{"id":48,"date":"2008-04-18T12:05:00","date_gmt":"2008-04-18T20:05:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wwwold.sketchwar.org\/?p=48"},"modified":"2008-04-18T12:05:00","modified_gmt":"2008-04-18T20:05:00","slug":"fsw-great-outdoors-edition","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/?p=48","title":{"rendered":"FSW: Great Outdoors Edition"},"content":{"rendered":"

Another week come and gone. I would have had this up sooner, but I’ve been hiding under my desk in case another aftershock rolls through here. Earthquakes are only supposed to happen in Third World Countries and California. Not the Midwest.<\/em>
<\/em>
Anyhow, Richard came out, guns a-blazing, with <\/em>a funny party planning idea<\/em><\/a>.<\/em>
<\/em>
No word from Dave yet, but I’m sure he’s brewing up something. Unless he’s busy <\/em>putting up drywall.<\/em><\/a>
<\/em>
And I haven’t heard from <\/em>Red<\/em><\/a> in a week. Maybe the folks at her church didn’t find her sketch last week all that amusing.<\/em>
<\/em>
Here’s my offering<\/span> for the week. Enjoy. And as always, feel free to play along. We’d love to read some more sketches.<\/em><\/p>\n

The Great Outdoors<\/p>\n

(Somewhere in the forest. MAGGIE and HARRY stumble in. They are dressed for hiking, both with backpacks. They look pretty beat-up and disheveled.)<\/p>\n

MAGGIE: (Out of breath) That\u2019s it. I\u2019m done.<\/p>\n

(She sits on a rock and takes off her pack.)<\/p>\n

HARRY: (Also out of breath) No. Come on. We have to keep moving.<\/p>\n

MAGGIE: I can\u2019t take another step.<\/p>\n

(She takes out a canteen and opens it. She up-ends it and a couple of drops fall into her mouth. She throws the canteen over her shoulder.)<\/p>\n

MAGGIE: That was the last of the water. Harry, let\u2019s face it, we\u2019re done for.<\/p>\n

HARRY: We can\u2019t give up. What does Survivorman<\/span> say? 90% of the battle is keeping your spirits up.<\/p>\n

MAGGIE: Fuck Survivorman<\/span> and fuck your happy spirit. We\u2019re going to die out here and our bodies will probably be eaten by wolves.<\/p>\n

HARRY: Honey, we\u2019ve<\/span> only been out here a day.<\/p>\n

MAGGIE: There\u2019s so much I wanted to do with my life. I can\u2019t believe it\u2019s over.<\/p>\n

HARRY: That\u2019s no way to talk. We\u2019re going to get through this.<\/p>\n

MAGGIE: Listen, Harry, there are some things you should know. Some things I need to get off my chest before I die.<\/p>\n

HARRY: Um\u2026okay.<\/p>\n

MAGGIE: I\u2019ve<\/span> had a few affairs.<\/p>\n

HARRY: Oh?<\/p>\n

MAGGIE: All right. All right. I\u2019ve<\/span> had a lot of affairs.<\/p>\n

HARRY: Maggie, why?<\/p>\n

MAGGIE: Because you\u2019re crap in bed, Harry. And because I need lots and lots of sex.<\/p>\n

HARRY: Was it with anyone I know?<\/p>\n

MAGGIE: Pretty much everyone you know.<\/p>\n

HARRY: If the sex is so bad, then why did you marry me?<\/p>\n

MAGGIE: Are you serious? Harry, you\u2019re filthy rich. I haven\u2019t had to work a day in the last seven years. I just went shopping and went to spas and had sex every day. I felt like a goddess.<\/p>\n

HARRY: You only married me for my money?<\/p>\n

MAGGIE: Heavens no. You are also friends with some of the hottest actors in Hollywood.<\/p>\n

HARRY: You slept with George?<\/p>\n

MAGGIE: George, Brad, I slept with all of them. Sometimes two or three at a time.<\/p>\n

(Harry sits down on rock.)<\/p>\n

MAGGIE: Wow. This feels great. I\u2019ve<\/span> been holding all of this in for so long. You should give it a try. Is there anything that you\u2019ve<\/span> kept secret that\u2019s been weighing heavily on your soul?<\/p>\n

HARRY: No. My life is an open book. I share everything with you.<\/p>\n

MAGGIE: Okay, so it\u2019s just me then. It\u2019s a shame too, because this really feels great. Um, what else?<\/p>\n

HARRY: There\u2019s more?<\/p>\n

MAGGIE: Oh! You remember that housekeeper who I thought stole my earrings?<\/p>\n

