a little change up, and got our sketch inspiration from the Pimp My TV contest going on at Filmaker Frenzy (http://www.filmmakingfrenzy.com/sites/filmfrenzy_beta/ViewFrenzy.aspx?FrenzyId=18) . In the tradition of John Woo doing Mission: Impossible and JJ Abrams directing Star Trek, I decided to go with classic show reinterpreted by iconic director.

    Take it away Mr. Director:
    _________________________________________________

    SLOW FADE IN:

    EXT. – PREP SCHOOL – DAY

    Snow flakes fall on the tops of an evergreen forest. As the camera descends in slow motion, we can see the red ceramic tiles of an estate-like building under a light blanket of snow, then we see big glass windows, beige stone, big wooden doors, concrete benches in the courtyard, and a brick walkway leading to the door.

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    This Christmas, one of America’s most celebrated directors brings one of America’s grittiest television shows to the big screen.

    Music starts, and the first words of “Girl, You’ll be a Woman Soon” by Urge Overkill are sung

    SINGER (V.O.)

    Girl….you’ll be a woman, soon…

    The music continues as the camera settles close to the ground in the middle of the brick sidewalk. Four girls – one blond, one brunette, one African American, and one heavier girl – all in prep-school uniforms (red plaid skirts, knee socks, navy-blue sweaters, carrying books) walk past the camera still in slow motion.
    The camera shifts around so we can see the school girls in profile. It goes down the line showing each girl’s face, pausing long enough for their name to be captioned with a name:

    Blonde girl’s caption: BLAIR
    Brunette girl’s caption: JO
    Heavy-set girl’s caption: NATALIE
    African-American girl’s caption: TOOTIE

    They stop in equal stances framing the big front door, which opens to reveal matronly woman in her late 50’s with bright orange hair (MRS. GARRETT).

    Caption comes up on screen: EDNA GARRETT

    MRS. GARRETT

    You lazy bitches better get in this motherfuckin’ cafeteria or I will get medieval on your asses, I shit you not!

    Titles come up on screen:

    QUENTIN TARANTINO’S
    FACTS OF LIFE

    CUT TO:

    INT. CAFETERIA – DAY

    MRS. GARRETT locks the doors behind the girls.

    MRS. GARRETT

    Listen up. Drummond’s fast tracked this job – it’s big. Gear up.

    JO, BLAIR, TOOTIE and NATALIE go pull folding cafeteria tables out from the walls. Behind them are racks of guns, knives, swords, etc. The girls start pulling them out and strapping them on.

    MRS. GARRETT

    We pull this off, and Drummond keeps Edna’s Edibles in flour, sugar, coke for a long time. Code names…Blair you’re Ms. Blond. Jo, you’re Ms. Brunette. Tootie you’re Ms. Black. Natalie, you’re Ms. Michelin.

    NATALIE is visibly pissed. The girls, armed and wearing black suits, black ties, white shirts and Ray Bans come to the middle of the room.

    MRS. GARRETT

    Drummond wants this clean, capice?

    BLAIR

    We need to make this quick. I got a date tonight.

    JO

    Me too.

    TOOTIE

    Me too.

    Everyone looks at NATALIE who keeps quiet.

    MRS. GARRETT

    Natalie, you’ve got clean up.

    They all exit, with NATALIE hesitating before following

    CUT TO:

    INT. EDNA’S EDIBLES – NIGHT

    MRS. GARRETT snorts lines of coke off the glass pastry case she stands behind in small bakery cafe cash. JO, TOOTIE and BLAIR tidy up around the shop

    MRS. GARRETT

    I can’t believe Natalie missed her shift. She never misses a chance to be around food. Something’s fucked up.

    The big storefront glass window with the words “Edna’s Edibles” explodes inward. NATALIE bursts through and unloads a pump-action shotgun blast into the pastry case. Three girls in prep-school uniforms and zipper-mouthed leather bondage masks stand behind her brandishing identical shotguns.

    NATALIE

    The motherfuckin’ cookbook…NOW!!!

    MRS. GARRETT tosses her a big book with a glare.

    NATALIE

    Edna’s Edibles is permanently closed…people in this neighborhood will eat at “Natalie’s Noshes”.

    NATALIE and the masked girls back out of the cafe with the book, and toss in several molotov cocktails. MRS. GARRETT speaks as the flames get higher around her.

