{"id":147,"date":"2008-11-14T17:29:00","date_gmt":"2008-11-15T01:29:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wwwold.sketchwar.org\/?p=147"},"modified":"2008-11-14T17:29:00","modified_gmt":"2008-11-15T01:29:00","slug":"fsw-autumn-edition","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/?p=147","title":{"rendered":"FSW: Autumn Edition"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

Nothing like coming in under the wire! This week got unexpectedly crazy, but neither corporate machinations, travel plans, unexpected improv workouts nor the cranky elderly can keep me from my appointed sketch!!!<\/span><\/p>\n

Richard gave us “Autumn” as our theme for the week – and Autumn years was what jumped to mind. So below is my ode to “raging against the dying of the light”. Richard<\/a><\/strong> gave us a lovely trip through the Autumn foliage<\/strong><\/a>. No word from other combtants yet.<\/span><\/p>\n

Theme duties will probably fall to me…unless you’ve got a theme you’d like to see us try out for next week, leave it in comments here, or on one of the other blogs when their sketches are up (no pressure :).<\/span><\/p>\n

________________________________________________________________<\/em><\/p>\n

INT. RETIREMENT HOME COMMON ROOM – DAY
JESSIE sits in a comfy chair next to her grandfather, WILBUR, well into his 80\u2019s. A walker is also nearby.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

JESSSIE<\/u><\/strong>
(showing WILBUR a photo)<\/em>
<\/span>And this was when we went to that petting zoo out near Sturbridge, Grandpa. Danny just loved those goats.<\/p>\n

WILBUR<\/u><\/strong>
You know, ke looks so much like your dad at that age. He\u2019s 3 now?<\/p>\n

JESSSIE<\/u><\/strong>
Three and a half…and he makes sure everyone knows about the half.<\/p>\n

WILBUR<\/u><\/strong>
He\u2019s adorable. I want to see him more soon, when my hip is better and I…<\/p>\n

2 elderly men and one woman, (ED, LES, and FANNY) all wearing red bandanas, roll by slowly in pimped-out wheelchairs (glow lights, spinners on the wheels, bass-thumping Sinatra songs, etc). Each has a can of Ensure in their wheelchair cupholder, and they sip it from time to time like taking a hit off a forty. They stare at WILBUR and JESSIE as slowly roll by. WILBUR takes notice as Jessie pulls out another photo.<\/em>
<\/span>
JESSSIE<\/u><\/strong>
(pulling out another photo)<\/span><\/em>
Oh…and here he is pulling the goat\u2019s tail.<\/p>\n

WILBUR starts to get up<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

WILBUR<\/u><\/strong>
Listen honey, you need to go….now.<\/p>\n

JESSSIE<\/u><\/strong>
I just got here Grandpa Wilbur.<\/p>\n

WILBUR<\/u><\/strong>
I know, I\u2019m sorry…I\u2019ll look at those pictures another time, but right now you\u2019ve got to go.<\/p>\n

JESSSIE<\/u><\/strong>
Is something wrong Grandpa?<\/p>\n

WILBUR<\/u><\/strong>
Shut up and leave…now…please!!!<\/p>\n

JESSSIE<\/u><\/strong>
Oh…okay. I\u2019ll email you the rest of those photos Grandpa Wilbur.<\/p>\n

WILBUR<\/u><\/strong>
Fine…whatever…<\/p>\n

JESSIE starts to leave through a side door, looking back at WILBUR as she goes. Just as she gets to the door, LES wheels in and blocks her way.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

LES<\/u><\/strong>
Going somewhere, missy??<\/p>\n

LES wheels in slowly herding JESSIE back into the room. JESSIE goes for another aide door, where FANNY pulls in blocking her way.<\/em>
<\/span>
FANNY<\/u><\/strong>
No hurry, child….sit a spell….<\/p>\n

FANNY wheels forward herding Jessie into the middle of the room as well. So JESSIE tries to exit through the upstage door. ED wheels in to block her.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

ED<\/u><\/strong>
Well, well, well….looks like Wilbur has himself a visitor.<\/p>\n

ED herds JESSIE back into the room. LES and FANNY join him, and the three starting wheeling in a circle around JESSIE.<\/em>
<\/span>
WILBUR<\/u><\/strong>
That\u2019s my granddaughter E-Dog. She\u2019s just leaving.<\/p>\n

ED<\/u><\/strong>
Nonsense…pretty little thing like that. I bet she has all kinds of stories to share about your great grandkids. Have a seat my dear.<\/p>\n

JESSSIE<\/u><\/strong>
I think I really should be going.<\/p>\n

ED pulls out an automatic handgun.<\/em>
<\/span>
ED<\/u><\/strong>
Respect your elders bitch, or I will pop a cap in your ass, you feel me?<\/p>\n

