{"id":127,"date":"2008-10-10T13:33:00","date_gmt":"2008-10-10T21:33:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wwwold.sketchwar.org\/?p=127"},"modified":"2008-10-10T13:33:00","modified_gmt":"2008-10-10T21:33:00","slug":"fsw-bailout","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/?p=127","title":{"rendered":"FSW: Bailout"},"content":{"rendered":"

I’ve been threatening to do it for a while, and whaddya know, this week I finally did it – a sketch with a musical number. I chose the theme of Bailout last week – can’t imagine why! And I’m posting late (geez lyrics take a while to write). But, since we seem to have a lot in common with the 30’s, I couldn’t help but add in my little homage to the golden age of musicals.<\/span><\/p>\n

Nothing yet from Michael or Richard – Michael may be taking a break (and he will be sorely missed), but I’ll update as combatants report to the field. Honors for theme-picking go to Richard next week…let’s see, we’ve had Apocalpse and Bailout….I bet he picks something like puppies \ud83d\ude42<\/span><\/p>\n

UPDATED: After being away from the wonder-box Friday night and Saturday, I returned this morning to a great sketch from Richard, and a surprise entry from Michael (woooohoooo!!!). <\/strong>Richard<\/a> gave us a taste of old Broadway<\/a> too (I guess it isn’t a coincidence that the Golden Age of Broadway started during the great depression – finanacial chaos apparently inspires showtunes \ud83d\ude42 and Michael<\/a>, who’s taking a break from all-things internet, guest stars on Richard’s blog with insurance to get you through the tough times.<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

Richard also set the theme for next week’s sketch war: Best Friends!<\/strong>
<\/span>_________________________________________________________________<\/p>\n

EXT. EMPRIRE STATE BUILDING OBSERVATION DECK – DAY
A few people are milling about, but there\u2019s not a lot of traffic. MR. THOMPKINS, a tour guide \\ guard is there resplendent in his perfectly pressed navy blue uniform, brass rimmed spectacles, and immaculately groomed grey mustache over a beaming smile. The elevator dings and the doors open. CHARLIE and DAISY step out into the sun. Both are in their late 20\u2019s, clean cut, innocent, bright eyed, almost stereotypically Midwestern, and very obviously tourists. Both have an air of bittersweet sadness about them. They step out into the sunshine on the deck.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

DAISY<\/u><\/strong>
Oh Charlie, it really is magnificent. Just like everyone says.<\/p>\n

CHARLIE<\/u><\/strong>
Staggering view.<\/p>\n

DAISY<\/u><\/strong>
C\u2019mon honey bun. Let\u2019s just pretend everything is okay for a little bit. After all, this may be the last vacation we take for a very very long time.<\/p>\n

CHARLIE hugs DAISY<\/strong><\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

CHARLIE<\/u><\/strong>
You\u2019re right, my little ray of sunshine. Say, let\u2019s go peek over the edge and see how far we can see.<\/p>\n

They walk over to the edge of the observation deck, looking through the large fence around it.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

CHARLIE (CONT)<\/u><\/strong>
Wow…the city looks so peaceful from up here, as if it were filled with nothing but nice considerate people who would never think of trashing an entire free market economy just for a couple of high-priced hookers and a custom Bentley.<\/p>\n

DAISY<\/u><\/strong>
Now lamb chop….<\/p>\n

CHARLIE<\/u><\/strong>
I\u2019m sorry Daisy. Just slipped out. I\u2019ll try and look on the bright side of things. Say…do you think that\u2019s New Jersey over there?<\/p>\n

DAISY<\/u><\/strong>
I think it is Charlie. Nice, respectable, kindly New Jersey, filled with kindly, respectable people, like loan sharks and mob bosses, the kind of people who only break the knees of people who have wronged them, and then only one at a time.<\/p>\n

DAISY starts sobbing, and CHARLIE wraps her up in his arms<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

CHARLIE<\/u><\/strong>
There there, my darling…<\/p>\n

MR. THOMPKINS strolls over to CHARLIE and DAISY, concerned<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

MR. THOMPKINS<\/u><\/strong>
\u2018Scuse me folks, but I couldn\u2019t help but notice you aren\u2019t exactly thrilled by our view here.<\/p>\n

