{"id":150,"date":"2008-11-21T14:28:00","date_gmt":"2008-11-21T22:28:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wwwold.sketchwar.org\/?p=150"},"modified":"2008-11-21T14:28:00","modified_gmt":"2008-11-21T22:28:00","slug":"fsw-horrible-family-holiday-edition","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/?p=150","title":{"rendered":"FSW: Horrible Family Holiday edition"},"content":{"rendered":"
Happy almost-Thanksgiving everyone!<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span> <\/div>\n
This weeks theme was:<\/span><\/div>\n
horrible family holidays<\/span><\/strong><\/div>\n
<\/span> <\/div>\n
It was graciously provided by <\/span>@tjonsek<\/span><\/a>, who suggested it on Richard’s blog. Speaking of <\/span>Richard<\/span><\/a>, he took us out for a <\/span>lovely Holiday dinner in New York <\/span><\/a>for his salvo.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span> <\/div>\n
I decided to examine the origins of Holiday drama in America. <\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span> <\/div>\n
And…if you’d like to suggest a theme for next week, , leave it in comments here, or on one of the other blogs.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span> <\/div>\n
Meanwhile, in the early 1600’s……<\/span><\/div>\n
___________________________________________________________________<\/span><\/div>\n
INT. RUSTIC PILGRIM LODGE – DAY
We\u2019re inside a cabin in Plymouth in the days of the pilgrims. The furniture is all rough hewn wood, and various herbs are hanging from the ceiling drying. There\u2019s a knock on the front door and MILES enters, dressed in full traditional pilgrim garb.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

MILES<\/u><\/strong>
The pie looks fine. Just scrape the charred part off the top and no one will know the difference.<\/p>\n

MILES answers the door. Two American Indians in traditional garb, MASSOTIHAN and his wife POWANIQUA stand in the doorway carrying a few baskets. The sounds of squealing children can be heard outside behind them.<\/em>
<\/span>
MILES <\/u><\/strong>
Heeeeeyyyy!!! Masso! What\u2019s up, my savage?<\/p>\n

MILES and MASSOTIHAN go through and elaborate macho handshake \\ chest bump \\ grunting ritual<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

MILES<\/strong> (CONT)<\/em><\/u>
Happy Second Thanksgiving Buddy!
(to PRISCILLA offstage)<\/span><\/em>
Hey Babycakes, shake a leg…the Moonwolves are here!<\/p>\n

PRISCILLA<\/strong> (O.S.)<\/em><\/u>
Coming.<\/p>\n

MILES <\/u><\/strong>
Come on in…make yourselves at home.
(shouting out the front door)<\/span><\/em>
Hey Tobias, Dorothy…play nice with the Moonwolf kids, okay? No \u201cChristians and heathens\u201d, okay?<\/p>\n

CHILDREN<\/u><\/strong>
(from off)<\/span><\/em>
Awwwwwww<\/p>\n

MILES<\/u><\/strong>
(closes the door)<\/em> <\/span>
Wow….it\u2019s getting cold out there. Fucking Plymouth huh? Love the foliage, hate the cold.<\/p>\n

MASSOTIHAN <\/u><\/strong>
Try living in a tent in this crap. Why you white guys wanted to have the first Thanksgiving outside last year is a mystery to me.<\/p>\n

MILES <\/u><\/strong>
Hey….we\u2019re European, we never spent any time outside before coming here. We were all hopped up on the \u201cwe escaped religious persecution AND survived our first year in the new world\u201d thing, know what I mean? Any problems getting here?<\/p>\n

POWANIQUA <\/u><\/strong>
We would have been here 30 minutes ago if someone wasn\u2019t absolutely positive it was a left at the burned out oak.<\/p>\n

POWANIQUA shoots a glare at MASSOTIHAN<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

MASSOTIHAN <\/u><\/strong>
I\u2019ve only rode over here once before, and that was in spring.<\/p>\n

MILES <\/u><\/strong>
(to POWANIQUA)<\/span><\/em>
You must be Mrs. Moonwolf. I\u2019m Miles Dogood. It\u2019s nice to finally meet you. Masso talks about you whenever we\u2019re in a hunting party together.<\/p>\n

