I took this week’s cue a bit too literally, I think.
\n<\/p>\n
INT. GAME SHOW SET – DAY<\/p>\n
BING CHESTERTON, 30s with helmet hair, veneers, and a sharp suit, crosses down center from a podium and faces the camera.<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
The smash sensation that started in South Korea has crossed the ocean to our fair shores. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!<\/p>\n
Strobes and crisscrossing spots turn the set into a disco. The camera pans and zooms and spins out of control while the too-loud synthesizer and brass theme music plays. After an eternal 10 seconds, the stage lights come back on and the camera settles on Bing and the three contestants.<\/p>\n
BING (CONT’D)<\/p>\n
Let’s meet our competitors!<\/p>\n
At far left is NOREEN, a prissy woman in her 30s with feathered hair, Sally Jesse frames, and a pastel cardigan over a high-necked collar.<\/p>\n
BING (CONT’D)<\/p>\n
Noreen, welcome to Liar, Liar. Tell us about yourself.<\/p>\n
NOREEN<\/p>\n
Well, Bing, I’m a homemaker from Tacoma, Washington and sell dried flower arrangements over the Internet.<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
Sounds exciting! Have you seen Liar, Liar before?<\/p>\n
NOREEN<\/p>\n
No, I can’t say that I have. I’m here visiting my sister Louise in West Covina and she brought me into Hollywood today to see if we could spot any celebrities. That’s where we were when that sweet girl you work with asked if we wanted to be on TV.<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
After this, you’ll be a celebrity yourself! Good luck to you today, Noreen.<\/p>\n
Bing sidles to the center podium. There stands RYAN, mid-20s uber-hipster. He also wears Sally Jesse frames, but it’s an extremely ironic affectation. His every utterance drips with sarcasm.<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
Ryan, my producer tells me you’re quite the expert on game shows.<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Only foreign game shows. Not the boring, watered down pablum Americans watch. I used to get them from Pirate’s Bay before it got too commercial.<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
Then you must know all about Liar, Liar.<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
I’m familiar with the German version, Unehrliche Mencshen mit Feuerhoschen, of course.<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
The Korean version is a little different, I think you’ll agree.<\/p>\n
Bing steps up to the final contestant, HECTOR, in his 50s with greasy hair and a stained overcoat.<\/p>\n
HECTOR<\/p>\n
Hey man, where’s the soup at?<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
What?<\/p>\n
HECTOR<\/p>\n
The blond lady said there was soup.<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
Uh, Hector, this is a game show. You’re a contestant.<\/p>\n
HECTOR<\/p>\n
I just wanted some soup.<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
I’ll see what we can do.<\/p>\n
Bing crosses to center stage and faces the camera again.<\/p>\n
BING (CONT’D)<\/p>\n
Now that we’ve met the contestants, let’s play Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire. Our first question is for 200 dollars. Who farted?<\/p>\n
(Beat)<\/p>\n
Backstage before the show started, our contestants spent some time together in the green room. One of them--<\/p>\n
Ryan buzzes in.<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
--Hector.<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
Let’s see. Is it Hector?<\/p>\n
A huge flatscreen TV comes down from above. On it we see the three contestants sitting around a table, ignoring each other. Suddenly, Ryan jerks his head up and looks around nervously.<\/p>\n
BING (CONT’D)<\/p>\n
I’m sorry, Ryan. That’s incorrect.<\/p>\n
From the floor beneath Ryan, a flame shoots up ass-high.<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Ayyyahhhh! What the hell?!?<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
Ryan, you said you were familiar with the rules of Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire.<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
I’ve never actually watched the show, but I’ve downloaded every episode.<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
Well, now you know! Next question. This one is for you, Noreen. Have you ever slept with someone because you thought he was famous?<\/p>\n
NOREEN<\/p>\n
What? Well I never!<\/p>\n
Flames shoot up to Noreen’s ass.<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
The judges disagree. Let’s take a look.<\/p>\n
CUT TO:<\/p>\n
On the flatscreen we see Noreen sitting at a bar, hitting on a balding, pudgy MAN slightly past his prime.<\/p>\n
CUT TO:<\/p>\n
Studio.<\/p>\n
NOREEN<\/p>\n
He told me he was a Baldwin.<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
Bonus question for 300 dollars. What venereal disease did Noreen contract that night?<\/p>\n
Ryan buzzes in.<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
Ryan?<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Herpes?<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
No. The answer we were looking for was chlamydia.<\/p>\n
Ryan hops and twists, worried about the flames.<\/p>\n
BING (CONT’D)<\/p>\n
Don’t worry, Ryan. Guessing isn’t lying.<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Oh, thank god.<\/p>\n
A flame shoots up and sends Ryan skyward.<\/p>\n
RYAN (CONT’D)<\/p>\n
What the hell?<\/p>\n
Bing smiles so wide his veneers glow.<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
I lied. Next question is for 300 dollars. How old were you when you lost your virginity? Noreen?<\/p>\n
NOREEN<\/p>\n
Pass.<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
You can’t pass, Noreen. We need an answer. Just tell the truth.<\/p>\n
NOREEN<\/p>\n
Thirteen.<\/p>\n
(Beat)<\/p>\n
Eleven! Eleven! I was eleven, alright? No more fire!<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
See, that wasn’t so hard! That’s 300 dollars for you. Ryan? Same question.<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Sixteen.<\/p>\n
The flame shoots up and Ryan knocks over his podium trying to escape it.<\/p>\n
RYAN (CONT’D)<\/p>\n
I’m telling the truth!<\/p>\n
Ryan sprawls on the floor. A MODEL in an evening gown comes over with a flamethrower and blasts Ryan once in the ass.<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
The judges don’t agree. Let’s go to the tape.<\/p>\n
CUT TO:<\/p>\n
The head of A WOMAN in her mid-20s fills the TV screen.<\/p>\n
WOMAN<\/p>\n
Ryan Leffler? Oh man, I haven’t thought about him in years. We went out a couple times back in high school. It didn’t work out.<\/p>\n
INTERVIEWER (O.S.)<\/p>\n
Did you two have sex?<\/p>\n
WOMAN<\/p>\n
I don’t think it counts if he’s done while I’m still getting popcorn.<\/p>\n
CUT TO:<\/p>\n
Studio. Ryan’s jeans are smoking as he gets back on his feet.<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
Our final question is for 1000 dollars.<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Why don’t you ask Hector any questions?<\/p>\n
NOREEN<\/p>\n
Yeah! I don’t want any more.<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
Are you sure?<\/p>\n
NOREEN<\/p>\n
Y--<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
Was that a yes?<\/p>\n
NOREEN<\/p>\n
I’m afraid to answer.<\/p>\n
Bing laughs heartily.<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
Alright. The final question, for 1000 dollars, goes to you Hector. What do you want to eat?<\/p>\n
HECTOR<\/p>\n
Soup.<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
That is correct! You’re our big winner. Congratulations!<\/p>\n
The gown-clad model and her TWIN bring roses, a pile of money, and a big bowl of soup to Hector. Ryan and Noreen gape.<\/p>\n
BING (CONT’D)<\/p>\n
Join us next time on Liar, Liar, Pans on Fire!<\/p>\n
BLACKOUT:<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I took this week’s cue a bit too literally, I think.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[120],"class_list":["post-1296","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches","tag-liar-liar-pants-on-fire"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1296","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1296"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1296\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1296"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1296"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1296"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}