{"id":124,"date":"2008-10-03T14:11:00","date_gmt":"2008-10-03T22:11:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wwwold.sketchwar.org\/?p=124"},"modified":"2008-10-03T14:11:00","modified_gmt":"2008-10-03T22:11:00","slug":"fsw-the-apocalypse-is-comingfrom-all-sides","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/?p=124","title":{"rendered":"FSW: The Apocalypse is Coming…from all sides"},"content":{"rendered":"
Alrighty everyone – it’s been a lllloooonnnnggggg day. 3 hour meetings and late improv workouts do not make for early sketch publishing.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
But at long last, here’s my foray into apolypse-land (our theme as given by Michael last week).<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
So far, no sketch entry from the recently emancipated Richard, but Michael (who’s probably wondering if he’s playing alone this week due to my tardiness) gave us a blast from the future \\ past<\/a>.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
I’ll update as needed….which (if memory serves) will include me choosing our next theme (since I think it’s rotated back to me).<\/p>\n

UPDATED: <\/strong>While I was playing a mind-controlling dicator on the planet Berkeley (in an improvised Star Trek show at BATS<\/a> in San Francisco) Richard played with genetics<\/a>, and let me know that it is indeed my turn for theme picking.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span> <\/div>\n
So….our theme for next week is: Bailout<\/strong><\/span><\/div>\n
(I just pulled that out at random…no idea where it came from)<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/em><\/strong><\/div>\n
__________________________________________________________<\/em><\/strong><\/div>\n
<\/em><\/strong><\/div>\n
INT. – LIVING ROOM – DAY<\/em><\/strong>
A nice middle class living room with a big comfy sofa, coffee table, and a large TV – nothing fancy, just an inviting place to relax. STEPHEN enters, talking to his wife offstage<\/em>
<\/span>
STEPHEN<\/u><\/strong>
Let me know if you want any help with the dishes honey…I\u2019ll be watching \u201c24\u201d.<\/p>\n

STEPHEN sits on the sofa, picks up the remote control and turns on the TV.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

TV ANNOUNCER (V.O.)<\/u><\/strong>
Wall Street continued it\u2019s free fall today, losing another 300 points on news that existing housing has hit a 25 year low. The dollar dropped sharply again, and crude oil prices are expected to go up as a result.<\/p>\n

The sound of a horse galloping comes from offstage. STEPHEN gets up and goes to the window to see what\u2019s going on. DEATH, wearing a long black robe, with his head covered by a black hood, appears from a cloud of smoke on the opposite side of the room.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

DEATH<\/u><\/strong>
Behold and tremble!!! For, I, Death, herald of the four horsemen, have come on my pale horse, as the seventh trumpet sounds and the seventh seal is opened. Look upon me and despair, for the day of judgement is nigh!!!<\/p>\n

STEPHEN has to process this for several moments.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

STEPHEN<\/u><\/strong>
Is….is that your horse on the lawn?<\/p>\n

DEATH<\/u><\/strong>
Yesssssssssss. The Pale Horse of Death.<\/p>\n

STEPHEN reacts to a sudden bad smell in the air
<\/span>
STEPHEN<\/u><\/strong>
Ummmm…is that, ummm, smell….well, not to be rude, but is that your breath?<\/p>\n

DEATH<\/u><\/strong>
Yeessssssssssssss<\/p>\n

STEPHEN<\/u><\/strong>
That\u2019s..wow…that\u2019s uhhh, pungent.<\/p>\n

DEATH<\/u><\/strong>
It is the smell of souls burning in the eternal flame of repentance. Souls that will soon be joined by far more, for I am the harbinger of the coming Apocalypse.<\/p>\n

STEPHEN<\/u><\/strong>
Coming…ahhh….umm, when?<\/p>\n

DEATH<\/u><\/strong>
When the Lamb of God, the Son of Man, has opened the seventh seal on the scroll of the covenant.<\/p>\n

STEPHEN<\/u><\/strong>
God?<\/p>\n

DEATH<\/u><\/strong>
He that is the beginning and end, the alpha an omega, maker and destroyer of all things, who gave his only son to purge the sins of this world. I am his horsemen, his herald of the apocalypse.<\/p>\n

STEPHEN<\/u><\/strong>
Ummmm…wow, this is awkward but, we\u2019re not Christian.<\/p>\n

DEATH<\/u><\/strong>
His wrath will be…<\/p>\n

STEPHEN<\/u><\/strong>
Look, I\u2019m sorry to interrupt, but we\u2019re not Christian. I don\u2019t think…<\/p>\n

Another puff of smoke, and a swarthy, muscled, middle-eastern looking man with a long trumpet (literally, not a euphemism) wearing a small white toga appears – ISRAFIL. He blows a long loud blast from his trumpet, then speaks with a middle-eastern accent<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

