Sketch War

Category: Sketches

Sketch Entries from the warriors

  • FSW: Spiner and Fry Edition (Ken’s Entry)

    David mentioned that this was a unique challenge, and I definitely agree. Not only were we trying to write for established actors with fairly distinctive styles, but hopefully to create something that could be expanded into a television show.

    Gulp!

    In some ways, this felt more about writing the world’s shortest pilot than a sketch.

    I’m sure I’ll be kicking more ideas around over the week, because I’d love to come up with stuff that feels a little more modern (along the lines of “The Office”, “Extras” or “30 Rock”), but here’s my first wild stab:
    _______________________________________________________________

    INT. BRITISH PUB – NIGHT

    ELTON, a stout British man in his mid-fifties sits alone at a quiet table amidst a smattering of other quiet patrons. He wears a tweed jacket with elbow patches an a tartan bowtie. He occasionally sips a beer while reading a classic-looking book through wire-rimmed round glasses. The barkeep dries glasses behind the bar.
    Offstage the door to the pub opens. ELTON looks up as GENE speaks to an unseen crowd in an American accent.

    GENE (O.S.)

    OH YEAH!!! OXFORD LOVES THE GENE-MACHINE BABY!!! AND THE GENE-MACHINE LOVES YOU RIGHT BACK!!! GOOD NIGHT OXFORD!!! STAY CLASSICAL YOU HORNY BASTARDS!!!

    ELTON shakes his head and buries his nose back in his book. The door closes, and GENE enters. He is a lanky-sort in his late fifties, with flowing gray hair and the bearing of a bad-boy rock star. He wears a emerald velvet jacket collar turned up, and gold silk scarf. GENE walks over ELTON’s table, spins on his heels, pulls the spare chair out, straddles and sits across from ELTON, staring at him. ELTON ignores GENE for a moment, then speaks.

    ELTON

    I take it your lecture was well received?

    GENE

    Un-be-freaking-lieveable!

    ELTON

    Oh good, another spontaneously invented word.

    GENE

    Mind blowing Elton. I had no idea I was this good.

    ELTON

    You rarely miss noticing amazing things about yourself.

    GENE

    The whole room just wanted me…badly.

    ELTON

    Shakespearean dissertations have that affect on people.

    GENE

    I could see people wiggling in their seats!

    ELTON

    Sexual desire and rapt boredom look so similar.

    GENE

    Yeah…that confused me at first. But by the end…huh? How do you explain that?

    ELTON

    Sadly, I missed the ending. I left somewhere between the 60 foot laser animation of Romeo and Juliet freak dancing and your third failed attempt to stage dive.

    GENE

    I can’t believe you missed the end! It was epic. So I’m wrapping up with my thoughts on “To be or not to be”, right? But, like, not many people know that speech, right?

    ELTON

    Only ninety-eight or ninety-nine percent of Oxford students could recite it from memory.

    GENE

    Right! So I want to make sure it sticks with people, because it’s a pretty good speech to know. So I have this stripper pole lowered from the ceiling, and I start doing the speech, ripping off clothes as I do, dancing around the pole like Hamlet is dancing around his destiny.

    ELTON

    That metaphor is now dead to me.

    GENE

    I get near the end of the speech, and I’m down to just my pants. I climb up the pole and do one of those lean backwards, upside down things, facing the audience, legs clinched around the top, and I rip the pants off. I say the last line with a ruff collar around each thigh and Shakespeare’s head covering my boys. The crowd’s response was…

    ELTON

    Uncontrollable vomiting?

    GENE

    Total stunned silence.

    ELTON

    My second guess.

    GENE

    They were so overwhelmed they couldn’t make a sound.

    ELTON

    You sure they weren’t keeping their jaws clamped shut vis a vis the aforementioned vomiting?

    GENE

    Jaws were dropped open all over that auditorium.

    ELTON

    >Not surprising.

    GENE

    And you…head of the English department. You missed it.

    ELTON

    Yes…What was I thinking?

    GENE rips the book from ELTON’s hands.

    GENE

    Bleak House? You left MY lecture to sit in a pub and read Bleak House?

    ELTON

    Careful…that’s a rare edition.

    GENE

    Oooohhhh…better rush home and read Bleak House one more time. Dickens will release that sequel any day now.

    ELTON takes his book back from GENE

    ELTON

    (shouting)

    Well at least I’m versed in the Goddamn material I teach!!!

    The whole room goes deathly quiet. ELTON looks around slightly embarrassed, then start speaking to GENE again in a more hushed tone.

    ELTON

    Look, may I speak frankly?

    GENE

    You’re British, I doubt it.

    ELTON

    The Oxford trustees forced me to invite you to be a guest instructor. One of them read an article in People about you…

    GENE

    I opened for Britney Spears at Yale.

    ELTON

    They thought you had a new voice, some new insight into Shakespearean literature.

    GENE

    I was put on this Earth to make Shakespeare sexy.

    ELTON

    You’re making it repulsive! You’re an arrogant self-absorbed moron who has no insight into the works of William Shakespeare whatsoever, and you hide your astounding stupidity beneath stale rock concert effects and strip-club vulgarity!

    GENE

    You’re just jealous of my obvious sex appeal.

    ELTON

    There is nothing appealing about a man nearing sixty hanging upside down from a stripper pole in a thong!

    GENE

    And ruff collars.

    ELTON

    Doesn’t improve the overall visual. Now, if this is all you have to offer Oxford, I’m afraid we will have to terminate your stay immediately.

    MARJORIE, an attractive woman in her forties walks over. She is also British, and dressed very conservatively.

    MARJORIE

    Good evening Doctor Lonsberry.

    EL
    TON immediately stands up, all smiles and nerves.

    ELTON

    Oh, Good Evening Professor Elsbeth. I had no idea you frequented this pub.

    MARJORIE

    I come here every night. In fact, I’ve seen you in here several times since I told you I loved coming here and reading Dickens.

    ELTON

    Oh…yes….so you have…and so you did…ah, my mind is such a sieve sometimes Marjorie…ha ha…may I call you Marjorie?

    MARJORIE

    Am I interrupting something?

    ELTON

    Not at all…Professor Douglas and I were just discussing his lecture tonight.

    MARJORIE

    Yes…I saw that…performance. I sat there all the way to the bitter end.

    ELTON

    Look Marjorie, if I’d had any idea how his presentation would go, believe me I would’ve…

    MARJORIE approaches GENE with an intense glare in her eyes.

