Sketch War

Category: Sketches

Sketch Entries from the warriors

  • FSW: Borders Edition (Coyote’s Entry)

    INT. BEDROOM – DAY

    Matching pairs of twin beds, nightstands, and dressers mirror left and right. A line of duct tape neatly divides the room down the center, right up the back wall, splitting a JONAS BROTHERS POSTER right between Nick’s eyes. EMILY, 7 and sassy, enters the left and notices a shirt edging over her side of the line.

    EMILY

    Mom! Maddy’s stuff’s on my side again!

    Mom’s heard this before and she’s tired of it.

    MOM (O.S.)

    So move it, Emily.

    EMILY

    She’s always over the line! It’s not fair.

    MOM comes into the room from the right and picks up the shirt. She folds and lays it on the right side bed. She crosses the line and sits next to Emily.

    MOM

    Em, you know she tries, but she’s not a big girl like you. Try to be understanding?

    EMILY

    Okay.

    CUT TO:

    INT. BEDROOM – DAY

    MADDY, a precocious 4-year old with a mouth as big as her sister’s, enters the empty room from the right. She spies a pink sneaker on her side of the divide.

    MADDY

    (whiny)

    MOM!!! Em’ly’s shoe’s on my side!

    MOM (O.S.)

    Maddy, what did we say about whining?

    MADDY

    (whinier)

    But, mom!

    Mom enters from the left, picks up the sneaker and puts it next to its mate at the foot of Emily’s bed.

    MOM

    Maddy!

    (beat)

    Never mind.

    CUT TO:

    INT. BEDROOM – DAY

    Emily enters from the left and sees one of Maddy’s dolls on her side of the room.

    EMILY

    Mom!

    VIRGIL, a mid-50s rancher in boots, jeans, and 10-gallon hat, enters from the right with a folding chair, sets it up on the center line, and sets hisself down.

    EMILY (CONT’D)

    Who’re you?

    Virgil tips his hat so-slightly.

    VIRGIL

    Name’s Virgil. You must be Emily. Your mom’s told me all about you.

    EMILY

    She has?

    VIRGIL

    Yep.

    EMILY

    Why are you here?

    VIRGIL

    Keepin’ the peace.

    Maddy enters from the right and stops dead in her tracks when she sees Virgil.

    MADDY

    MOM!!!

    VIRGIL

    Whoa now, little lady. No call for hollerin’. Name’s Virgil.

    MADDY

    You smell funny.

    Virgil plucks a flask from his pocket and takes a sip.

    VIRGIL

    Wouldn’t know about that. Been minding the border down Mexico way with the Minutemen. Then they finally up and finished that dadburned fence.

    Emily slides one of her pink sneakers across the floor to the line. Just as it breaks the plane, Virgil pulls a six-shooter from a hidden shoulder holster and trains it on her head.

    VIRGIL (CONT’D)

    Might want to rethink that.

    Virgil opens his flask again and offers it to Emily and Maddy before taking a swallow.

    BLACKOUT:

  • BORDERS: Better Than Hunting Rats (David’s Entry)

    EXT. HUNTING BLIND – NIGHT

    Bobby Lee (Early twenties, thin with scraggly hair) and Jasper (Late forties, tall with a beer gut and a camouflage jacket) are hunkered down, staring out over the rail of the blind toward a chain link fence across a plowed field. The fence is torn and curled back. Beyond the fence piles of junk rise in heaps.

    BOBBY LEE

    We’re wastin’ our time out here, Jaz. I knew you were full of crap.

    JASPER

    Just sit still and keep your eyes open. You loaded?

    BOBBY LEE

    Not yet, but there’s a bottle of Jack in the truck…

    Jasper turns and glares at Bobby Lee.

    JASPER

    You see me smiling? Your gun, dumbass…it loaded?

    BOBBY LEE (WHINING)

    Jesus, Jaz, you know it is. The shotgun and the rifle. Not like there’s anything to …

    JASPER

    There!

    Jasper points out over the field and Bobby Lee follows the pointing finger with his gaze.

    One of the piles of garbage has begun to move. Earth is tossed, and something very low to the ground is in motion.

    BOBBY LEE

    I’ll be damned.

    JASPER

    Happens every time they move a truckload to the landfill. Be ready.

    Both men lean down and grab a gun.

    JASPER (CONT’D)

    Remember now … just like in the movies. Head shots.

    Bobby Lee is barely listening. He raises his 30/30 and takes aim at a shambling figure rounding the wrecked carcass of an old Ford truck. A rotting, shambling form with a rebel cap perched on its head comes into clear view in the moonlight. Bobby Lee pulls the trigger, and the thing’s head explodes with a pop.

