Here’s my take on the “Starting Over” edition of Sketchwar.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
FADE IN:<\/p>\n
EXT. BEACH – DAY<\/p>\n
CHRISTOPHER (30) plays fetch with his dog on a sunny, idyllic beach.<\/p>\n
A “KBXY NEWS” logo sits in the lower-right corner of the screen (as it does throughout).<\/p>\n
NEWSCASTER (V.O.)<\/p>\n
Meet Christopher Bailey, a man who’s quit the rat race in Manhattan for a shack by the beach in Kawileah. He’s given up on a high-roller salary to pursue his dream...<\/p>\n
INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN<\/p>\n
“TroothBombzBlowinUp” types in a youtube comment: “are you a fuken nazi in naziland”.<\/p>\n
NEWSCASTER (V.O.)<\/p>\n
... being a dick to people on youtube.<\/p>\n
INT. SHACK – DAY<\/p>\n
Christopher types at his laptop in a little shack that looks out on the ocean. Happy. Almost beatific. A man at peace.<\/p>\n
CHRISTOPHER<\/p>\n
“Are you a fucking Nazi in Nazi-land?”<\/p>\n
(contented sigh)<\/p>\n
Yeah. Sending that.<\/p>\n
He clicks the mouse.<\/p>\n
INT. TV STUDIO – DAY<\/p>\n
DEBORAH (30), cheery and attractive, faces on offscreen reporter. A chyron appears: “Deborah Mendell: Girlfriend”.<\/p>\n
DEBORAH<\/p>\n
Chris is amazing. He’s just the happiest guy I know.<\/p>\n
INT. TV STUDIO – DAY<\/p>\n
GARTH (40), a good-natured hippie, faces an offscreen reporter. A chyron appears: “Garth Wilson: Friend, Life Coach”.<\/p>\n
GARTH<\/p>\n
No matter who you are, there’s nothing more important than following your bliss. And I think Chris is a guy who understands that.<\/p>\n
INT. TV STUDIO – DAY<\/p>\n
Back to Deborah.<\/p>\n
DEBORAH<\/p>\n
It’s like he’s got this mission, to piss off every person who uses youtube.<\/p>\n
EXT. BEACH – DAY<\/p>\n
Christopher throws a piece of driftwood for his dog to fetch.<\/p>\n
DEBORAH (V.O.)<\/p>\n
I tell him that’s impossible, but you know what? That only makes him more determined.<\/p>\n
CHRISTOPHER<\/p>\n
This guy posted a video about how to handle the latest changes in Massachusetts estate law. I think I’m gonna tell him I hope he gets colon cancer.<\/p>\n
INT. OFFICE – DAY<\/p>\n
BOB and ANNA (20s) -- intense, grad-student types -- face an off-screen reporter. Chyron: Bob Devotchnik and Anna Hare: Youtube Commenters”.<\/p>\n
Behind them is a whiteboard. At the top: “Fuken or fukn -- which is more offensive?” Below that is a list of bullet points addressing the question.<\/p>\n
BOB<\/p>\n
It’s a common misconception that these comments come from angry teenagers. Really, it’s a labor of love from maybe a hundred people.<\/p>\n
ANNA<\/p>\n
Yeah, I mean: imagine the dumbest person you know. Now think about the average youtube comment -- it’s even dumber, right?<\/p>\n
BOB<\/p>\n
It’s no accident.<\/p>\n
ANNA<\/p>\n
It’s hard work from dedicated craftsmen like Chris.<\/p>\n
INT. SHACK – DAY<\/p>\n
Chris sits at his computer, showing off youtube profiles.<\/p>\n
CHRISTOPHER<\/p>\n
This one is actually an automated system I set up.<\/p>\n
INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN<\/p>\n
The screen shows a profile for “XtremeBlackIdPeezFan”.<\/p>\n
CHRISTOPHER (V.O.)<\/p>\n
It goes to music videos and puts in recommendations for the Black Eyed Peas.<\/p>\n
INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN<\/p>\n
A youtube comment from “XtremeBlackIdPeezFan”: “fuck this shit wwhh you not listen to my humps my humps roooolz shti”<\/p>\n
CHRISTOPHER (V.O.)<\/p>\n
I’ve set up lots of personas.<\/p>\n
INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN<\/p>\n
The screen shows a youtube profile for “UnrepentantBlackguard”. Its profile photo is an old-timey boxing poster.<\/p>\n
CHRISTOPHER (V.O.)<\/p>\n
Reginald Thornbottom is a 19th-century Wessex mill worker.<\/p>\n
INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN<\/p>\n