    MARJORIE

    Professor Douglas. I refuse to let you leave this pub until you…

    Marjorie rips open her blouse

    MARJORIE (CONT)

    …sign my cleavage.

    GENE stands up, pulls a Sharpie out of his jacket, and signs MARJORIE’s chest

    MARJORIE (CONT)

    Now put Shakespeare’s signature right underneath.

    GENE does

    MARJORIE

    Dear God man, where have you been hiding? Hamlet has never gotten me so hot. I had to have 3 cigarettes after your lecture. I must run to the lavatory, but when I return, I want to see how much of a Rogue and Peasant slave you are, you naughty man.

    MARJORIE kisses GENE hard then walks off, flirting with him the whole way. ELTON just watches, stunned. GENE sits down, looking smug.

    ELTON

    Ummm….soo.

    GENE

    Yes?

    ELTON

    I’ve got a Dickens seminar next month. How would you attach mutton chops and a stovepipe hat so that wouldn’t fall off when upside down?

    BLACK OUT

  • Brent Spiner & Stephen Fry : David’s Entry – CURTAIN CALL

    This was a weird assignment, to be sure. The parts of PRINE and BRODY are written with the actors Brent Spiner and Stephen Fry in mind…which was kind of fun. I had some fun with it…hopefully you’ll agree that I managed something, at least, a bit funny…

    INT – THEATRE – EVENING

    BRODY GILCREST, portly, middle aged Brit with dark hair, sits at a wooden table backstage, sipping tea. Across from him, partially in shadows, THOMAS PRINE fiddles with something O.S.

    BRODY

    Isn’t that thing about ready, Thomas. My tea is cold, my patience is shot, and curtain call is in less than an hour.

    PRINE sticks his head out of the shadows. He’s grinning broadly and his eyes sparkle.

    PRINE

    We’ll be ready, and it’s going to be spectacular – like the old days.

    BRODY

    Those days, I’m afraid, are far behind us. The turning over of new leaves often reveals nothing more than damp earth.

    PRINE

    You should try smiling. You used to smile quite a lot, as I recall.

    BRODY harumphs and drains the last of his now tepid tea.

    BRODY

    So, Thomas, this … thing … of yours. You say it will bring down the house? Guaranteed? With the budget we’ve been provided, I’d be surprised to see more than a dry-ice fog and a few colored lights.

    PRINE

    I still have…contacts.

    BRODY

    Yes, old boy, but you aren’t to CONTACT them, don’t you see.

    PRINE

    Of course.

    BRODY stares into the shadows and frowns.

    BRODY

    Should I be…concerned?

    PRINE’s head sticks out of the shadows again, his grin even wider.

    PRINE

    Have I ever given you reason for concern?

    A door opens O.S. Voices echo, two men, and a woman. The woman laughs.

    BRODY

    (rising) I’m glad you are all early. Thomas is making some last minute shifts in the special effects. Please…get ready.

    BOBBY PRENTISS, young, dark haired with a cocky grin saunters onto the stage. He’s dressed in black leather, a motorcycle jacket with a patch on the sleeve that says BRONZE ANGELS. Beside him, GINGER BUCHANAN, early twenties, petite in skintight jeans and a tube top totters on too-tall heels. Behind them, JIM JENKINS, mid forties with a paunch steps onto the stage. He’s dressed in a police officer’s uniform.

    PRINE

    I love cops and robbers.

    BRODY

    Just get that thing working. We now have less than twenty minutes.

    GINGER

    Could…could we run through it one time?

    BRODY sees the girl’s nervousness.

    BRODY

    Quickly then. Bobby, center stage with Ginger.

    PRINE

    Uh…

    BRODY

    What is it? We’re just doing a test run.

    PRINE

    Yes but…

    BRODY

    Speak up!

    PRINE

    Nothing.

    PRINE returns to his tinkering and the actor’s take their places. Bobby stands, hands in pockets in a perfect James Dean slouch. Ginger stands in front of him, glancing over her shoulder nervously.

    BRODY

    Action.

    BOBBY

    So…you’re gonna go back to Daddy, play the good girl, screw ol’ Joey huh?

    GINGER

    You know I love you, Joey, but.

    BOBBY

    I know…I’m bad. Always been bad, always will be. Can’t blame you for cutting out.

    GINGER

    (starts to turn away) I…

    BOBBY steps forward and wraps her in his arms. She pulls back, and then, as if unable to resist, flutters her eyelids and turns back.

    BOBBY

    I don’t want you to go, baby.

    BRODY waves at Prine in the shadows.

    O.S. a police siren wails. Tires screech. A door slams. JENKINS steps onto the stage. He’s wearing an odd, futuristic helmet, and holding a strange gun leveled at BOBBY.

    BRODY

    What the…

    BOBBY lets go of GINGER, obviously confused. He reaches to his belt, as if going for a gun, or a knife.

    BOBBY

    You’ll never take me, John Law.

    BRODY starts to rise and move forward.

    PRINE

    You might want to say cut before…

    JENKINS grins evilly. His eyes are wide, and he points the strange gun straight at BOBBY’s heart.

    JENKINS

    Name’s jot John, scumbag. Names Alexander. Alexander Hughes, and…as a matter of fact, I am the law.

    BRODY turns to PRINE, eyes wide.

    PRINE

    Sorry, I couldn’t resist. I changed the line.

    BRODY turns back as JENKINS pulls the trigger. There’s a a flash of brilliant blue light. What appears to be lightning snaps across the stage and bursts through BOBBY’s chest, continuing on through curtains and walls. JENKINS stares at the gun, then lets it fall from his hand and staggers back. GINGER faints.

    BRODY

    (calmly) Thomas…what have you done?

    PRINE

    Cool, huh? I made it out of spare parts.

    There is the sound of falling debris, and a horrible creak from the ceiling above. Both men look up.

    PRINE (CONT’D)

    I suggest that – perhaps – we should run?

    BRODY

    I think I need to explain the word retirement to you in clearer terms.

    BRODY and PRINE run for the back exit. As the building begins to fall down around them, crushing the actors and the stage, PRINE begins to laugh.

    PRINE

    I TOLD you to say cut.

    BRODY

    Next time be clear.

    PRINE

    Be fair, (diving through the rear door as the walls collapse) I DID bring the house down…

    FADE OUT.