HARRY: Ruth? Who\u2019d been with my family since I was a boy? Who practically raised me?<\/p>\n

MAGGIE: That\u2019s the one. Well, I didn<\/span>\u2019t fire her. I killed her.<\/p>\n

HARRY: What?!<\/p>\n

MAGGIE: We got into an argument about the jewelry. One thing let to another and I brained her with your humanitarian award. Funny thing was, I found the earrings at Billy\u2019s apartment the next morning. I felt so stupid.<\/p>\n

HARRY: Billy? My brother?<\/p>\n

MAGGIE: And father of your \u201cson\u201d. Are you all right? You don\u2019t look so good.<\/p>\n

HARRY: I\u2026my life\u2026I thought you\u2026<\/p>\n

(Maggie puts her arm around him.)<\/p>\n

MAGGIE: There, there. If it makes you feel any better, I\u2019ve<\/span> never felt closer to you than I do right now.<\/p>\n

HARRY: You\u2019re only saying that because you think you\u2019re about to die.<\/p>\n

MAGGIE: But doesn<\/span>\u2019t it make you feel a little better?<\/p>\n

HARRY: Yes.<\/p>\n

MAGGIE: All right then.<\/p>\n

(There is a rustling in the woods. They both jump up to see what\u2019s coming. EARL stumbles out of the bushes, twirling a toilet paper roll on his finger.)<\/p>\n

EARL: Whoa! Hey, sorry. I didn<\/span>\u2019t realize there was anyone over here. I was just looking for a place to do a little logging. If you know what I mean?<\/p>\n

MAGGIE: Where did you come from?<\/p>\n

EARL: That campsite over there. Listen, I\u2019d love to stay and chat, but natures getting ready to kick down my back door. If you know what I mean?<\/p>\n

(Earl exits.)<\/p>\n

MAGGIE: Did you know where we were this whole time?<\/p>\n

HARRY: Pretty much.<\/p>\n

MAGGIE: But why? I mean, we were just\u2026I thought that\u2026I don\u2019t understand.<\/p>\n

HARRY: I wanted to create a lasting memory for our anniversary.<\/p>\n

MAGGIE: Our wha<\/span>-? Is that this month?<\/p>\n

HARRY: Today.<\/p>\n

MAGGIE: Oh, honey! Happy Anniversary!<\/p>\n

(Maggie goes to hug him, but he stops her.)<\/p>\n

HARRY: You don\u2019t have to pretend anymore. Why don\u2019t you go over to the campsite and get something to eat. I\u2019ll call the helicopter and we\u2019ll go home. Then we\u2019ll discuss what happened here today.<\/p>\n

MAGGIE: Okay. But know that I\u2019d do anything. Anything. To not be divorced from you.<\/p>\n

HARRY: Good to know.<\/p>\n

(Maggie heads off toward the camp. Harry takes a deep breath and look around. After a moment, Earl pops out from behind some bushes.)<\/p>\n

EARL: Listen, I couldn<\/span>\u2019t help but overhear. If you want, me and some buddies can make sure she never leaves these woods.<\/p>\n

HARRY: Thanks for the offer, but I can\u2019t kill her off, she\u2019s my bread and butter.<\/p>\n

EARL: I beg your pardon?<\/p>\n

HARRY: I\u2019ve<\/span> been filming her while she has sex with my friends, then selling the videos online. I\u2019ve<\/span> made more money in the last seven years than I\u2019ve<\/span> ever seen before. No, I\u2019m going to make this marriage work. (Beat) But maybe you can help me.<\/p>\n

EARL: How\u2019s that?<\/p>\n

HARRY: I think a nice outdoor film could be a real big seller.<\/p>\n

EARL: If it\u2019ll help you out, I\u2019d love to bang your wife.<\/p>\n

HARRY: I\u2019d be much obliged.<\/p>\n

(Harry puts his a
\nrm around Earl\u2019s shoulder and they walk off toward the camp.)<\/p>\n

BLACKOUT<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Another week come and gone. I would have had this up sooner, but I’ve been hiding under my desk in case another aftershock rolls through here. Earthquakes are only supposed to happen in Third World Countries and California. Not the Midwest.Anyhow, Richard came out, guns a-blazing, with a funny party planning idea.No word from Dave […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[80,182,206],"class_list":["post-48","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches","tag-funny-ha-ha","tag-sketch-war","tag-the-call-of-nature"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/48","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=48"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/48\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=48"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=48"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=48"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}