I couldn’t resist a little Seasonal flavoring – so here’s my offering for 3:34 am:<\/p>\n
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT<\/p>\n
ZACH and his wife MARION, both in their late 30\u2019s \/ early 40\u2019s, are asleep in their bed. The lights are out, the clock radio on the night stand shows 3:34, and the only illumination is a shaft of moonlight through the window. A light snowfall drifts lazily down outside.<\/p>\n
The bedroom door opens a sliver showing a little light from the hallway. Five or six small silhouettes creep inside the door. They move slowly and silently towards the bed. As they get about half way there it becomes obvious they are wearing some sort of high-tech head gear that goes over their eyes. They raise their hands to their eyes, and click an unseen switch. A quiet "whir" is heard, and a green glow comes from lenses over the figures eyes. The head gear is some sort of high-tech night vision. One small figure makes military-type hand gestures to the others, and they flank the bed. They hold position as the lead figure raises a fist in the air, then yanks it down quickly, as if to say "go". In a blur of motion the small figures strap ZACH and MARION to the bed with garland and gag them with oranges. One silhouette flips the light switch on in the room as the others tilt the bed up. ZACH and MARION struggle against their bonds to no avail. All of the small silhouettes are now revealed to be Christmas elves in camo face-paint, and black special forces-style gear (but with curly-toed shoes of course). One elf, PETEY, talks into his headset mic.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
PETEY<\/p>\n
Tree this is Trimming, over.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
TOMMY (V.O. ON MIC)<\/p>\n
This is Tree, go Trimming.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
PETEY<\/p>\n
Tree, nothing is stirring, not even a mouse. Send in Big Red.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
TOMMY (V.O. ON MIC)<\/p>\n
Roger, Trimming. Big Red is inbound.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The door opens again, and SANTA walks in, looking a bit pissed. He walks slowly over to the bed where ZACH and MARION struggle against their bonds.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA<\/p>\n
Soo….Zach and Marion Webster, of 425 Willow Drive. That you?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
ZACH and MARION nod slowly.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA<\/p>\n
And you got three lovely, lovely children…Austin, Dylan and Cailyn?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
ZACH and MARION nod yes again.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA<\/p>\n
WE need to have a little talk. Petey here is going to remove those oranges so we can talk, nice and civilized. We can be grownups here, right?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
ZACH and MARION nod again<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA<\/p>\n
But one shout and my boys will go to town on you.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
PETEY holds up a stuffed Christmas stocking.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA<\/p>\n
Those are filled with broken candy canes. They don\u2019t leave bruises but they mess you up inside. We understand one another?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MARION and ZACH nod yet again, their eyes a lot wider now. SANTA nods to PETEY, and PETEY gestures to the other elves to remove the oranges. ZACH and MARION inhale sharply.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
ZACH<\/p>\n
You\u2019re…I mean you look like…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA<\/p>\n
Santa Claus…Kris Kringle, Saint Nick, Father Christmas whatever you want to call me.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MARION<\/p>\n
But..you\u2019re nice…why would you…<\/p>\n
SANTA<\/p>\n
Bind a torture a nice couple like you?<\/p>\n
ZACH<\/p>\n
Torture?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA<\/p>\n
Maybe…depends.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MARION<\/p>\n
On what?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA<\/p>\n
On how cooperative you plan on being.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
ZACH<\/p>\n
You\u2019re Santa Claus…we\u2019re happy to help you out any way we can.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA<\/p>\n
Oh yeah? Then tell me…Austin, Dylan and Cailyn….naughty or nice?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
ZACH and MARION look at each other. SANTA gestures to PETEY. Several elves move in and whack ZACH with filled Christmas stockings. ZACH winces in pain.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA<\/p>\n
I thought you were gonna be all cooperative with jolly old Saint Nick?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MARION<\/p>\n
We\u2019ll cooperate! We\u2019ll cooperate!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA<\/p>\n
So are they naughty or nice, Marion?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MARION<\/p>\n
I…I…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA<\/p>\n
Naughty or nice??? Answer me!!!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA gestures and the elves whack Marion with the stuffed stockings.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
ZACH<\/p>\n
Stop it! Please!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA<\/p>\n
Answer me!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MARION<\/p>\n
I thought knew these things…you know, "sees you when you\u2019re sleeping, knows when you\u2019re awake"?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA<\/p>\n
Well you thought wrong. Watching Children 24 \/ 7 is immoral. I don\u2019t know what pedophile freak decided to attribute that to me, but if I ever catch the son of a bitch I will personally stuff that mother fucker down his own goddamn chimney.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
ZACH<\/p>\n
Spying on children is wrong but torturing parents is okay?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
PETEY moves to hit ZACH with the sack again but SANTA waves him off. SANTA goes over and grabs ZACH\u2019s face.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA<\/p>\n
Look my friend, there is a war on. I pop down the wrong chimney one night and BOOM! I\u2019m a hostage with a ransom video showing 24\/7 on Al Jazeera. Maybe I some bad naughty-versus-nice intelligence on some kid, so I give him a that robotic Lego thingy he wants. Next thing I know his making improvised explosive devices and dropping them by the side of the road. Nuh uh…I\u2019m not taking any chances – I\u2019m taking matters into my own hands and making DAMN sure I know who\u2019s naughty and nice.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MARION<\/p>\n