MILES shakes POWANIQUA\u2019s hand<\/em>
<\/span>
POWANIQUA <\/u><\/strong>
Just call me \u2018Pow\u2019. We\u2019ll be here all day if you always use my full name.<\/p>\n

MILES <\/u><\/strong>
Nice furs…can I take those for you?<\/p>\n

MASSOTIHAN and POWANIQUA take off their fur wraps and hand them to MILES, who takes them offstage. MASSOTIHAN and POWANIQUAN set their parcels of food on the table.<\/span><\/em><\/div>\n

MASSOTIHAN <\/u><\/strong>
I tell ya\u2019, you white guys sure don\u2019t know shit about wilderness living, but you got that the naming thing right. Short first name, long last name, call everyone by their first name – if that\u2019s too long you just call someone by an even shorter version of their name…so much easier than these long-ass indian names. Just role call for tribal council meetings takes 4 hours.<\/p>\n

MILES re-enters and walks over to see what\u2019s on the table.<\/em>
<\/span>
MILES <\/u><\/strong>
Mmmmm…smells good. Corn?<\/p>\n

POWANIQUA <\/u><\/strong>
Maize.<\/p>\n

MILES <\/u><\/strong>
Oh right…sorry….forgot.<\/p>\n

MASSOTIHAN <\/u><\/strong>
There\u2019s maize bread, creamed maize, and maize on the cob. She\u2019s been cooking all week.<\/p>\n

MILES <\/u><\/strong>
That\u2019s very nice of you Pow. You shouldn\u2019t have gone to all that trouble.<\/p>\n

PRISCILLA enters, carrying a mug. She appears to be a little tipsy.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

PRISCILLA <\/u><\/strong>
(to MILES)<\/span><\/em>
I\u2019ve been cooking all week too…don\u2019t remember hearing you say I shouldn\u2019t go to all that trouble.<\/p>\n

MILES <\/u><\/strong>
Hey honey…you remember Massotihan Moonwolf, from the hunting parties?<\/p>\n

PRISCILLA <\/u><\/strong>
Oh yeah…you ride horses with your shirt off, right?<\/p>\n

MASSOTIHAN <\/u><\/strong>
Sometimes, in summer. It can get hot on those hunts.<\/p>\n

PRISCILLA <\/u><\/strong>
Oh I bet it does…you get pretty sweaty too. Do you workout, or are you just naturally muscular?
MASSOTIHAN <\/u><\/strong>
I play a lot of lacrosse.<\/p>\n

PRISCILLA <\/u><\/strong>
So you\u2019re good with a long stick huh?<\/p>\n

MILES <\/u><\/strong>
(ushering PRISCILLA away from MASSOTIHAN)<\/em> <\/span>
And this is his wife Powaniqua – \u2018Pow\u2019 for short.<\/p>\n

PRISCILLA <\/u><\/strong>
Well aren\u2019t you a cute young thing…Pow, WOW! HAHAHA<\/p>\n

MILES <\/u><\/strong>
Let\u2019s have a seat while dinner finishes cooking.<\/p>\n

PRISCILLA <\/u><\/strong>
\u201cPow Wow\u201d…get it? God that\u2019s funny.<\/p>\n

MILES <\/u><\/strong>
(to PRISCILLA)<\/em>
<\/span>I think you\u2019ve had eno
\nugh ale, turtledove.<\/p>\n

MILES tries to take PRISCILLA\u2019s mug away
<\/em>
PRISCILLA <\/u><\/strong>
Just try it.<\/p>\n

MILES backs off and sits down. An uneasy quiet settles over the room. Priscilla makes a few subtle flirty gestures towards MASSOTIHAN, who looks uncomfortable. When MILES sees her she looks indignant, and just sips more ale. POWANIQUA shoots a few looks at MASSOTIHAN who gives her an \u201cit\u2019s not my fault\u201d gesture right back.<\/em>
<\/span>
MASSOTIHAN <\/u><\/strong>
Something smells good. Wild turkey?<\/p>\n

MILES <\/u><\/strong>
Oh yeah….big bastard too. Shot it myself…just me and the old blunderbus, snuck up on that big bird and BLAMMO!!! One roaster.<\/p>\n