ISRAFIL<\/u><\/strong>
The great battle approaches! True Muslims hear my call and rise up! The Dajall comes with his unholy army of Christians and nonbelievers. Allah commands me, Israfil, his angel, to blow the horn and summon true Muslims to the final battle of judgement and victory.<\/p>\n

ISRAFIL blows his trumpet loud and long.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

STEPHEN<\/u><\/strong>
Look, would you mind not doing that here. My neighbors live really close, and my wife hates loud noises.<\/p>\n

ISRAFIL<\/u><\/strong>
I must summon good Muslims to the final battle of judgement where they will smote the Christians and non-believers before receiving their final reward.<\/p>\n

STEPHEN<\/u><\/strong>
Ooookkkaayyy….look, we\u2019re not Muslims here, so blowing your horn will only summon the cops.<\/p>\n

DEATH<\/u><\/strong>
You shall hear the horns when the seventh trumpet sounds<\/p>\n

STEPHEN<\/u><\/strong>
No, please..one trumpet is plenty – we don\u2019t need seven.<\/p>\n

ISRAFIL<\/u><\/strong>
(to DEATH)<\/span><\/em>
Who be you? You are shrouded like a woman, but I cannot tell if you be woman or man.<\/p>\n

DEATH<\/u><\/strong>
I am Death, rider of the pale horse, herald…<\/p>\n

STEPHEN gets between DEATH and ISRAFIL, and places his hand over DEATH\u2019S mouth<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

STEPHEN<\/u><\/strong>
(to ISRAFIL)
<\/span><\/em>Don\u2019t get him talking, please.<\/p>\n

STEPHEN checks to see both DEATH and ISRAFIL aren\u2019t going to do anything stupid, then starts speaking to them again.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

STEPHEN<\/u><\/strong>
Look, ummm….guys, Angels, heralds…whatever you are, we\u2019re not Christians or Muslims here. I appreciate the warning, really. But you should find some good Christians, aor good Muslims, people who want to prepare for this Apocalypse thing, who stand to gain something from the Apocalypse. I mean, what can I do? I lose no matter what. I\u2019m gonna get smote or eternally burned right?<\/p>\n

ISRAFIL<\/u><\/strong>
Yes<\/p>\n

DEATH<\/u><\/strong>
Yesssssssssssssssssss<\/p>\n

Both ISRAFIL and STEPHEN react to the smell of DEATH\u2019S breath again.<\/em>
<\/span>
STEPHEN<\/u><\/strong>
But neither of you is here to kill me outright, right?<\/p>\n

ISRAFIL<\/u><\/strong>
No<\/p>\n

DEATH<\/u><\/strong>
(breathily)<\/span><\/em>
Noo..<\/p>\n

STEPHEN cuts DEATH off and puts his hand over DEATH\u2019s mouth<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

STEPHEN<\/u><\/strong>
Just…nod<\/p>\n

DEATH shakes his head \u201cno\u201d<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

STEPHEN<\/u><\/strong>
Good, so tell people who can benefit from knowing the Apocalypse is coming, cause if I\u2019m the one who finds out first I\u2019m going to feel guilty….<\/p>\n

MAGOG now appears in a cloud of smoke. He has long gray hair with the ringlet curls of a Hacidic Jew, a long gray beard, and speaks with a Yiddish accent<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

MAGOG<\/u><\/strong>
Guilt? What know you of guilt? I must attack Israel to start Armageddon, so God can destroy me. What do I know about attacking people? I should just let God win, but no, someone\u2019s a stickler for scripture…<\/p>\n

STEPHEN<\/u><\/strong>
That\u2019s….look I\u2019m sorry to hear that but I\u2019m not Jewish, and I really don\u2019t want to be the one knowing Israel is going to be attacked by some vengeful angel…<\/p>\n

MAGOG<\/u><\/strong>
Angel, Ha! I wish!<\/p>\n

ISRAFIL<\/u><\/strong>
Israel will fall in the final battle of judgment!<\/p>\n

MAGOG<\/u><\/strong>
Listen to Mr. Macho. That\u2019s some attitude for a trumpet-toting diaper wearer.<\/p>\n

DEATH<\/u><\/strong>
All shall perishhhhhhhhhh……<\/p>\n

Everyone reacts to DEATH\u2019S breath<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

MAGOG<\/u><\/strong>
You know, if you ate more you wouldn\u2019t have such a sour stomach. Skin and bones, this one….without the skin<\/p>\n

