(A speed dating event. MEGAN, an attractive thirtysomething, sits at a small table across from PHIL, 38, in a sharp suit and tie.)<\/i><\/p>\n
MEGAN
\nHi there! I\u2019m Megan.<\/p>\n
PHIL MEGAN PHIL PHIL MEGAN PHIL MEGAN PHIL (Ping! The bell rings, and it\u2019s time to move to the next date.)<\/i><\/p>\n MEGAN PHIL (MEGAN sits at another table across from NICHOLAS, a man in his late twenties with a shaggy mop of red hair. He wears a green Army jacket.)<\/i><\/p>\n MEGAN NICHOLAS MEGAN NICHOLAS MEGAN NICHOLAS MEGAN NICHOLAS MEGAN NICHOLAS MEGAN NICHOLAS (Ping!)<\/i><\/p>\n MEGAN NICHOLAS MEGAN (MEGAN sits at a third table across from three men: TARZAN, TONTO, and FRANKENSTEIN.)<\/i><\/p>\n MEGAN TARZAN TONTO FRANKENSTEIN MEGAN TONTO MEGAN TARZAN FRANKENSTEIN MEGAN TONTO TARZAN FRANKENSTEIN TONTO MEGAN TARZAN MEGAN FRANKENSTEIN TONTO FRANKENSTEIN (FRANKENSTEIN lifts a screaming MEGAN out of her chair and runs directly through a wall. TONTO and TARZAN watch him go.)<\/i><\/p>\n TARZAN TONTO TARZAN (A speed dating event. MEGAN, an attractive thirtysomething, sits at a small table across from PHIL, 38, in a sharp suit and tie.) MEGAN Hi there! I\u2019m Megan. PHIL Nice to meet you unbutton your blouse, Megan. I\u2019m Phil Maloney. MEGAN What do you do for a living, Phil? PHIL I\u2019m an advertising executive filthy […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[186],"class_list":["post-804","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches","tag-snl-characters"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/804","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=804"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/804\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=804"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=804"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=804"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nNice to meet you unbutton your blouse,<\/i><\/sub> Megan. I\u2019m Phil Maloney.<\/p>\n
\nWhat do you do for a living, Phil?<\/p>\n
\nI\u2019m an advertising executive filthy rich<\/i><\/sub> at an agency downtown.
\n
\nMEGAN
\nThat sounds fascinating. Do you like it?<\/p>\n
\nThere are those who see it as crass manipulation of genitalia<\/i><\/sub> emotions, but I see it as matching consumers with their needs erotic massage.<\/i><\/sub> And if it increases penis size<\/i><\/sub> revenue for my firm throbbing bodies,<\/i><\/sub> then who am I to argue?<\/p>\n
\nSo, do you make TV commercials or something?<\/p>\n
\nBroadcast still plays a role dirty principal and innocent schoolgirl<\/i>,<\/sub> but nowadays outdoor sex,<\/i><\/sub> print sex,<\/i><\/sub> and web hot monkey sex<\/i><\/sub> are increasingly important.<\/p>\n
\nWhat\u2019s an ideal night out on the town for you?<\/p>\n
\nWell, I have a fast-paced lifestyle, so I like to take a woman out on an adventure curl up on the couch and watch \u201cThe Incredibles.\u201d<\/i><\/sub> I\u2019m thinking a whirlwind wine-and-dine evening, club hopping, and finishing it all off by watching the sunrise sharing a pint of Chubby Hubby ice cream directly out of the carton.<\/i><\/sub><\/p>\n
\nWell, it was nice to meet you Phil.<\/p>\n
\nYou too! Good luck please pick me please pick me.<\/i><\/sub><\/p>\n
\nHey. I\u2019m Megan.<\/p>\n
\nHi Megan! I\u2019m Nicholas Fehn.<\/p>\n
\nSo tell me a bit about yourself.<\/p>\n
\nI\u2019m a political comedian.<\/p>\n
\nOh, wow!<\/p>\n
\nYes, I take headlines from the day\u2019s paper and offer up my own skewed take on the issues.<\/p>\n
\nThat sounds fascinating! It must be such a rush to perform like that!<\/p>\n
\nIt, it \u2013 do you know \u2013 I would say… My<\/i> opinion would be… Look. A \u201crush.\u201d If you do… Here\u2019s how I see it. If you do something for \u2013 or anyone,<\/i> if anyone does something for… Isn\u2019t it? \u201cFair trade.\u201d Okay? For example. Or, or \u2013 if it can be called<\/i> as such, I don\u2019t think you would disagree, or, look, I think you would at the very least be inclined not<\/i> to disagree… Do you see?<\/p>\n
\nUm.<\/p>\n
\nIt, one moment, it behooves<\/i> us… Or, if not behooves, then at least inspires us to, to look at… One thing that… Among the things, the impetuses,<\/i> and listen, I\u2019m not objecting<\/i> to the word \u201cinspiration,\u201d but often we lose track of… We fail to see<\/i>…<\/p>\n
\nOne sec. I\u2019m sorry. We\u2019re running out of time, and I just wanted to ask what you do for fun.<\/p>\n
\nFun is, okay, fun<\/i>… The pursuit of which I can\u2019t help but \u2013 right? \u2013 it becomes, at heart, a kind of \u2013 or a genre<\/i> of \u2013 let\u2019s look at the \u201csignificance,\u201d all right? Fluorocarbons. It\u2019s all right there<\/i> if only you \u2013 if you\u2019re able to look up from your \u2013 to make yourself aware<\/i> \u2013<\/p>\n
\nIt was nice meeting you, Nicholas.<\/p>\n
\nAt its core<\/i> \u2013<\/p>\n
\nIt was nice meeting you. Good luck.<\/p>\n
\n(wearily pessimistic)<\/i>
\nI\u2019m Megan.<\/p>\n
\n(pointing to himself hesitantly)<\/i>
\nTarzan.<\/p>\n
\n(pointing to himself stoically)<\/i>
\nTonto.<\/p>\n
\nNgaaaaaaaah.<\/p>\n
\nI have to be honest with you fellas, I\u2019m losing faith in this whole speed dating thing.<\/p>\n
\nMany moons spent in search of soul mate, like mighty bear quest for salmon. Eventually realize that all tents more attractive with approach of winter.<\/p>\n
\nI know exactly what you mean! I just don\u2019t want to sell myself short, you know?<\/p>\n
\nOne never know true strength until faced with enraged leopard.<\/p>\n
\nRrrrrrrrrrr.<\/p>\n
\nThat\u2019s so true. So what do you guys do for fun?<\/p>\n
\nTake in movie. Quiet dinner.<\/p>\n
\nLong walk along river. Thwart white hunter.<\/p>\n
\nGuuuuuuurng.<\/p>\n
\nPerhaps end evening with flight of Australian shiraz at wine bar.<\/p>\n
\nOh, that sounds so inviting.<\/p>\n
\nAnd you? What woman enjoy?<\/p>\n
\nI guess I’d just order in, have a long, quiet conversation. Maybe curl up in front of a raging fire.<\/p>\n
\nFiiiire!<\/p>\n
\nNo, Frankenstein! Take easy!<\/p>\n
\nFire BAD!!!!<\/p>\n
\nMe told you, leave Frankenstein home.<\/p>\n
\nHe just nervous. Deep down, has heart of romantic.<\/p>\n
\nHe have yet to show it.
\n(pause)<\/i>
\nOh. Me get it. Good one.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"