    MRS. GARRETT

    (yelling)

    You can’t run bitch! My righteous fury shall be tempered in your flames, and my vengeance shall rain down upon thee like all the plagues of Egypt. Behold, for I shall come upon thee like a thief in the night, and that is a fact!!!

    CUT TO:

    INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT

    MARK, a teenage prep-school boy, sits tied to a metal chair under a single hanging bulb. His face is bruised and bloody. BLAIR, TOOTIE and JO stand around him.

    TOOTIE

    He ain’t gonna squeal where Natalie’s at.

    JO

    Bring in the gimp.

    BLAIR snaps her fingers. A door opens showing a sliver of light and a tall shambling figure walks in. Sweat pours down MARK’s terrified face as he hears the scarping footsteps in the dark. He’s almost ready to scream when the mystery figure, GERI, steps into the light and starts speaking

    GERI

    Hi I’m Geri. I’m Blair’s cousin, and I have cerebral palsy, but that won’t stop me from entertaining you with 30 minutes of people-positive comedy!

    MARK

    (screaming)

    AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

    CUT TO:

    INT. PENTHOUSE APARTMENT – DAY

    NATALIE and her masked girls kick in the white double doors and enter. NATALIE wears a samurai sword strapped to her back

    NATALIE

    Fan out…Drummond’s here some place.

    A short African American boy, ARNOLD, flies in and takes out the three masked girls with some fast acrobatic kung fu. He lands in front of the stair case. He also has a samurai sword strapped to his back.

    ARNOLD

    Mr. Drummond’s out.

    NATALIE pulls a .45 from her waistband and aims it at ARNOLD.

    NATALIE

    Says who?

    ARNOLD whips out a throwing star that rips the .45 Out of NATALIE’s grasp.

    ARNOLD

    Says me.

    NATALIE draws her samurai sword and goes into a dueling stance.

    NATALIE

    I’ll go upstairs and wait.

    ARNOLD pulls his sword and goes into his dueling stance.

    ARNOLD

    What you talkin’ ‘bout, bitch?

    CUT TO:

    INT. MUSCLE CAR – NIGHT

    JO drives, BLAIR rides shotgun, TOOTIE sits in the middle of the back seat. All wear Ray Bans that reflect street lights as they drive the black 1967 Dodge Charger. They stare straight ahead intensely as the engine roars, and don’t speak for a long time.

    JO

    You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in France?

    BLAIR

    Natalie would know.

    TOOTIE

    Natalie knows food.

    CUT TO:

    INT. CRUMBLING WAREHOUSE – NIGHT

    NATALIE has her sword drawn as do JO, TOOTIE and BLAIR. The three circle her. NATALIE is dirty, sweaty, and her school uniform torn. A spotlight pops on illuminating MRS. GARRET on the catwalk above the factory floor. Half of her face is scarred from horrific burns, making her twisted smile more horrifying.

    MRS. GARRETT

    Poor Natalie….the world never seems to be living up to your dreams. Girls, teach her a little life lesson for me.

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    You take the good…

    Close up on NATALIE

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    You take the bad…

    Close up on MRS. GARRETT

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    You take ‘em both and there you have…

    High shot of the girls circling NATALIE
    JO, BLAIR and TOOTIE lunge at NATALIE with swords above their heads poised to slash. The screen goes completely black and titles slowly fade up:

    QUENTIN TARANTINO’S
    FACTS OF LIFE

    Coming Soon

    This film is not yet rated

    FADE TO BLACK.

  • Happy Birthday, Ken

    INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

    Six white dudes sit around a table in a manly, meat-oriented restaurant. Glasses of beer sit at various levels of fullness in front of each man, a half-full pitcher in the center of the table.

    KEN

    That was great, guys. Thanks.

    DAVE

    It’s not over yet.

    KEN

    You mean?

    PETER

    Oh yeah!

    INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT

    KEN sits blindfolded on a straight-backed chair in the middle of the room. The other five men sit facing Ken in a rough circle.

    KEN

    Guys, this is awesome. Thanks.

    MICHAEL

    You deserve it.

    A CLOWN walks into the room holding a seltzer bottle in one hand and a cream pie in the other.

    KEN

    Is she here yet?

    RA

    She?