    BOBBY LEE

    Hoo Ha!

    Bobby Lee turns to Jasper, who pays him no attention but sites in on his own second target.

    JASPER

    Don’t screw around boy. Be quick! If we let them get past that fence, they’ll be headed toward town, and it can be hell trackin’ ’em all down. It’s like border guard duty.

    Both men aim and fire repeatedly. Zombies explode all over the dump.

    BOBBY LEE

    You were right about one thing. This beats hell out of shooting rats.

    Finally the very last of the things crawls out of a pile of garbage, shakes its head, and looks directly at the blind. Bobby Lee aims and fires and the thing’s head pops up in the air, severed at the spinal cord. It bounces like a ball.

    When there’s no more movement in the dump, Jasper leans back and starts gathering his guns.

    JASPER

    Let’s go get that bottle.

    The two men climb down slowly and walk back to Jasper’s truck. As he puts his gear in the truck bed, Bobby Lee stops and glances down at the bumper. He starts laughing.

    JASPER (CONT’D)

    What the hell is wrong with you?

    Bobby Lee points at the bumper sticker. It reads “The South Will Rise Again.”

  • FSW: The Heist (Ken’s Entry)

    Looks like I’m bringing up the rear today. Here goes:
    ___________________________________________________________

    INT. – ART MUSEUM – NIGHT

    GERARD and HENRI are in the middle of a laser-grid in a magnificent oak paneled room with a parquet floor. The two men are trim European men in their mid-40’s, dressed all high-tech looking black skin-suits, with black gloves and black watch caps. They are surrounded by red laser beams. The room is illuminated only by small pools of light and the intricate grid of laser beams that criss-cross the room. At the opposite end is an incredibly large diamond in a glass case highlighted under a bright spotlight. GERARD and HENRI gymnastically navigate the laser beams slowly with controlled athletic grace.
    HENRI slides deftly under a particularly low laser beam.

    GERARD

    (speaking with a French accent)

    Exquisite movement, my friend.

    HENRI

    (also with a French accent)

    Perfection Gerard, just as you taught me.

    GERARD

    Ah! Have we have become too good Henri?

    HENRI

    Too good for us? No. Too good for everyone else…oui!

    GERARD

    Sometimes I wonder…why do they even bother with security anymore?

    HENRI

    Oui…I think the same thing my friend. After all these years…

    GERARD

    All those diamonds we two have stolen…

    HENRI

    Still they leave them out, in plain sight, in glass cases.

    GERARD

    Oui. Thinking they are protected the lasers, the heat detectors..

    HENRI

    The hidden cameras, the pressure sensitive plates.

    GERARD

    Pittances

    HENRI

    Trifles.

    GERARD

    Does it stop us?

    HENRI

    No…never.

    GERARD

    They should put such diamonds in a safe at night.

    HENRI

    Or put some big metal thing around them when the public is not around.

    GERARD

    They want to tease us, Henri…to tempt us…

    HENRI

    Oui! They wish us to come out and play with them.

    GERARD

    (mockingly)

    “Oh…the cat burglars, they are so good”

    HENRI

    (in the same mocking tone)

    “They cannot be denied.”

    GERARD

    “We have no chance of catching such men…men with such panache.”

    HENRI

    “They are so much better than we in every way!”

    GERARD

    “They are clever”

    HENRI

    “They are handsome”

    GERARD

    “They are stylish”

    HERNI

    “So well groomed”

    GERARD

    “So athletic”

    HENRI

    “So lithe”

    GERARD

    “Let us put out some expensive bauble…and maybe they will grace us with a visit”

    HENRI

    “It would be an honor to be robbed by them”

    GERARD

    “To be humiliated by them”

    HENRI

    “To have our jewels grabbed by them”

    GERARD

    “To have our chambers violated by them”

    HENRI

    “To be so degraded”

    GERARD

    “So outwitted”

    HENRI

    “Publicly defeated in public”

    GERARD

    “Let us dangle our gaudy baubles for them!”

    HENRI

    “And hope that they will grab them”

    GERARD spots himself in a mirror

    GERARD

    God we are attractive!

    HENRI

    I am one of us, and I want us to degrade us!

    HENRI clicks a button on his suit, and all of the sudden “BAD GIRLS” by Donna Summer starts blaring loudly from HENRI’s suit. HENRI and GERARD continue navigating the laser grid with a some disco flair to their movements.

    A side door opens, and a GUARD enters quickly flipping on a light switch. The whole room is illuminated. HENRI and GERARD freeze in some awkward laser-grid-navigating positions as the GUARD, an American, shouts at them.