PRISCILLA <\/u><\/strong>
(to herself)<\/span><\/em>
Only retarded turkey in Massachusetts.<\/p>\n

MILES <\/u><\/strong>
What\u2019s happening in the Wampanoag camp these days?<\/p>\n

MASSOTIHAN <\/u><\/strong>
My father-in-law is running for chief again.<\/p>\n

POWANIQUA <\/u><\/strong>
It\u2019d be Daddy\u2019s third term.<\/p>\n

MILES <\/u><\/strong>
Nice.<\/p>\n

MASSOTIHAN <\/u><\/strong>
He keeps saying he can get me on the tribal council, but I don\u2019t know if I\u2019m cut out for politics.<\/p>\n

MILES <\/u><\/strong>
I\u2019m with you there….I\u2019m more a man of action myself.<\/p>\n

PRISCILLA <\/u><\/strong>
Action my ass.<\/p>\n

MILES <\/u><\/strong>
The church…that\u2019s where the big money is, if you\u2019re a self starter. Go out, convert people, build a congregation, develop your own zealots. Great franchise opportunities.<\/p>\n

PRISCILLA <\/u><\/strong>
Miles could have been a town elder by now, but SOMEONE didn\u2019t want to burn that witch last May.<\/p>\n

MILES <\/u><\/strong>
They never proved she was a witch.<\/p>\n

PRISCILLA <\/u><\/strong>
They threw her in a river and she floated! Helllloooooo!!!<\/p>\n

MILES <\/u><\/strong>
It was a stream…it was six inches deep!<\/p>\n

PRISCILLA <\/u><\/strong>
Pussy.<\/p>\n

POWANIQUA <\/u><\/strong>
Europeans have really mixed feelings about magic, don\u2019t they? We\u2019ve always been supportive of magic people like our medicine man…<\/p>\n

PRISCILLA <\/u><\/strong>
Just butt of out this, Missy Pow-Now-Brown-Cow, okay?<\/p>\n

POWANIQUA <\/u><\/strong>
I was just saying…<\/p>\n

PRISCILLA <\/u><\/strong>
Zip-it, you skinny buckskin-wearing bitch.<\/p>\n

POWANIQUA <\/u><\/strong>
Well…I never….I…..<\/p>\n

POWANIQUA runs out the front door crying.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

MASSOTIHAN <\/u><\/strong>
Honey, wait….<\/p>\n

MASSOTIHAN runs after her<\/em>
<\/span>
PRISCILLA <\/u><\/strong>
Forget the whiny squaw, Squanto. Mama\u2019s got your spirit quest right here!<\/p>\n

MILES <\/u><\/strong>
Priscilla!<\/p>\n

PRISCILLA <\/u><\/strong>
(running over to the door shouting after MASSOTIHAN)<\/span><\/em>
Once you go white, you never go back!!!<\/p>\n

MILES <\/u><\/strong>
PRISCILLA!!!<\/div>\n

PRISCILLA
<\/u><\/strong>I’ll give you something to be thankful for…lets’ lose that nobility, noble savage!
(clapping hand over her mouth like an indian war whoop)<\/span><\/em>
Whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
MILES
<\/u><\/strong>Priscilla close that door and get over here right now or I will get the god damned village exorcist, I shit you not!!<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
PRISCILLA shuts the door and walks back into the room, and sits.<\/em>
<\/span>
MILES<\/strong> (CONT)<\/em><\/u>
Every time…EVERY time you get a little too much ale in you, you get mean and completely out of control.<\/p>\n

PRISCILLA <\/u><\/strong>
I\u2019m sorry. I don\u2019t know what got into me. It\u2019s just the holidays…I start missing my family, civilized cities, currency, not having bears in the front yard….<\/p>\n

MILES <\/u><\/strong>
I know honey.<\/p>\n

PRISCILLA <\/u><\/strong>
And we haven\u2019t been…fruitful…in so long.<\/p>\n

MILES <\/u><\/strong>
We live in a one bedroom cabin with 2 kids and no doors Priscilla.<\/p>\n