JESSIE sees the gun and slowly sits back down in the comfy chair. LES and FANNY laugh, in phlegmy elderly way.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

ED<\/u><\/strong>
There now, isn\u2019t that better.<\/p>\n

WILBUR<\/u><\/strong>
Look E-Dog, I was going to find you right after Jessie left.<\/p>\n

ED<\/u><\/strong>
Here that posse….Wilbur was just gonna come see us. Ain\u2019t that convenient.<\/p>\n

FANNY<\/u><\/strong>
Sounds like he\u2019s fibbing to me E-Dog.<\/p>\n

JESSSIE<\/u><\/strong>
Exuse me, but who are you people.<\/p>\n

LES<\/u><\/strong>
Watch your tone, missy. You don\u2019t know who you\u2019re messing with.<\/p>\n

ED<\/u><\/strong>
We\u2019re the E-Wing Incontinentals.<\/p>\n

FANNY<\/u><\/strong>
The toughest gang in Shady Oaks.<\/p>\n

LES<\/u><\/strong>
Tougher than the Cripples or the Bleeders.<\/p>\n

ED<\/u><\/strong>
We run this place. And your Grandpa here is behind on his tributes to us.<\/p>\n

JESSSIE<\/u><\/strong>
Look if it\u2019s money you want…<\/p>\n

ED<\/u><\/strong>
What we gonna do with money in here, huh? We can\u2019t buy nothin\u2019, cause there ain\u2019t no place to buy nothin\u2019.<\/p>\n

LES<\/u><\/strong>
We need something better than money…something with some real purchasing power, something we can trade inside.<\/p>\n

FANNY<\/u><\/strong>
Butterscotches.<\/p>\n

ED<\/u><\/strong>
Butterscotch is the really currency in hear…you want afghans, slippers, extra pudding, knitted slippers….butterscotch is gold baby.<\/p>\n

LES<\/u><\/strong>
Word<\/p>\n

WILBUR<\/u><\/strong>
Look E-Dog, I was going to get some…my hip is just taking longer to heal than I thought, that\u2019s all.<\/p>\n

ED<\/u><\/strong>
You got a visitor right there Wilbur….you couldn\u2019t phone and have her bring some?<\/p>\n

FANNY<\/u><\/strong>
Like a big bag…Walgreen\u2019s has them on sale.<\/p>\n

LES<\/u><\/strong>
$3.99 for 3.<\/p>\n

ED<\/u><\/strong>
Yeah Wilbur…how come you didn\u2019t ask her to bring some?<\/p>\n

JESSSIE<\/u><\/strong>
He\u2019s diabetic. I would never bring him candy unless it was that sugar free kind.<\/p>\n

LES<\/u><\/strong>
Sugar free tastes like shit.<\/p>\n

FANNY<\/u><\/strong>
Gives me the toots.<\/p>\n

JESSSIE<\/u><\/strong>
Are you seriously waving a gun at people demanding butterscotches? Are you insane.<\/p>\n

LES<\/u><\/strong>
Watch yourself missy!<\/p>\n

FANNY<\/u><\/strong>
Respect your elders, girly girl!<\/p>\n

JESSSIE<\/u><\/strong>
How about earning my respect. You should know better than to point a gun at someone. You pull that on the wrong person and you could get killed.<\/p>\n

ED<\/u><\/strong>
So what. We ain\u2019t got no future in here.<\/p>\n

LES<\/u><\/strong>
Damn straihgt E-dog.<\/p>\n

ED<\/u><\/str\nong>
We got what, 10, 20 years left to live? Live fast…<\/p>\n

FANNY<\/u><\/strong>
As fast as you can without hurting yourself<\/p>\n

ED<\/u><\/strong>
Die young.<\/p>\n

LES<\/u><\/strong>
Younger<\/p>\n

ED<\/u><\/strong>
Leave a beautiful corpse<\/p>\n

FANNY<\/u><\/strong>
Leave A corpse.<\/p>\n

JESSSIE<\/u><\/strong>
Now wait…you three have lived long lives and someone who cares very deeply about you put you here where you\u2019d have the best care possible…<\/p>\n

ED<\/u><\/strong>
Bullshit….the whole world has dissed us. Once you\u2019re our age, you don\u2019t got respect, and you don\u2019t got a future….so you gots to live in the now…<\/p>\n

FANNY<\/u><\/strong>
And in the butterscotch….<\/p>\n

ED<\/u><\/strong>
Cause there may be no tomorrow.<\/p>\n

LES<\/u><\/strong>
Word<\/p>\n

ED draws the gun and points it at JESSIE again.<\/span>
<\/em>
ED<\/u><\/strong>
And with the gun, I get your undivided attention and respect. People say respect your elders, but ain\u2019t nobody respectin\u2019 elders.<\/p>\n