    GUARD

    (screaming)

    JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH!!! WOULD YOU GODDAMN EURO-FRUITS PLEASE KEEP IT THE FUCK DOWN IN HERE! I GOT 50 BUCKS ON THE FUCKING CELTICS AND I CAN’T HEAR JACK SHIT!!!

    HENRI slowly reaches up and clicks off the music from his suit.
    The GUARD turns to leave.

    GERARD

    Wait….are you not surprised to find the two greatest cat burglars in the world inside your museum, deftly defeating your security, coming to steal your big expensive diamond?

    GUARD

    You pricks tripped a silent alarm an hour ago. And frankly the oil sheik that owns that fucker is just dying for someone to steal it. It’s worth shit thanks to the economy – and there ain’t no one else out there stupid enough to buy it. You steal it, he collects a big fat insurance settlement…you two get shafted with on a big rock you can’t unload and he gets richer. We’re getting a kickback from the sheik to look the other way if there’s a break in.

    HENRI and GERARD look at each other from their frozen positions.

    HENRI

    So…no one is going to try and stop us, or arrest us, or deny us with some unbeatable state of the art anti-theft technology?

    GUARD

    Nope.

    GERARD

    You won’t burst in again yelling "halt" or "freeze" or something?

    GUARD

    Not if you assholes keep it down in here.

    HENRI and GERARD look at each again, a little defeated but thinking things over. HENRI reaches up and turns the music back on, then lowers the volume looking to the GUARD for approval. The GUARD gestures for him to turn it down until the volume meets his approval, then he turns to go again, reaching for the light switch.

    GERARD

    Uh, could you leave the lights on? We like see ourselves in the mirror.

    The GUARD gestures as if to say "suit yourself", closes the door and leaves. GERARD and HENRI go back to their athletic disco gymnastic navigation of the now invisible laser field, looking at themselves in the mirror the whole time now.

    HENRI

    We cannot be stopped! The dashing cat-burglars cannot be denied!

    GERARD

    I want a copy of the security tape – I bet we look good on it.

    HENRI

    Only if its from a good angle – high mounted cameras make me look pudgy.

    FADE TO BLACK.

  • FSW: Heist Edition (Coyote’s entry)

    EXT. RIVERBANK – DAY

    A secluded spot on the NY side of the Hudson River. The GW Bridge is recognizable to the north. The camera focuses out on the river.

    MARTIN (O.S.)

    Goddamn, it’s cold!

    PIERRE (O.S.)

    Oui. I could have stayed in Quebec if I’d wanted to freeze my tail off.

    MADELINE (O.S.)

    The job’s here, not in Quebec. Stop your squawking and focus. The boss is almost in position.

    PIERRE (O.S.)

    I still don’t understand the plan.

    MADELINE (O.S.)

    That’s because you’re a stubborn old fool. Look, the courier is on the plane, right?

    PIERRE (O.S.)

    Oui.

    MADELINE (O.S.)

    He always has the case with him?

    MARTIN (O.S.)

    You don’t have to talk down to us.

    MADELINE (O.S.)

    I think maybe I do. We need a distraction, some way to create enough chaos that the courier forgets the case for just a moment. Then Marcel can grab it and get out.

    PIERRE (O.S.)

    And that’s why–

    CUT TO:

    The three plotters are in bird costumes. Goddamn Canada Geese.

    MADELINE

    –That’s why we crash the plane.

    CUT TO MAIN TITLES:

    Montage of the Geese committing crimes. Picking locks, picking pockets, cracking safes, stuff blowing up, and finally a slo-mo walk toward us by all four of the Geese criminals. The title on the screen…GOOD FOR THE GANDER

    EXT. RIVERBANK – DAY

    The three Geese are right where we left them, stomping their webbed feet in the cold.

    MARTIN

    What’s with this manifesto you sent out?

    MADELINE

    We’re taking out the plane for the Canuck Avian Liberation Front.

    PIERRE

    CALF?

    MADELINE

    Yes.

    PIERRE

    Shouldn’t it be BIRD, or GOOSE, or something like that?

    MADELINE

    Cute.

    PIERRE

    Really, who are they?

    MADELINE

    I read about them in Time Magazine. It should throw the Feds off our scent.

    A cellphone rings. Martin takes his out of his pocket and answers.

    MARTIN

    Go.

    (beat)

    Alright, we’re ready.

    He hangs up and turns to his comrades.

    MARTIN (CONT’D)

    They’re airborne. It’s time.

