{"id":63,"date":"2008-05-16T09:26:00","date_gmt":"2008-05-16T17:26:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wwwold.sketchwar.org\/?p=63"},"modified":"2008-05-16T09:26:00","modified_gmt":"2008-05-16T17:26:00","slug":"fsw-cop-out-edition","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/?p=63","title":{"rendered":"FSW: Cop Out Edition"},"content":{"rendered":"

So I’ve been a little busy lately. And more than a little unfocused. So the sketch I was working on for today didn’t really come together. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to leave you empty handed. I have this play I’ve been working on forever. A comedy, of course. About a poor fellow who goes out on a date with a woman who may or may not be murdering the men she goes out with. At the moment it’s titled The Blind Date Black Widow<\/u>. This is a scene from early in the first act. Our hero, Mitch, has just had a little verbal confrontation with a nosy neighborlady and now his best friend, Stew, has come over. It’s set in Mitch’s tiny, one bedroom apartment.<\/em> Please feel free to leave any feedback you may have.<\/em>
<\/em>
For those playing by the rules this week, Richard’s flown the coop<\/a> and Dave has too<\/a>.<\/em>
<\/em>
The Blind Date Bandit<\/p>\n

(The door begins to open but the chain catches it. There is a thud.)<\/p>\n

STEW: (Off) Ouch! Mitch, open up!<\/p>\n

MITCH: Hang on Stew.
(He opens the door)
Sorry about that.<\/p>\n

(Stewart, 30\u2019s and husky, enters. He is wearing his police uniform.)<\/p>\n

STEW: Why are you using the chain?<\/p>\n

MITCH: Why don\u2019t you knock like a normal person?<\/p>\n

STEW: Because you gave me a key.<\/p>\n

MITCH: I gave you that in case I lock myself out. Not so you could let yourself in here whenever you want. What if I was with someone?<\/p>\n

(Stewart makes himself at home. Getting a beer from the fridge, eating whatever food might be lying around.)<\/p>\n

STEW: Like who?<\/p>\n

MITCH: What if I had a date?<\/p>\n

STEW: I think I know you better than that.<\/p>\n

MITCH: What do you want, Stew?<\/p>\n

STEW: What do you mean?<\/p>\n

MITCH: What brings you by?<\/p>\n

STEW: Nothing. My shift ended early today so I thought I\u2019d stop by and shoot the shit with you.
(Beat) That\u2019s an odd turn of phrase, isn\u2019t it? Do you suppose people in olden times used to sit around and actually shoot shit?<\/p>\n

(Mitch just looks at him)<\/p>\n

STEW: What? The entomology of words and phrases has always fascinated me.<\/p>\n

MITCH: Don\u2019t you mean et<\/em>ymology?<\/p>\n

STEW: Isn\u2019t that the study of birds or something?<\/p>\n

MITCH: No, that\u2019s ornithology.<\/p>\n

STEW: I thought that was teeth.<\/p>\n

MITCH: Maybe you should look into another hobby.<\/p>\n

STEW: Eh. So what are you cooking? It smells good.<\/p>\n

MITCH: Dinner for my date<\/em>. Tonight<\/em>. I hate to rush you out of here, but I still have to get ready.<\/p>\n

STEW: Is this one of the girls Alison set you up with?<\/p>\n

MITCH: No, Stewart, your wife had nothing to do with this date. Thank God.<\/p>\n

STEW: What\u2019s that supposed to mean?<\/p>\n

MITCH: Alison\u2019s a terrible matchmaker.<\/p>\n

STEW: Mitch, she runs her own dating service. I think she knows what she\u2019s doing.<\/p>\n

MITCH: She\u2019s set me up three times and every one was a complete disaster.<\/p>\n

STEW: You ever think that maybe that has more to do with the matchee than the matcher? I mean, they don\u2019t just throw people together willy-nilly. There\u2019s a science to it, Mitch.<\/p>\n

MITCH: Like physics and biology?<\/p>\n

STEW: Did you lie on your form? I bet you lied on your form. Trying to make yourself look better so you could rate a better class of woman.<\/p>\n

