{"id":159,"date":"2008-12-05T15:38:00","date_gmt":"2008-12-05T23:38:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wwwold.sketchwar.org\/?p=159"},"modified":"2008-12-05T15:38:00","modified_gmt":"2008-12-05T23:38:00","slug":"fsw-we-three-kings","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/?p=159","title":{"rendered":"FSW: We Three Kings…"},"content":{"rendered":"
The gods of writing have pretty much conspried against me getting anything out before Friday these days. I’m just thankful for that west-coast midnight deadline \ud83d\ude42<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Our newest sketch warrior suggested the theme last week: Learning Something New About History.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
I figured I’d jump the gun and get into the Christmas spirit as well.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Richard<\/a> took us to school about Harry Truman <\/a>– no word from Peter yet. I’ll update when others report in for battle.<\/div>\n
<\/em><\/div>\n
But for now, these three kings of orient are possibly trying to smoke a rubber cigar:<\/div>\n
___________________________________________________________________<\/em><\/div>\n
<\/em><\/div>\n
EXT. DESERT MUD HUT – NIGHT
BALTHASAR, MELCHIOR and CASPAR all stare up into the night sky<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

BALTHASAR<\/u><\/strong>
Oh yeah – that\u2019s definitely an \u201ca-Messiah-is-born\u201d star. No doubt about it.<\/p>\n

MELCHIOR<\/u><\/strong>
It\u2019s so bright.<\/p>\n

CASPAR<\/u><\/strong>
Wow….just…..wow.<\/p>\n

MELCHIOR<\/u><\/strong>
We should probably go inside…we\u2019re probably damaging our eyes staring at it.<\/p>\n

CASPAR<\/u><\/strong>
We should, like, follow that star man.<\/p>\n

BALTHASAR<\/u><\/strong>
Caspar you are such a goddamn hippie.<\/p>\n

CASPAR<\/u><\/strong>
Oh come on man…if there\u2019s a baby messiah under that thing, like the prophecies say, we should go and meet it, introduce ourselves.<\/p>\n

BALTHASAR<\/u><\/strong>
Hmmmmm…3 wise men, meeting a baby with a big future…not bad. Nice…heart-warming.<\/p>\n

MELCHIOR<\/u><\/strong>
We should wait and leave in the morning. Riding a camel in the dark is definitely not wise.<\/p>\n

BALTHASAR<\/u><\/strong>
Think we can get some press to meet us there? Judean Sun Times, maybe The Daily Roman?<\/p>\n

CASPAR<\/u><\/strong>
Balthasar, not everything is about publicity man! Some things are about love…sharing, connecting with people, bringing the world together.<\/p>\n

MELCHIOR<\/u><\/strong>
As long as I don\u2019t have to hug the baby…they\u2019re very germy.<\/p>\n

CASPAR<\/u><\/strong>
We just go, meet the new messiah, maybe give them some new baby gifts…<\/p>\n

MELCHIOR<\/u><\/strong>
Ooo! I\u2019ve got the perfect thing…a vaporizer. It\u2019s so dry in the desert. And dusty! Oy!<\/p>\n

CASPAR<\/u><\/strong>
I saw this really cool gourd rattle that would be good, and I can put together some medicinal herbs for the baby, you know, for like when he gets colicy, or starts teething…write out some instructions for the new mommy. I think that could be helpful.<\/p>\n

BALTHASAR<\/u><\/strong>
Oh….I know. I\u2019m bringing gold. A big bag of gold.<\/p>\n

MELCHIOR and CASPAR pause, and stare at BALTHASAR<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

MELCHIOR<\/u><\/strong>
You bastard.<\/p>\n

CASPAR<\/u><\/strong>
Oh man…you just don\u2019t get it.<\/p>\n

BALTHASAR<\/u><\/strong>
What? They can just buy whatever they need. Or hold on to it, put it in the messiah\u2018s college fund.<\/p>\n