    MADELINE

    Remember…flap around like crazy so the pilot thinks there are more of us, then throw the frozen turkeys toward the engines. The turbines will do the rest.

    PIERRE

    See you on the other side!

    Pierre starts to run toward the water flapping his wings.

    MADELINE

    No, you idiot! The rendezvous is on this side of the river!

    BLACKOUT:

  • FSW: The Heist Edition (Peter’s entry)

    Friday Sketch War
    The Heist Edition
    “The Team”

    FADE IN:

    INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE – NIGHT

    BILL sits at a table piled high with schematics, maps, and diagrams.

    Guns, rapelling equipment, and electronic gadgets sit on another nearby table.

    A nearby chalkboard shows the (heavily-annotated) floor plan of a large mansion.

    A giant photo thumbtacked to the chalkboard shows a big, glittery diamond.

    Beyond the tables and chalkboard: darkness.

    Bill scribbles on the papers, checks a map against the chalkboard floorplan.

    A DOOR OPENS somewhere in the dark.

    JULIAN steps into the light.

    JULIAN

    Mr. Ellis. Our employer hopes your plan for obtaining the Zawabi Diamond is coming together?

    BILL

    It’s the perfect heist, kid. Just gimme manpower.

    JULIAN

    Excellent. Mr. Ellis, please meet your team.

    EZRA enters the area, holding a Boggle game.

    JULIAN

    Mr. Ezra Diablo, three-time regional Boggle championship.

    Ezra shakes the Boggle game.

    EZRA

    Let’s boggle!

    MARY enters, holding a chihuahua who wears a hand-knit sweater.

    JULIAN

    Mary Williamson, editor of Doggie Sweater Enthusiast Magazine.

    MARY

    Hello!

    JEAN-CLAUDE enters in full chef costume.

    JULIAN

    Jean-Claude Brillac, expert pastry chef.

    JEAN-CLAUDE

    I am without equal!

    STEPHEN HAWKING wheels forward in a motorized wheelchair.

    JULIAN

    And renowned physicist Stephen Hawking.

    Mr. Hawking speaks via a computerized voicebox.

    MR. HAWKING

    Let’s do this shit.

    Beat.

    BILL

    So… all the real criminals have gone into banking?

    JULIAN

    Afraid so.

    BLACKOUT.

  • Cartoons Edition (Coyote’s Entry)

    The Acme Prize

    INT. TV STUDIO – DAY

    Toonday Show studio. MATT MALLARD sits with MEREDITH MEERKAT and AL ELEPHANT on the couch.

    MATT

    Exciting news from the world of science today. The recipients of this years’ Acme Prizes are about to receive their awards, including our own Toonday Show correspondant and Avery Institute fellow, Abner Fudd.

    MEREDITH

    I didn’t even know Abner was a real scientist.

    AL

    What did you think he was?

    MEREDITH

    I thought he was just like Sanjay Bluejay.

    CUT TO:

    SANJAY BLUEJAY sitting behind a desk bobbing his head up and down up and down in a glass of water. He notices the camera and smiles with 88 pearly whites.

    SANJAY

    Good cholesterol, good. Bad cholesterol, bad. *SQUAWK*

    CUT TO:

    Back to the couch.

    MATT

    No, Abner’s not just a bobbing head. Let’s go to the awards ceremony.

    INT. AUDITORIUM – DAY

    ABNER FUDD is a very short man with a very large egghead. He is resplendent in tails standing on stage next to JACK RABBIT.

    JACK

    Abner, congratulations. Can you try to explain your research to the audience at home?

    ABNER

    I’ll do my best, Jack. My research concerns black holes.

    JACK

    Like this one?

    Jack pulls a floppy black disc from his jacket and drops it on the floor. Then he jumps into it. He pops back up a second later with an old seltzer bottle and sprays Abner in the face.

    ABNER

    Exactly.

    Abner pulls a black hole from his jacket, drops it, jumps in, and pops up with a shotgun.

    ABNER (CONT’D)

    When they were first discovered by Steven Chickenhawking, we didn’t know much about them. My research sheds new light on them and give us a clue what the tooniverse was like in the very first picoseconds after the Big Bang.

    (beat)

    Speaking of big bangs…

    Abner lifts the shotgun and pulls the trigger multiple times, chasing Jack around the stage as he shoots at him.

    Jack jumps back into his black hole, reaches his hand out, and pulls the black hole into itself. Abner stops shooting, stands still, and scratches his head.

    As Abner turns around, looking for Jack, Jack pops out of Abner’s black hole with a giant wooden sledgehammer and BASHes Abner over the head. A lump rises, and birds circle and tweet. Jack puts his paws on Abner’s shoulders and guides him to a podium.

