Here’s my take on the “Crazy Cults” edition of Sketchwar:<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
INT. MEETING ROOM – DAY<\/p>\n
PAOLO, SUSAN, and other UNDERLINGS in ceremonial robes sit around a long table.<\/p>\n
The LEADER -- a peevish man in his forties with an especially ornate costume -- enters and takes a seat at the head of the table.<\/p>\n
The underlings rise and wave their arms in the air:<\/p>\n
UNDERLINGS<\/p>\n
I give my soul to Hrugu!<\/p>\n
LEADER<\/p>\n
At peace, friends.<\/p>\n
The underlings sit.<\/p>\n
LEADER<\/p>\n
Now, first -- wait, where are my peeled blueberries?<\/p>\n
PAOLO<\/p>\n
Ah -- we didn’t get the requisition form out in time.<\/p>\n
LEADER<\/p>\n
Requisition form?<\/p>\n
SUSAN<\/p>\n
We’re trying to be a more efficient cult.<\/p>\n
The other underlings murmur their agreement with Susan and Paolo -- as they will do throughout.<\/p>\n
LEADER<\/p>\n
Susan, this is not a cult. It’s just a space where all of you are free to selflessly worship me.<\/p>\n
Paolo produces a clipboard and a pile of complicated-looking forms.<\/p>\n
PAOLO<\/p>\n
Does this mean we have to retitle all the “Cult” requisition forms?<\/p>\n
LEADER<\/p>\n
We don’t need forms for --<\/p>\n
PAOLO<\/p>\n
We also have computer databases that are indexed on those “Cult” titles.<\/p>\n
LEADER<\/p>\n
Merely follow the Hrugu Way, and --<\/p>\n
SUSAN<\/p>\n
Maybe we could form a name-change subcommittee and research this whole “what to call ourselves” problem space!<\/p>\n
LEADER<\/p>\n
Friends, remember, Hrugu’s word is law. And if it is not followed, even on as simple a matter as fresh fruit, on Hrugu’s behalf I can kill you all with a mere thought!<\/p>\n
PAOLO<\/p>\n
Ah. Yes.<\/p>\n
Paolo sifts through the papers, pulls out one, clips it to the clipboard, shows it to the leader.<\/p>\n
PAOLO<\/p>\n
About the ‘kill with your brain’ thing -- we have a new insurance waiver for that.<\/p>\n
SUSAN<\/p>\n
You can fill out one of these before any terminations, and things will be so much easier with our insurance carriers.<\/p>\n
LEADER<\/p>\n
This is the sort of insolence that angers Hrugu! He will send the unbelievers to the alligator pit!<\/p>\n
SUSAN<\/p>\n
We don’t quite have the alligator pit prepared.<\/p>\n
LEADER<\/p>\n
What?<\/p>\n
PAOLO<\/p>\n
Technically, construction projects do require a two-thirds majority vote --<\/p>\n
LEADER<\/p>\n
You haven’t made the pit?<\/p>\n
PAOLO<\/p>\n
-- and we were already pushing things by skipping the white-paper specification.<\/p>\n
LEADER<\/p>\n
Fine. Fine. But just remember, only those who follow Hrugu in word and in spirit can ascend in the invisible blimp.<\/p>\n
Susan pulls out some architectural diagrams.<\/p>\n
SUSAN<\/p>\n
Oh, which reminds me, we need line-item approvals for some minor technical changes to the invisible-blimp plans.<\/p>\n
She pushes the papers in the leader’s direction.<\/p>\n
SUSAN<\/p>\n
Could you initial these? Oh, and press down hard enough for both carbons.<\/p>\n
The leader fakes a spasmodic fit, and then speaks in a loud grumbly voice:<\/p>\n
LEADER<\/p>\n
HRUGU IS AMONG YOU!<\/p>\n
SUSAN<\/p>\n
Wow!<\/p>\n
LEADER<\/p>\n
HE DEMANDS HIS WORD BE CARRIED OUT WITHOUT SUBCOMMITTEES OR REQUISITION FORMS!<\/p>\n
SUSAN<\/p>\n
Hrugu -- um, Hrugu?<\/p>\n
LEADER<\/p>\n
YES?<\/p>\n
SUSAN<\/p>\n
I hate to point this out, but you are a new entity joining this meeting, right?<\/p>\n
LEADER<\/p>\n
WHAT? I GUESS SO. WHY?<\/p>\n
PAOLO<\/p>\n
You haven’t been included in today’s quorum, so, technically you can’t participate in today’s discussion.<\/p>\n
LEADER<\/p>\n
QUORUM?<\/p>\n
PAOLO<\/p>\n
I didn’t invent the rules of parliamentary procedure, your godhead.<\/p>\n
Susan produces a “Sign-Up Sheet” decorated with smiley faces.<\/p>\n