    The clown sprays Ken in the face. He removes his blindfold and immediately gets a pie in the kisser.

    KEN, DAVE, PETER, MICHAEL, RA, DAVID W.

    Happy Birthday!

    KEN

    You guys!

    The clown pulls another cream pie from behind his back and puts it square in Kens face.

    BLACKOUT:

  • FSW: Advertising Edition Wrapup

    Well frak if that wasn’t a hell of a war this week! To all the new visitors to Sketch War, welcome again. What you saw this week was a pretty good example of what we do around here every week, with a few minor modifications. We hope you enjoyed the sketches, and if you haven’t had a chance to read them all, here’s your chance. A record six warriors entered the arena this week swinging their +2 Maces of Mirth and Slashing with +4 Swords of Silliness.

    A variety of styles and approaches were on display this week. There’s something in there for everyone. Take a look and be sure to leave comments letting the brawlers know what you thought, good or ill.

    Next week we’re going to roll our a series of sketches based on the theme: Pimp my TV. Here’s a link to the contest that inspired it.

    If you think you’ve got the comedy chops to do battle with our scarred
    and bitter warriors, if you dare step into the hailstorm of seltzer and
    cream pies, if you think you’re MAN ENOUGH to make us laugh, write a
    sketch and contact us at sketchwar(nospam)@dreamloom.com.

  • Spelling Bee

    (A spelling bee. A banner stretches over the stage reading “The Rolaids Regional Spelling Bee.” Below it, several kids with numbers on their chests sit in folding chairs. One kid, SUSIE, stands at the microphone, her face clenched in concentration. An AUDITOR sits at a nearby table, waiting to hear her speak.)

    SUSIE
    May I have the company of origin?

    AUDITOR
    It comes from The Olive Garden.

    (pause)

    SUSIE
    May I hear it in a sentence?

    AUDITOR
    “The free breadsticks with my entrée were just one example of the Hospitaliano I have come to expect from The Olive Garden.”

    SUSIE
    Hospitaliano. H-O-S-P-I-T-A-L-I-A-N-O. Hospitaliano.

    (PING! A bell rings, signifying that this is the correct answer. A smattering of applause. SUSIE sits down. TIMMY approaches the microphone.)

    AUDITOR
    Your word is, “Slickery.”

    TIMMY
    May I hear it in a sentence?

    AUDITOR
    “With cold and flu season upon us, my family’s comfort is more important than ever. That is why I rely on N’ice brand throat lozenges to make my family’s throats feel Slickery.”

    BILLY
    Slickery. S-L-I-C-K-E-R-Y.

    (PING! A smattering of applause. TIMMY sits down. AMBER approaches the microphone.)

    AUDITOR
    Your word is, “Noid.”

    AMBER
    May I hear it in the form of a sentence?

    AUDITOR
    “The Noid has one nefarious desire: to make pizzas cold and unpalatable.”

    (BILL PULLMAN enters and speaks directly to us.)

    BILL PULLMAN
    Is this the kind of world you want to live in? Hello, I’m Bill Pullman. And what you see behind me is part of a future that is all too possible. With plummeting funding for our nation’s schools, and corporate interests taking over every aspect of our lives, our children may soon no skills outside of mindless consuming. And that will allow the Chinese to come over here and crack us open like a walnut.
    (He smiles.)
    W-A-L-N-U-T. Walnut.

    (BILL PAXTON enters and speaks directly to us.)

    BILL PAXTON
    A commercial telling you not to listen to commercials?
    (Looks to BILL PULLMAN.)
    Nice logic, spaz.
    (Back to us.)
    Do you want to live in a world of condescending, pedantic PSAs? Neither do I. I’m Bill Paxton, and I’m here on behalf of the Advertisers of America. Sure, you could stop paying attention to us. If you don’t mind the collapse of brand loyalty. If you don’t mind giving up your dreams of luxury and status. If you don’t mind Americans losing their standing as the best damn consumers in the world.

    (BILL PULLMAN steps forth and claps BILL PAXTON on the shoulder.)

    BILL PULLMAN
    Advertising is the Castrol motor oil that keeps the world turning. The Scharffen Berger chocolate bar we dangle in front of the donkey of industry.

    BILL PAXTON
    If we maintain the strength of our desires, we needn’t worry about the weakness of the economy.