CHARLIE<\/u><\/strong>
Sorry Mister…..<\/p>\n

MR. THOMPKINS<\/u><\/strong>
Thompkins, William Thompkins, but call me Billy – all my friends do.<\/p>\n

CHARLIE<\/u><\/strong>
Sorry Billy. My wife Daisy and I are just in a bit of a rough patch, with the economy being so rocky and all. We have a lot of bills…<\/p>\n

DAISY<\/u><\/strong>
And some big credit card debts…<\/p>\n

CHARLIE<\/u><\/strong>
And a big house back in Iowa that\u2019s lost almost half it\u2019s value…<\/p>\n

DAISY<\/u><\/strong>
Not to mention a whole bunch of stocks that aren\u2019t worth dick anymore.<\/p>\n

CHARLIE<\/u><\/strong>
Fact is, Billy, we only came on this trip to New York because we already paid for it a while back, when times were good, and with this economy, we won\u2019t be going anywhere more exciting than Dubuque for a long time.<\/p>\n

DAISY<\/u><\/strong>
Dubuque!!!<\/p>\n

DAISY starts crying loudly again<\/em>
<\/span>
MR. THOMPKINS<\/u><\/strong>
Awwww, you poor kids. No wonder you look so down in the mouth. Come on over here and have a seat. Take a load off<\/p>\n

He leads them to a bench by the wall around the deck. He pulls a box of animal crackers out of his pocket.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

MR. THOMPKINS (CONT)<\/u><\/strong>
Animal Cracker? I keep a box in my coat \u2018cause they always make life feel a little simpler…like those care free days when I was a boy.<\/p>\n

DAISY and CHARLIE both reach in a grab a cookie out of the box. They crunch them and start to smile a little<\/span>
<\/em>
MR. THOMPKINS<\/u><\/strong>
There…now that\u2019s better, isn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n

DAISY and CHARLIE smile weakly and nod yes<\/em>
<\/span>
MR. THOMPKINS<\/u><\/strong>
You know, me and Mrs. Thompkins went through some rough times when were about your age. Not as rough as these, but not too far off. Heck, we thought we were all set for a nice cozy retirement. Boy were we wrong. That\u2019s why Mrs. Thompkins is on the street 4 days a week selling black tar heroin. Say, neither of you kids is a hopelessly addicted smack-head, are you? Mrs. Thompkins is looking for new business.<\/p>\n

DAISY<\/u><\/strong>
Sorry Billy.<\/p>\n

MR. THOMPKINS<\/u><\/strong>
Oh well, never hurts to ask. Me…well, I knew there was just one place for me, and that was right here, working security atop this grand old lady.<\/p>\n

DAISY<\/u><\/strong>
Why is that Mr. Thomp…<\/p>\n

MR. THOMPKINS shoots her a playful disapproving look<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

DAISY (CONT)<\/u><\/strong>
I mean \u201cBilly\u201d<\/p>\n

MR. THOMPKINS smiles<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

MR. THOMPKINS<\/u><\/strong>
Because this is a magical place Daisy, where people come to see more than just the view – it\u2019s a place where people see their past, their future, and see things in perspective. This is a a place where you can do things you can\u2019t do anywhere else in the world. Let me put it this way…<\/p>\n

The music starts and soon MR THOMPKINS is singing a nice 1930\u2019s musical number<\/em>
<\/span>MR. THOMPKINS (CONT)<\/u><\/strong>
(singing)<\/em>
<\/span>When a panoramic view
Just serves to make you blue
And what used to make you happy makes you weep
There’s a way that I have found
To make a smile out of that frown
Just make douchebag broker take a flying leap<\/p>\n

MR THOMPKINS starts talking again, the music plays on in the background<\/em>
<\/span>
MR. THOMPKINS (CONT)<\/u><\/strong>
Here, let me show you…<\/p>\n

MR. THOMPKINS goes over to the fence, pushes a section aside so it no longer shrouds the ledge and looks down.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

MR. THOMPKINS(CONT)<\/u><\/strong>
Boy, I wish I knew where to invest a few million right now – if only some savvy wall street broker was around to help an old ignorant but wealthy investor with his cash.<\/p>\n

A man, BROKER 1, in an expensive suit, dripping jewelry and carrying an expensive briefcase, come running over.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

