\n
The rain is pouring from the leaden sky in buckets on an unseasonably warm Christmas day. NOAH, late 20s, attentively pilots a sturdy SUV through heavy New York traffic. His father GERRY, 50s and balding, rides shotgun offering “helpful” tips. In the back sit MIRIAM, the matriarch of the ROSEN clan, looking older and feebler than her mid-50s warrant, HANNAH, Noah’s college-age sister, and in the middle, BECKY. With her perky nose, blond hair, and blue eyes, Noah’s fiancee looks as out of place as a slice of ham between two pieces of marble rye.<\/p>\n
MIRIAM<\/p>\n
Hop Kee is good. You liked Hop Kee last time, right Gerry?<\/p>\n
GERRY<\/p>\n
That’s the one with the Hot and Sour I like–<\/p>\n
MIRIAM<\/p>\n
–No. That’s Congee. Hop Kee’s the one where the hostess always gives you the extra shrimp roll, like I’m not supposed to know she’s flirting?<\/p>\n
NOAH<\/p>\n
Ma, we’re going to Wo Hop, right?<\/p>\n
MIRIAM<\/p>\n
Yeah, yeah. I was just saying, Hop Kee’s good too. You should ever decide to come back and visit, we could go there, nu? It’s just down the street.<\/p>\n
NOAH<\/p>\n
Ma, we’re visiting right now.<\/p>\n
Miriam pats Becky on the knee.<\/p>\n
MIRIAM<\/p>\n
And we’re so glad the two of you are here. Aren’t we glad, Gerry?<\/p>\n
GERRY<\/p>\n
Yeah, sure.<\/p>\n
(on traffic)<\/p>\n
You want the right lane. It’s clearer. You can get around two, maybe three of these<\/p>\n
(yelling, as though the other drivers can hear)<\/p>\n
slowpokes!<\/p>\n
Noah moves aggressively to the right and accelerates. He is his father’s son.<\/p>\n
BECKY<\/p>\n
Hannah. What are you taking next semester?<\/p>\n
HANNAH<\/p>\n
Sight and Sound Studio and Documentary, the Femme Fatale in the films of Roman Polanski, and Spanish.<\/p>\n
GERRY<\/p>\n
My little baby’s going to be a big filmmaker someday.<\/p>\n
HANNAH<\/p>\n
Dad…<\/p>\n
GERRY<\/p>\n
Going to walk down that red carpet.<\/p>\n
HANNAH<\/p>\n
Dad…<\/p>\n
MIRIAM<\/p>\n
Muriel Goldstein’s boy wanted to be in pictures. But he’s still waiting tables, waiting to be a star. Breaks poor Muriel’s heart. He could have gone to Columbia Medical School, but that wasn’t good enough for him.<\/p>\n
NOAH<\/p>\n
Barry Goldstein failed high school biology. Three times.<\/p>\n
MIRIAM<\/p>\n
I’m just saying–<\/p>\n
HANNAH<\/p>\n
–You’re just saying I’m going to fail, aren’t you ma?<\/p>\n
MIRIAM<\/p>\n
Of course not, dear. I just think you could get a law degree first, and then try with your moviemaking. Is it too much to ask that one of my babies doesn’t go hungry?<\/p>\n
NOAH<\/p>\n
Ma! I’m not going hungry. I’m doing just fine.<\/p>\n
GERRY<\/p>\n
(on traffic)<\/p>\n
You’re taking the Cross Island?<\/p>\n
NOAH<\/p>\n
Yeah, that’s the way I always go.<\/p>\n
GERRY<\/p>\n
Well, that’s a fine way, I guess, but the Van Wyck’s faster. But you’re driving. Don’t mind me.<\/p>\n
(beat)<\/p>\n
The middle lane’s open.<\/p>\n
MIRIAM<\/p>\n
Becky!<\/p>\n
Becky jumps. Her attempt to become invisible failed.<\/p>\n
BECKY<\/p>\n
Yes, ma’am?<\/p>\n
MIRIAM<\/p>\n
Don’t call me ma’am, dear. Just call me Miriam. Or mom. Is it too soon for that?<\/p>\n
BECKY<\/p>\n
No, ma’am. I mean Miriam. I mean…<\/p>\n
GERRY<\/p>\n
You’re spooking the poor girl, Miriam.<\/p>\n
MIRIAM<\/p>\n
What? I just told her to call me ‘mom’. I’m welcoming. Who’s spooking?<\/p>\n
HANNAH<\/p>\n
You are. I don’t even want to call you ‘mom’ most of the time.<\/p>\n
GERRY<\/p>\n
The turn for the Van Wyck is coming up if you change your mind.<\/p>\n
BECKY<\/p>\n
How much longer?<\/p>\n
The buckets of rain have turned to barrelfuls. Gerry, Miriam, and Hannah stand under Gerry’s huge umbrella, trying to stay dry, as they talk to Noah through the window.<\/p>\n
GERRY<\/p>\n
You know where the garage is, right? Two blocks down and one over. You sure you don’t want me to park it?<\/p>\n
NOAH<\/p>\n
No, that’s alright. You three go in and get us a table. Becky and I will be back in a few.<\/p>\n
GERRY<\/p>\n
You want the umbrella, at least?<\/p>\n
NOAH<\/p>\n
Uh, it looks like it’s clearing up.<\/p>\n
Lightning splits the sky.<\/p>\n
Noah rolls up the window and pulls from the curb.<\/p>\n
NOAH<\/p>\n
I figured you could use a few minutes to catch your breath before dinner.<\/p>\n
BECKY<\/p>\n
Thanks. How do you do it?<\/p>\n
NOAH<\/p>\n
What?<\/p>\n
BECKY<\/p>\n
Not be crazy?<\/p>\n
There’s a small crowd at the front desk. Miriam pushes her way to the front.<\/p>\n
MIRIAM<\/p>\n
Excuse me? Excuse me?! Can we get some help, please?<\/p>\n
HOSTESS<\/p>\n
How many?<\/p>\n
MIRIAM<\/p>\n
Excuse me?<\/p>\n
HOSTESS<\/p>\n
How many in your party?<\/p>\n
MIRIAM<\/p>\n
Five.<\/p>\n
HOSTESS<\/p>\n
20 minutes.<\/p>\n
Miriam ponders for a second and then…<\/p>\n
MIRIAM<\/p>\n
Come on. Let’s go to Hop Kee.<\/p>\n
HANNAH<\/p>\n
But Noah and Becky are expecting us to be here.<\/p>\n
MIRIAM<\/p>\n
We talked about both. He’s a smart boy. He’ll figure it out.<\/p>\n
Hop Kee. Noah and Becky are soaked through. Miriam, Gerry, and Hannah sit in front of many plat
\nes of demolished food.<\/p>\n
NOAH<\/p>\n
I thought we were meeting at Wo Hop?<\/p>\n
MIRIAM<\/p>\n
We talked about both, nu?<\/p>\n
BLACKOUT:<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Blogging buddy @tjonsek suggested this week’s theme in comments: horrible family holidays. I didn’t have to reach too deep into my bag of painful, poorly suppressed memories to pull this sketch out. Still rubs me raw. You know of course that comedy often requires painting in broad strokes and exaggerating. Comedy in real life is […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[99,182],"class_list":["post-149","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches","tag-humor","tag-sketch-war"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/149","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=149"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/149\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=149"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=149"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=149"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}