{"id":32,"date":"2008-03-21T07:11:00","date_gmt":"2008-03-21T15:11:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wwwold.sketchwar.org\/?p=32"},"modified":"2008-03-21T07:11:00","modified_gmt":"2008-03-21T15:11:00","slug":"friday-sketch-war-holiday-edition","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/?p=32","title":{"rendered":"Friday Sketch War: Holiday Edition"},"content":{"rendered":"

My week off didn’t necessarily inspire any great writing this week. But the blowing snow that I woke up to did. For whatever twisted reason, my brain has had “Deck the Halls” on constant repeat in my head. <\/em>
<\/em>
It looks like Richard took some time away from praying to the Basketball and Porcelain Gods to <\/em>drive to the hoop<\/em><\/a>.<\/em>
<\/em>
And Dave is summing up how we all feel when that <\/em>dark day<\/em><\/a> arrives.<\/em>
<\/em>
As always, feel free to play along. Honestly, we call it a “war”, but we’re really lovers at heart.<\/em>
<\/em>
(AT RISE: Max is slouching in a chair. He holds a glass of whiskey, the almost empty bottle sits on the table in front of him. He downs the rest of his drink and puts the glass down. With a heavy sigh he reaches for a gun. A .38 pistol. He looks at the gun for a moment and then puts the barrel to his temple. He closes his eyes. Will appears behind him.)<\/p>\n

WILL: That\u2019s really going to hurt you know.<\/p>\n

(Max jumps, startled and drops the gun.)<\/p>\n

WILL: Sorry. Didn\u2019t mean to scare you.<\/p>\n

MAX: How did you get in here?<\/p>\n

WILL: You\u2019re pointing a gun to your head about to take your own life and you\u2019re worried about how secure your back door is?<\/p>\n

MAX: Good point. Take whatever you want.<\/p>\n

(Max picks up the gun and points it to his head.)<\/p>\n

WILL: I didn\u2019t come here to rob you.<\/p>\n

MAX: Look, pal-<\/p>\n

WILL: Will.<\/p>\n

MAX: Whatever. This isn\u2019t as easy as it looks okay? So I\u2019d really appreciate it if you\u2019d stop distracting me.<\/p>\n

WILL: Made up your mind? Really going to go through with it?<\/p>\n

MAX: Yes.<\/p>\n

WILL: Huh.<\/p>\n

(Max lowers the gun)<\/p>\n

MAX: What?<\/p>\n

WILL: What?<\/p>\n

MAX: What\u2019s \u201chuh\u201d supposed to mean?<\/p>\n

WILLL: Well, it\u2019s just that you\u2019ve never completed anything you\u2019ve started. Never seen anything through to the end in your whole life. I\u2019m just a little surprised that this is the project you\u2019ve decided to actually finish.<\/p>\n

MAX: Who are<\/em> you?<\/p>\n

WILL: I\u2019m Will.<\/p>\n

MAX: What do you want from me?<\/p>\n

WILL: That\u2019s a really good question, Max.<\/p>\n

MAX: Well, Will?<\/p>\n

WILL: I\u2019m here to show you how you\u2019re life touches other people. To show you what will happen to them if you kill yourself.<\/p>\n

MAX: Isn\u2019t there a movie about this?<\/p>\n

WILL: Yes. That\u2019s where we got the idea. This time of year is full of suicides and a bunch of us were all sitting around watching “It\u2019s a Wonderful Life” when someone said \u201cHey would should just do that.\u201d So here I am.<\/p>\n

(Max puts down the gun)<\/p>\n

MAX: All right. Let\u2019s see it.<\/p>\n

WILL: We\u2019ll start with your wife.<\/p>\n

MAX: Ex<\/em>-wife.<\/p>\n

WILL: Right.<\/p>\n

(A panel shifts to the side to reveal a couple making passionate love.)<\/p>\n

WIFE: Yes! Yes! Yes! Don\u2019t stop! You\u2019re so much better than Max!<\/p>\n

(The panel shifts back into place.)<\/p>\n

WILL: Perhaps we should start with your mother.<\/p>\n

MAX: My mother is dead.<\/p>\n

WILL: Your brother?
(Max shakes his head \u201cno\u201d)
Sister?
(Max shakes his head \u201cno\u201d)
Best friend?
(Beat)
Right, your best friend then.<\/p>\n

(A panel shift to reveal the same couple making passionate love.)<\/p>\n

BEST FRIEND: Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh baby you are so hot! Max was an idiot to ever let you go!<\/p>\n

(The panel shifts back into place.)<\/p>\n

WILL: How about someone you haven\u2019t seen in a while?<\/p>\n

MAX: There\u2019s my Uncle Lou. I haven\u2019t seen him in years.<\/p>\n

(The panel slides back to reveal the couple still going at it. Uncle Lou enters)<\/p>\n

UNCLE LOU: Little Maxie, are you here? It\u2019s your old Uncle\u2026
(He sees them going at it.)
Great day in the morning.
(Beat)
Say son, how\u2019s about you move over a give an old pro a chance?<\/p>\n

BEST FRIEND\/WIFE: Sure, come on in!<\/p>\n

(The panel slides back into place)<\/p>\n

MAX: Are you finished? Or does someone else get to bang my wife?<\/p>\n

WILL: Ex-wife.<\/p>\n

(Max picks up the gun)<\/p>\n

MAX: Excuse me.<\/p>\n

WILL: No, wait. There has to be someone whose life will be altered if you kill yourself.<\/p>\n

MAX: I don\u2019t think I\u2019m going to kill myself anymore.<\/p>\n

WILL: Oh. That\u2019s good. My work is done here.<\/p>\n

(Max crosses over and pulls back the panel where the three of them are going at it. He shoots them all. He pulls the panel back into place.)<\/p>\n

WILL: Oh my.<\/p>\n

MAX: Do angels die if you shoot them?<\/p>\n

WILL: Oh, I\u2019m not an angel, I live next doo-<\/p>\n

(Max shoots Will. Max walks back over to his seat and pours himself another drink and starts singing \u201cDeck the Halls\u201d)<\/p>\n

BLACKOUT<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My week off didn’t necessarily inspire any great writing this week. But the blowing snow that I woke up to did. For whatever twisted reason, my brain has had “Deck the Halls” on constant repeat in my head. It looks like Richard took some time away from praying to the Basketball and Porcelain Gods to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[80,182,232],"class_list":["post-32","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches","tag-funny-ha-ha","tag-sketch-war","tag-wonderful-life"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=32"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=32"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=32"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=32"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}