I suppose after all these years, I’m realizing that these tales are less “science fiction” and more “horror.”
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Author: dstinton
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Boring Science Fiction Theatre, Episode Three
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Boring Science Fiction Theatre, Episode 2
Here’s part 2. I actually got to do these in front of an audience for a live taping. I was the SFX guy, which was boatloads of fun.
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Boring Science Fiction Theatre
I wrote these as a series of short radio plays for a station in Champaign-Urbana back in 1997. I’ve done very little editing beyond formatting, so please indulge the meanderings of a 23-year-old.
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Live From New York, It’s Speed Dating
(A speed dating event. MEGAN, an attractive thirtysomething, sits at a small table across from PHIL, 38, in a sharp suit and tie.)
MEGAN
Hi there! I’m Megan.PHIL
Nice to meet you unbutton your blouse, Megan. I’m Phil Maloney.MEGAN
What do you do for a living, Phil?PHIL
I’m an advertising executive filthy rich at an agency downtown.
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Barring Some Newfound Ability to Manipulate Time…
…I predict that there will be no sketch from me today. I’ll try to catch up later, because I love the topic.
However, I’ll link to a story I wrote a few years ago that touches on the theme.
Enjoy.
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Danielle Steel or Steely Dan?
(The game show set of “Danielle Steel or Steely Dan.” The host, ZACK HICKS, grins at the camera.)
ZACK
Hello again everybody, and welcome to “Danielle Steel or Steely Dan,” the game that quizzes your knowledge of popular literature and music. Let’s meet today’s contestant!ANNOUNCER
Today’s contestant is a dental hygienist from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Please welcome Jill Beringer!(JILL enters excitedly amidst applause.)
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The Modernistic
(Ridgeview: a small college town in central Illinois, nestled amidst the prairies and the cornfields.)
(Exterior shot of the Ridgeview bus station. Summer, early evening. We hear the tinny sound of a telephone ringing, as heard through a receiver. Dissolve to the bus station’s interior. Camera pans across a line of payphones and comes to rest on one that is missing its receiver. Camera follows the cord down and finds HARRY DOWNING curled up on the floor beneath the payphone, the receiver cradled against his cheek. He is clutching a carry-on bag.)
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Pimp My TV: Dave Stinton’s entry
(CAPTION: Los Angeles, CA. 1988.)
(The Hollywood Sign is viewed from the sky on a bright, hazy Los Angeles afternoon. We hear a solo trumpet playing a soothing light jazz riff.)
NARRATOR
Tinsel Town. We’ve seen the glitter. We’ve seen the glamour. But who can bear to look upon what’s behind it?(The view spins 180 degrees and zooms in, and we are at ground level behind the Hollywood sign. Graffiti and garbage abound. But we become aware of the source of the music: a dapper man in a white linen suit playing the trumpet. He finishes his solo and gazes out on the landscape below.)
(An URCHIN’s voice startles him.)
URCHIN
Man, you’re just like Gabriel!(The MAN looks down at the URCHIN and grins a pearly, crooked grin.)
MAN
Almost.(BLACKOUT)
NARRATOR
While all eyes are on the stars…(The darkness is pierced by several bright lights aimed directly at the camera.)
NARRATOR
…only the most hardened journalists can truly see them.(Television cameras swivel into place. We are on a soundstage. The MAN sits at a news desk next to a WOMAN. Behind them is a backdrop of Los Angeles at night. A PRODUCER counts down the seconds and cues them.)
MAN
Good evening, I’m John Tesh.WOMAN
And I’m Mary Hart. Paul Hogan takes a break from the set of “Crocodile Dundee II” to have a chat with us…NARRATOR
When Hollywood’s most sacred institution is threatened…(Cut to JOHN TESH on the phone in his coffee-cup strewn news office.)
JOHN TESH
Chevy Chase is planning to rig the Oscars?(Cut to CHEVY CHASE standing forlorn, holding a bouquet of flowers in the rain. GLENN CLOSE walks away from him, having just rejected his romantic advances.)
NARRATOR
…only one news team can set things right before the credits roll.(Cut to ROBIN LEACH at a payphone in a parking garage.)
ROBIN LEACH
John, this is bigger than you. It’s bigger than me. Stay out of it!(Cut to the flash of a GUNSHOT in a darkened corporate office. CHEVY CHASE approaches the dying body of a man he just shot. He picks up the man’s briefcase, and we see the PriceWaterhouse logo emblazoned on it.)
CHEVY CHASE
(voiceover)
Glenn, listen to me. I’m hosting this year. You deserve that award for “Fatal Attraction.” And I can make it happen for you.(Cut to a closeup of a horrified GLENN CLOSE.)
GLENN CLOSE
(whisper)
You’re insane.(Cut to JOHN TESH hunched over his glass of Tab in a jazz club in between sets. His trumpet rests on the bar. MARY HART is seated next to him.)
JOHN TESH
I’m sorry, Mary. You just can’t fight something like this. Hollywood one, John Tesh zero.MARY HART
I can’t even look at you.(MARY HART gets up and leaves. JOHN TESH glares at his reflection in the mirror behind the bar.)
(Cut to the soundstage. JOHN TESH and MARY HART are on camera.)