  • FSW: Pimp my TV (bonus entry from Ken)

    Well, I couldn’t resist. I had this idea when I was working on the Facts of Life sketch earlier for this weeks “Pimp My TV” theme, and people giggled everytime I mentioned it. So, I just had to write it up. I’m just being a little high-concept sketch piggy this week 🙂

    Anyway, hope you enjoy this:
    _____________________________________________________

    INT. MANSION ENTRYWAY – DAY

    Close up on a tuxedo clad handsome blond man in his early thirties, DR. CHASE, adjusts his clothes for a night out when the camera freezes on a closeup of his face

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    Dr. Jonathan Chase… wealthy, young, handsome. A man with the brightest of futures. A man with the darkest of pasts. From Africa’s deepest recesses, to the rarefied peaks of Tibet, heir to his father’s legacy and the world’s darkest mysteries. Jonathan Chase, master of the secrets that divide man from animal, animal from man

    The camera un-freezes. The doorbell rings and DR. CHASE answers. CHICO, a young handsome latino in his early twenties stands there.

    CHICO

    Hey, man…you need, like, any help with the gardening, or maybe someone to wash your limo?

    Freeze on a close up of CHICO’S face

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    Chico Juarez…unemployed, young, latino. A man with a questionable future. A man with a past no one cares about. Heir to his cousin’s Econovan, master of the dance floor.

    Camera un-freezes. DR. CHASE walks over to CHICO and puts his hand on his shoulder.
    The Ghostly head of Dr. Chase’s father, Dr. CHASE Senior appears. Only DR. CHASE can see or hear it.

    DR. CHASE SENIOR

    (in an ethereal voice)

    Jonathan…this man can help you in your quest…accept his aid

    The head fades

    DR. CHASE

    My friend, providence has brought us together.

    CHICO

    No man…I just noticed you got, like, the only mansion in the barrio. So I figure you got money and you like Mexicans, si hermano? Hey, nice threads, man! Hot date tonight?

    Camera freezes on the two men facing other in profile.

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    Together, they’re an unstoppable crime-fighting force of nature.

    They turn to silhouettes and titles fly in:
    CHICO AND THE MANIMAL

    CUT TO:

    INT. LIMO – NIGHT

    CHICO, now wears a chauffeur’s uniform and drives, while DR. CHASE, still in his tuxedo.

    CHICO

    Why we gotta follow this car man? My cousin is the bouncer at this hot club…wall to wall chicas.

    DR. CHASE

    They’re stopping. Quick…the window.

    CHICO stops the car, and presses a button lowering a back window. DR. CHASE transforms into a black panther. After a dramatic snarl the panther leaps out the back window in slow motion. CHICO stares ahead looking on in awe.

    CHICO

    Go get ‘em Dr. Chase.

    CHICO notices a smell in the air. After sniffing he looks in the back seat.

    CHICO

    Awww man…you chase bad guys, I get to hose out the back seat…again!!! Madre de Dios.

    CUT TO:

    INT. MANSION ENTRYWAY – DAY

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    With the unknowing assistance of Detective Brooke Mackenzie, they’ll fight to take back the city from the evil that consumes it.

    BROOKE MACKNZIE, a beautiful blonde police detective in her late twenties addresses DR. CHASE

    BROOKE

    If you do see a panther in the area, don’t try to subdue it yourself.

    DR. CHASE

    Of course detective Mackenzie. But how curious that a wild animal like that was such an aid in apprehending those arms dealers.

    BROOKE

    Yes, it was curious…are you sure…

    CHICO enters, looking at BROOKE and obviously attracted. BROOKE notices CHICO, and stumbles over her words.

    BROOKE (CONT)

    I…ummm…

    CHICO

    Que pasa, chica?

    CHICO walks around BROOKE, slowly checking her out. BROOKE giggles slightly

    DR. CHASE

    But the panther was of tremendous help…one might even say heroic in it’s actions.

    BROOKE

    Oh God yeah…it was so…so hot…helpful, I mean…oh yeah, soooooooo helpful. He moves so gracefully…IT..IT moved!

    CUT TO:

    EXT. ABANDONED DIRT LOT – NIGHT

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    Together, they’ll face everything the mean streets can throw at them

    CHICO drags DR. CHASE around the corner of a chain link fence, falling back against it. Both men are scraped, bloody and bruised, with large rips in their clothes. CHICO looks back to make sure they weren’t followed.

    DR. CHASE

    You’ve saved my life my friend. I’m forever in your debt.

    CHICO

    Just promise me one thing.

    DR. CHASE

    Anything.

    CHICO

    Don’t EVER change into a chicken in the barrio again. It’s suicide!

    CUT TO:

    INT. WAREHOUSE LOFT – NIGHT

    CHICO talks to JORGE, while DR. CHASE stands nearby.

    CHICO

    (to DR. CHASE)

    Jorge’s my cousin, it’s cool. Show him.

    DR. CHASE looks nervous, then transforms into a panther.

    JORGE

    Madre de Dios! It’s true!

    JORGE runs off screen and returns a black velvet canvas on an easel, and starts painting the panther in neon colores. CHICO smiles

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    When animal magnetism meets latin heat, it can only be…

    Titles fly in as the ANNOUNCER says them

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    Chico….and the Manimal!

    BLACK OUT

  • Pimp my TV (RA’s bonus entry)

    EXT. CORN MAZE – DAY

    The camera enters the maze and flies through it, cutting around corners, swinging like a pendulum, a rapid swirl of green corn and pale yellow hay. It comes to a dead end. A pig oinks softly. The camera swings around and moves off, the grunts getting louder.

    DISSOLVE THROUGH:

    Literally through one of the maze walls and find the pig, running with purpose through the maze. The camera follows as the pig rapidly cuts through to the end.

    Outside the maze, farmland stretches to the horizon. The camera swings back around to the exterior of the maze, swings down to the ground, and flies straight up, away from the ground.

    From high in the sky looking down on the maze we see it spells out –
    GREEN ACRES

    Everything but the words fades to black and a title appears underneath –
    CHRISTMAS 2009

    FADE TO BLACK:

  • Pimp My TV: Dave Stinton’s entry

    (CAPTION: Los Angeles, CA. 1988.)

    (The Hollywood Sign is viewed from the sky on a bright, hazy Los Angeles afternoon. We hear a solo trumpet playing a soothing light jazz riff.)

