(A wine SALES REP stands behind a table, impassive, bored. On the table are several different bottles of wine. Enter a young WOMAN carrying a plastic wineglass. The SALES REP slips into sales mode.)<\/i><\/p>\n
SALES REP
Good evening.<\/p>\n
WOMAN
Good evening! What do you have here?<\/p>\n
SALES REP
These are the wines of Chile and Argentina.<\/p>\n
WOMAN
Oh, that sounds lovely. Where should I start?<\/p>\n
SALES REP
I would start with the Carmenere, and work your way down the line.<\/p>\n
WOMAN
All right!<\/p>\n
(She holds out her glass, and the SALES REP pours. Enter young MAN from the opposite side of the stage with a plastic wineglass.)<\/i><\/p>\n
MAN
Hello.<\/p>\n
SALES REP
Good evening. We\u2019re doing Chile and Argentina.<\/p>\n
MAN
Sounds great!<\/p>\n
(The SALES REP pours him a slug too. The MAN and WOMAN sip.)<\/i><\/p>\n
WOMAN
Oh. That\u2019s nice.<\/p>\n
MAN
Yes. Very nice.<\/p>\n
(pause)<\/i><\/p>\n
SALES REP
You should be getting some blackberry.<\/p>\n
(MAN and WOMAN nod)<\/i><\/p>\n
MAN
Definitely.<\/p>\n
(pause)<\/i><\/p>\n
SALES REP
And a hint of mocha.<\/p>\n
WOMAN
Mm-hmm.<\/p>\n
(pause)<\/i><\/p>\n
SALES REP
And a little graphite.<\/p>\n
MAN
Graphite, yes!<\/p>\n
SALES REP
You\u2019re picking up the graphite?<\/p>\n
WOMAN
I could write a letter with this wine!<\/p>\n
MAN (bursting out with laughter)<\/i>
Pah hah hah!<\/p>\n
SALES REP
Very good, miss.<\/p>\n
(MAN and WOMAN sip)<\/i><\/p>\n
MAN
\u201cWrite a letter.\u201d That was good.<\/p>\n
WOMAN
Thank you.<\/p>\n
(MAN and WOMAN sip)<\/i><\/p>\n
MAN
Maybe we could each buy a bottle, and we could write letters to each other with the wine!<\/p>\n
WOMAN
Oh, but I\u2019d rather drink it!<\/p>\n
MAN
Two bottles each then, one for drinking and one for writing letters!<\/p>\n
(MAN and WOMAN laugh. The SALES REP slumps and rolls his eyes.)<\/i><\/p>\n
WOMAN
I think we have a plan!<\/p>\n
SALES REP
Let\u2019s move on to the Malbec.
(The SALES REP pours. The MAN and WOMAN sip.)<\/i>
This is a young wine, but it\u2019s precocious.<\/p>\n
WOMAN
Pert!<\/p>\n
MAN
Yes, \u201cpert\u201d!<\/p>\n
WOMAN
Cheeky!<\/p>\n
MAN
Who does this wine think it is?<\/p>\n
WOMAN
I want to spank this wine!<\/p>\n
MAN
Do I… detect… wood?<\/p>\n
SALES REP
Very perceptive, sir.<\/p>\n
WOMAN (to MAN)<\/i>
Go you!<\/p>\n
SALES REP
Before barreling, the vintner…
(He sighs)<\/i>
…melts down a birch log and adds it to the wine by straining it through a sandalwood colander. So you\u2019re probably getting birch and sandalwood.<\/p>\n
MAN
I was going to say sandalwood!<\/p>\n
SALES REP
You should also be getting a touch of children\u2019s tears, grilled raven\u2019s feathers, and cherry cola.<\/p>\n
WOMAN
Yes! I was like, \u201cWhere is this Cherry Coke coming from?\u201d<\/p>\n
SALES REP
Well, more Cherry Pepsi.<\/p>\n
WOMAN
Cherry Pepsi… Oh, okay. Yes.<\/p>\n
SALES REP
But Mexican Cherry Pepsi. Made with sugar cane, not corn syrup.<\/p>\n
WOMAN
You\u2019re absolutely right. You\u2019re absolutely right.<\/p>\n
SALES REP
On to the Merlot?