    BILL PULLMAN
    And together, we can crack the Chinese open like a delicious Emerald walnut.
    (winks)
    E-M-E-R-A-L-D.

    (BLACKOUT. CAPTION: “Three Minutes Earlier.”)

    (Lights come back up. BILLS PULLMAN and PAXTON are gone. JOHNNY stands at the microphone on stage.)

    AUDITOR
    Your word is, “Advertising.”

    JOHNNY
    May I have a definition?

    AUDITOR
    Advertising: the action of bringing something to the attention of the public, usually through paid announcements.

    JOHNNY
    May I hear it in the form of an unwieldy, self-reflexive piece of sketch comedy?

  • Peter’s Commentary on the ‘Cartoons’ Edition

    I’m finally writing commentary for the last month or so of Sketchwar. The January 10th war had the theme of “Cartoons”.

    I think “Cartoons” is the best war I’ve been in so far.

    It wound up being one of the best topics, certainly. Mr. Porter (AKA “Coyote”) suggested “Looney Tunes”, I proposed generalizing it, and we were off and running. I loved that we all sat down and wrote cartoons. We could done something lame like having cartoonists talk about cartoons, or have a live-action scene that seems somehow cartoonish, but face it: if a reader comes to this war knowing the subject, they’re going to want cartoons, dammit.

    And even though we all performed the same basic task, we each had our own takes on the material. As Mr. Porter said, “We’ve got a Hanna-Barbera, a Loony Tunes, and what I’m picturing as a Tex Avery. Good stuff.” So not only did we like cartoons enough to try writing them, we also knew enough about cartoons to aim for (and hit) very particular styles.

    This time we had three entries: this one from Mr. Robertson, this one from Mr. Porter, and this one from me.

    Mr. Robertson did something cool with his sketch that you might not have noticed. By line four of the sketch, you think you know how it ends: Daphne and Velma reveal that they are lovers. Lots of sketches do this: there’s a setup, there’s a clear endpoint, and you spend three minutes bridging to that preordained conclusion. There’s no tension and there are no surprises — the plot is basically a clothesline you can string the jokes onto.

    But Mr. Robertson gets to that conclusion, and he still has about a third of the sketch to go. We don’t expect it to expand out into “the entire mystery-solving thing is a scam”, and we certainly don’t expect “Shaggy has been spying on Daphne and Fred.”

    That said, the whole thing needs to be about half the length. Mr. Robertson posted earlier about employing a looser style reminiscent of improv, but I don’t think it works here. The big problem with writing ‘loose’ sketch is that you run smack into audience expectations. The audience for an Apatow feature might expect loose improv-style comedy, but they expect a sketch to be a haiku. They want whatever happens is either funny or directly setting up something funny — anything else, however well-intentioned or brilliantly-observed, is going to feel like it doesn’t belong.

    So: a good six-minute sketch with a better three-minute sketch somewhere in there.

    Mr. Porter came through with a much more Tex-Avery-style cartoon.

    And my god it’s a good premise. Elmer Fudd accepting an award for his research into Hammerspace is a great idea for a setting — it’s meta, but it’s meta like the original cartoons were, not meta in that godawful, too-cool-for-the-material style. And the mayhem that happens makes perfect sense for the cartooniverse.

    That said, there are ways to improve the sketch.

    I’d find a different (and faster) way into the material. I’d cut the opening news segment and just establish in the first shot that Fudd is at an award ceremony. Bugs can announce that Fudd has won for black holes. Fudd can extract his acceptance speech out of one such black hole.

    Then you follow it up with anti-physics mayhem á la “Presto“

    Then there’s my sketch, “Frank Defeats the Angel of Death”.

    By this point, I have a straightforward workflow for Sketchwar. I get the topic on Saturday, and then I spend a few days freewriting, writing down lots of sluglines for what my sketch might be about. And as I’m doing this, I’m trying to find the one interesting thing that will get me from an idea to a completed sketch.

    Every time I’ve written something decent for Sketchwar, there’s been that one aspect of the piece that’s seen me through it. For the history piece, it was Joey’s overenthusiastic voice. For the first-date piece, it was the image of a couple at a restaurant suddenly attacked by ninjas. There’s always that one little thing that makes you giggle like mad, and you write a whole sketch just as an excuse to include it.