MELCHIOR<\/u><\/strong>
Well, I can\u2019t bring a vaporizer if you\u2019re bringing gold. I\u2019d look like a schmuck.<\/p>\n

CASPAR<\/u><\/strong>
Balthy, Melchior and I are happy your self-help scroll became a such a big seller. But would you please stop flaunting it.<\/p>\n

BALTHASAR<\/u><\/strong>
Did you hear it\u2019s getting released in Egyptian?<\/p>\n

CASPAR<\/u><\/strong>
Do you hear yourself, man? You want to give a bag of gold to a baby, to the king of kings….the son of God. What is he going to do with gold?<\/p>\n

MELCHIOR<\/u><\/strong>
A baby could choke on those coins…and they\u2019re definitely not sanitary. Who knows where they\u2019ve been. Dirty Romans!<\/p>\n

BALTHASAR<\/u><\/strong>
Look, if he\u2019s the song of God, why bring him anything anyway, right? Not like he needs something his Dad can\u2019t give him.<\/p>\n

CASPAR<\/u><\/strong>
That\u2019s not the point man….we give him stuff that says \u201chey, welcome to the mortal plane…thanks for coming, we want to make you more at home so you stay a while\u201d<\/p>\n

MELCHIOR<\/u><\/strong>
Vaporizers make desert air much more breathable.<\/p>\n

CASPAR<\/u><\/strong>
Maybe some personal stuff….stuff From the heart.<\/p>\n

BALTHASAR<\/u><\/strong>
My money is personal. I made it, and I\u2019m very attached to it. Tis is my way of saying \u201cI\u2019ve been fortunate, and I\u2019m happy to give a little back\u201d<\/p>\n

MELCHIOR<\/u><\/strong>
You\u2019re saying \u201cI\u2019m a rich bastard who sucks up to deities\u201d is what you\u2019re saying.<\/p>\n

BALTHASAR<\/u><\/strong>
God gave me the wisdom to write a best-selling self-help scroll. Sue me if I want to give something to his offspring as a thank you for what he gave me.<\/p>\n

MELCHIOR<\/u><\/strong>
God would throw up if he thought he contributed to \u201cHe\u2019s Just Not That Into Jews\u201d. You want to give something? Give him your promise to never write again. There\u2019s a gift he can use!<\/p>\n

BALTHASAR<\/u><\/strong>
You two have been riding my robe-tails for years. Go ahead admit it – you are so jealous that I\u2019m getting rich and famous, and you can\u2019t even get a Roman research grant.<\/p>\n

MELCHIOR<\/u><\/strong>
That is not fair! You know those grants are biased against non-latin speakers.<\/p>\n

CASPAR<\/u><\/strong>
Oh man…you two are bumming me out so bad right now.<\/p>\n

MELCHIOR<\/u><\/strong>
Happy now? You know how sensitive he is. I\u2019m sorry Caspar. I shouldn\u2019t let him get to me.<\/p>\n

CASPAR<\/u><\/strong>
It\u2019s alright Melchie. Balthy, maybe you should reconsider…give them something a little less pretentious, more appropriate for a baby. How about a puppy?<\/p>\n

MELCHIOR<\/u><\/strong>
Or maybe, I don\u2019t know, something you could strap to the side of a donkey that doesn\u2019t say \u201cI have a big exposed bag of gold – please conk me on the head with a rock and steal it.\u201d<\/p>\n

BALTHASAR<\/u><\/strong>
Look, I\u2019ll give what I want to give, and you give whatever you want to…and can afford to give.<\/p>\n

CASPAR and MELCHIOR look at each other, resigned.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

CASPAR<\/u><\/strong>
Hey Melchie, what do you think of frankincense? You know, as a present for the baby messiah?<\/p>\n

MELCHIOR<\/u><\/strong>
Oh good choice Caspar. Very nice.<\/p>\n

BALTHASAR<\/u><\/strong>
What\u2019s that?<\/p>\n

CASPAR<\/u><\/strong>
Oh man…it\u2019s like this really special type of incense. All natural, homeopathic, and a very unique scent. I know, like, rich people really dig it these days, for their huts and throne rooms and stuff, but my friend Raul makes most of it, so I could probably get a bunch for cheap.<\/p>\n

