I’ve been under the weather this week and having really strange fever dreams. At least I hope this was just a dream.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
INT. TELEVISION STUDIO – NIGHT<\/p>\n
CLOSE on MARY and JASPER behind contestant podia. Each has a piece of poster board facing out in front of them. In black marker, Mary’s reads “VENISON”. Jasper’s reads “WILD BOAR”.<\/p>\n
CUT TO:<\/p>\n
TED NUGENT across from the contestants. He holds a plate in one hand, with a bloody piece of meat skewered on a fork in the other.<\/p>\n
TED<\/p>\n
I’m sorry. The correct answer is racoon. Racoon. I caught this little bastard rooting through the garbage behind the studio.<\/p>\n
Ted pops the meat in his mouth and chews with delight. The camera widens to show Mary and Jasper turn green.<\/p>\n
Ted crosses to center stage as Mary turns and wretches behind the podium.<\/p>\n
TED (CONT’D)<\/p>\n
Tune in tomorrow when two more challengers try to figure out what I killed.<\/p>\n
(beat)<\/p>\n
And please remember to spay and neuter your pets folks.<\/p>\n
(conspiratorially)<\/p>\n
Else I might have to shoot ’em.<\/p>\n
Theme music – “Cat Scratch Fever” – starts up and Ted waves to the camera. Mary continues to wretch. Jasper stumbles out like a zombie.<\/p>\n
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)<\/p>\n
Many animals were harmed during the filming of “Ted Nugent’s Game Show”. If any ASPCA or PETA\u00a0 nancyboys have a problem with that, they can take it up with the business end of Ted’s compound bow. “Ted Nugent’s Game Show” was filmed before a live studio audience.<\/p>\n
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