    NARRATOR
    Tinsel Town. We’ve seen the glitter. We’ve seen the glamour. But who can bear to look upon what’s behind it?

    (The view spins 180 degrees and zooms in, and we are at ground level behind the Hollywood sign. Graffiti and garbage abound. But we become aware of the source of the music: a dapper man in a white linen suit playing the trumpet. He finishes his solo and gazes out on the landscape below.)

    (An URCHIN’s voice startles him.)

    URCHIN
    Man, you’re just like Gabriel!

    (The MAN looks down at the URCHIN and grins a pearly, crooked grin.)

    MAN
    Almost.

    (BLACKOUT)

    NARRATOR
    While all eyes are on the stars…

    (The darkness is pierced by several bright lights aimed directly at the camera.)

    NARRATOR
    …only the most hardened journalists can truly see them.

    (Television cameras swivel into place. We are on a soundstage. The MAN sits at a news desk next to a WOMAN. Behind them is a backdrop of Los Angeles at night. A PRODUCER counts down the seconds and cues them.)

    MAN
    Good evening, I’m John Tesh.

    WOMAN
    And I’m Mary Hart. Paul Hogan takes a break from the set of “Crocodile Dundee II” to have a chat with us…

    NARRATOR
    When Hollywood’s most sacred institution is threatened…

    (Cut to JOHN TESH on the phone in his coffee-cup strewn news office.)

    JOHN TESH
    Chevy Chase is planning to rig the Oscars?

    (Cut to CHEVY CHASE standing forlorn, holding a bouquet of flowers in the rain. GLENN CLOSE walks away from him, having just rejected his romantic advances.)

    NARRATOR
    …only one news team can set things right before the credits roll.

    (Cut to ROBIN LEACH at a payphone in a parking garage.)

    ROBIN LEACH
    John, this is bigger than you. It’s bigger than me. Stay out of it!

    (Cut to the flash of a GUNSHOT in a darkened corporate office. CHEVY CHASE approaches the dying body of a man he just shot. He picks up the man’s briefcase, and we see the PriceWaterhouse logo emblazoned on it.)

    CHEVY CHASE
    (voiceover)
    Glenn, listen to me. I’m hosting this year. You deserve that award for “Fatal Attraction.” And I can make it happen for you.

    (Cut to a closeup of a horrified GLENN CLOSE.)

    GLENN CLOSE
    (whisper)
    You’re insane.

    (Cut to JOHN TESH hunched over his glass of Tab in a jazz club in between sets. His trumpet rests on the bar. MARY HART is seated next to him.)

    JOHN TESH
    I’m sorry, Mary. You just can’t fight something like this. Hollywood one, John Tesh zero.

    MARY HART
    I can’t even look at you.

    (MARY HART gets up and leaves. JOHN TESH glares at his reflection in the mirror behind the bar.)

    (Cut to the soundstage. JOHN TESH and MARY HART are on camera.)

    MARY HART
    (tears in her eyes)
    Our top story tonight: my partner John Tesh is a filthy coward.

    PRODUCER
    What the hell is she doing?

    (The monitors all cut to test patterns as MARY HART stands and storms away. JOHN TESH buries his face in his hands.)

    (Pulse-pounding percussive music over a series of quick cuts:
    Overhead shot of a traffic jam of limos.
    Blood pooling in a handprint in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theatre.
    CHEVY CHASE sliding down a giant Oscar statuette.
    JOHN TESH kicking over a television camera.
    CELEBRITIES on the red carpet grinning in a hail of flashbulbs.
    JOHN TESH and MARY HART clinging to each other on a windy night.
    A team of DANCERS rehearsing their Oscar number.
    MARY HART brandishing a tarnished Oscar like a weapon.
    CHEVY CHASE grappling with GLENN CLOSE in a darkened mansion.
    CHER dropping her wrap to reveal a transparent silk net gown.)

    (Music reaches a crescendo and stops suddenly. Cut to backstage at the Shrine Auditorium. CHEVY CHASE, tuxedo rumpled and bowtie askew, holds one arm around MARY HART’s neck. With his other hand, he aims a pistol at JOHN TESH.)

    CHEVY CHASE
    (quiet and furious, through clenched teeth.)
    The envelope.
    (he cocks the gun.)
    Please.

    (Ba-da Ba-da-da Baaaaah! The familiar theme music bursts forth as the “Entertainment Tonight” logo drifts across the screen. Below it, we see a lineup of the cast.)

    NARRATOR
    Josh Brolin as John Tesh.
    Amy Adams as Mary Hart.
    Casey Affleck as Chevy Chase.
    Naomi Watts as Glenn Close.
    And featuring Philip Seymour Hoffman as Robin Leach.
    “Entertainment Tonight”: the Motion Picture.
    To truly see the stars … wait till night falls.

  • Pimp My TV (Michael’s Entry)

    FADE IN:

    We see the familiar green title card that precedes all trailers: “The following preview has been approved…” As it fades to black slow, mournful, piano music plays as the following words appear on the screen:

    FROM THE DERANGED MIND OF WES CRAVEN, THE MAN WHO BROUGHT YOU A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET AND SCREAM, COMES A HORRIFYING NEW TALE WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME.

    SMASH CUT:

    INT. BAR – NIGHT

    Thunder and lightning. SAM MALONE stands behind the bar, drying glasses. CARLA TORTELLI, CLIFF CLAVIN, WOODY BOYD and DIANE CHAMBERS sit around the bar. Everyone is looking down, not making eye contact with anyone. DR. FRAISER CRANE is up, pacing around.

    DIANE

    I still think this is a matter best left for the proper authorities.

    SAM

    Fraiser, would you quit pacing, you’re making me nervous.

    FRAISER

    I think better on my feet, Sam. Besides, I believe the answer is simple. Ockham’s Razor.

    WOODY

    Three of our friends are dead, Dr. Crane. I really don’t think this is the right time to talk about shaving habits.

    DIANE

    He’s talking about a principle of logic, Woody, not a drug store purchase. It means that the simplest explanation is usually the correct one.

    FRAISER

    Think of it like the plot of an Agatha Christie novel, if you like. We were all here when the killings happened, thus one of us must be the killer.

    WOODY

    Agatha Christie? Is she the one who played the Police Woman?

    CLIFF

    You’re thinkin’ of Angie Dickenson.

    SAM

    Now just a second, Fraiser. Why would any one of us want to kill Paul or Alan or Pete?