    ABNER (CONT’D)

    (singing)

    I’m a little teapot, short and stout…

    Jack pulls out a bundle of dynamite and hands it to Abner.

    JACK

    In honor of Alfred Acme, the inventor of dynamite, allow me to present you with the 2009 Acme Prize in Physics.

    ABNER

    (shaking his head clear)

    Thank you. Thank you so much. This is so wonderful. I never thought–

    At the other end of the stage at the end of a long fuse, Jack pushes down on a plunger, blowing up the dynamite. Abner’s face is blackened with soot, his collar askew, his hair burnt off.

    ABNER (CONT’D)

    You’re despicable.

    BLACKOUT:

  • FSW: Cartoons Edition (Peter’s entry)

    Friday Sketch War
    Cartoons Edition
    “Frank Defeats the Angel of Death”

    FADE IN:

    TITLE CARD: “Frank Defeats the Angel of Death”

    INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

    FRANK, a cat, sleeps in a basket on a hardwood floor.

    He wears a collar with a name tag attached.

    A large Christmas tree sits in one corner of the living room, near the front door.

    A creepy- and androgynous-looking ANGEL with tiny wings sits atop the tree.

    A fire roars in the fireplace.

    Nearby, OLIVE (30s) holds a large drink and talks on her cell phone.

    OLIVE

    I’m just about ready for the dinner party.

    ANGLE ON FRANK

    — snoozing happily.

    OLIVE (O.S.)

    Thanks, I am so nervous. Both of my bosses will be here, and everyone from the book club.

    CLUNK.

    A red-ball Christmas-tree decoration rolls past Frank’s basket.

    Frank idly sharpens his claws on the basket, but doesn’t wake.

    OLIVE (O.S.)

    You’re right. I can make a good impression.

    CLUNK.

    Another Christmas-tree decoration rolls by.

    Frank opens one eye.

    OLIVE (O.S.)

    You and Terrill are bringing the fruit dip, right?

    Frank looks around, and is alarmed to see —

    AT THE TOP OF THE TREE

    The angel has sprung to life!

    OLIVE

    I know! I love guavas!

    BACK TO SCENE

    With malevolent glee, the angel flings another red-ball Christmas decoration at Olive.

    Olive, looking the other way, doesn’t notice.

    OLIVE

    Well, you’ll have to tell us all about the Caymans.

    The decoration misses her ricochets off the wall, and rolls underfoot.

    OLIVE

    I just love that little — WAAAGH!

    Olive trips on the decoration and lands on the floor next to the tree.

    The drink lands on the floor, making a puddle.

    Olive glances at the angel, and the angel reverts back to a motionless, innocent-looking ornament.

    OLIVE

    I tripped on a Christmas decoration.

    Frank blinks a few times, shakes his head, and looks up to see —

    — Olive standing in the puddle, phone in hand.

    OLIVE

    Really, I’m fine. Just clumsy.

    The angel now has a length of Christmas lights, frayed and sparking at one end.

    The angel lowers the live wire towards the puddle.

    OLIVE

    You know, I called Harry, but I think he has that — what, fundraiser thing?

    Closer.

    Closer.

    It’s an inch away from the puddle, and then —

    Frank leaps into the air!

    He grasps the Christmas lights midair, carrying the wire out of harm’s way.

    He lands in a heap in the corner.

    OLIVE

    What’s that? Oh, that’s just Frank.

    Frank, still holding the lights, un-heaps himself and sees —

    — the angel using a candy cane to skim down the lights like a zipwire.

    The angel lands on Frank.

    OLIVE

    Yeah — he runs from one room to another sometimes. Crazy. Cute, but crazy.

    Frank throws the angel off.

    The angel pulls a red ball off the tree and holds it menacingly.

    Frank looks smug and unworried.

    OLIVE

    Yeah. Yeah. But do you think Harry knows how he feels? — y’know, how he really feels?

    The angel cracks the ball into two jagged pieces, which he wields with martial-arts-style panache.

    Frank panics and grabs the nearest thing to hand. It’s a length of popcorn rope.

    They fight. Frank uses the rope to block one attack, then another.

    OLIVE

    Glenlivet, of course. I mean, it costs, but —

    Frank whips the rope around one jagged piece of metal, and rips the weapon out of the angel’s hand.

    Frank does the same to the other.

    OLIVE

    Absolutely. That is so right.

    Frank whips the rope at the angel, BUT —

    — the angel grabs the free end.

    Tug-of-war.

    The angel drags Frank off his feet and ties him up.

