(A morgue. Four bodies are covered with sheets. TONY PRATT, coroner, lifts one of the sheets and speaks into a handheld tape recorder.)<\/i><\/p>\n
TONY
…and the renal and liver failure, along with the low sodium concentration in the plasma, makes for a textbook case of Legionnaires’ disease. In younger victims, this would have been very treatable, but these subjects had elderly, oft-abused bodies, and this outbreak was simply the straw that broke the camel\u2019s back.
(TONY walks to another of the sheets and lifts it.)<\/i>
Keith Richards lasted the longest, but the severe bouts of vomiting finally drained his body of all hydration, leaving him a dried husk of a man.
(TONY drops the sheet and begins walking across the room.)<\/i>
And if I may add a personal note, I am saddened by the fact that the band I grew up worshipping, the band I thought would never die, has been felled by something as random as a bacterial infection spread by the air conditioning system of their five-star hotel. Their end does not hold with the hard-living reputa- WHOOP
(TONY has slipped on something. He bends down and examines it.)<\/i>
What the hell?
(He leans closer.)<\/i>
That\u2019s disgusting.<\/p>\n
(BRENT HERNANDEZ, an assistant coroner, enters. He has tears in his eyes.)<\/i><\/p>\n
BRENT
Tony, have you seen- WHOOP
(BRENT has slipped too. He looks around him on the floor.)<\/i>
Oh no. It happened again.<\/p>\n
TONY
What happened again?<\/p>\n
BRENT
It\u2019s the new intern, sir. She keeps wandering in here, and, well…<\/p>\n
TONY
Well what?<\/p>\n
BRENT
Have you seen her? She\u2019s fucking hot.<\/p>\n
TONY
Brent, if the two of you have been fornicating in the morgue, I\u2019ll see to it that you never work in the industry again.<\/p>\n
BRENT
No! Not at all! In fact, she\u2019s a bit of a tease… It\u2019s, uh, it\u2019s why I\u2019m crying.<\/p>\n
TONY (indicating the floor)<\/i>
Then where did this come from?<\/p>\n
BRENT
It\u2019s the bodies, sir. I think… I think it\u2019s from the bodies. This happens every time the new intern comes in here.<\/p>\n
TONY
Are you serious?<\/p>\n
BRENT
She\u2019s really fucking hot.<\/p>\n
TONY
Be that as it may, the floor is covered in corpse ejaculate, and I am not going to clean it up. Send the intern in here with a mop.<\/p>\n
BRENT
All due respect, sir, that would cause a bit of a vicious cycle.<\/p>\n
TONY
Tell her to wear some dowdy clothing!<\/p>\n
BRENT
I can\u2019t. She\u2019d take us to court in a sexual discrimination case.<\/p>\n
And Now, The Punch Line.<\/b><\/p>\n
(TONY looks to the camera and rolls his eyes.)<\/i><\/p>\n
TONY
This is the worst musical predicament we\u2019ve had here since Roberta Flack\u2019s lover went on that soft-song killing spree!!!!!!!!!<\/p>\n
The End.<\/b><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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