    CARLA

    I don’t know about you, Sammy, but I’m not going to let Dr. Strange-goober accuse me of murdering anyone. If it was Diane, maybe, but these guys?

    WOODY

    But how do you explain the eerie voice that whispered each of their names just before they turned up dead?

    FRAISER

    You know, maybe the killer isn’t here. There is one member of this band of merry men whose stool is empty tonight.

    The front door slams open! Lightning flashes. Everyone screams. Then –

    EVERYONE

    NORM!

    DIANE

    Norman.

    WOODY

    Hey, Mr. Peterson, what were you doing between the hours of five and five-thirty this evening?

    NORM

    The usual. Counting down the seconds to sweet, sweet relief. Four, three, two –

    Sam slides a mug of beer down the bar, which Norm catches and takes a long drink from.

    NORM

    Much better.

    CLIFF

    Eh, excuse me, Doc. But, eh, there’s an even simpler explanation, if I may, eh, theorize.

    CARLA

    Great, now Professor Van Dummkopf is going to play detective.

    CLIFF

    Eh, hear me out there, Carla. It’s a well known fact that before the arrival of the white man, this area was mainly home to the Pocumtuck and Nipmuck Indians. But what most people don’t know is that these tribes were, eh, well known practitioners of the dark arts. Voodoo an’ the like. And that this bar was built on one of their most sacred burial grounds.

    FRAISER

    Cliff, surely you’re not suggesting…

    CLIFF

    Surely I am, Doc.

    SAM

    What? What’s he suggesting?

    Fraiser looks at everyone.

    FRAISER

    My God. It’s the bar.

    More thunder and lightning. The lights flicker. Everyone gasps.

    EERIE WHISPERED VOICE

    I know your name.

    BLACKOUT

    TITLE CARD: WES CRAVEN’S CHEERS – THE RECKONING COMING THIS FALL

    SOMETIMES THE TROUBLES AREN’T ALL THE SAME

  • PIMP MY TV : DAVID WILSON’S ENTRY

    I admit…I stretched for this. I thought, and I thought…well. I thought, anyway…and you can be the judge of how THAT worked out.

    EXT. LATE AFTERNOON – STREET

    A blue, older model sedan turns into a driveway and pulls up to a garage door. The driver, WILBUR POST, mid thirties with short dark hair, dressed in a plain business suit, punches his remote. The garage door slides open. He pulls in slowly, and the door closes behind him.

    INT. GARAGE – CONTINUOUS

    He fumbles with his briefcase, opens the door, and climbs out.

    O.S. Something bangs loudly.

    WILBUR

    Hold your horses!

    He fumbles his keys into his pocket, runs his hand over the wall, and finds the light switch.

    O.S. The BANG repeats.

    WILBUR (CONT’D)

    I’m warning you.

    The back wall of the garage is covered in pegboards. Tools of all sorts dangle from an array of hooks. Wilbur steps up to the left side of the wall, grabs the handle of a hammer, and pulls it away from the board.

    A whirring sound fills the air.

    O.S. The banging sound grows rapid and frantic.

    WILBUR (CONT’D)

    Damnit, I said…

    CUT TO:

    EXT. DRIVEWAY – cONTINUOUS

    NARRATOR (V.O.)

    Wilbur Post is a man with a secret. He has hidden it from the prying eyes of his neighbors.

    CUT TO:

    EXT. HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET – CONTINUOUS

    MABEL POTTER – thin, waspish, thick glasses with cat’s eye frames, peers out through her blinds at the door to Wilbur’s garage.

    NARRATOR (V.O.)

    Unbeknownst to his employers, or his co-workers.

    CUT TO:

    INT. GARAGE – CONTINUOUS

    The back wall continues to slide open. Wilbur’s phone rings loudly, playing a catchy tune.

    O.S. The banging sound becomes like thunder. Wilbur pulls out his phone and flips it open. He checks the incoming number.

    WILBUR

    Damn it.

    O.S. A voice rises from a very low pitched rumble.

    WILBUR (CONT’D)

    Ed?

    ED

    Wiiiiilllburrrr…. RUN!

    The phone is still ringing. Wilbur glances down at it, then at the back wall. Something large and white appears in the shadows.

    Wilbur answers the phone.

    WILBUR

    Bob? I’m going to have to get back to you.

    He glances up again.

    WILBUR (CONT’D)

    Oh…no.

    CUT TO:

    EXT. WILBUR’S GARAGE – CONTINUOUS

    A horrible vibration rocks the garage. It resolves itself into a huge, wet fart. The door opens, and Wilbur staggers out into his driveway.

    ED

    (floating out from inside)

    I’m sorry, Wilbuuuuurrr.

    NARRATOR (V.O.)

    And in violation of some tenets of The Geneva Convention.

    MABEL

    Wilbur? Wilbur Post? What are you doing over there young man? There are rules in this neighborhood.

    Wilbur turns, gulps in great lungfuls of air and waves.

    WILBUR

    Everything is under control, Mrs. Potter. Just a little trouble with an aerosol can.

    Wilbur staggers back into the garage.

    INT. WILBUR’S GARAGE – CONTINUOUS

    The back wall is now fully open revealing a window. Centered in that window, a large white horse stares out at Wilbur.

    ED

    I toooolld you to run.

    WILBUR

    Damnit Ed …

    There is a wet, squishing sound. Wilbur stops cold He stares at the floor.

    ED

    Now you’ve stepped in it….

    NARRATOR (V.O.)

    A man, and his horse, live a secret life. One locked away in a garage stall from which he cannot exit without being carted off to a farm – the other with a secret no one would understand. This…is their story…

    Cue the Mr. Ed Theme song.

  • FSW: Pimp My TV Edition (Peter’s entry)

    Friday Sketch War
    Pimp My TV Edition
    “Quantum Leap Trailer”

    FADE IN:

    SERIES OF SHOTS (1995)

    Brief glimpses of shaky digi-cam footage:

    A) SAM BECKETT (30s, likeable) works in a high-tech science lab.

    B) He steps into a pillar of smoke.

    C) He vanishes in a flash of blue light.

    Meanwhile, the caption “1995” appears and fades, and a clear female voice narrates —

    ZIGGY (V.O.)

    In 1995, Dr. Sam Beckett stepped into the main accelerator of Project Quantum Leap and vanished —

    OVER BLACK

    ZIGGY (V.O.)

    — until now.