BROKER 1<\/u><\/strong>
Hey there….Mike Scabbers, financial genius…sorry about the tan bro, just got back from a big-wig conference in Aruba, I\u2019d love to get you invested in ….<\/p>\n

MR. THOMPKINS pushes a button on the wall, and the railing slides over to reveal a gap. MR. THOMPKINS nods and smiles as he leads BROKER 1 over the to gap, then pushes him through and over the edge. MR. THOMPKINS sighs with a smile, and comes back smiling, and singing again.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

MR. THOMPKINS<\/u><\/strong>
(singing)<\/span><\/em>
Throw a douchebag off a building
And see if he can fly
That greedy jerk put you out of work
To grab a bigger piece of pie<\/p>\n

Just throw a douchebag off a building
Give a smug exec the boot
Watch the smarmy rat make a big ol’ splat
Without his golden parachute<\/p>\n

The music continues playing<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

MR. THOMPKINS<\/u><\/strong>
See kids, a lot of these deal making, super rich, money-flauntin out-of-touch, above the law, guilt-free Wall Street types – the type we New Yorkers like to call \u201cdouche bags\u201d – like to come up here and take in the view – kind of makes them feel like the king of world I guess. So there\u2019s always several around to do with as you please. Watch this…<\/p>\n

(looking over the edge of the building)<\/em>
<\/span>
Oh look – I wonder whose chauffeur just turned off the engine in that Hummer Limo to save gas?<\/p>\n

BROKER 2 comes running over to the edge to look.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

BROKER 2<\/u><\/strong>
Dammit – I told Lawson to keep circling until I\u2019m ready…..<\/p>\n

BROKER 2 looks over, and MR. THOMPKINS pushes him over the edge<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

MR. THOMPKINS<\/u><\/strong>
Ahhhhhhh…there is nothing quite like the feeling of launching a financial douchebag into thin air!<\/p>\n

CHARLIE<\/u><\/strong>
But Billy, isn\u2019t that murder?<\/p>\n

MR. THOMPKINS<\/u><\/strong>
In the old days, when a financial exec caused a mess like this, they had the courtesy to jump off a building under their own steam. We\u2019re just helping them out this time around. Want to try it?<\/p>\n

DAISY<\/u><\/strong>
Gee Billy, I don\u2019t know where to start.<\/p>\n

MR. THOMPKINS<\/u><\/strong>
Well Daisy, you just need to shout out something that would make the average money-grubbing Wall Street douchebag with no conscience come a-runnin\u2019.<\/p>\n

DAISY<\/u><\/strong>
Hey! I think I\u2019ve got just the thing Billy. Let me give it a whirl.<\/p>\n

MR. THOMPKINS ushers DAISY over to the magic section of the wall.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

DAISY<\/u><\/strong>
(shouting)<\/span><\/em>
Boy, I sure wish I could find a man compensating for a tiny penis with a lot of cash.<\/p>\n

BROKERS 3 and 4 flock over quickly. They look almost identical to BROKERS 1 and 2. They start hitting on DAISY with smarmy lines and telling her what they\u2019ll buy for her. CHARLIE sneaks up behind them pushes them both over the edge. CHARLIE and DAISY look over the edge as they fall<\/em>.<\/span><\/p>\n

CHARLIE<\/u><\/strong>
Hey….that crowd down on the street is actually cheering!<\/p>\n

MR. THOMPKINS<\/u><\/strong>
Of course they are – they\u2019re people just like you!<\/p>\n

DAISY<\/u><\/strong>
(waving at the crowd below)<\/span><\/em>
You\u2019re welcome, non-wealthy New Yorkers!!!<\/p>\n

A cheer is heard from the street<\/span><\/p>\n

CHARLIE<\/u><\/strong>
(singing)<\/span><\/em>
Throw a douchebag off a building
For trashing the Dow Jones<\/p>\n

DAISY<\/u><\/strong>
(singing)<\/span><\/em>
He made stupid bets on risky debts<\/p>\n

DAISY ANDCHARLIE<\/u><\/strong>
(singing)<\/em>
<\/span>And some fucked up subprime loans<\/p>\n

MR. THOMPKINS<\/u><\/strong>
(singing)<\/span><\/em>
Just throw a douchebag off a building
Introduce him to gravity<\/p>\n