    OLIVE

    You know, I always get my dipping trays from the farmer’s market.

    The angel drags Frank toward the FIREPLACE.

    Frank struggles.

    Frank panics.

    Frank has an idea: he unsheaths his claws!

    OLIVE

    Yeah. It’s just there’s always something you overlook, y’know? Not until the last minute —

    Frank cuts himself free of the rope.

    He piles into the angel.

    The two of them disappear into the tree.

    They reappear a third of the way up the tree, fighting.

    They reappear two-thirds of the way up the tree, fighting.

    They reappear at the very top of the tree, fighting.

    OLIVE

    Oh, of course! You’re right. I’ll just have to make do without feta.

    Finally, Frank plants the angel firmly on the treetop, gets a series of good swats in, grabs the angel —

    — and flings him off the tree.

    The angel arcs downward, fluttering his tiny, ineffectual wings —

    — towards the FIREPLACE!

    (Think Die Hard.)

    FOOM!

    Crispy dead angel.

    Frank heaves a sigh of relief.

    And another.

    And now THE TREE IS TIPPING OVER.

    Frank makes a mad scramble, but it’s no use —

    — the tree smashes to the floor.

    Decorations scatter.

    Tinsel floats down.

    Frank slides across the hardwood to a stop.

    The front door OPENS to reveal —

    — a crowd of PARTY GUESTS.

    OLIVE

    Oh my god!

    Frank freezes with panic.

    OLIVE

    Frank!

    Frank tries to provide a quick, nonverbal explanation of everything that has happened so far.

    Halfway in, Olive scoops him up.

    OLIVE

    Aw, are you okay?

    GUEST #1

    I think the tree fell on him!

    Frank puts on a sad face.

    GUEST #2

    Let me give him some tuna!

    FADE TO:

    INT. LIVING ROOM – LATER

    Olive and the guests chat indistinctly.

    The tree stands upright, a bit disheveled.

    Frank, bloated and happy, eats the last of a big dish of tuna.

    He waddles back to his basket.

    He suddenly goes to the tree, nabs a length of popcorn rope off the tree, and returns to the basket.

    He holds the rope and eyes the room warily, but drifts off to sleep.

    FADE OUT.

  • FSW: Cartoons Edition (Ken’s Entry)

    Happy New Year everyone! I unexpectedly took last week off (meaning I realized Saturday night that the day before was Sketch War Friday….ummmm…ooopps).

    This weeks theme was cartoons, and despite a promising start to a SuperFriends sketch (remember that red spikey thing in front of the Hall of Justice??), I ended up revisiting one of my favorite cartoons, and putting a little spin on the first girl cartoon character I had a crush on.

    The other battlers will report in soon!!!
    __________________________________________________________

    INT. HAUNTED MANSION – NIGHT

    DAPHNE, VELMA, SCOOBY, SHAGGY and FRED stand in the foyer of a dilapidated dark mansion, complete with grand decaying staircase, grandfather clock, cobwebs – all the haunted trimmings.

    FRED

    Alright, let’s split up and see if we can find this bearded ghost. Daphne and I will go this way, Velma you go that way with Scooby and Shaggy.

    VELMA

    Actually Fred, Daphne and I are going together this time. You go with Scooby and Shaggy.

    FRED pauses and looks at VELMA.

    FRED

    Very funny Velma. Daphne come on, we’re going this way.

    DAPHNE

    No Fred….not this time. Not ever again. I want to go with Velma.

    FRED looks at SHAGGY and SCOOBY, who just shrug their shoulders.

    FRED

    Daphne, you and I always go together, always!

    DAPHNE

    Fred, I’ve been in denial about some things for a long time, and I’m just starting to come to grips with them.

    FRED

    Stop kidding around. You and I always go together when we split up, because we’re the two attractive ones of the group.

    DAPHNE

    That’s just it Fred. I’ve gone with you all those times because I felt like I SHOULD be attracted to you, but…it never felt right.

    VELMA

    It’s okay Daphne, tell him the rest.

    DAPHNE

    I think I developed some subconscious resentment towards you Fred…I wanted to be attracted to you, and when I wasn’t it made me do stupid things.

    VELMA

    All those traps she accidentally sprung weren’t an accident Fred. Her subconscious was trying to kill you.

    DAPHNE

    It was my way out…if you were gone I wouldn’t have to pretend anymore.

    VELMA

    Danger-prone Daphne was really "Need-to-get-Fred-out-of-my-life" Daphne.

    FRED

    But…all those times…when we’d split up…and we’d have sex when we were supposed to be hunting ghosts.

