Here’s Patrick Knisley’s take on the “Courtroom” edition of Sketchwar.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY<\/p>\n
A husband and wife, Eugene and Selma, are watching a courtroom drama on television in their living room. Selma munches on popcorn.<\/p>\n
EUGENE<\/p>\n
How can you watch this garbage Selma? It’s so inaccurate. It’s nothing like a real courtroom or legal proceeding. I should know, I’m a lawyer.<\/p>\n
SELMA<\/p>\n
Shhh! They’re about to start the trial!<\/p>\n
EUGENE<\/p>\n
You know you can’t really do that. Most cases take months or even years to get to trial.<\/p>\n
SELMA<\/p>\n
Will you just let me enjoy my show?<\/p>\n
EUGENE<\/p>\n
Fine, but you’re being miseducated about the American legal system.<\/p>\n
The front door is kicked in and two detectives come barreling in guns drawn.<\/p>\n
DETECTIVE ONE<\/p>\n
Eugene Sandalbox, you’re under arrest for libel and slander of TV Cop and Courtroom Dramas.<\/p>\n
EUGENE<\/p>\n
What? Who are you? Do you have some kind of warrant?<\/p>\n
DETECTIVE TWO<\/p>\n
We don’t need a warrant, we have probable cause.<\/p>\n
EUGENE<\/p>\n
No, you really do. That’s not...<\/p>\n
Detective one pushes Eugene up against a wall.<\/p>\n
DETECTIVE ONE<\/p>\n
What do we have here, a tough guy?<\/p>\n
Selma watches the exchange fascinated, and continues to eat her popcorn.<\/p>\n
DETECTIVE TWO<\/p>\n
Easy Jimmy. We don’t want to damage any of the evidence. Make sure you wear gloves or use a poker stick.<\/p>\n
EUGENE<\/p>\n
What the hell are you guys talking about? What agency are you with?<\/p>\n
DETECTIVE ONE<\/p>\n
Wouldn’t you like to know, jerk-face! We’re taking you to trial!<\/p>\n
EUGENE<\/p>\n
To trial?! Huh?<\/p>\n
INT. COURTROOM – DAY<\/p>\n
A full on jury trial is in session as Eugene looks around baffled.<\/p>\n
EUGENE<\/p>\n
Don’t I get booked or charged or at least get a lawyer or maybe even some pretrial briefing?!? I mean, can’t I file some motions or pleadings here for goodness sake!?<\/p>\n
JUDGE<\/p>\n
Overruled.<\/p>\n
EUGENE<\/p>\n
What?!? That’s not even a...<\/p>\n
JUDGE<\/p>\n
I said overruled, Mr. Sandalbox. Plaintiff’s counsel, you may proceed with your opening statement.<\/p>\n
PLAINTIFF<\/p>\n
The State would like to move for summary judgment.<\/p>\n
EUGENE<\/p>\n
What?!? On what grounds? My god, this is an outrage...<\/p>\n
JUDGE<\/p>\n
Hold on there, Mr. Sandalbox, would you like to move for summary judgment too?<\/p>\n
EUGENE<\/p>\n
Sure, I would. I guess. I mean, what?<\/p>\n
JUDGE<\/p>\n
Okay then, the two summary judgment motions contradict each other. The trial continues.<\/p>\n
EUGENE<\/p>\n
What? How can that be, this is heresy!<\/p>\n
PLAINTIFF<\/p>\n
Objection your honor!<\/p>\n
JUDGE<\/p>\n
Sustained. Please note that that be stricken from the record.<\/p>\n
PLAINTIFF<\/p>\n
I’d like to call a surprise witness.<\/p>\n
EUGENE<\/p>\n
There can be no such thing! ONE MUST DISCLOSE WITNESSES!<\/p>\n
JUDGE<\/p>\n
I’ll allow it.<\/p>\n
PLAINTIFF<\/p>\n
I call to the stand, Eugene’s wife, Selma.<\/p>\n
The full courtroom ooohs and awwws.<\/p>\n
Selma walks to the box and takes the stand.<\/p>\n
PLAINTIFF<\/p>\n
Hello Selma. How would you characterize your husband’s opinions about TV courtroom dramas?<\/p>\n
SELMA<\/p>\n
He doesn’t like them.<\/p>\n
PLAINTIFF<\/p>\n
No! He doesn’t, does he?!? That’s right! He’s a Nazi, a child molestor, a horrible person! He caused Hurricaine Katrina!<\/p>\n
EUGENE<\/p>\n
Those aren’t questions, he’S...<\/p>\n
PLAINTIFF<\/p>\n
Withdrawn!<\/p>\n
EUGENE<\/p>\n
You can’t do that without being punished, I mean...<\/p>\n
JUDGE<\/p>\n
He said withdrawn. You know, I think I’ve heard enough. I’m going to go ahead and rule in favor of the Plaintiff.<\/p>\n
EUGENE<\/p>\n
Why the heck is there a jury here then? Isn’t this a jury trial?<\/p>\n
JUDGE<\/p>\n
I sentence you to...<\/p>\n
EUGENE<\/p>\n
Wait, shouldn’t there be a sentencing hearing?<\/p>\n
JUDGE<\/p>\n
TV PRISON!<\/p>\n
EUGENE<\/p>\n
TV Prison?!<\/p>\n
JUDGE<\/p>\n
Think Oz but worse.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Patrick Knisley’s take on the “Courtroom” edition of Sketchwar: “TV Justice”.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[253],"class_list":["post-1684","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches","tag-the-courtroom"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1684","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1684"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1684\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1687,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1684\/revisions\/1687"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1684"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1684"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1684"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}