    In this case, I started thinking about cartoons. Then I started thinking about the great silent cartoons. And I thought about how those usually have simple objectives and really clear protagonists and antagonists. I figured I might have a cat as a protagonist.

    Somehow from that I wrote down the title “Frank Defeats the Angel of Death” and, well, that’s the sketch I had to write. You can’t think of a title that cool and then go write something else.

    All in all, I’m happy with what I wrote. I got the buildup going the way I wanted it — start with just the lobbed Christmas-tree ornaments, and then go from there. I got some good re-use out of the few elements in the room: tree, drink, fireplace.

    The ending was a bit wobbly. I knew I had to have Frank accidentally topple the tree — I think that’s what everybody expects, no? — and having that happened as the party guests arrived was a good way to make the situation even worse.

    I had a devil of a time figuring out where to go from there. In early outlines, I had the angel merely injured in the climactic battle, and then come back from the trash later on. I had Frank’s “explanation” fail utterly. I just never got a good ending out of it.

    The first good step was incinerating the angel. (“Ah! I can re-use the fireplace!”) The second good step was throwing in the reversal — Frank is in desperate trouble, and then everybody feels sorry for him and gives him tuna. I don’t know if re-using the popcorn rope really works as a last beat, but I needed some kind of reincorporation.

    That said, I think the whole thing could be funnier. I got a certain amount of humor out of Olive’s[1] yuppie yammering, but the scene itself is more “straightforward action” than I’d like.

    All in all, though, I’m content with my cartoon. The next two I wrote? I’m less happy with those.

    More later….

    ______
    [1] Note: I didn’t intentionally name-check Frank and Ollie with this, but I did notice it about halfway through writing.

  • FSW: Advertising Edition (Michael’s Entry)

    FADE IN:

    INT. BANK TELLER LINE – DAY

    MARK, well dressed and handsome, is standing in line waiting to cash a check. He notices GARY, dressed in drab, ill-fitting clothes, holding a sack of change. Gary looks at his watch.

    MARK

    That’s a nice watch.

    GARY

    Oh, thanks. My mom got it for me.

    MARK

    Same one Tiger Woods wears.

    GARY

    Oh yeah? I’m not really a golf watcher.

    MARK

    Who is? No, I just like the products the man pitches. He has good taste.

    GARY

    I guess I never put much thought into celebrity backed endorsements.

    MARK

    Well, you should. It used to take me hours to get dressed in the morning because all of my clothes were like yours, boring and un-endorsed. But now…

    Mark begins pointing out articles of clothing, starting with his shoes and moving up to his sunglasses. (Shoes, socks, pants, belt, shirt, jacket, sunglasses.)

    MARK

    Clooney, Gere, Depp, Pitt, Pitt, Eastwood, Dempsey. The cologne is by Federline and the boxers are Michael Jordan slash Cuba Gooding, Jr.

    GARY

    Wow.

    MARK

    Thanks. I know. You should try it.

    GARY

    I’d give my left nut for some fancy, advertised clothes.

    MALE VOICE (O.S.)

    I did.

    Everyone turns to see LANCE ARMSTRONG, dressed very fashionably, stroll into the shot.

    GARY

    Seven time Tour de France winner and Subaru pitchman, Lance Armstrong?!

    Lance speaks directly to the camera.

    LANCE

    Thanks to the generous folks at Celeb’s Threads dot com, now you can purchase celebrity endorsed items at deep, deep discounts. Look like Johnny Depp, in the pages of Vogue, without feeling like you had to pay with the family jewels.

    Lance waves his arm and there’s a bright flash and now Gary is also very stylishly attired. And in place of his sack of change, he now carries a man-bag with a small yippie dog in it.

    GARY

    Wow. Thanks Celeb’s Threads dot com!

    LANCE

    You’re welcome, Gary. Or should I say McDreamy?

    They laugh. Everyone admires what the other is wearing as the logo, a lemming wearing Hugo Boss, appears on the screen.

    ANNOUNCER

    Celeb’s Threads dot com. Celebrity fashions at trailer park prices. Because, let’s face it, we all want to look like someone else.

    FADE OUT:

  • Thoughts on sketch comedy

    There’s a lot of sketch comedy out there, and a lot of ideas on what makes sketch work. Even on our little platoon of sketch-warriors, you can see different schools of thought at work in our material. I thought I’d kick out some of the guiding principles I use when I’m working on a sketch.