    DAPHNE

    Don’t make this harder than it is Fred.

    FRED

    We’d blame your moaning on ghosts.

    DAPHNE

    Fred, please…

    FRED

    I MADE YOU ORGASM!!! HARD!!! EVERY TIME!!!

    DAPHNE

    I faked it, every time! Just to save your big ego!!! I just pretended. I’d close my eyes and imagine you were someone else….someone I WAS attracted to. I just did whatever I could to get through it.

    FRED sulks for a moment, taking it all in.

    FRED

    Fine. But think about what you’re giving up. Any woman would kill to have a guy with his own custom van.

    VELMA

    (sarcastically)

    The paint job alone should do it.

    FRED

    A guy with some athletic ability, and good fashion sense.

    VELMA

    You dress like a sailor in the Gay Navy.

    FRED

    (to VELMA)

    This doesn’t involve you.

    VELMA

    Yes, it does. Daphne, go ahead. Tell him the rest.

    DAPHNE

    I can’t…he’s already so upset.

    VELMA

    We talked about this Daphne. It’s like pulling off a band-aid. Do it all at once.

    DAPHNE gathers her courage, then faces FRED again.

    DAPHNE

    It took me a long time to admit it to myself, but the person I kept imagining when we were having sex is part of this group.

    Everything stops, and FRED looks at SHAGGY and SCOOBY, suspiciously. Then FRED slowly turns his head to look at VELMA. DAPHNE walks over hooks her arm through VELMA’s, and rests her head on VELMA’s shoulder.

    FRED

    (to VELMA)

    You goddamn dyke.

    DAPHNE

    She listens to me, understands me…values my opinion.

    FRED

    So it’s just platonic.

    DAPHNE

    Oh GOD no!

    VELMA and DAPHNE laugh, loudly

    DAPHNE

    Only a woman knows how to really please another woman. Velma has surprisingly well-toned arms under that sweater too.

    VELMA

    I need them for doing this….

    VELMA dips DAPHNE and kisses her passionately. SCOOBY, FRED and SHAGGY just stare, slack jawed.

    DAPHNE

    (a bit flustered)

    Velma is soooo decisive…when she wants something she just goes for it. And trust me, her traps always work.

    DAPHNE giggles as she leans into Velma.

    VELMA

    Come on purple. Let’s go down this way and find us some moaning ghosts.

    VELMA smacks DAPHNE loudly on the butt. DAPHNE giggles, then heads down the corridor.

    VELMA

    So, Fred, from now on, when we split up, Daphne goes with me, capice?

    (off to DAPHNE)

    Hey purple, that’s a bedroom on the left – I bet there’s a loud moaning ghost in there!

    Giggles from down the hallway. VELMA looks back at FRED with a knowing grin, then exits after DAPHNE. FRED just stares after them.

    SHAGGY

    So, uh, Fred. Maybe we should, like, go look for that Bearded ghost like you said.

    FRED

    There is no bearded ghost. It’s just old man Laskey in a costume scaring people off so he can run a real estate scam.

    SHAGGY

    Zoiks! Like, how’d you know that man?

    FRED

    I pay this detective friend for fake ghost cases he’s already solved whenever I want to get laid. We’ve never gone on a real unsolved mystery.

    SHAGGY

    Like….wow dude. All this time I thought we were actually, like, finding clues, solving mysteries and helping people and stuff.

    SCOOBY

    Ree roo!!!

    SHAGGY

    Now I’m like all bummed and stuff.

    SCOOBY

    Ree roo.

    SHAGGY and SCOOBY walk start to slowly exit the same way as DAPHNE and VELMA

    FRED

    Where are you two going?

    SHAGGY

    Like there’s only one thing that can cheer me up right now – amateur girl-on-girl action. These old mansions have secret watching holes all over the place.

    FRED

    Won’t they see us?

    SHAGGY

    You and Daphne never did.

    FRED thinks for a moment

    FRED

    Alright, here’s the plan. You two go ahead and find a hiding spot with a good clear view. I’ll go get the video camera I keep in the Mystery Machine!

    SHAGGY

    Now that’s the Fred I’d follow anywhere!

    SCOOBY

    Rrrrrroooby dooooooooo!

    BLACK OUT

  • Resolutions, Inc. – R.A.’s entry

    INT. OFFICE BULLPEN – NIGHT

    Half-height cube walls provide minimal privacy and noise dampening between seat after seat of headset-wearing drones dressed all in white. Except, they’re not drones. They all have angel’s wings. MICHAEL shows CLARENCE the operation.

    MICHAEL

    That’s some nice work you did last Christmas, Clarence, really. We were all very proud to see you finally get your wings.