A youtube comment from “UnrepentantBlackguard”: “were i within striking distance of you, sir, i would heartily give you what-for!”<\/p>\n
A reply comment: “what”<\/p>\n
CHRISTOPHER (V.O.)<\/p>\n
Even if you have no idea what he’s saying, you still know you got burned.<\/p>\n
INT. SHACK – DAY<\/p>\n
Same as before.<\/p>\n
CHRISTOPHER<\/p>\n
And that’s what it’s all about.<\/p>\n
INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN<\/p>\n
A youtube profile for “Yarr!” A pirate.<\/p>\n
CHRISTOPHER (V.O.)<\/p>\n
I’ve tried a pirate, but nobody takes him seriously.<\/p>\n
INT. TV STUDIO – DAY<\/p>\n
GREG (50s, fat, bald) addresses the offscreen interviewer. Chyron: “Greg Rollins: former boss”.<\/p>\n
GREG<\/p>\n
Don’t get me wrong, Chris was a superior hedge-fund manager. But he was clearly under stress, and he never seemed to relate to the rest of the management team.<\/p>\n
INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN<\/p>\n
A youtube video shows Maru the cat trying to fit himself into a box.<\/p>\n
GREG (V.O.)<\/p>\n
Except for that one time we talked about cat videos.<\/p>\n
INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN<\/p>\n
A comment on the video from “InfoWarsFckyeah” reads, “Your cat is stupid.”<\/p>\n
BOB (V.O.)<\/p>\n
Clearly, something was wrong with Chris.<\/p>\n
INT. OFFICE – DAY<\/p>\n
Back to Bob and Anna and the whiteboard.<\/p>\n
BOB<\/p>\n
The stress was getting to him, the lifestyle, something.<\/p>\n
ANNA<\/p>\n
We started seeing comments like this one --<\/p>\n
INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN<\/p>\n
Another comment from “InfoWarsFckyeah”: “u retardc i thers just 1 word 4 u annits”<\/p>\n
ANNA<\/p>\n
“You retard C, I there’s just one word for you an’ it’s...”<\/p>\n
INT. OFFICE – DAY<\/p>\n
Back to Bob and Anna.<\/p>\n
ANNA<\/p>\n
It’s what, Chris? What is it?<\/p>\n
BOB<\/p>\n
The Chris we knew would have never done such shoddy work.<\/p>\n
NEWSCASTER (V.O.)<\/p>\n
What did you do for him?<\/p>\n
BOB<\/p>\n
We talked about an intervention, but Anna mentioned one of the great bitchfukkpanties comments.<\/p>\n
INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN<\/p>\n
A comment from “bitchfukkpanties” reads, “you stupid getyer ass righ fur fuks sak fag”.<\/p>\n
ANNA<\/p>\n
“You stupid get yer ass righ fur fuks sak fag.”<\/p>\n
INT. OFFICE – DAY<\/p>\n
As before.<\/p>\n
BOB<\/p>\n
We’re pretty sure it means, “There are some things a man has to sort out on his own.”<\/p>\n
EXT. BEACH – DAY<\/p>\n
Christopher types away on his laptop, his dog sitting beside him. A passing TOURIST holds a smartphone, glaring at it.<\/p>\n
TOURIST<\/p>\n
Goddamn “Black Eyed Peas fan”....<\/p>\n
CHRISTOPHER<\/p>\n
That right there? That’s what makes it all worthwhile.<\/p>\n
EXT. BEACH PICNIC – DAY<\/p>\n
Christopher, Anna, and Bob have a little picnic on the beach. They pore over a chart with two columns of offensive words. There’s a line drawn between “fag” in the left column and “nazi” in the right.<\/p>\n
NEWSCASTER (V.O.)<\/p>\n
So, want to know what really matters in life? Just ask Christopher Bailey. Address: the beach, Hawaii, USA.<\/p>\n
CHRISTOPHER<\/p>\n
“Fagnazi”. I like the sound of that.<\/p>\n
FADE OUT.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Here’s my take on the “Starting Over” edition of Sketchwar.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1715","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1715","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1715"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1715\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1733,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1715\/revisions\/1733"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1715"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1715"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1715"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}