(A public library at night. JOYCE is a librarian, bespectacled, primly dressed, her hair in a bun. She is closing up for the night, saying \u201cgoodbye\u201d to the final patrons and locking the door behind them. She turns off the overhead fluorescent lights and heads back to the counter. She stretches, exhausted.)<\/i><\/p>\n
(Suddenly, she leaps up and sits on the counter. She flicks a switch and is awash with radiant spotlights. A raunchy, sexy drum loop begins. She removes her glasses and flings them away with abandon. She reaches behind her head and removes a pin, sensually shaking her long, luxurious hair around her shoulders. She launches into a rap.)<\/i><\/p>\n
JOYCE
You\u2019re waitin\u2019 in the straight lines,
I\u2019m dolin\u2019 out the late fines.
I love a page-turner (so you\u2019ve heard through the grape vines).
You sidle to the counter like you\u2019re readin\u2019 off the book spines.<\/p>\n
Let\u2019s see your card.<\/p>\n
What\u2019s on your mind?
You wanna be my lover?
The only date you\u2019ll get from me is stamped inside the cover.
I got stacks of new releases, so ya better not hover.<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t try so hard.<\/p>\n
Yeah, I\u2019ve seen ya. Lurkin\u2019 in the shelves,
Like a schoolboy giggling at Our Bodies, Ourselves<\/u>.
You\u2019re too overdue, which goes to confirm,
You ain\u2019t quite man enough to handle this bookworm.<\/p>\n
(JOYCE bumps and grinds while MYRTLE, another buttoned-up librarian, enters. MYRTLE flings off her glasses, undoes her hair, unbuttons the top button on her blouse and takes over.)<\/i><\/p>\n
MYRTLE (pointing to the various aisles)<\/i>
History and mystery,
Geography, biography,
Psychology, theology,
Feel like gettin\u2019 knowledge-y?<\/p>\n
JOYCE
Damn!<\/p>\n
MYRTLE
Hell yeah, y\u2019all ain\u2019t gettin\u2019 no apology!
Language is elastic, better check your etymology!<\/p>\n
JOYCE
True dat!<\/p>\n
MYRTLE
Rifle through my card catalog.
Yeah that\u2019s right, I work it old school, analog.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s all right here, systematic and methodical.
The heaviest tome to the lightest periodical.
The infinite down to the infinitesimal.<\/p>\n
JOYCE
You better get acquainted with the Dewey decimal.<\/p>\n
MYRTLE
It\u2019s all about the Melvils.<\/p>\n
JOYCE
Gotta find it where I stack it.<\/p>\n
JOYCE & MYRTLE
If you wanna peek inside my dust jacket.<\/p>\n
MYRTLE
You think you belong in our philosophy section?<\/p>\n
JOYCE
You\u2019re a Norman Vincent Peale in a Chomsky collection.<\/p>\n
MYRTLE
Now you\u2019re layin\u2019 down your learnin\u2019?<\/p>\n
JOYCE
Expectin\u2019 me to squirm?<\/p>\n
JOYCE & MYRTLE
You ain\u2019t got the skills to impress this bookworm.<\/p>\n
(JOYCE and MYRTLE dance ass-to-ass. LOUISE, a third librarian, glides in on a book cart. She leaps off, flings away her glasses, undoes her hair, and tears away her blouse, revealing a glittery bra.)<\/i><\/p>\n
JOYCE & MYRTLE
Research!<\/p>\n
LOUISE
That\u2019s why there\u2019s cards in here!<\/p>\n
JOYCE & MYRTLE
Rare books!<\/p>\n
LOUISE
That\u2019s why there\u2019s guards in here!<\/p>\n
JOYCE & MYRTLE
Old bums!<\/p>\n
LOUISE
That\u2019s why it stinks in here!
Don\u2019t bring no food or drinks in here!<\/p>\n
You gotta lotta nerve, droppin\u2019 off your son and daughter,
Then checkin\u2019 out my ass while they check out Harry Potter.
Hell, look all you want, but try not to pout.
I\u2019m a reference librarian, so you can\u2019t take me out.<\/p>\n
You can access all these books for free
But not my Gray\u2019s Anatomy.
Don\u2019t know a dirty word? Just come to me.
I\u2019ll point you to the OED.
Ya down with OED?<\/p>\n
JOYCE & MYRTLE
Yeah, you know me!<\/p>\n
LOUISE
Ya down with OED?<\/p>\n
JOYCE & MYRTLE
Yeah, you know me!<\/p>\n
LOUISE
Ya down with OED?<\/p>\n
JOYCE & MYRTLE
Yeah, you know me!<\/p>\n
LOUISE
Who\u2019s down with OED?<\/p>\n
JOYCE & MYRTLE
This li-brar-y!<\/p>\n
(Enter FRAN, an older, more dignified librarian. She is disgusted.)<\/i><\/p>\n
FRAN
Hey!
(The music stops cold, and JOYCE, MYRTLE and LOUISE stop dancing.)<\/i>
What the hell is going on in here?
(The other LIBRARIANS look sheepishly to the floor.)<\/i>
You gotta hike up them skirts, lay-deeees!<\/p>\n
(FRAN rolls her skirt up at the waist, revealing her ankles. The other LIBRARIANS cheer, and the music starts up again.)<\/i><\/p>\n
JOYCE, MYRTLE & LOUISE
Awwww, yeah!!!!<\/p>\n
FRAN
All other librarians,
Take our advice
And keep real quiet!<\/p>\n
JOYCE, MYRTLE & LOUISE
Shush it good!<\/p>\n
FRAN
\u2019Cause if you step to us,
There\u2019s gonna be a riot!<\/p>\n
JOYCE, MYRTLE & LOUISE
Shush it real good!<\/p>\n
JOYCE
All you other book-bitches? I don\u2019t mean to slander ya!<\/p>\n
MYRTLE
But we run the tightest since the one at Alexandria!<\/p>\n
LOUISE
But if you insist, and you want a brawl\u2026<\/p>\n
FRAN
We\u2019ll take it fist-to-fist, like Mailer and Vidal!<\/p>\n
ALL
Just keep your head low and agree to our terms.<\/p>\n
FRAN
There\u2019s no way in hell you can beat these bookworms.<\/p>\n
(ALL cross their arms in front of their chests.)<\/i><\/p>\n
ALL
Words.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(A public library at night. JOYCE is a librarian, bespectacled, primly dressed, her hair in a bun. She is closing up for the night, saying \u201cgoodbye\u201d to the final patrons and locking the door behind them. She turns off the overhead fluorescent lights and heads back to the counter. She stretches, exhausted.) (Suddenly, she leaps […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[54],"class_list":["post-41","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches","tag-dave-stinton"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/41","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=41"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/41\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=41"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=41"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=41"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}