ISRAFIL<\/u><\/strong>
Food shall have little meaning when the battle…<\/p>\n

MAGOG<\/u><\/strong>
Violence is no solution, Mr. Too Much Testosterone<\/p>\n

ISRAFIL<\/u><\/strong>
Jewish dog<\/p>\n

MAGOG<\/u><\/strong>
Sticks and stones<\/p>\n

ISRAFIL<\/u><\/strong>
I shall…<\/p>\n

DEATH raises his head and exhales loud and long. STEPHEN steps in the middle of the room<\/span>
<\/em>
STEPHEN<\/u><\/strong>
HEY!!! KNOCK IT OFF!!! Look you guys. Enough, okay? I\u2019m not Christian, I\u2019m not Jewish, I\u2019m not Muslim – I\u2019m an atheist all right? I believe all this Armageddon apocalypse stuff is just bullshit…stuff made up by people to keep other people in line. And even if it IS real, well, then I\u2019m just fucked. Fucked for not being Christian Jew or Muslim, fucked for doing the right thing but not doing it in the name of some organized religion. So warning me does squat – it just scares the crap out of me waiting for you actually destroy the universe, and being helpless to stop it – so either get on with it or shut the hell up!<\/p>\n

ISRAFIL<\/u><\/strong>
But we must Herald the Apocalypse for those true of faith.<\/p>\n

DEATH and MAGOG nod in agreement<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

STEPHEN<\/u><\/strong>
Honestly, \u201cthose of true faith\u201d are completely fucked too!!! Look, you all have some apocalypse where your followers are saved, right?
(They all agree)<\/span><\/em>
Then everyone who believes something other than your faith represent gets fucked, which means NO ONE SURVIVES. Jewish apocalypse, Christians and Muslims are fucked. Christian apocalypse, Muslims and Jews are fucked. You see what I\u2019m saying?<\/p>\n

ODIM now appears in a cloud of smoke, with flowing golden hair, a magnificent golden beard, wearing a Viking helmet and lavish robes like something out a Wagnerian opera. He speaks with a booming voice and Swedish Accent<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

ODIN<\/u><\/strong>
The days of Ragnarok are upon us and I, Highfather Odin, have come to Midgard…<\/p>\n

ODIN sees the others, then continues speaking in a higher pictched voice, with a slight lisp.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

ODIN<\/u><\/strong>
Oh my God, you guys are hear too?<\/p>\n

DEATH, MAGOG and ISRAFIL all nod. ODIN looks at Stephen, then whispers to the others.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/em>ODIN<\/u><\/strong>
He doesn\u2019t look Nordic.<\/p>\n

DEATH, ISARFIL AND MAGOG
<\/u><\/strong>He isn\u2019t!!!<\/p>\n

Everyone looks at each other during a long quiet pause, thinking over what STEPHEN said.
<\/span><\/em>
ODIN<\/u><\/strong>
Did I come at a bad time?<\/p>\n

STEPHEN<\/u><\/strong>
Look guys…I can\u2019t tell you what to do, but why not go back to the Gods who sent you…<\/p>\n

ODIN<\/u><\/strong>
I sent myself…I\u2019m my own god<\/p>\n

STEPHEN<\/u><\/strong>
Fine…Odin go think things over someplace, everyone else go back, talk to your respective gods, and tell them that an apocalypse should wait – it\u2019s not going to help your followers or anyone else, and no one can win, okay?<\/p>\n

ISRAFIL, DEATH, ODIN and MAGOG all sort of mumble and agree. They dejectedly walk towards STEPHEN\u2019s front door, and exit
<\/span><\/em><\/div>\n

<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n

<\/u><\/strong><\/div>\n
MAGOG<\/u><\/strong>
(to DEATH as they exit)
<\/span><\/em>Look, I know a great deli – you want to grab a bite? Just looking at you is making me hungry.<\/p>\n

ODIN<\/u><\/strong>
(to ISRAFIL as they exit)
<\/span><\/em>Do you workout? I like to work out, but I can\u2019t wear togas – too cold in Asgard and they make me look so hip-y, but it looks good on you.<\/p>\n

STEPHEN shuts the door behind them, then goes back and sits on the couch to watch TV.
<\/span><\/em>
Lights flash, and smoke billows again. This time, the TERMINIATOR steps out.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

TERMINATOR<\/u><\/strong>
I am a Cyberdyne systems model T100 terminator. I have been sent back in time to proctect you. Come with me if you want to live and stop the Judgment day that brings about my future.<\/p>\n

STEPHEN just stares at the TERMINATOR for a moment. Then stands up.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

STEPHEN<\/u><\/strong>
Honey, I\u2019m going out for a bit – just gotta take care of something.<\/p>\n

STEPHEN and the TERMINATOR exist through his front door.<\/span>
<\/em>
BLACK OUT<\/strong> <\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Alrighty everyone – it’s been a lllloooonnnnggggg day. 3 hour meetings and late improv workouts do not make for early sketch publishing. But at long last, here’s my foray into apolypse-land (our theme as given by Michael last week). So far, no sketch entry from the recently emancipated Richard, but Michael (who’s probably wondering if […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[18,73,76],"class_list":["post-124","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches","tag-apocalypse","tag-friday-sketch-war","tag-fsw"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/124","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=124"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/124\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=124"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=124"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=124"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}