    CLARENCE

    Thank you, sir. I’ve always wanted to help people. I’m glad I’ll finally be getting my chance.

    MICHAEL

    Oh.

    (Beat)

    What do you know about our division?

    CLARENCE

    St. Peter said he thought this would be a good place for me to start out, to get my toes wet.

    MICHAEL

    You know that the Big Boss works in mysterious ways, right Clarence?

    CLARENCE

    Of course, of course.

    MICHAEL

    His plan is ineffable.

    CLARENCE

    Yes, yes.

    MICHAEL

    Unfathomable.

    CLARENCE

    Michael, dear boy, what are you trying to tell me?

    MICHAEL

    What we do here at Resolutions, Inc. is a little…different. Did you ever make a New Year’s resolution when you were mortal?

    CLARENCE

    Oh yes! Every year I vowed I would take a little of this

    (indicates ample waist)

    off by taking regular constitutionals and eating less of my dear Martha’s food. But her cookery was so good, that by two weeks into the year my resolve was lost.

    MICHAEL

    And that’s what we do here.

    CLARENCE

    Help people stick with their resolutions?

    MICHAEL

    Cause people to break them.

    Michael points to a computer in front of one of the angels. Pictures of foamy mugs of beer, frosty margaritas, and double scotches fill the monitor. ESTELLA, all blond ringlets and cherubic face slides a mouse on the desktop and speaks into her headset.

    ESTELLA

    (Whispering)

    Just one little drink wouldn’t hurt. Two long days without a drop…a little pick-me-up…it’d be like a reward for doing so well…

    Clarence blanches and backs away.

    CLARENCE

    Michael! This is terrible!

    MICHAEL

    Now Clarence, I told you, it’s all in the Big Boss’s plan. Come with me. Let me introduce you to the angel who’ll be training you.

    Michael leads Clarence past more angels at their desks. We catch glimpses of their monitors: devilish desserts and scantily clad women and men dominate. Michael stops behind a bald male angel energetically talking into his headset. His monitor displays a hammock swinging between two trees.

    MALE ANGEL

    (Whispering)

    The gym will be there tomorrow, but this sunny afternoon won’t last forever. Make some lemonade, have some cookies, take a nap.

    The angel clicks his mouse and the monitor changes to show loaves of bread baking in an oven.

    MALE ANGEL (CONT’D)

    (Whispering)

    It’s homemade. One slice won’t hurt. They’re whole grain carbs.

    The angel clicks again and the monitor shows a football game.

    MALE ANGEL (CONT’D)

    (Whispering)

    It’s the playoffs! Your wife will understand. The game’s just too important to miss. You can clean the gutters tomorrow.

    CLARENCE

    I say my good man! How can you do this? Have you no heart?

    The angel faces Clarence…

    MICHAEL

    Clarence, this is our top performer. Job, meet Clarence.

    JOB

    Pleasure. So you’re the new fellow, eh? Nice work on your wing assignment. Shame what happened when the regulators showed up the next day.

    BLACKOUT:

  • Sketch War, "Resolutions" Edition, Peter’s Entry

    Friday Sketch War
    Resolutions Edition
    “Mount Waxahachie”

    FADE IN:

    INT. SNOWY FOREST CLEARING – DAY

    JERRY (20s) sits in a quiet spot in the woods on a cold winter day. He holds a hamburger wrapped in wax paper.

    RILEY (50s) enters, exhausted and weighed down with hiking equipment. He sits and takes in the view.

    JERRY

    Cold for climbing, man.

    RILEY

    Yeah. Every year, January first, Theresa — my wife — she’d resolve to climb Mount Waxahachie. But…

    He shrugs.

    RILEY

    I guess I did this for her.

    JERRY

    Nice.

    RILEY

    She always said it was the most secluded place in the world, even though she’d never seen it.

    JERRY

    Oh. Yeah.

    RILEY

    So you must have climbed up the southeast approach?

    JERRY

    I work at the gift shop. They put in a pretty major road last year.

    O. S. a car RUMBLES BY, HONKING while its passengers HOOT and HOLLER.

    PASSENGER (O.S.)

    Party on Mount Waxahachie!

    Jerry gets up to leave.

    JERRY

    Customers.

    He hands Riley the hamburger.

    JERRY

    My Waxa-burger is still warm.

    He exits.

    Riley peevishly tosses away the burger.

    At the same time, another car RUMBLES PAST O.S.

    PASSENGER #2 (O.S.)

    Don’t litter, old dude!

    Riley gets up and trudges back the way he came.

    FADE OUT.