MELCHIOR<\/u><\/strong>
You know, I bet I could get a nice bottle of myrrh from Hiram down at the apothecary. He owes me for tutoring his daughter in Sanskrit.<\/p>\n

CASPAR<\/u><\/strong>
Oh that\u2019s a great idea man!<\/p>\n

BALTHASAR<\/u><\/strong>
Myrrh? I\u2019ve never heard of myrrh.<\/p>\n

CASPAR<\/u><\/strong>
It\u2019s a healing balm.<\/p>\n

MELCHIOR<\/u><\/strong>
Like Neosporin, but for rich-people. It\u2019s got a real nice smell, and everyone thinks it\u2019s exotic because of the name. They did some very nice branding on Myrrh.<\/p>\n

BALTHASAR<\/u><\/strong>
I\u2019ve never heard of frankincense or myrrh. I bet most people haven\u2019t.<\/p>\n

CASPAR<\/u><\/strong>
Probably not.<\/p>\n

MELCHIOR<\/u><\/strong>
Which will make them seem more special, and personal. Not cold, common and ordinary like gold….I mean, anybody can get gold, right?<\/p>\n

BALTHASAR<\/u><\/strong>
Yeah, but everybody KNOWS what gold is. Years from now people will still remember that one wise man gave the messiah baby gold.<\/p>\n

CASPAR<\/u><\/strong>
Yeah, but they\u2019ll talk about the frankincense and the myrrh, since those are like, rare and mysterious…they\u2019ll, like, have to go look those up.<\/p>\n

MELCHIOR<\/u><\/strong>
And at dinner parties they\u2019ll be like \u201cwell, one of them gave gold, but what\u2019s frankincense?\u201d<\/p>\n

CASPAR<\/u><\/strong>
\u201cWhat\u2019s Myrrh?\u201d<\/p>\n

MELCHIOR<\/u><\/strong>
Those will be what everybody talks about.<\/p>\n

CASPAR<\/u><\/strong>
Forever.<\/p>\n

MELCHIOR<\/u><\/strong>
People just can\u2019t resist a little mystery, or talking about exotic things, can they?<\/p>\n

CASPAR<\/u><\/strong>
Nope. Just in their nature.<\/p>\n

BALTHASAR looks in angry disbelief at CASPAR and MELCHIOR. The storms off stage.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

CASPAR<\/u><\/strong>
Hey Balthy, where you going man?<\/p>\n

BALTHASAR<\/strong> (O.S.)<\/em><\/u>
To find a fucking puppy!<\/p>\n

CASPAR<\/u><\/strong>
(to MELCHIOR)<\/span><\/em>
You\u2019re still going with the vaporizer, right?<\/p>\n

MELCHIOR<\/u><\/strong>
Never considered myrrh for a second. You?<\/p>\n

CASPAR<\/u><\/strong>
They\u2019d arrest me on sight for giving frankincense to a baby. But I got a little back in the hut….want to smoke some and stare at the messiah star?<\/p>\n

MELCHIOR<\/u><\/strong>
Why not. My eyes could stand a little more damage.<\/p>\n

MELCHIOR and CASPAR exit<\/em>
<\/span>
FADE TO BLACK.<\/span><\/strong><\/em> <\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The gods of writing have pretty much conspried against me getting anything out before Friday these days. I’m just thankful for that west-coast midnight deadline \ud83d\ude42 Our newest sketch warrior suggested the theme last week: Learning Something New About History. I figured I’d jump the gun and get into the Christmas spirit as well. Richard […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[46,73,76,93,180],"class_list":["post-159","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches","tag-christmas","tag-friday-sketch-war","tag-fsw","tag-history","tag-sketch"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/159","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=159"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/159\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=159"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=159"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=159"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}