{"id":205,"date":"2009-02-04T07:00:00","date_gmt":"2009-02-04T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wwwold.sketchwar.org\/?p=205"},"modified":"2009-02-04T07:00:00","modified_gmt":"2009-02-04T15:00:00","slug":"fsw-advertising-edition-peters-entry","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/?p=205","title":{"rendered":"FSW: Advertising Edition (Peter’s entry)"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

Friday Sketch War
\nAdvertising Edition
\n\u201cThe ServTech Focus Group\u201d<\/b><\/p>\n

FADE IN: <\/p>\n

INT. MEETING ROOM – DAY<\/p>\n

DAVE (30s, sharply dressed) and SAM (20s, nerdy) sit at a big table.<\/p>\n

Behind them sits an easel with a poster covered by a sheet. Dave has a clipboard on the table in front of him.<\/p>\n

Around the rest of the table sit ENGINEERS with name tags, including PHIL, RONALD, and HARPER.<\/p>\n

A video camera next to the exit door records the proceedings.<\/p>\n

Dave addresses the engineers —<\/p>\n

DAVE<\/p>\n

— so I’ll show you a new slogan for Sam’s company, and we’ll talk about how you customers feel about it.<\/p>\n

The engineers murmur agreement.<\/p>\n

DAVE<\/p>\n

Great! So: drumroll…<\/p>\n

He removes the sheet, revealing a slick “ServTech” poster that reads —<\/p>\n

DAVE<\/p>\n

“Solid. Secure. Servers.”<\/p>\n

Dave picks up his clipboard.<\/p>\n

DAVE<\/p>\n

Now, my first question is —<\/p>\n

PHIL<\/p>\n

Wait, Dave.<\/p>\n

DAVE<\/p>\n

Yes, Phil.<\/p>\n

PHIL<\/p>\n

So this is saying that we don’t know how to properly operate a server?<\/p>\n

DAVE<\/p>\n

I’m not sure I —<\/p>\n

PHIL<\/p>\n

I see this, I think, “Oh, sysadmins are too boneheaded to fix a system on their own.”<\/p>\n

HARPER<\/p>\n

As if they’re giving us the easy, safe, kindergarten scissors.<\/p>\n

SAM<\/p>\n

People, ServTech doesn’t think —<\/p>\n

DAVE<\/p>\n

Sam? Great. Keep those opinions coming. Obviously, nobody thinks you’re stupid.<\/p>\n

RONALD<\/p>\n

Oh, so now you’re coddling us?<\/p>\n

HARPER<\/p>\n

Like children in a delicate garden.<\/p>\n

RONALD<\/p>\n

Yeah! That’s what this ‘secure’ crap is about. You think we’re all just a bunch of neurotic whack jobs?<\/p>\n

SAM<\/p>\n

It means the *servers* are —<\/p>\n

DAVE<\/p>\n

Sam. Good, just let it all —<\/p>\n

SAM<\/p>\n

They’re jumping to conclusions that are crazy!<\/p>\n

RONALD<\/p>\n

“Crazy?!”<\/p>\n

General distress.<\/p>\n

RONALD<\/p>\n

This ad is just ServTech’s coded little way of saying sysadmins are crazy.<\/p>\n

HARPER<\/p>\n

Like foxes afflicted with herpes.<\/p>\n

SAM<\/p>\n

People —<\/p>\n

DAVE<\/p>\n

Sam.<\/p>\n

SAM<\/p>\n

Look, if you talked to any other sysadmins, they’d tell you this is unreasonable.<\/p>\n

RONALD<\/p>\n

What’s that supposed to mean?<\/p>\n

PHIL<\/p>\n

Sam is telling us we don’t have any friends.<\/p>\n

RONALD<\/p>\n

Oh, that’s low.<\/p>\n

HARPER<\/p>\n

The slogan really means, “Solid and secure, unlike you pestilential hordes who are fated to die alone, friendless, and in some quantity of your own vomit.”<\/p>\n

SAM<\/p>\n

What?<\/p>\n

PHIL<\/p>\n

This is, without question, the most offensive slogan I have ever! had the misfortune to lay eyes upon.<\/p>\n

RONALD<\/p>\n

I ain’t putting up with this crap.<\/p>\n

Murmured assent.<\/p>\n

The engineers get up and leave.<\/p>\n

The last engineer slams the door behind him.<\/p>\n

DAVE<\/p>\n

That slogan is a no-go.<\/p>\n

SAM<\/p>\n

Yeah. We can’t offend our customers like that.<\/p>\n

DAVE<\/p>\n

We’ll go with the previous slogan?<\/p>\n

SAM<\/p>\n

Yeah.<\/p>\n

Dave removes the “Solid. Secure. Servers.” poster to reveal the ServTech poster under it, which reads —<\/p>\n

DAVE<\/p>\n

“ServTech: because other servers will go down on you, and suck really hard.”<\/p>\n

CANNED AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.<\/p>\n

Sam and Dave react to this noise.<\/p>\n

SAM<\/p>\n

Where the hell did that laughter come from?<\/p>\n

DAVE<\/p>\n

I don’t know —<\/p>\n

Dave draws a gun.<\/p>\n

DAVE<\/p>\n

But I’m gonna find out.<\/p>\n

Sam produces an automatic and a wicked-looking knife.<\/p>\n

SAM<\/p>\n

Let’s go.<\/p>\n

Sam kicks open the door.<\/p>\n

They exit.<\/p>\n

FADE TO BLACK.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Friday Sketch War Advertising Edition \u201cThe ServTech Focus Group\u201d FADE IN: INT. MEETING ROOM – DAY DAVE (30s, sharply dressed) and SAM (20s, nerdy) sit at a big table. Behind them sits an easel with a poster covered by a sheet. Dave has a clipboard on the table in front of him. Around the rest […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[12],"class_list":["post-205","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches","tag-advertising"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/205","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=205"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/205\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=205"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=205"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=205"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}