(He pours)<\/i>
This one is called \u201cTu Padre es una Mujer Fea.\u201d It means \u201cSultry Sunday Morning.\u201d<\/p>\n
WOMAN
Oooh.<\/p>\n
SALES REP
It\u2019s the winemaker\u2019s favorite time of the week, on his veranda, looking out over the humid hillsides, surrounded by cumulus clouds, wisps of mosquito netting, and millions of tiny, colorful frogs. All of which you can taste here.<\/p>\n
MAN
Frogs?<\/p>\n
SALES REP
Yes sir.<\/p>\n
(The MAN swishes the wine is his mouth thoughtfully)<\/i><\/p>\n
MAN
Kind of a scaly, amphibious minerality? Maybe?<\/p>\n
SALES REP (nodding)<\/i>
Anything else?
(They stare blankly)<\/i>
The sound of helicopters?<\/p>\n
MAN (gasps)<\/i>
Wow.<\/p>\n
WOMAN
That\u2019s astounding. Is there a heliport near the vineyard?<\/p>\n
(SALES REP shakes his head, taps his temple)<\/i><\/p>\n
SALES REP
In his mind. He\u2019s haunted by his childhood rescue from a riot at a pinball tournament.<\/p>\n
WOMAN
I think I can taste pinballs!<\/p>\n
SALES REP
I\u2019ve never noticed that before, but I bet you\u2019re right! On to the Cabernet Sauvignon?
(With ham-fisted mischief)<\/i>
Now be careful with this one. It\u2019s a Cab said to have aphrodisiac properties, so be mindful of who happens to be nearby when you taste it.<\/p>\n
(MAN and WOMAN glance at each other with looks of mock concern. The SALES REP pours. the MAN and WOMAN taste.)<\/i><\/p>\n
WOMAN
Wow.<\/p>\n
MAN
Whew.<\/p>\n
WOMAN
Okay.<\/p>\n
MAN
Yes.<\/p>\n
WOMAN
I could see… I could see how that… Wow.<\/p>\n
(The WOMAN absently unbuttons the top button on her shirt.)<\/i><\/p>\n
MAN
I sense some, ah… I sense some… I\u2019m definitely detecting some wood.<\/p>\n
WOMAN
May I have some more?<\/p>\n
MAN
Yes, let me get in there too.<\/p>\n
(The SALES REP pours. The MAN and WOMAN drain their cups, then stare deep into each other\u2019s eyes, then push all the bottles to the floor, leap over the table, and begin feeling up the SALES REP.)<\/i><\/p>\n
SALES REP
Shell I put you down for a case each then?<\/p>\n
WOMAN (wrapping her leg around the SALES REP)<\/i>
Oh my god, more.<\/p>\n
MAN (kissing the SALES REP\u2019s neck)<\/i>
Two cases.<\/p>\n
SALES REP
And some artisanal pretzel bread?<\/p>\n
WOMAN
Oh god, yes!<\/p>\n
MAN
Give me the biggest motherfucking loaf of artisanal pretzel bread you can fit your fucking arms around!<\/p>\n
SALES REP
Very good.<\/p>\n
(Clothes are flying everywhere as lights come down.)<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(A wine SALES REP stands behind a table, impassive, bored. On the table are several different bottles of wine. Enter a young WOMAN carrying a plastic wineglass. The SALES REP slips into sales mode.) SALES REPGood evening. WOMANGood evening! What do you have here? SALES REPThese are the wines of Chile and Argentina. WOMANOh, that […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[54],"class_list":["post-29","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches","tag-dave-stinton"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=29"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=29"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=29"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=29"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}