MARY HART
(tears in her eyes)
Our top story tonight: my partner John Tesh is a filthy coward.PRODUCER
What the hell is she doing?(The monitors all cut to test patterns as MARY HART stands and storms away. JOHN TESH buries his face in his hands.)
(Pulse-pounding percussive music over a series of quick cuts:
Overhead shot of a traffic jam of limos.
Blood pooling in a handprint in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theatre.
CHEVY CHASE sliding down a giant Oscar statuette.
JOHN TESH kicking over a television camera.
CELEBRITIES on the red carpet grinning in a hail of flashbulbs.
JOHN TESH and MARY HART clinging to each other on a windy night.
A team of DANCERS rehearsing their Oscar number.
MARY HART brandishing a tarnished Oscar like a weapon.
CHEVY CHASE grappling with GLENN CLOSE in a darkened mansion.
CHER dropping her wrap to reveal a transparent silk net gown.)(Music reaches a crescendo and stops suddenly. Cut to backstage at the Shrine Auditorium. CHEVY CHASE, tuxedo rumpled and bowtie askew, holds one arm around MARY HART’s neck. With his other hand, he aims a pistol at JOHN TESH.)
CHEVY CHASE
(quiet and furious, through clenched teeth.)
The envelope.
(he cocks the gun.)
Please.(Ba-da Ba-da-da Baaaaah! The familiar theme music bursts forth as the “Entertainment Tonight” logo drifts across the screen. Below it, we see a lineup of the cast.)
NARRATOR
Josh Brolin as John Tesh.
Amy Adams as Mary Hart.
Casey Affleck as Chevy Chase.
Naomi Watts as Glenn Close.
And featuring Philip Seymour Hoffman as Robin Leach.
“Entertainment Tonight”: the Motion Picture.
To truly see the stars … wait till night falls. -
Spelling Bee
(A spelling bee. A banner stretches over the stage reading “The Rolaids Regional Spelling Bee.” Below it, several kids with numbers on their chests sit in folding chairs. One kid, SUSIE, stands at the microphone, her face clenched in concentration. An AUDITOR sits at a nearby table, waiting to hear her speak.)
SUSIE
May I have the company of origin?AUDITOR
It comes from The Olive Garden.(pause)
SUSIE
May I hear it in a sentence?AUDITOR
“The free breadsticks with my entrée were just one example of the Hospitaliano I have come to expect from The Olive Garden.”SUSIE
Hospitaliano. H-O-S-P-I-T-A-L-I-A-N-O. Hospitaliano.(PING! A bell rings, signifying that this is the correct answer. A smattering of applause. SUSIE sits down. TIMMY approaches the microphone.)
AUDITOR
Your word is, “Slickery.”TIMMY
May I hear it in a sentence?AUDITOR
“With cold and flu season upon us, my family’s comfort is more important than ever. That is why I rely on N’ice brand throat lozenges to make my family’s throats feel Slickery.”BILLY
Slickery. S-L-I-C-K-E-R-Y.(PING! A smattering of applause. TIMMY sits down. AMBER approaches the microphone.)
AUDITOR
Your word is, “Noid.”AMBER
May I hear it in the form of a sentence?AUDITOR
“The Noid has one nefarious desire: to make pizzas cold and unpalatable.”(BILL PULLMAN enters and speaks directly to us.)
BILL PULLMAN
Is this the kind of world you want to live in? Hello, I’m Bill Pullman. And what you see behind me is part of a future that is all too possible. With plummeting funding for our nation’s schools, and corporate interests taking over every aspect of our lives, our children may soon no skills outside of mindless consuming. And that will allow the Chinese to come over here and crack us open like a walnut.
(He smiles.)
W-A-L-N-U-T. Walnut.(BILL PAXTON enters and speaks directly to us.)
BILL PAXTON
A commercial telling you not to listen to commercials?
(Looks to BILL PULLMAN.)
Nice logic, spaz.
(Back to us.)
Do you want to live in a world of condescending, pedantic PSAs? Neither do I. I’m Bill Paxton, and I’m here on behalf of the Advertisers of America. Sure, you could stop paying attention to us. If you don’t mind the collapse of brand loyalty. If you don’t mind giving up your dreams of luxury and status. If you don’t mind Americans losing their standing as the best damn consumers in the world.(BILL PULLMAN steps forth and claps BILL PAXTON on the shoulder.)
BILL PULLMAN
Advertising is the Castrol motor oil that keeps the world turning. The Scharffen Berger chocolate bar we dangle in front of the donkey of industry.BILL PAXTON
If we maintain the strength of our desires, we needn’t worry about the weakness of the economy.BILL PULLMAN
And together, we can crack the Chinese open like a delicious Emerald walnut.
(winks)
E-M-E-R-A-L-D.(BLACKOUT. CAPTION: “Three Minutes Earlier.”)
(Lights come back up. BILLS PULLMAN and PAXTON are gone. JOHNNY stands at the microphone on stage.)
AUDITOR
Your word is, “Advertising.”JOHNNY
May I have a definition?AUDITOR
Advertising: the action of bringing something to the attention of the public, usually through paid announcements.JOHNNY
May I hear it in the form of an unwieldy, self-reflexive piece of sketch comedy?