You\u2019re Santa…no one wants to hurt you. You\u2019re a symbol of goodness and generosity.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA<\/p>\n
Exactly…I\u2019m a symbol, a very public and well known symbol. People would love to take me down, or catch me being nice to some seriously naughty fucker….ruin my reputation, incarcerate me for aiding and abetting a known naughty. Goddamn liberal press would eat me alive.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
ZACH<\/p>\n
Wow…you are seriously paranoid. You sound like a republican.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve been GOP since Eisenhower, jerkwad.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MARION<\/p>\n
Wait…you really ARE republican?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA<\/p>\n
No shit Mrs. Sherlock. You think I wear red because it\u2019s slimming?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
ZACH<\/p>\n
We didn\u2019t mean any insult…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA<\/p>\n
I\u2019m goddamn proud to be republican. Hell, Nixon was the one that got me keeping lists and checking them twice. I used to fly Christmas Eve recon missions over Cambodia for that administration in the early 70\u2019s. In hindsight, I shouldn\u2019t have given him that audio tape shredder though. The damn Bushes are in-laws – or did think that uncanny resemblance between Barbara Bush and Mrs. Claus was a coincidence?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MARION<\n\/p><\/p>\n
Times are changing…the world is changing.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t remind me. All my wiretap authorizations are being revoked, you can\u2019t get a free pass from the justice department anymore, no matter how much you donate to the GOP. I\u2019ll probably be forced to close my internment camp at the north pole too, and put all the detainees on trial.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
ZACH<\/p>\n
You have an internment camp?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA<\/p>\n
Gitmo North. For the super-naughty.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MARION<\/p>\n
Santa, things are changing all over, fast. People are tired of being paranoid, tired of fear mongering, tired of being at odds with the rest of the planet. We need hope, not renegade gunslingers.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
ZACH<\/p>\n
That\u2019s right. Everyone in the world is struggling with the economy now, and we\u2019re all just trying to find ways to stay afloat. We don\u2019t need a symbol who only gives gifts to the people HE thinks are deserving. We need someone who gives generously and freely to all, regardless of color,creed or politics.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA<\/p>\n
Even the gays?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
ZACH and MARION look at each other for a moment, thinking.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MARION<\/p>\n
That’s still your call really. But be the person you started to be. Be that symbol of kindness and unconditional love. Take a few things on faith, and give the world what it needs most….hope.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA pauses and thinks.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA<\/p>\n
You stole that speech from Barack Obama didn\u2019t you?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
ZACH and MARION shrug as if to say "You caught us"<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA (CONT)<\/p>\n
It\u2019s a good speech though.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA pauses again and thinks more<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA<\/p>\n
Petey, untie them.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
PETEY<\/p>\n
But Santa…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA<\/p>\n
Just do it. And then let\u2019s go – we\u2019ve got a lot more gifts to give out than we planned on.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
PETEY gestures to the other elves, and they remove the garland that ties ZACH and MARION to their bed<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
PETEY<\/p>\n
(into headset mic)<\/p>\n
Tree, this is Trimming. We\u2019re standing down. Roof evac in 3 minutes.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA<\/p>\n
(to ZACH and MARION)<\/p>\n
You two better be right. I\u2019m going to take a few things on faith, and I\u2019ll probably give presents to some questionably naughty people. If anything goes down it\u2019s on your heads.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
ZACH<\/p>\n
You won\u2019t regret it Santa. It\u2019s time to reach out and rejoin the world and get past this \u201cus and them\u201d mentality.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MARION<\/p>\n
Right, and you\u2019ll see we can all come together to rebuild America, liberal and conservative.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA<\/p>\n
Only a liberal would say that.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MARION<\/p>\n
Sorry.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA<\/p>\n
Look….sorry about the tying-up thing. I\u2019ll make sure there\u2019s a new Prius in your driveway tomorrow morning, okay? Elves, we\u2019re pulling out. Petey, take point.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
PETEY and the elves exit through the bedroom door. SANTA gets to the door, stops and turns around.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA<\/p>\n
And…umm, Merry Christmas.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
ZACH<\/p>\n
Merry Christmas to you Santa!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MARION<\/p>\n
And goodwill to all!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA<\/p>\n
God I hate liberals.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SANTA exits. BLACKOUT<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I couldn’t resist a little Seasonal flavoring – so here’s my offering for 3:34 am: INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT ZACH and his wife MARION, both in their late 30\u2019s \/ early 40\u2019s, are asleep in their bed. The lights are out, the clock radio on the night stand shows 3:34, and the only illumination is […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[9,46,76,116,172,216],"class_list":["post-170","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches","tag-334-am","tag-christmas","tag-fsw","tag-ken","tag-santa-claus","tag-torture"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/170","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=170"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/170\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=170"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=170"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=170"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}