SUSAN<\/p>\n
Next time, be sure to use the sign-up sheet!<\/p>\n
The leader sighs and stomps out of the room.<\/p>\n
SUSAN<\/p>\n
Oh dear.<\/p>\n
PAOLO<\/p>\n
Hrugu is coming back, right?<\/p>\n
The underlings give each other confused looks.<\/p>\n
An old, genial narrator speaks over the footage.<\/p>\n
NARRATOR (V.O.)<\/p>\n
But their leader was gone forever.<\/p>\n
SERIES OF PHOTOS:\u00a0<\/p>\n
1) The underlings as farmers.<\/p>\n
2) The underlings as jungle guerrilla fighters.<\/p>\n
3) The underlings as the cast of a morning talk show.<\/p>\n
4) The underlings as a heavy-metal band.<\/p>\n
NARRATOR (V.O.)<\/p>\n
The cult, lacking direction, tried a series of ill-conceived work programs...<\/p>\n
PHOTO: the underlings as bums.<\/p>\n
NARRATOR (V.O.)<\/p>\n
... until they hit rock bottom. Only then did they embrace their true love of bureaucracy...<\/p>\n
SERIES OF PHOTOS:\u00a0<\/p>\n
1) Exterior shot, ‘Humana health care’ building.<\/p>\n
2) Exterior shot, Enron building.<\/p>\n
3) Exterior shot, ABC television.<\/p>\n
NARRATOR (V.O.)<\/p>\n
... and begin taking over major corporations...<\/p>\n
PHOTO: An anonymous office building.<\/p>\n
NARRATOR<\/p>\n
... including... your own!<\/p>\n
INT. OFFICE – DAY<\/p>\n
{Note: this is still a narrated slideshow.}<\/p>\n
A bland, gray office. Paolo, in office attire, brandishes a pile of complicated-looking forms at JASON.<\/p>\n
NARRATOR (V.O.)<\/p>\n
So remember: the next time you have trouble with workplace bureaucracy...<\/p>\n
Jason waves his arms in the air, shouting something.<\/p>\n
NARRATOR (V.O.)<\/p>\n
... just say, “I give my soul to Hrugu!”<\/p>\n
Ding! Paolo now wears ceremonial robes and gives Jason a thumbs up.<\/p>\n
NARRATOR (V.O.)<\/p>\n
They’ll accept you as one of their own!<\/p>\n
EXT. FIELD – DAY<\/p>\n
An empty field. Paolo points at something invisible. Jason looks confused.<\/p>\n
NARRATOR (V.O.)<\/p>\n
... show you their invisible blimp...<\/p>\n
INT. BLIMP CONTROL ROOM – DAY<\/p>\n
{Note: this is still a narrated slideshow.}<\/p>\n
A small room with blinkenlights; a helpful sign reads “Blimp Control Room”.<\/p>\n
Paolo feeds Jason peeled blueberries.<\/p>\n
NARRATOR (V.O.)<\/p>\n
... feed you peeled blueberries...<\/p>\n
Suddenly, two bulky gentlemen in robes grab hold of Jason.<\/p>\n
NARRATOR (V.O.)<\/p>\n
... and then drag you away to their vicious alligator pit. Because that’s what they do with outsiders who know their secrets.<\/p>\n
Jason angrily flips off the camera.<\/p>\n
NARRATOR (V.O.)<\/p>\n
Don’t blame me -- I’m just the announcer.<\/p>\n
They drag Jason offscreen, and Paolo follows, leaving the control room empty.<\/p>\n
Chuck Mangione’s “Feels So Good” FADES IN.<\/p>\n
NARRATOR (V.O.)<\/p>\n
Now, where were we? Ah yes. Hello, whiskey.<\/p>\n
CLINK. A glass FILLS.<\/p>\n
The screen begins a SLOW FADE.<\/p>\n
In the last few photos, Paolo re-enters, now splashed with blood and filling out a form on his clipboard.<\/p>\n
NARRATOR (V.O.)<\/p>\n
Let’s introduce you to my belly.<\/p>\n
(glug)<\/p>\n
Ah.<\/p>\n
FADE OUT.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Peter’s take on the “Crazy Cults” edition of Sketchwar: “Cultocracy”.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[53],"class_list":["post-1462","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches","tag-cults"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1462","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1462"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1462\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1462"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1462"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1462"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}