Arrgh! Almost didn’t make it this week. But then I realized, like R.A., I haven’t missed a week since I started. Tryin’ to keep the streak alive.<\/p>\n
Got this idea walking down the Vegas strip this weekend. It’s completely stupid and random. But I figured, why not?<\/p>\n
EXT. LAS VEGAS STRIP – LATE EVENING<\/p>\n
Over a dozen PIRATES, dressed in traditional pirate attire (puffy shirts, pirate hats, buckle shoes, eye patches, etc), stand on the curb handing out cards plastered with naked women to passers by. Over their attire, they wear orange vests emblazoned with “Wenches Direct, 1-800-YE-BOOTY.”<\/p>\n
As a YOUNG MAN passes, BLACKBEARD and ONE-EYED JACK slap their cards Las Vegas peddler style and hold the cards out to him. The man holds his hand up in refusal and walks by.<\/p>\n
BLACKBEARD<\/p>\n
Tis be so frustratin’, matey.<\/p>\n
JACK<\/p>\n
Arrr. Tell me ’bout it.<\/p>\n
BLACKBEARD<\/p>\n
Thar be no real work fer pirates anymore.<\/p>\n
JACK<\/p>\n
It be slim pickens, aye.<\/p>\n
BLACKBEARD<\/p>\n
Did ye hear that Peg Leg Jones be workin’ at Mt. Olympus, now.<\/p>\n
JACK<\/p>\n
Doin’ what, praytell?<\/p>\n
BLACKBEARD<\/p>\n
He be the headliner. Singin’ shanties and takin’ off his knickers fer the wenches. Not livin’ the life but tis makin’ good booty.<\/p>\n
JACK<\/p>\n
Tis no surprise. TI offered me work just the othar day.<\/p>\n
BLACKBEARD<\/p>\n
Fer what?<\/p>\n
JACK<\/p>\n
Dancin’ ’round with those bastarrrds performin’ in thar damned stage show.<\/p>\n
BLACKBEARD<\/p>\n
(shakes his head in disbelief)<\/p>\n
Bloody degradin’. What did ye tell ’em?<\/p>\n
JACK<\/p>\n
Told ’em, tis a pirate. I spill the finest blood and sail the seven seas. I do not jig ’bout like a monkey with a fire up its arse.<\/p>\n
BLACKBEARD<\/p>\n
And?<\/p>\n
JACK<\/p>\n
They ogled me like I had a parrot growin’ out of me shoulder. So I stabbed ’em with me scimitarrr.<\/p>\n
BLACKBEARD<\/p>\n
They deserved it. Have no respect fer tradition in this town.<\/p>\n
BOTH<\/p>\n
Arrr.<\/p>\n
An ELDERLY MAN, equipped with a walker and an oxygen tank, toddles by at a snail’s pace. Blackbeard and Jack slap their cards and hold the cards out to him. Man lets out a violent cough and keeps on walking.<\/p>\n
JACK<\/p>\n
What ’bout ye? Any leads?<\/p>\n
BLACKBEARD<\/p>\n
Tis tough. Ever since the crackdown on Somali pirates, they be more vigilant ’bout watchin’ fer the jolly roger.<\/p>\n
JACK<\/p>\n
I know. I’ve not been able to loot like I used tah. They take one look at me and batten down the hatches. Do I look like a pirate to ye? It not be that obvious, tis it?<\/p>\n
Jack presents himself, in his full pirate gear, to Blackbeard. He spins around slowly.<\/p>\n
BLACKBEARD<\/p>\n
Eh... ye be havin’ a bit o’ the pirate look.<\/p>\n
JACK<\/p>\n
What tis it? Me eye patch? Me peg leg? Me bottle o’ rum?<\/p>\n
BLACKBEARD<\/p>\n
Nah. Just saw a bloke with an eye patch and peg leg, drinkin’ a 32-ounce bottle o’ rum in front of the Harrrah’s the other day. Tis not that. Must be the shoe. Buckles just scream buccaneer.<\/p>\n
A five-year old GIRL passes by with her MOM. Blackbeard and Jack slap their cards and hold the cards out to her. Girl stops to grab one. Mom yanks the girl away and scolds her.<\/p>\n
JACK<\/p>\n
Why we be slappin’ the cards, anyway?<\/p>\n
BLACKBEARD<\/p>\n
To get thar attention, I s’pose.<\/p>\n
JACK<\/p>\n
Why don’t we just cry out, “wenches” or somethin’ o’ the like?<\/p>\n
BLACKBEARD<\/p>\n
I believe that be ‘gainst the lawr, matey.<\/p>\n
JACK<\/p>\n
Could we not just stab ’em with our scimitars?<\/p>\n
BLACKBEAR<\/p>\n
What tis with ye and the stabbin’ of Las Vegas citizenry, lately? Besides, that would defeat the point of this whole bloody operation.<\/p>\n
JACK<\/p>\n
Aye... yai... blimey!<\/p>\n
Jack missteps and falls backward off the curb.<\/p>\n
BLACKBEARD<\/p>\n
Avast ye, landlubber!<\/p>\n
Blackbeard grabs Jack’s arm and pulls him back up on the curb. As Blackbeard releases Jack’s arm, a chunk of Jack’s skin comes off and falls to the ground.<\/p>\n
