Here’s my take on the “Bar” edition of Sketchwar.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
FADE IN:\u00a0 <\/p>\n
INT. BAR – NIGHT<\/p>\n
GRIGOR (30s, Slavic) works behind the counter at a neighborhood bar.<\/p>\n
JEROME (20s) sits among the OTHER PATRONS and nurses a drink.<\/p>\n
JEROME<\/p>\n
Grigor, it’s tough. They ordered more tests. It costs more money. Yet none of them have a clue what might be wrong with me.<\/p>\n
GRIGOR<\/p>\n
I had major digestive trouble as child. I vomited nearly daily until I was eighteen. The doctors, they know nothing to help.<\/p>\n
JEROME<\/p>\n
That is awful.<\/p>\n
GRIGOR<\/p>\n
My teeth nearly rotted out of skull from the stomach acids.<\/p>\n
JEROME<\/p>\n
(a bit uncomfortable)<\/p>\n
Okay.<\/p>\n
Meanwhile, CLAUDE weaves in towards the bar.<\/p>\n
CLAUDE<\/p>\n
I can’t believe it! I can’t fucking believe it!<\/p>\n
JEROME<\/p>\n
Oh dear.<\/p>\n
CLAUDE<\/p>\n
Proof! Proof the bitch has been cheating on me the whole time!<\/p>\n
JEROME<\/p>\n
Sorry to hear that.<\/p>\n
Grigor pours Claude his usual.<\/p>\n
GRIGOR<\/p>\n
I was cheated on once. My wife was with three other lovers. I only learn this when I catch venereal disease that makes me temporarily blind.<\/p>\n
CLAUDE<\/p>\n
Dammit. Women.<\/p>\n
GRIGOR<\/p>\n
For three weeks, I bleed from the eyes, and now I can never make sex to people again. And also my manhood stenches like a fetid corpse.<\/p>\n
JEROME<\/p>\n
Um...<\/p>\n
CLAUDE<\/p>\n
Well. Uh. I guess this shit’s not as bad as that, Grigor.<\/p>\n
GRIGOR<\/p>\n
I wanted to cry, but lachrymal glands gave the shooting pain until I pass out.<\/p>\n
CLAUDE<\/p>\n
Yeah, I got the idea, Grigor --<\/p>\n
Meanwhile, ANNA sidles up to the bar.<\/p>\n
ANNA<\/p>\n
Grigor, I need to get so drunk tonight.<\/p>\n
JEROME<\/p>\n
Oh, they didn’t --<\/p>\n
ANNA<\/p>\n
Yup. They fired me.<\/p>\n
CLAUDE<\/p>\n
Those motherfucking --<\/p>\n
GRIGOR<\/p>\n
I was fired once. I work as spy in my country.<\/p>\n
JEROME<\/p>\n
I’m not absolutely certain this is relevant, Grigor --<\/p>\n
GRIGOR<\/p>\n
Without government protection, the Japanese mafia discover my identity, my where I live, my family. They put out hit on everyone, send assassins with long blades.<\/p>\n
ANNA<\/p>\n
Wow, I never knew --<\/p>\n
GRIGOR<\/p>\n
They capture and torture me. I only escape by doing things no man should ever, ever do, and --<\/p>\n
ANNA<\/p>\n
Okay, forget I said anything.<\/p>\n
PATRONS #4, #5, #6 wander up, talking among themselves.<\/p>\n
PATRON #4<\/p>\n
Yeah, my mother keeps bothering me to --<\/p>\n
GRIGOR<\/p>\n
My parents are dead!<\/p>\n
PATRON #5<\/p>\n
Um. Anyway, my shrink says that --<\/p>\n
GRIGOR<\/p>\n
I am tormented night and day by the disembodied voices of the damned!<\/p>\n
PATRON #6<\/p>\n
That’s nothing -- my dog just pissed all over my --<\/p>\n
GRIGOR<\/p>\n
My dog was abducted by the Yakuza and SENT BACK TO ME IN PIECES!<\/p>\n
Beat.<\/p>\n
GRIGOR<\/p>\n
Every night, I hear your pissy, first-world complainings! You do not know pain until you have --<\/p>\n
He is interrupted by a loud Japanese voice.<\/p>\n
YAKUZA (O.S.)<\/p>\n
Grigor Razovich!<\/p>\n
GRIGOR<\/p>\n
Dammit. Yakuza.<\/p>\n
The bar clears a path between Grigor and the YAKUZA assassin, who pulls out two long blades and strides towards the bar.<\/p>\n
Grigor pulls out a --<\/p>\n
GRIGOR<\/p>\n
Bartender smoke bomb!<\/p>\n
-- which explodes in a cloud of smoke.<\/p>\n
Everyone COUGHS but suddenly, Grigor is nowhere to be seen.<\/p>\n
YAKUZA<\/p>\n
Aw.<\/p>\n
The assassin leaps over the bar; looks around.<\/p>\n
YAKUZA<\/p>\n
This always happens. I am bringing shame to the Japanese mafia. They will probably fire me.<\/p>\n
CLAUDE<\/p>\n
Wow.<\/p>\n
JEROME<\/p>\n
That sounds like a very... reasonable, normal problem.<\/p>\n
ANNA<\/p>\n
Right there with ya, mister.<\/p>\n
PATRON #4<\/p>\n
He should be the new bartender!<\/p>\n
A chat rises up.<\/p>\n
ALL<\/p>\n
One of us! One of us!<\/p>\n
YAKUZA<\/p>\n
Really? I could?<\/p>\n
JEROME<\/p>\n
Just don’t tell us about any disgusting or horrifying problems in your personal life, and we’re good.<\/p>\n
FREEZE FRAME on Jerome and the Yakuza shaking hands.<\/p>\n
FADE OUT.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Peter’s take on the “Bar” edition of Sketchwar: “Tell the Man Your Troubles”.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[254],"class_list":["post-1695","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches","tag-the-bar"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1695","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1695"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1695\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1697,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1695\/revisions\/1697"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1695"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1695"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1695"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}