DAISY<\/u><\/strong>
(singing)<\/span><\/em>
The greedy lout<\/p>\n

CHARLIE<\/u><\/strong>
(singing)<\/span><\/em>
Got a big bailout<\/p>\n

CHARLIE, DAISY AND MR. THOMPKINS<\/u><\/strong>
(singing)<\/span><\/em>
For his financial depravity<\/p>\n

CHARLIE<\/u><\/strong>
Hey! Let me try too!<\/p>\n

CHARLIE goes over to the magic wall section<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

CHARLIE<\/u><\/strong>
(shouting)<\/span><\/em>
Did you hear the bailout includes fraud-investigations for Wall Street executives AND closes all existing tax-loopholes for the ultra-wealthy???<\/p>\n

A whole stream of BROKERS, looking just like the others, screams and runs for the open hole in the fence and jumps out. This goes on for a while – a long stream of well dressed lemmings. A big cheer is heard from the crowd below. MR. THOMPKINS, DAISY and CHARLIE all look at each other and laugh.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

MR. THOMPKINS<\/u><\/strong>
(singing)<\/em>
<\/span>They\u2019ve created a recession
But don\u2019t let it get you down
Just make sure the great depression
Is made by a douchebag hitting the ground<\/p>\n

DAISY<\/u><\/strong>
(singing)<\/em>
<\/span>Throw a douchebag off a building
For messing up Wall Street<\/p>\n

CHARLIE<\/u><\/strong>
(singing)<\/em>
<\/span>High flying execs
Caused these big train wrecks
So they deserve to eat concrete<\/p>\n

(Key change)<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

CHARLIE, DAISY AND MR. THOMPKINS<\/u><\/strong>
(singing)<\/em><\/span>
Just throw a douchebag off a building
And see if he can fly<\/p>\n

CHARLIE<\/u><\/strong>
(speak-singing)<\/em>
Make an asshole plummet at the G7 summit<\/p>\n

DAISY<\/u><\/strong>
(speak-singing)<\/em>
He\u2019ll look so super rich in his self-made ditch<\/p>\n

MR. THOMPKINS<\/u><\/strong>
(speak-singing)<\/span><\/em>
He won\u2019t need net worth when he hits the turf<\/p>\n

CHARLIE, DAISY AND MR. THOMPKINS<\/u><\/strong>
(singing)<\/span><\/em>
Just throw a douchebag off a building
And wave those blues bye-bye!!!<\/p>\n

They end with a big finish and the music stops<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

CHARLIE<\/u><\/strong>
Wow honey-bunch! I haven\u2019t seen you smile that much in a year!<\/p>\n

DAISY<\/u><\/strong>
I haven\u2019t felt this good in a year, Charlie! And I know one midwestern boy who\u2019s finally going to get lucky when we get back to the hotel!<\/p>\n

CHARLIE<\/u><\/strong>
Well what are we waiting for! Let\u2019s head back right now!<\/p>\n

DAISY<\/u><\/strong>
How can we ever thank you, Billy? We may not be better off financially…<\/p>\n

CHARLIE<\/u><\/strong>
But we sure do feel better screwing over the people who screwed us over!!<\/p>\n

MR. THOMPKINS<\/u><\/strong>
That\u2019s the spirit kids! Just remember, when the going gets tough, the tough find the douchebags responsible and get even with them.<\/p>\n

DAISY AND CHARLIE<\/u><\/strong>
Bye Billy!!!<\/p>\n

MR. THOMPKINS<\/u><\/strong>
Bye bye kids!<\/p>\n

DAISY and CHARLIE wave and exit into the elevator. GUARD 2 walks over to MR. THOMPKINS as he waves back<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

GUARD 2<\/u><\/strong>
Do they know that Wall Street douchebags can\u2019t really be killed?<\/p>\n

MR. THOMPKINS<\/u><\/strong>
Why spoil their mood.<\/p>\n

BLACK OUT<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I’ve been threatening to do it for a while, and whaddya know, this week I finally did it – a sketch with a musical number. I chose the theme of Bailout last week – can’t imagine why! And I’m posting late (geez lyrics take a while to write). But, since we seem to have a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[25,73,76,135,136,137,180],"class_list":["post-127","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches","tag-bailout","tag-friday-sketch-war","tag-fsw","tag-music","tag-musical","tag-musical-sketch","tag-sketch"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/127","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=127"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/127\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=127"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=127"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=127"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}