BLACKBEARD<\/p>\n
Looks like pieces of ye be fallin’ off all o’er the boulevard, matey.<\/p>\n
Jack sighs in frustration as Blackbeard looks at the piece of skin in disgust.<\/p>\n
JACK<\/p>\n
Arrr. Not again.<\/p>\n
Jack picks up the skin and tries to reattach it to his arm.<\/p>\n
JACK<\/p>\n
Me leprecy is killing me. If only I could obtain a decent health plan.<\/p>\n
BLACKBEARD<\/p>\n
Tell me ’bout it. Seems like I be havin’ this scurvy fer years. Normally, t’would not be a problem...<\/p>\n
Blackbeard pulls down his lower lip and shows the inside of his bloody lip it to Jack.<\/p>\n
BLACKBEARD (CONT’D)<\/p>\n
(with his lip pulled down)<\/p>\n
But now me mucous membranes be bleedin’. See?<\/p>\n
BYSTANDER, hearing their conversation, walks over to Blackbeard and Jack.<\/p>\n
BYSTANDER<\/p>\n
I couldn’t help but overhear. You know, scurvy is really just a deficiency in vitamin C.<\/p>\n
Blackbeard and Jack look at each other baffled.<\/p>\n
BYSTANDER<\/p>\n
Just get some oranges. You should be good as new.<\/p>\n
BLACKBEARD<\/p>\n
Aye. But tell me, where can I obtain such an exotic delight?<\/p>\n
BYSTANDER<\/p>\n
(ogles them strangely)<\/p>\n
At the Albertson’s. Down the street. 99 cents a pound.<\/p>\n
BLACKBEARD<\/p>\n
(looks at Jack; confused)<\/p>\n
Arrr?<\/p>\n
JACK<\/p>\n
(looks at Blackbeard; confused)<\/p>\n
Arrr?<\/p>\n
BOTH<\/p>\n
(suddenly hitting realization)<\/p>\n
Arrrrrr.<\/p>\n
MAN IN A PINK GORILLA SUIT passes by. Blackbeard and Jack slap their cards and try to hand them to the Gorilla. Gorilla whips a banana at Blackbeard which hits him hard in the face.<\/p>\n
As Blackbeard recovers, an uproar of “aarrrs” are heard in the distance.<\/p>\n
BLACKBEARD<\/p>\n
What tis all the ruckus?<\/p>\n
Jack leans over and looks down the street.<\/p>\n
JACK<\/p>\n
Ahoy! It appears a bloke just took a wench card. Prepare for battle!<\/p>\n
Jack rips out his scimitar.<\/p>\n
BLACKBEARD<\/p>\n
What did I tell ye ’bout the scimitar?<\/p>\n
JACK<\/p>\n
Right.<\/p>\n
Jack puts the scimitar back in the scabbard.<\/p>\n
The RUCKUS gets louder as the bloke makes their way closer to Blackbeard and Jack.<\/p>\n
BLACKBEARD<\/p>\n
Ready?! Pillage!<\/p>\n
JACK<\/p>\n
Plunder!<\/p>\n
BOTH<\/p>\n
Arrr!<\/p>\n
Blackbeard and Jack charge off screen.<\/p>\n
THUDS and THUMPING are heard as Blackbeard and Jack get pushed back on screen.<\/p>\n
BLACKBEARD & JACK<\/p>\n
(simultaneously; sheepishly)<\/p>\n
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.<\/p>\n
Blackbeard and Jack are followed by an OLD WOMAN violently hitting them with her purse.<\/p>\n
Blackbeard and Jack fall to the ground.<\/p>\n
OLD WOMAN<\/p>\n
Listen Bucko, the next time you accost me with those girly pictures, I’ll see you to Davy Jones! That goes for your friend, too!<\/p>\n
The old woman throws the cards in their faces and storms off.<\/p>\n
BLACKBEARD<\/p>\n
It be time to rethink our line of work.<\/p>\n
JACK<\/p>\n
Privateer... has a nice ring to it.<\/p>\n
BLACKOUT:<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Arrgh! Almost didn’t make it this week. But then I realized, like R.A., I haven’t missed a week since I started. Tryin’ to keep the streak alive. Got this idea walking down the Vegas strip this weekend. It’s completely stupid and random. But I figured, why not? [fountain] EXT. LAS VEGAS STRIP – LATE EVENING […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[119,149,222,230],"class_list":["post-1313","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches","tag-las-vegas","tag-pirates","tag-unemployment","tag-wenches"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1313","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/8"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1313"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1313\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1313"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1313"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1313"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}