    I think I’m the only active performer in our group (Mr. Brownlee’s recent leading role aside :). I do 2-4 live improv shows a month, varying from “Whose Line” type shows to full length improvised musicals and Quentin Tarantino homages. So I think I always have that feeling of making something work on stage when I work on pieces.

    The sketches that I’ve always loved have always had a satirical edge to them – like Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin sketches , Dave Chapelle’s Ethnic Draft on the Chapelle show, Monty Python’s Ministry of Silly Walks or Upper Class Twit of the Year (the Pythons were MASTERS of absurd satire). Satire to me isn’t necessarily political, they just have a target, something to say. They also have a basis in some readily apparent truth. Mad TV never did much for me because their sketches always seemed to be about throwing the weirdest possible character into some situation, and letting the wackiness begin. In the end, the sketch didn’t give us any food for thought, so our brains would toss it to make room for more important stuff. Every week when we get a topic, I look at it from the standpoint of “is there an aspect of this topic that I have a strong opinion about”, and start from there. If nothing comes from the topic itself, I explode it out until I find something I have an opinion about – “3:34am” led me to thinking about torture tactics, “advertising” led me to thinking about car ads, the current state of the American automobile industry and how it got that way.

    Once I have that I start thinking about the characters and relationships. I try to work on those at first more so than the narrative (plot) of the sketch. Creating a comic character, which is really just an exceptionally flawed human being, who breathes and reacts emotionally as he \ she tries to navigate through some situation generally leads me to plot points and actions more unique than I could find by sitting down and plotting things out. The relationship thing is definitely driven by my performer side – improv scenes that have a chance of going anywhere are always relationship driven. This is also where conflict, objectives (what the characters want) and obstacles (what stops them from getting it) comes from.

    Sometimes there isn’t an obvious relationship in a sketch – the car ad this week is a great example. But there is still a relationship, and objective, and an obstacle to be overcome with different tactics. The relationship in the car ad is bewteen the car companies and the viewing consumer. The car makers want people to buy, the consumer doesnt’t want to because times are tough. Objectives and obstacles – we’ve got some drama…whooohooo! The relationship then comes in – the car makers are pissed at consumers (us), so they’ll smack us with overwhleming Americana to make us feel heroic and patriotic, none of which has a damn thing to do with buying a car. The rest of the ad then becomes the car maker doing whatever they can to convince the consumer why they should go out and buy something despite the myriad reasons not too (fuel economy, image, technology, etc).

    I try to avoid the “joke for the joke’s sake”…I think sketches work best when the humor comes out of the situation and the charcaters, but sometimes there’s a cheap gag you just can’t pass up. Same with characters and plot points – sometimes there’s one so juicy you just can’t pass it up, and sometimes you regret it when you don’t.

    One thing I’m always working on is tightening scenes. As a performer, I like to give other performers the time to get emotionally invested, time to build tension, and a chance to act between the lines or play subtext. As a writer, it means I tend to create a lot of air by tossing in throwaway dialogue that I can do without. It’s filler that might be okay for two improvisors trying to find a scene, but it should get whacked out for a tight sketch scene.

    And I’m always working on clarifying my message, making my characters sharper (and more comically flawed), making their objectives clearer, the stakes higher, and the tactics more creative, and hopefully more active – it seems that, in my sketches at least, it can get awfully easy to let charcaters sit around and get talky.

    There’s a lot of philosphies about sketch (and comedy in general) out there, and all have merit. But this is what appeals to me, what stays with me after wacthing, and what makes me laugh. And I’ll keep working at it until I perfect it (which, of course will be never).

    Thoughts??

  • FSW: Advertising Edition (Peter’s entry)

    Friday Sketch War
    Advertising Edition
    “The ServTech Focus Group”

    FADE IN:

    INT. MEETING ROOM – DAY

    DAVE (30s, sharply dressed) and SAM (20s, nerdy) sit at a big table.

    Behind them sits an easel with a poster covered by a sheet. Dave has a clipboard on the table in front of him.

    Around the rest of the table sit ENGINEERS with name tags, including PHIL, RONALD, and HARPER.

    A video camera next to the exit door records the proceedings.

    Dave addresses the engineers —

    DAVE

    — so I’ll show you a new slogan for Sam’s company, and we’ll talk about how you customers feel about it.

