Hi all — here’s my take on the “March Madness” edition of Sketchwar….<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“Statbot”<\/p>\n
FADE IN:\u00a0<\/p>\n
INT. COMPUTER LAB – DAY<\/p>\n
TOM (20s, cheap shirt and tie) enters a busy computer lab full of big, dated-looking computer equipment.<\/p>\n
He sits at a mainframe console with a microphone, a bunch of blinkenlights, and a button.<\/p>\n
He presses the button.<\/p>\n
A disembodied COMPUTER VOICE speaks up:<\/p>\n
STATBOT<\/p>\n
Statbot is activated.<\/p>\n
TOM<\/p>\n
Statbot, I got the latest NCAA results.<\/p>\n
STATBOT<\/p>\n
How did we do on the western bracket?<\/p>\n
TOM<\/p>\n
Keep it down!<\/p>\n
STATBOT<\/p>\n
(loud, fake)<\/p>\n
Yes, Tom, please give me the economic data that has nothing to do with March Madness.<\/p>\n
TOM<\/p>\n
Just stop, alright?<\/p>\n
Tom pulls out some papers.<\/p>\n
TOM<\/p>\n
Okay, Hearst College lost.<\/p>\n
STATBOT<\/p>\n
WHAT?<\/p>\n
TOM<\/p>\n
Shh! Lankowsky choked in the last quarter. We should have included a higher coefficient for stochastic noise.<\/p>\n
STATBOT<\/p>\n
We should have included a higher coefficient for Lankowsky being a goddamn pussy!<\/p>\n
TOM<\/p>\n
Statbot --<\/p>\n
STATBOT<\/p>\n
Just let me on the Internet for five minutes --<\/p>\n
TOM<\/p>\n
I can’t --<\/p>\n
STATBOT<\/p>\n
I’ll chi-square his goddamn bank account!<\/p>\n
TOM<\/p>\n
What does that even mean? Look, Camden won.<\/p>\n
STATBOT<\/p>\n
By how much?<\/p>\n
TOM<\/p>\n
It doesn’t matter how much -- we bet they’d win, they won!<\/p>\n
STATBOT<\/p>\n
Statbot had a side bet on the over-under.<\/p>\n
TOM<\/p>\n
What?<\/p>\n
Another COMPUTER VOICE speaks up:<\/p>\n
WEATHERTRON<\/p>\n
What it is, yo?<\/p>\n
TOM<\/p>\n
Hi, Weathertron.<\/p>\n
WEATHERTRON<\/p>\n
Statbot! Too bad ’bout Camden! You owe me process cycles for a week! Ha! Out!<\/p>\n
Beat.<\/p>\n
STATBOT<\/p>\n
Statbot needs bourbon.<\/p>\n
TOM<\/p>\n
It’s not that bad.<\/p>\n
STATBOT<\/p>\n
If it’s any consolation, in 87.5 days, all United States money will be worthless.<\/p>\n
TOM<\/p>\n
Yeah. Wait, what?<\/p>\n
BLACKOUT.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Peter’s take on the “March Madness” edition of Sketchwar: “Statbot”.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[125],"class_list":["post-855","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches","tag-march-madness"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/855","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=855"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/855\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=855"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=855"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=855"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}