MITCH: I didn\u2019t lie on my form.<\/p>\n

STEW: What did you put down as your occupation?<\/p>\n

MITCH: I don\u2019t remember.<\/p>\n

STEW: Did you put down temp?<\/p>\n

MITCH: I told you, I don\u2019t remember.<\/p>\n

STEW: No, you put down writer.<\/p>\n

MITCH: Just because I\u2019ve never had anything published doesn\u2019t mean I\u2019m not a\u2026hey, how did you know I put down writer? Does Alison let you look at the forms?<\/p>\n

STEW: Sometimes.<\/p>\n

MITCH: What about the confidentiality agreement?<\/p>\n

STEW: Mitch, I\u2019m your best friend. I know more about you than what you put on a stupid dating service form. (Beat) And if you\u2019re only 160 pounds, I\u2019m Liza Minelli.<\/p>\n

MITCH: I had just gotten over the flu when I filled out that form. And the women she set me up with were all nuts.<\/p>\n

STEW: She screens her clients very well.<\/p>\n

MITCH: Stew, the last one was covered in tattoos.<\/p>\n

STEW: Tattoos are very sexy.<\/p>\n

MITCH: She had over a dozen Elvises on her ass.<\/p>\n

STEW: You got to see her ass? That sounds like a pretty good date to me.<\/p>\n

MITCH: Some of them had real hair for sideburns.<\/p>\n

(Alison bursts through the door. She is worked up. She heads straight for Stew.)<\/p>\n

ALISON: I thought I\u2019d find you here.<\/p>\n

STEW: Honey, I was just on my way home. What\u2019s up?<\/p>\n

ALISON: I\u2019m ovulating.<\/p>\n

STEW: Now?<\/p>\n

ALISON: No, whenever it\u2019s convenient for you, yes now!<\/p>\n

STEW: Okay, take it easy. Let\u2019s go.<\/p>\n

(Alison begins undressing.)<\/p>\n

ALISON: There\u2019s not enough time.<\/p>\n

MITCH: What\u2019s going on here?<\/p>\n

STEW: We\u2019re trying to have a baby.<\/p>\n

ALISON: Less talking, more undressing.
(To Mitch)
Stew\u2019s sperm is a little sluggish.<\/p>\n

STEW: The doctor gave her these hormone pills that make her a little agitated sometimes.<\/p>\n

ALISON: Stewart, I swear to Christ, if we aren\u2019t having sex in the next 38 seconds I will cut off Mr. Tinkle and feed him to the dog. Move!<\/p>\n

(She begins to drag Stew towards the bedroom. Mitch blocks them.)<\/p>\n

MITCH: Wait, I have a date tonight. You guys can\u2019t do this here.<\/p>\n

ALISON: Mitch, once we get started it\u2019s going to take all of seven minutes. Four if Speedy here would take off his pants already!<\/p>\n

(She reaches for Stew\u2019s belt and begins taking off his pants.)<\/p>\n

STEW: We don\u2019t want to mess up his sheets honey.<\/p>\n

ALISON: Fine!<\/p>\n

(She pulls Stew down behind the couch.)<\/p>\n

MITCH: Oh\u2026I\u2026uh\u2026I think\u2026wow\u2026I\u2019m going to check on my dinner.<\/p>\n

(Mitch exits into the kitchen. Stew and Alison are concealed behind the couch.)<\/p>\n

ALISON: You have to tilt it more!<\/p>\n

STEW: I\u2019m tilting it as far as it\u2019ll go.<\/p>\n

(The phone rings. Mitch enters and sees them and exits back into the kitchen.)<\/p>\n

ALISON: Farther!<\/p>\n

STEW: Ow! It doesn\u2019t bend like that.<\/p>\n

(The phone rings.)<\/p>\n

ALISON: Answer the damn phone, Mitch!<\/p>\n

STEW: Honey, getting stressed like this isn\u2019t helping.<\/p>\n

ALISON: PUT A BABY IN ME!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

So I’ve been a little busy lately. And more than a little unfocused. So the sketch I was working on for today didn’t really come together. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to leave you empty handed. I have this play I’ve been working on forever. A comedy, of course. About a poor fellow who […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[32,182,236],"class_list":["post-63","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches","tag-blind-date","tag-sketch-war","tag-writing"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/63","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=63"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/63\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=63"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=63"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=63"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}