    The engineers murmur agreement.

    DAVE

    Great! So: drumroll…

    He removes the sheet, revealing a slick “ServTech” poster that reads —

    DAVE

    “Solid. Secure. Servers.”

    Dave picks up his clipboard.

    DAVE

    Now, my first question is —

    PHIL

    Wait, Dave.

    DAVE

    Yes, Phil.

    PHIL

    So this is saying that we don’t know how to properly operate a server?

    DAVE

    I’m not sure I —

    PHIL

    I see this, I think, “Oh, sysadmins are too boneheaded to fix a system on their own.”

    HARPER

    As if they’re giving us the easy, safe, kindergarten scissors.

    SAM

    People, ServTech doesn’t think —

    DAVE

    Sam? Great. Keep those opinions coming. Obviously, nobody thinks you’re stupid.

    RONALD

    Oh, so now you’re coddling us?

    HARPER

    Like children in a delicate garden.

    RONALD

    Yeah! That’s what this ‘secure’ crap is about. You think we’re all just a bunch of neurotic whack jobs?

    SAM

    It means the *servers* are —

    DAVE

    Sam. Good, just let it all —

    SAM

    They’re jumping to conclusions that are crazy!

    RONALD

    “Crazy?!”

    General distress.

    RONALD

    This ad is just ServTech’s coded little way of saying sysadmins are crazy.

    HARPER

    Like foxes afflicted with herpes.

    SAM

    People —

    DAVE

    Sam.

    SAM

    Look, if you talked to any other sysadmins, they’d tell you this is unreasonable.

    RONALD

    What’s that supposed to mean?

    PHIL

    Sam is telling us we don’t have any friends.

    RONALD

    Oh, that’s low.

    HARPER

    The slogan really means, “Solid and secure, unlike you pestilential hordes who are fated to die alone, friendless, and in some quantity of your own vomit.”

    SAM

    What?

    PHIL

    This is, without question, the most offensive slogan I have ever! had the misfortune to lay eyes upon.

    RONALD

    I ain’t putting up with this crap.

    Murmured assent.

    The engineers get up and leave.

    The last engineer slams the door behind him.

    DAVE

    That slogan is a no-go.

    SAM

    Yeah. We can’t offend our customers like that.

    DAVE

    We’ll go with the previous slogan?

    SAM

    Yeah.

    Dave removes the “Solid. Secure. Servers.” poster to reveal the ServTech poster under it, which reads —

    DAVE

    “ServTech: because other servers will go down on you, and suck really hard.”

    CANNED AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.

    Sam and Dave react to this noise.

    SAM

    Where the hell did that laughter come from?

    DAVE

    I don’t know —

    Dave draws a gun.

    DAVE

    But I’m gonna find out.

    Sam produces an automatic and a wicked-looking knife.

    SAM

    Let’s go.

    Sam kicks open the door.

    They exit.

    FADE TO BLACK.

  • R.A.’s self-critique: Advertising Edition

    My advertising sketch is yet another example of an interesting premise in need of editing. I seem to be producing a lot of these lately. It’s a simple blackout, but I dragged it out by inserting the second scene in 1992. I think it’s necessary for internal narrative cohesiveness, but lessens the overall impact. Way too much time passes from setup to finish.

    Then I made matters worse because I didn’t trust the blackout.

    The second scene could probably have been a two- or three-liner, but I wanted to include the little “soften the ground” joke. It’s not a big laugh, good at best for a chuckle in retrospect after the final joke falls, and clearly unnecessary.

    Worse is the first scene. As I was writing the sketch I tried dealing with the tension between getting to the end fast and actually making the sketch *funny*. One joke sketches scare me. If the joke’s not funny enough, they’re complete failures. So I stuffed in the Don/Darren/Rock jokes, of which I hope everyone got at least two (and a gold star to anyone who got all three,) hoping to ensure at least a couple of chuckles. But of course that delays the time to blackout more, so it’s probably a net humor loss. Also, they should have hit quicker with a ba-ba-boom, boom, boom pattern. Oh yeah, and I *hated* the whole “crow kept tapping” crap but couldn’t think of a better way of implying Darren had been transformed. Ugh.

    And of course, the biggest worry is that the big joke didn’t actually land. Y’all got that Gareth’s dad wanted to “sell ice to an Eskimo”, right?