    EXT. MILITARY OUTPOST (1976) – DAY

    A dusty, utilitarian building in the middle of nowhere. A caption — “1976” — appears and fades.

    INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – CONTINUOUS

    A small, white, antiseptic room with minimal furniture. A massive mirror takes up one of the walls.

    MILLINGTON (20s, intense, creepy) looms over OTIS (8, farm boy, scared).

    OTIS

    I’m Otis Beaufoy.

    MILLINGTON

    No. You’ve temporarily taken Otis’s place. Otis is cooling his heels in a lab in California, thirty years in the future.

    OTIS

    That’s crazy!

    MILLINGTON

    Is it —

    Millington GRABS Otis’s arm (cree-py), and something odd happens —

    Otis morphs into Dr. Sam Beckett.

    MILLINGTON

    — Dr. Beckett?

    He nods to the mirror.

    MILLINGTON

    Kill him.

    Sam dives for cover just as GUNSHOTS shatter the mirror.

    EXT. LAKESIDE (2010) – DAY

    AL (60s, cantankerous) walks and talks with an UNSEEN FIGURE in idyllic surroundings.

    AL

    Sam randomly leaps from person to person, and decade to decade. Even I can’t find him any more.

    Most of this line is voiceover for a —

    SERIES OF SHOTS>

    A) Sam looks into a smeary mirror in a gas-station bathroom. His mirror image is an elderly black man. (Caption: “1958”.)

    B) Sam drives a Cadillac through the desert. He wears sunglasses and a hat, and he smokes a cigarette in a cigarette holder. In the car’s rearview, Hunter S. Thompson looks back. (Caption: “1971”.)

    C) Sam clumsily applies lipstick in a ladies’ restroom. In the mirror: an attractive blonde. (Caption: “1985”.)

    BACK TO SCENE

    Still walking and talking.

    UNSEEN FIGURE

    Maybe we can help.

    New angle REVEALS that the figure is MILLINGTON, now in his 50s, still intense, still creepy!

    OLD MILLINGTON

    So. What makes Sam tick?

    EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET (1993) – NIGHT

    Fire trucks flash their lights on a suburban street as a three-alarm fire dies down. ONLOOKERS gape at the destruction. (The caption: “1993”.)

    A three-alarm fire dies down.

    ONLOOKERS gape at the destruction.

    Sam, in full firefighter’s gear, hands a bottle of water to RHEA (30s), holding a cat, still attractive despite the soot, grime, and singed clothing.

    SAM

    I know what it’s like to lose your home. You’d give anything to get it back, and —

    RHEA

    Wait, how did you even know we were trapped in there?

    SAM

    I’m a time-travelling scientist from the future.

    Beat.

    Rhea laughs.

    RHEA

    Whatever.

    INT./EXT. SURVEILLANCE VAN – CONTINUOUS

    Two scary-looking GOVERNMENT AGENT types watch Sam and Rhea with high-tech equipment.

    AGENT #1

    We’ve acquired the target.

    RADIO VOICE (FILTERED)

    Get him.

    The agents depart the van, weapons drawn.

    INT. SHABBY LIVING ROOM (2010) – DAY

    GUSHIE, a little technician with bad breath and odd clothes, shows Al a cryptic readout on a homebuilt computer.

    AL

    What does any of this mean?

    GUSHIE

    Sam has a trackable signature. We can find him.

    AL

    Tell me where.

    INT. MOD NIGHTCLUB (1966) – NIGHT

    An over-the-top nightclub full of garish colors (caption: “1966”).

    A rectangle of light appears in the air; HOLOGRAM AL enters through it.

    A PASSERBY walks straight through Al like he’s a ghost.

    Al crosses to —

    A NEARBY TABLE

    — where *three* Sams sit, all scribbling equations.

    AL

    Sam. I’m back.

    SAM #1

    Al?

    SAM #2

    Al?

    SAM #3

    Al!

    Sam #3 leaps up and tries to give Al a big hug.

    He sweeps right through the hologram.

    Al rolls his eyes.

    EXT. WHEAT FIELD (1959) – DAY

    In the middle of nowhere, a small airplane bears down on Sam, North by Northwest-style. Sam hits the ground. Holo-Al stands nearby, the wheat sweeping through him. (Caption: “1959”.)

    EXT. WHEAT FIELD – LATER

    Sam and Al hide out from the plane.

    SAM

    Why would someone be after me?

    AL

    You’ve had this hero gig, going from place to place, setting things right that once went wrong.

    This serves as voiceover for another quick —

    SERIES OF SHOTS

    A) In Yankee Stadium, Sam hits a fly ball into deep center field. (Caption: “1967”.)

    B) Sam pilots a Medivac helicopter through a sandstorm. (Caption: “1992”.)

    C) Sam kisses a movie starlet in a Douglas-Sirk-looking scene on a film set. (Caption: “1957.”)

    BACK TO SCENE

    Right back where we were.

    SAM

    What, was somebody setting them wrong in the first place?

    Al doesn’t answer, but he looks worried.

    The plane makes another pass.

    INT. UNIVERSITY LAB (1958) – NIGHT

    Al follows Sam through a lab full of boxy old-style lab equipment (caption: “1958”), and he’s mad as hell.

    SAM

    I have to stop these people.

    AL

    I made you a promise. I promised you I was gonna bring you home.

    Sam approaches a big red button.

    SAM

    Not yet, Al.

    Sam hits the button.

    Suddenly, the room dissolves into —

    INT. HOLO-ROOM – NIGHT

    Now Al is all alone in a plain room similar to the Enterprise’s holo-deck.

    AL

    Dammit!

    EXT. KHE SAHN, VIETNAM (1968) – DAY

    Sam, now in military fatigues, drags a WOUNDED SOLDIER to shelter while bombs EXPLODE nearby and airplanes lay down STRAFING FIRE. (Caption: “1968”.)

    WOUNDED SOLDIER

    Leave me! That’s an order!

    SAM

    We just have to go a little further!

    INT. PROJECT QUANTUM LEAP (2010) – DAY

    Al, bruised and bleeding, picks his way through the lab we saw at the beginning.

    Except now it looks like a bomb has hit it.

    Smoke and sparks everywhere.

    The same voice from the opening —

    ZIGGY (O.S.)

    Initiating auto-destruct sequence. Good-bye Al.

    AL

    What? No!