PRISCILLA <\/u><\/strong>
I know. It just gets to me sometimes.<\/p>\n

MILES hugs her.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

MILES <\/u><\/strong>
Look….why don\u2019t you go make some tea, and let the ale wear off a bit, okay? I\u2019ll go find Masso and Pow and make peace, and then we\u2019ll all have a great Thanksgiving dinner, okay? And after, we\u2019ll figure out how soon we can build a second bedroom.<\/p>\n

PRISCILLA <\/u><\/strong>
Alright honey. I\u2019m sorry. Really.<\/p>\n

MILES hugs PRISCILLA again, then she goes off into the kitchen. The front door opens and MASSOTIHAN re-enters, the sounds of screaming kids playing behind him. MILES runs to the door and shouts out.<\/em>
<\/span>
MILES <\/u><\/strong>
(to the kids outside)<\/span><\/em>
HEY!!! KEEP IT DOWN OUT THERE!!! YOU SOUND LIKE A BUNCH OF WILD INDIANS!!!!<\/p>\n

MASSOTIHAN gives MILES a pissed off look<\/em>
<\/span>
MILES <\/u><\/strong>
It\u2019s just an expression.<\/p>\n

MASSOTIHAN <\/u><\/strong>
Sure….no problem. I tell my kids all the time to stop acting like anal-retentive puritans.<\/p>\n

MILES <\/u><\/strong>
Okay…sorry. I\u2019ll never say that again, okay? Truce?<\/p>\n

MASSOTIHAN nods<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

MILES<\/strong> (CONT)<\/em><\/u>
How\u2019s Pow?<\/p>\n

MASSOTIHAN <\/u><\/strong>
She\u2019s pissed but she’ll be fine…she\u2019ll be back, she just needs a few minutes.<\/p>\n

MILES <\/u><\/strong>
Good…Priscilla\u2019s sobering up in the kitchen. Look, I\u2019m sorry about all this.<\/p>\n

MILES closes the door. MILES and MASSOTIHAN sit down exhausted in the room.
<\/em>
MILES <\/u><\/strong>
I thought we\u2019d squeezed all the drama out of this holiday last year, at the first one.<\/p>\n

MASSOTIHAN <\/u><\/strong>
Nope. Trust me – we\u2019ve had feasts for thousands of years. There\u2019s always been drama at these damn things. The elders tell tales of holiday drama passed down from the last ice age.<\/p>\n

MILES <\/u><\/strong>
Does it ever get better?<\/p>\n

MASSOTIHAN <\/u><\/strong>
Nope. People keep trying though. Year after year…\u201dmaybe this year will be different\u201d….\u201dmaybe next year will be different\u201d. But it never will be.<\/p>\n

MILES <\/u><\/strong>
So how do you guys get through these things without going nuts?<\/p>\n

MASSOTIHAN looks around to see if anyone\u2019s looking, then pulls a peace pipe out of his tunic.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

MASSOTIHAN <\/u><\/strong>
Let\u2019s just celebrate the harvest brother….know what I mean?<\/p>\n

MILES <\/u><\/strong>
Harvest?<\/p>\n

MASSOTIHAN <\/u><\/strong>
Hell yeah….had a bumper crop of Cape Cod Wowee, you feel me?<\/p>\n

MILES <\/u><\/strong>
Now you\u2019re talkin\u2019 my red skinned brother. Let\u2019s sneak out back and make some peace.<\/p>\n

MASSOTIHA
\nN and MILES get up, do a fist bump and head out the front door<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

MILES<\/strong> (CONT)<\/em><\/u>
Oh Lord, we thank thee DEEPLY for this bounty we are about to receive….<\/p>\n

FADE OUT.<\/strong><\/em><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Happy almost-Thanksgiving everyone! This weeks theme was: horrible family holidays It was graciously provided by @tjonsek, who suggested it on Richard’s blog. Speaking of Richard, he took us out for a lovely Holiday dinner in New York for his salvo. I decided to examine the origins of Holiday drama in America. And…if you’d like to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[73,76,96,147,180,204],"class_list":["post-150","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches","tag-friday-sketch-war","tag-fsw","tag-horrible-family-holidays","tag-pilgrims","tag-sketch","tag-thanksgiving"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/150","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=150"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/150\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=150"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=150"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=150"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}