\n
MAYBELLE and her guests JO, JOLLY, and AMY sit in the cleanest, classiest, brightest doublewide in town. JOSH GROBAN’S “NOEL” plays in the background. The women are all in their late-30s to late-40s and well turned out. A careful observer might notice they’re all wearing the same RACHEL PALLY SWING TURTLENECK AND SAILOR PANTS. The truly observant might see the matching UGG BOOTS and TOYWATCH CRYSTAL WATCHES. That observer would be very much like these women if she knew the significance of that.<\/p>\n
JO<\/p>\n
These cookies are fantastic, Maybelle.<\/p>\n
MAYBELLE<\/p>\n
Thanks, Jo. I found the recipe in last month’s “O” and just whipped them up in my KitchenAid Artisan Mixer.<\/p>\n
JOLLY<\/p>\n
The cookies are good, but this sorbetto is to die for. Ciao Bella?<\/p>\n
MAYBELLE<\/p>\n
Of course! Is there any other?<\/p>\n
The ladies all laugh. Amy picks up a dog-eared book. It’s a copy of KEN FOLLET’S “THE PILLARS OF THE EARTH”. She flips through it.<\/p>\n
AMY<\/p>\n
Jack’s dreamy.<\/p>\n
The ladies all sigh.<\/p>\n
MAYBELLE<\/p>\n
Oh, oh! It’s time!<\/p>\n
Maybelle picks up a remote and mutes the music. She turns up the TV. OPRAH’S THEME MUSIC plays. Jolly mans a SONY NOTEBOOK. Jo and Amy have pencils, paper, and BLACKBERRIES ready.<\/p>\n
OPRAH (O.S.)<\/p>\n
These are my favorite things…with a twist! Today, we’re going to learn how to have the thriftiest holiday ever!<\/p>\n
MAYBELLE<\/p>\n
Uh-oh…<\/p>\n
OPRAH (O.S.)<\/p>\n
In a time of such economic trouble and uncertainty, I can’t in good conscience give away lavish gifts. Instead I’m going to show you some do-it-yourself gift ideas for the holidays.<\/p>\n
Jo’s cellphone rings. She answers and immediately pulls the phone from her ear. We hear…<\/p>\n
STEFFI (O.S.)<\/p>\n
There’s nothing under my goddamn seat! No gift basket! Nothing here!<\/p>\n
(muted, to someone at her location)<\/p>\n
No! No, I will NOT calm down! I didn’t ride 13 hours on a Greyhound bus for macaroni frames and hugs!<\/p>\n
Sounds of a scuffle, coming through the phone and the TV. Then silence. Maybelle turns off the TV.<\/p>\n
AMY<\/p>\n
“Gratitude boxes?”<\/p>\n
JOLLY<\/p>\n
Great. What am I supposed to wear for the next year? This turtleneck?<\/p>\n
JO<\/p>\n
I love you guys.<\/p>\n
MAYBELLE<\/p>\n
Can it, Jo.<\/p>\n
JO<\/p>\n
No, I mean it. If Oprah thinks we should cut back, maybe we should. I’m still paying off my Dell 30″ Wide-Screen LCD TV.<\/p>\n
JOLLY<\/p>\n
That was from 2004!<\/p>\n
JO<\/p>\n
I know. Ricky had to take an extra shift just to keep us from losing the Taurus.<\/p>\n
AMY<\/p>\n
I hate Scrabble!<\/p>\n
JOLLY<\/p>\n
I don’t understand you guys. Just because Oprah says we should cut back, you’re going to cut back? That makes no sense. I mean, if she told you to buy something useless, would you?<\/p>\n
MAYBELLE<\/p>\n
You watch a lot of shows on that LG HDTV refrigerator at your place?<\/p>\n
JOLLY<\/p>\n
Sometimes!<\/p>\n
JO<\/p>\n
Look, I can’t keep up anymore. I think Oprah’s right. This year, I’m giving out handmade gifts.<\/p>\n
AMY<\/p>\n
Me too.<\/p>\n
MAYBELLE<\/p>\n
So am I. Jolly?<\/p>\n
JOLLY<\/p>\n
Alright. Fine. Let’s put something else on. I don’t feel like talking much right now.<\/p>\n
Maybelle picks up the remote and clicks away. She stops and we hear…<\/p>\n
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)<\/p>\n
Doors open at midnight Thursday with low-low prices throughout the store. Don’t be late for the After Thanksgiving Sales Event at Wal-Mart!<\/p>\n
The women look lustfully at the TV, and then each other.<\/p>\n
MAYBELLE<\/p>\n
I’ll bring the coffee. Amy, bring lawn chairs.<\/p>\n
BLACKOUT:<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Holy crap. I swear, when I thought of Oprah last week, I had visions of sketches writing themselves. So many ideas filled my head: Oprah as a cruel taskmaster; Oprah as an international spy; Oprah giving hitmen assignments with envelopes under their seats. Those ideas? They don’t work. Nothing worked. I was going to do […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[99,144,182],"class_list":["post-155","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches","tag-humor","tag-oprah","tag-sketch-war"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/155","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=155"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/155\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=155"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=155"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=155"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}