{"id":1468,"date":"2009-08-14T23:56:42","date_gmt":"2009-08-15T06:56:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wwwold.sketchwar.org\/?p=1468"},"modified":"2009-08-14T23:56:42","modified_gmt":"2009-08-15T06:56:42","slug":"americas-top-cult","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/?p=1468","title":{"rendered":"America’s Top Cult"},"content":{"rendered":"

Everything is assimilated into the glass teat eventually. Imagine if David Koresh had had a good agent; he’d be hosting Deal or No Deal<\/em> in the daytime. So…<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\n

INT. BOARDROOM – DAY<\/p>\n

Mahogany table, Herman Miller Aerons, tasteful decorations. Around the table are two Armanis a Hugo Boss and a Prada. RON, 30s and blindingly charismatic, sits at the head. All eyes are drawn to him; he has a glow of authority. BRAD, 50s staid and gray, sits at his side. NORA, 30s without a hair out of place, and JILL, 20s, one “Ready!” away from screaming, “Okay!”, round out the participants.<\/p>\n

BRAD<\/p>\n

Next order of business: new sponsors. Jill?<\/p>\n

JILL<\/p>\n

I had a really super meeting with the Proctor & Gamble people.<\/p>\n

NORA<\/p>\n

They’re interested in the toothpaste sponsorship, right?<\/p>\n

JILL<\/p>\n

That’s what I went in for but then they started talking about a whole series of product placements. Soap, laundry detergent, toothpaste, even Pampers.<\/p>\n

BRAD<\/p>\n

What use do we have for diapers?<\/p>\n

JILL<\/p>\n

The P&G guys suggested we could make a lot of money by getting some of our members, uh, working on--<\/p>\n

NORA<\/p>\n

--Lifetime is interested.<\/p>\n

RON<\/p>\n

Lifetime?<\/p>\n

NORA<\/p>\n

They see a lot of cracks in Jon and Kate and think they can challenge it head on. The “Super Nanny” people want to co-produce with us. Everyone’s very excited about “Cult Babies”.<\/p>\n

RON<\/p>\n

How many couples would we need?<\/p>\n

NORA<\/p>\n

Well--<\/p>\n

RON<\/p>\n

--Oh. Alright, how many girls?<\/p>\n

NORA<\/p>\n

We think a ten-girl harem would be perfect. We think we’d also draw some “Big Love” fans and rub some of their cachet on us.<\/p>\n

RON<\/p>\n

Right. Brad, please pick for me. You know what I like.<\/p>\n

BRAD<\/p>\n

Isn’t the point of this to have some babies?<\/p>\n

RON<\/p>\n

Of course.<\/p>\n

BRAD<\/p>\n

I’m not sure ten women who look like Mrs. Garrett are going to accomplish that.<\/p>\n

NORA<\/p>\n

We’ll focus group some girls.<\/p>\n

RON<\/p>\n

Fine.<\/p>\n

(beat)<\/p>\n

Brad, go ahead and find me those others. What’s next?<\/p>\n

NORA<\/p>\n

I had a very productive meeting with the Reebok people this morning.\u00a0 They’re still steamed over Heaven’s Gate.<\/p>\n

BRAD<\/p>\n

Still?<\/p>\n

NORA<\/p>\n

Apparently, they were days away from closing an exclusive and booting Nike out but didn’t finish in time for Hale-Bopp. Jill?<\/p>\n

Jill shuffles some papers and reads...<\/p>\n

JILL<\/p>\n

Sales of Nike Windrunners tripled in the two weeks immediately after the Final Exit and stayed strong through mid-summer.<\/p>\n

NORA<\/p>\n

Reebok doesn’t want to be too late with us.<\/p>\n

Everyone laughs.<\/p>\n

RON<\/p>\n

They’ve got plenty of time. I haven’t even gone in for a castration.<\/p>\n

BRAD<\/p>\n

Good thing, or “Cult Babies” would bomb.<\/p>\n

RON<\/p>\n

What else have we got?<\/p>\n

JILL<\/p>\n

Gatorade and Powerade are in a bidding war.<\/p>\n

BRAD<\/p>\n

Anyone else in the mix?<\/p>\n

JILL<\/p>\n

Snapple’s ad agency made a few inquiries but we didn’t think they were serious.<\/p>\n

BRAD<\/p>\n

That’s it?<\/p>\n

JILL<\/p>\n

Who else did you have in mind?<\/p>\n

The KOOL-AID MAN crashes through a wall.<\/p>\n

KOOL-AID MAN<\/p>\n

Oh yeah!<\/p>\n

Angle on Ron, lost in thought.<\/p>\n

BRAD<\/p>\n

Ron, Ron.<\/p>\n

Angle back on room. No Kool-Aid Man, no damage from his entrance. Ron was daydreaming.<\/p>\n

BRAD (CONT’D)<\/p>\n

It’s just not going to happen, Ron. Their focus is just on kids nowadays.<\/p>\n

NORA<\/p>\n

I’ve got to agree with Brad. They are not getting out of their exclusive with the Catholic Church.<\/p>\n

RON<\/p>\n

Oh well. Anything else?<\/p>\n

BLACKOUT:<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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