FSW: Job Hunting

Welcome back to another Friday Sketch War! WOOHOOO!!

This week, Richard gave us the topic of “Job Hunting”. And even though I know everyone and their brother \ sister \ cross-dressing uncle has written a Sarah Palin sketch, I just couldn’t resist.

I’ll update links to the other battlers as they come in….

UPDATED: Richard is doing some heavy recruiting and Michael shows us that there are great jobs out there, even for those wishing they only had a brain. And Michael gave us next weeks theme: Apocalypse. I’m guessing he’s been into the financial reports again 🙂
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INT. – TALK SHOW LIVING ROOM SET – DAY
Soft jazzy flute music plays and pink and green graphic comes up: “Job Hunting with Sarah Palin”. The graphic fades out to reveal SARAH sitting in a lovely living-room talk-show set, sipping a big mug of coffee.

SARAH
Welcome back to “Job Hunting ” everyone. I’m your host of course, Sarah Palin. Today we’re talking about how to get a job in a tough economy. I’m doing this because…

JOHN (O.S.)
“We” Sarah

SARAH
Thank you John….WE’RE doing this…

JOHN (O.S.)
Thank you Sarah

SARAH
…because we want every American to feel confident they can get a decent job even in tough times….just in case, you know, things don’t get better any time soon. And if you have those skills, you won’t blame your government for being unemployed, so John and me…

JOHN (O.S.)
Thank you

SARAH
…can work on important things like banning gay marriage, invading Iran, and blaming things on the Democrats. Now many of you are probably thinking “Sarah, what do you know getting a jobs in a tough market?” Folks, let me tell you something. In Alaska there are 15,472 men for every 3 women, and yet I got elected to two different public offices with only “Third Place Beauty Pageant contestant” and “Sports Reporter” to show for experience. Trust me, I know tough job markets.

Speaking of experience, did you know that’s the number one thing that keeps people from getting the job they really want – lack of experience? Most people will never apply for a job for which they have absolutely no experience. But I think God has qualified each and every one of us to be whatever we can apply for, and delusions of grandeur are just God’s way of saying “go get ‘em!”

So I’ve developed…

JOHN (O.S.)
WE

SARAH
WE’VE developed (thank you John) some unique but tested strategies to land that dream job whether you’re qualified or not.

First of all, let’s talk interview outfit. Pick something that’s a little conservative, then sexy it up a bit – shorten the skirt a little, leave an extra button on the blouse undone, etc. Think “sexy librarian”. The sexy gets them hot, but the conservative says “no touching”. Just let them try to think about your experience when you’re sitting down and that skirt is riding up. And if you’ve ever been in a beauty pageant, mention that in the interview…a lot. And don’t forget those glasses – a good pair of glasses both enhances and tones down the sexy – they’re just a little accessory miracle.

Obviously, that last bit of advice is only for the job-hunting women out there. It goes without saying that any man thinking about putting on a skirt is a homosexual, and deserves to burn in hell.

Now, when you show up to the interview, see if you can bring along an elderly person, preferably a war veteran, or even better an ex-prisoner of war with some sort of lingering torture injury. When you’re with someone like that, interviewers think “wow, this person must be reliable and trustworthy if a feeble old geezer like that is hanging out with them.” At the very least, interviewers will be thinking “how nice that they’re hanging out with the elderly”. So really, you really can’t lose with a senior citizen in tow.

So now let’s move on to the interview. You’re sitting there, and the interviewer is looking over your resume’.

Well, there’s your first mistake – NEVER let anyone see your resume’. If they see it, they have hard evidence that you’re unqualified. Instead just say things like “I think my resume’ speaks for itself”, and let them imagine just how great your resume’ must be.

Now, how do you handle that question we all hate:

“So, what qualifies you for this position?”

Wow….that’s A scary one, huh? But here’s a way to answer that question perfectly every time. Remember the word “ONCE” – O…N…C…E. That stands for Old job, new job, cosmetic enhancement. For example, let’s say you’ve been a garbage man and your applying to be the CEO of Sony. When the interviewer says “So what makes you think you could be the CEO of a major multinational company, just say “You know the difference between a garbage man and a Sony CEO? A good hair cut”. Trust me – it doesn’t have to make sense, just say it like it’s completely self evident, then let them figure it out. They’ll just smile and go along with you rather than admit they don’t get what it has to do with anything!

Ladies, try to use “lipstick” as your that cosmetic enhancement – that reminds them of that conservative sexy look you’ve been cultivating.

You can also claim “experience by proximity”. They say you’ve never been a CEO of a major corporation. You reply “well I live within 100 miles of dozens of CEO’s – so I’m probably over-qualified”.

If they keep pushing it, just turn the tables on them . They’ve never been a CEO or they wouldn’t be interviewing you, so they don’t have enough experience to be asking YOU about YOU CEO experience, do they? See how nicely that works?

Now, as a last resort, if they keep pushing you about experience, just accuse them of being a liberal intellectual elitist who’s completely out of touch with the American public. They may come back and argue with you about this, but you will have successfully taken all focus off your lack of experience. Mission accomplished!

Well, it looks like we’re out of time for today.

Thanks for tuning in everyone, and join me…

JOHN (O.S.)
US!

SARAH
…join US (thank you John) tomorrow when we tell you how to take out the competition by stealing their strategy and taking everything they say about you as a sexist assault. Bye bye now!