    INT. CONTROL ROOM (2010) – NIGHT

    A high-tech center that puts everything at Project Quantum Leap to shame. Three-dimensional holo-projections float about the desks and big e-ink maps cover the walls.

    Al, still looking beat-up, sits handcuffed to a chair.

    Millington stands by a control pad and lectures him.

    MILLINGTON

    You lost, Al. We won. And now, *we* decide what happens to Sam!

    He turns a key on the control pad and pulls a lever.

    EXT. FREE-FALL – DAY

    A BLINDING FLASH OF BLUE as Sam leaps into a body that’s in free-fall, 10,000 feet up, plummeting towards earth.

    SAM

    Oh boy.

    SMASH CUT TO:

    QUANTUM LEAP LOGO

    The first few notes of the original theme song play faintly.

    A jumble of different years fade in and out in the background.

    “2010” fades in beneath the main logo, and sticks.

    FADE OUT.

  • Pimp my TV (RA’s Entry)

    EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT

    A middle-aged black WOMAN cradles a bloody, lifeless young teen in her arms. WILL, a tall black teenager stands next to her. Sirens wail in the distance.

    WOMAN

    Will! Will! What have you done!

    CUT TO:

    CU on Will’s face.

    WILL

    Snitch got what he deserved.

    CUT TO:

    Medium shot. Sirens closing in.

    WOMAN

    Baby, you gotta get outta here. Go!

    Will pauses a moment, then runs. Camera lingers on him running away, then cuts back to woman and child.

    A funky bass riff starts playing. Quick cuts of the city streets – random violence on display everywhere. Muggers, prostitutes, pimps, and dealers on every corner. Cops beating a suspect in the middle of the street. The bass is joined by a small combo and continues through the trailer.

    TITLES fly on the screen like spray painted graffiti – “Mean Streets”

    NARRATOR (V.O.)

    Growing up on the mean streets of Philly teaches a brother to look out for number one. This fly young cat ain’t no different.

    TITLES – “One Fly Cat”

    INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

    A posh, huge house. A staircase spirals up in the background. Will stands in the middle of the room with a small bag in one hand and a gat in the other.

    WILL

    This’ll do.

    CARLTON, a short but muscular teen, enters the room wearing a bow tie. He’s got a shotgun trained at Will.

    CARLTON

    How can I help you, cuz?

    WILL

    They call me Fresh. I’m taking over this town.

    TITLES – “They Call Him Fresh”

    INT. BAR – NIGHT

    Will and Carlton beat down some thugs with baseball bats.

    TITLES – “Tough”

    NARRATOR (V.O.)

    From the rough…

    INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

    Will and a beautiful woman going at it.

    TITLES – “Sexy”

    NARRATOR (V.O.)

    …to the tumble. Fresh takes no prisoners…

    INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

    Will is surrounded by FOUR HENCHMEN with guns.

    NARRATOR (V.O.)

    …as he builds his army.

    EXT. STREET CORNER – DAY

    Carlton kicks a dealer repeatedly while Will watches, impassive.

    TITLES – “Cool”

    INT. BOUTIQUE – DAY

    Pricey. Lux. Will and his bow-tied sidekick shoot two well-dressed MEN in the head. A WOMAN watches in horror.

    NARRATOR (V.O.)

    He came to town an outsider, but became royalty.

    WILL

    Tell your boss I’m comin’ for him.

    The woman stands still, shaking.

    WILL

    Go!

    She runs.

    TITLES – “Commanding”

    INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

    Will and Carlton have two scantily-clad women each. A pile of money fills the coffee table in front of them.

    A BUTLER enters with a large silver tray. He lowers it in front of the men and we

    CUT TO:

    CU on two fat lines of coke. Will and Carlton lean into frame and snort it all.

    TITLES – “Living Large”

    NARRATOR (V.O.)

    He had it all.

    INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

    DON GIOVANNI sits at a small table in front of a huge plate of pasta. BODYGUARDS flank him. Across from him sits one of his LIEUTENANTs, scrawny and nervous.

    DON GIOVANNI

    What the -BLEEP- do you mean they ain’t payin’ the protection money?

    INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

    Will and Carlton stand amidst bloody corpses. Girls, their henchmen, their butler.

    NARRATOR (V.O.)

    And then he had war.

    INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

    Will and Carlton strap on guns and ammo, ready for war.

    INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

    Will lies dying on the floor. Don Giovanni is dead, his men are all dead. Carlton scrambles over the bodies to Will’s side.

    CARLTON

    (Through tears)

    You gonna be fine, Fresh!

    WILL

    I ain’t gonna make it. You gotta take my place. Carry on.

    TITLES – “Maybe Just a Little Bit Gay”

    CARLTON

    I can’t.

    WILL

    You gotta.

    (Coughs)

    You gotta.

    NARRATOR (V.O.)

    When the cool fall, it’s tragedy.

    TITLES – “The Prince of Bel-Air”

    BLACKOUT:

  • FSW: Pimp my TV (Ken’s Entry)

    Looks like I got the honor of being the first warrior on the field of battle this week…

    So this week we had a little change up, and got our sketch inspiration from the Pimp My TV contest going on at Filmaker Frenzy (http://www.filmmakingfrenzy.com/sites/filmfrenzy_beta/ViewFrenzy.aspx?FrenzyId=18) . In the tradition of John Woo doing Mission: Impossible and JJ Abrams directing Star Trek, I decided to go with classic show reinterpreted by iconic director.

    Take it away Mr. Director:
    _________________________________________________

    SLOW FADE IN:

    EXT. – PREP SCHOOL – DAY

    Snow flakes fall on the tops of an evergreen forest. As the camera descends in slow motion, we can see the red ceramic tiles of an estate-like building under a light blanket of snow, then we see big glass windows, beige stone, big wooden doors, concrete benches in the courtyard, and a brick walkway leading to the door.

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    This Christmas, one of America’s most celebrated directors brings one of America’s grittiest television shows to the big screen.

    Music starts, and the first words of “Girl, You’ll be a Woman Soon” by Urge Overkill are sung

    SINGER (V.O.)