FANNY takes her can of Ensure and dumps a little on the floor<\/span>
<\/em>
FANNY<\/u><\/strong>
For my homey John McCain.<\/p>\n

LES
<\/u><\/strong>For Christ’s sake Fanny, he’s still alive<\/p>\n

ED<\/u><\/strong>
But I\u2019m gettin your respect right now, ain\u2019t I?<\/p>\n

FANNY<\/u><\/strong>
Now get us some butterscotch, bitch!<\/p>\n

LES<\/u><\/strong>
Werther\u2019s….make Her get Werthers.<\/p>\n

ED<\/u><\/strong>
The Incontinentals have spoken young lady-blood…if you want to live I think you best be steppin\u2019 down to Walgreen\u2019s.<\/p>\n

LES<\/u><\/strong>
Word<\/p>\n

JESSSIE<\/u><\/strong>
I\u2019m not doing anything for you – elder or not. You\u2019re just a rude bitter old man.<\/p>\n

ED<\/u><\/strong>
I\u2019m a rude bitter old man with a gun bitch!<\/p>\n

JESSSIE<\/u><\/strong>
Oh yeah? Well how about using it!<\/p>\n

JESSIE gets up and moves behind ED. ED holds the gun up in one hand and tries pushing the wheels with the other as LES and FANNY shout \u201cget her Ed, pop a cap\u201d etc. Using just one hand though, ED just ends up turning left or right and losing his aim….Jessie keeps dodging him, and ED gets more and more frustrated trying to keep up. DERREK, the orderly, walks in.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

DERREK<\/u><\/strong>
Hey! What the hell is going on in here?<\/p>\n

LES<\/u><\/strong>
(forced whisper to FANNY)<\/em>
<\/span>Shit! Five-o!<\/p>\n

DERREK walks right up to ED and takes the gun out of his hands.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

DERREK<\/u><\/strong>
I thought I took that away from you.<\/p>\n

JESSSIE<\/u><\/strong>
That was gutsy…he could have shot you.<\/p>\n

DERREK<\/u><\/strong>
He can\u2019t load any bullets…arthritis. But that doesn\u2019t stop him from stealing this every time we have an ice cream social with the VFW, does it Ed?<\/p>\n

ED<\/u><\/strong>
Call me E-Dog.<\/p>\n

FANNY<\/u><\/strong>
The man…always smacking us down.<\/p>\n

DERREK<\/u><\/strong>
Look…it\u2019s tapicoa night, and Showboat is screening after in the rec room. Why don\u2019t you three get a nap and stop hassling this woman, okay?<\/p>\n

JESSSIE<\/u><\/strong>
Thank you.<\/p>\n

DERREK nods his head and walks out. WILBUR gets up and grabs his walker.
<\/span><\/em>
ED<\/u><\/strong>
(to JESSIE)<\/span><\/em>
He may have taken my piece, but we ain’t lettin you and your grandpa leave \u2018til we get us a butterscotch deal.<\/p>\n

ED, FANNY and LES roll up menacingly on WILBUR and JESSIE. JESSIE pulls the pile of photos out of her purse and throws them at the three geriatric gang bangers.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

JESSSIE<\/u><\/strong>
C\u2019mon Grandpa – let\u2019s get out of here!<\/p>\n

WILBUR starta moving as fast as his walker will allow. ED, FANNY and LES all start looking at the photos.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

FANNY<\/u><\/strong>
Awwwww…look how cute!<\/p>\n

LES<\/u><\/strong>
He sure loves that goat.<\/p>\n

ED<\/u><\/strong>
Oh look…he\u2019s even holding his toy gun properly!<\/p>\n

ED, FANNY and LES look up to see WILBUR and JESSIE leaving. They pause for a moment thinking about pursuit, then go back to the photos.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

ED<\/u><\/strong>
Look at this – he\u2019s got pudding all over his face!<\/p>\n

FANNY<\/u><\/strong>
So cute.<\/p>\n

LES<\/u><\/strong>
Word<\/p>\n

BLACK OUT <\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Nothing like coming in under the wire! This week got unexpectedly crazy, but neither corporate machinations, travel plans, unexpected improv workouts nor the cranky elderly can keep me from my appointed sketch!!! Richard gave us “Autumn” as our theme for the week – and Autumn years was what jumped to mind. So below is my […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[21,37,73,76,83],"class_list":["post-147","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches","tag-autumn","tag-butterscotch","tag-friday-sketch-war","tag-fsw","tag-gang-bangers"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/147","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=147"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/147\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=147"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=147"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=147"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}