Avast ye! — here’s my take on the “Pirates” edition of Sketchwar.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
FADE IN:\u00a0<\/p>\n
EXT. FEATURELESS CLEARING – DAY<\/p>\n
GEORGE (40s, neatly conservative) emerges from the white mist surrounding a featureless white clearing.<\/p>\n
He sees a PIRATE with a hook and a scroll waiting for him.<\/p>\n
The faint sounds of a SHIP can be heard nearby.<\/p>\n
GEORGE<\/p>\n
What -- I -- there were screeching tires, and then --<\/p>\n
PIRATE<\/p>\n
Avast! Welcome to the Port’o’Judgment, weary traveler.<\/p>\n
GEORGE<\/p>\n
Porta-wha?<\/p>\n
PIRATE<\/p>\n
What ye may call the “Pearrrly Gates”.<\/p>\n
GEORGE<\/p>\n
Gates? But I didn’t -- I’m not --<\/p>\n
The pirate patiently unfurls his scroll.<\/p>\n
PIRATE<\/p>\n
Scuttled. Sunk to the depth’o’Davy Jones. Dead as a bungcork.<\/p>\n
He reads from the scroll:<\/p>\n
PIRATE<\/p>\n
“How much seafarin’ have ye done? (A) born on the waves and there I stayed; (B) sometimes tasted the glory of a seabound voyage; (C) landlubber.”<\/p>\n
GEORGE<\/p>\n
Um -- C --<\/p>\n
The pirate winces.<\/p>\n
PIRATE<\/p>\n
C, ach. “Complete the following shanty:<\/p>\n
(singing)<\/p>\n
Oh, a pirate ship is a very fine ship, and she rides the finest waves --”<\/p>\n
GEORGE<\/p>\n
Why are you asking pirate questions?<\/p>\n
PIRATE<\/p>\n
’tis the way of things. You’ve ended your life, and now your soul is to be judged.<\/p>\n
GEORGE<\/p>\n
I’ve lived a good life. I’ve lived according to the teachings of Jesus Christ.<\/p>\n
PIRATE<\/p>\n
“Christ?”<\/p>\n
He thinks a moment.<\/p>\n
PIRATE<\/p>\n
Ah, you mean “Bearded Josh, the Scourge of the Levantine Seas!”<\/p>\n
GEORGE<\/p>\n
Jesus Christ was a pirate?<\/p>\n
PIRATE<\/p>\n
Why do the books always<\/i> leave that bit out? “The Book of Numbers,” “The Book of Revelations,” never “The Book of Salty Tales of Pirate Jesus!”<\/p>\n
GEORGE<\/p>\n
Christ was a pirate?<\/p>\n
PIRATE<\/p>\n
For his whole adult life! You think he just disappeared for twenty years?<\/p>\n
GEORGE<\/p>\n
Wait, I’m being judged on being a pirate?<\/p>\n
PIRATE<\/p>\n
Them that go to the Great Ship in the Sky are the ones who truly lived in the first place. And the livin’ that’s not on a pirate ship, ’tis no livin’ at all. Arr!<\/p>\n
Unseen pirates in the distance answer back:<\/p>\n
DISTANT PIRATES<\/p>\n
Arr!<\/p>\n
GEORGE<\/p>\n
(lamely)<\/p>\n
Um. Arr.<\/p>\n
PIRATE<\/p>\n
Stop.<\/p>\n
GEORGE<\/p>\n
Matey?<\/p>\n
PIRATE<\/p>\n
Just stop.<\/p>\n
GEORGE<\/p>\n
But this makes no sense! Pirates are thieves! They’re evil!<\/p>\n
PIRATE<\/p>\n
Evil?! Pirates fought off the Great Zombie Plague of 1983!<\/p>\n
GEORGE<\/p>\n
What plague?<\/p>\n
PIRATE<\/p>\n
Exactly! And then there was Captain Blackhammer’s space corsair that averted asteroid U291 and saved all mankind!<\/p>\n
GEORGE<\/p>\n
That has to be made up.<\/p>\n
PIRATE<\/p>\n
I should cut out your traitor tongue that speaks so of the Armed Peril of the Mare Tranquilis! I --<\/p>\n
The pirate notices something offscreen.<\/p>\n
PIRATE<\/p>\n
Parrot ho!<\/p>\n
A parrot carrying a slip of paper flies in and lands on the pirate’s shoulder.<\/p>\n
The pirate takes the paper and reads it.<\/p>\n
PIRATE<\/p>\n
Well, grapple the gunwales and call me a octopus!<\/p>\n
GEORGE<\/p>\n
Grapple your what?<\/p>\n
PIRATE<\/p>\n
You’re being resuscitated!<\/p>\n
GEORGE<\/p>\n
Resuscita--?<\/p>\n
PIRATE<\/p>\n
Called back from the plank, and ye live to pillage another day!<\/p>\n
GEORGE<\/p>\n
I -- I’m alive!<\/p>\n
PIRATE<\/p>\n
And it’s a chance to mend your landlubbin’ ways!<\/p>\n
GEORGE<\/p>\n
To become a pirate?<\/p>\n
PIRATE<\/p>\n
It also says you’re losin’ a hand. So --<\/p>\n
He gestures significantly at his hook.<\/p>\n
PIRATE<\/p>\n
Just sayin’: think it over.<\/p>\n
An unseen force begins dragging George back into the mist.<\/p>\n
PIRATE<\/p>\n
May a fair wind blow at yer back, and a keen edge grace yer cutlass!<\/p>\n
GEORGE<\/p>\n
I don’t even know what that means!<\/p>\n
George disappears into the mist.<\/p>\n
PIRATE<\/p>\n
Arr. He be doomed.<\/p>\n
Meanwhile, distant pirates begin singing:<\/p>\n
DISTANT PIRATES (O.S.)<\/p>\n
Oh, a pirate ship is a very fine ship, and she rides the finest waves!<\/p>\n
The pirate brightens up, and sings along as he exits into the mist:<\/p>\n
PIRATE<\/p>\n
And she lays her anchor on a distant shore by the golden moonlit caves!<\/p>\n
FADE TO BLACK.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Peter’s take on the “Pirates” edition of Sketchwar: “The Great Ship in the Sky”.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[149],"class_list":["post-1322","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches","tag-pirates"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1322","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1322"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1322\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1322"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1322"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1322"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}