    Girl….you’ll be a woman, soon…

    The music continues as the camera settles close to the ground in the middle of the brick sidewalk. Four girls – one blond, one brunette, one African American, and one heavier girl – all in prep-school uniforms (red plaid skirts, knee socks, navy-blue sweaters, carrying books) walk past the camera still in slow motion.
    The camera shifts around so we can see the school girls in profile. It goes down the line showing each girl’s face, pausing long enough for their name to be captioned with a name:

    Blonde girl’s caption: BLAIR
    Brunette girl’s caption: JO
    Heavy-set girl’s caption: NATALIE
    African-American girl’s caption: TOOTIE

    They stop in equal stances framing the big front door, which opens to reveal matronly woman in her late 50’s with bright orange hair (MRS. GARRETT).

    Caption comes up on screen: EDNA GARRETT

    MRS. GARRETT

    You lazy bitches better get in this motherfuckin’ cafeteria or I will get medieval on your asses, I shit you not!

    Titles come up on screen:

    QUENTIN TARANTINO’S
    FACTS OF LIFE

    CUT TO:

    INT. CAFETERIA – DAY

    MRS. GARRETT locks the doors behind the girls.

    MRS. GARRETT

    Listen up. Drummond’s fast tracked this job – it’s big. Gear up.

    JO, BLAIR, TOOTIE and NATALIE go pull folding cafeteria tables out from the walls. Behind them are racks of guns, knives, swords, etc. The girls start pulling them out and strapping them on.

    MRS. GARRETT

    We pull this off, and Drummond keeps Edna’s Edibles in flour, sugar, coke for a long time. Code names…Blair you’re Ms. Blond. Jo, you’re Ms. Brunette. Tootie you’re Ms. Black. Natalie, you’re Ms. Michelin.

    NATALIE is visibly pissed. The girls, armed and wearing black suits, black ties, white shirts and Ray Bans come to the middle of the room.

    MRS. GARRETT

    Drummond wants this clean, capice?

    BLAIR

    We need to make this quick. I got a date tonight.

    JO

    Me too.

    TOOTIE

    Me too.

    Everyone looks at NATALIE who keeps quiet.

    MRS. GARRETT

    Natalie, you’ve got clean up.

    They all exit, with NATALIE hesitating before following

    CUT TO:

    INT. EDNA’S EDIBLES – NIGHT

    MRS. GARRETT snorts lines of coke off the glass pastry case she stands behind in small bakery cafe cash. JO, TOOTIE and BLAIR tidy up around the shop

    MRS. GARRETT

    I can’t believe Natalie missed her shift. She never misses a chance to be around food. Something’s fucked up.

    The big storefront glass window with the words “Edna’s Edibles” explodes inward. NATALIE bursts through and unloads a pump-action shotgun blast into the pastry case. Three girls in prep-school uniforms and zipper-mouthed leather bondage masks stand behind her brandishing identical shotguns.

    NATALIE

    The motherfuckin’ cookbook…NOW!!!

    MRS. GARRETT tosses her a big book with a glare.

    NATALIE

    Edna’s Edibles is permanently closed…people in this neighborhood will eat at “Natalie’s Noshes”.

    NATALIE and the masked girls back out of the cafe with the book, and toss in several molotov cocktails. MRS. GARRETT speaks as the flames get higher around her.

    MRS. GARRETT

    (yelling)

    You can’t run bitch! My righteous fury shall be tempered in your flames, and my vengeance shall rain down upon thee like all the plagues of Egypt. Behold, for I shall come upon thee like a thief in the night, and that is a fact!!!

    CUT TO:

    INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT

    MARK, a teenage prep-school boy, sits tied to a metal chair under a single hanging bulb. His face is bruised and bloody. BLAIR, TOOTIE and JO stand around him.

    TOOTIE

    He ain’t gonna squeal where Natalie’s at.

    JO

    Bring in the gimp.

    BLAIR snaps her fingers. A door opens showing a sliver of light and a tall shambling figure walks in. Sweat pours down MARK’s terrified face as he hears the scarping footsteps in the dark. He’s almost ready to scream when the mystery figure, GERI, steps into the light and starts speaking

    GERI

    Hi I’m Geri. I’m Blair’s cousin, and I have cerebral palsy, but that won’t stop me from entertaining you with 30 minutes of people-positive comedy!

    MARK

    (screaming)

    AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

    CUT TO:

    INT. PENTHOUSE APARTMENT – DAY

    NATALIE and her masked girls kick in the white double doors and enter. NATALIE wears a samurai sword strapped to her back

    NATALIE

    Fan out…Drummond’s here some place.

    A short African American boy, ARNOLD, flies in and takes out the three masked girls with some fast acrobatic kung fu. He lands in front of the stair case. He also has a samurai sword strapped to his back.

    ARNOLD

    Mr. Drummond’s out.

    NATALIE pulls a .45 from her waistband and aims it at ARNOLD.

    NATALIE

    Says who?

    ARNOLD whips out a throwing star that rips the .45 Out of NATALIE’s grasp.

    ARNOLD

    Says me.

    NATALIE draws her samurai sword and goes into a dueling stance.

    NATALIE

    I’ll go upstairs and wait.

    ARNOLD pulls his sword and goes into his dueling stance.

    ARNOLD

    What you talkin’ ‘bout, bitch?

    CUT TO:

    INT. MUSCLE CAR – NIGHT

    JO drives, BLAIR rides shotgun, TOOTIE sits in the middle of the back seat. All wear Ray Bans that reflect street lights as they drive the black 1967 Dodge Charger. They stare straight ahead intensely as the engine roars, and don’t speak for a long time.

    JO

    You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in France?

    BLAIR

    Natalie would know.

    TOOTIE

    Natalie knows food.

    CUT TO:

    INT. CRUMBLING WAREHOUSE – NIGHT

    NATALIE has her sword drawn as do JO, TOOTIE and BLAIR. The three circle her. NATALIE is dirty, sweaty, and her school uniform torn. A spotlight pops on illuminating MRS. GARRET on the catwalk above the factory floor. Half of her face is scarred from horrific burns, making her twisted smile more horrifying.

    MRS. GARRETT

    Poor Natalie….the world never seems to be living up to your dreams. Girls, teach her a little life lesson for me.

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    You take the good…

    Close up on NATALIE

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    You take the bad…

    Close up on MRS. GARRETT

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    You take ‘em both and there you have…

    High shot of the girls circling NATALIE
    JO, BLAIR and TOOTIE lunge at NATALIE with swords above their heads poised to slash. The screen goes completely black and titles slowly fade up:

    QUENTIN TARANTINO’S
    FACTS OF LIFE

    Coming Soon

    This film is not yet rated

    FADE TO BLACK.