Hi all — here’s my take on the “Interviews that Never Aired” edition of Sketchwar.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
FADE IN:\u00a0<\/p>\n
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD – NIGHT<\/p>\n
VICTORY!<\/p>\n
FANS in the stands cheer.<\/p>\n
THE WINNING TEAM, the Penguins, high-five each other ecstatically.<\/p>\n
THE LOSING TEAM, the Badgers, sulk off the field.<\/p>\n
An INTERVIEWER with a microphone approaches the winning team’s QUARTERBACK.<\/p>\n
INTERVIEWER<\/p>\n
Welcome back to your coverage of the West Lansdale Fightin’ Penguins! You’ve just seen an amazing 12-2 victory over the Lee Valley Badgers, and here is quarterback Mark Riley!<\/p>\n
QUARTERBACK<\/p>\n
Let’s go Penguins!<\/p>\n
INTERVIEWER<\/p>\n
Mark! How did you guys do it?<\/p>\n
QUARTERBACK<\/p>\n
Well, it’s really down to three guys.<\/p>\n
INTERVIEWER<\/p>\n
Uh-huh?<\/p>\n
QUARTERBACK<\/p>\n
The refs.<\/p>\n
INTERVIEWER<\/p>\n
The -- what?<\/p>\n
QUARTERBACK<\/p>\n
The refs have been blowing calls for the last two years now, but this time it was like they weren’t half-blind schizophrenics on a Mafia payroll, so we had an even playing field.<\/p>\n
INTERVIEWER<\/p>\n
Oh -- um, so -- how did you get the upper hand out there?<\/p>\n
QUARTERBACK<\/p>\n
Oh, that was all about the fans.<\/p>\n
INTERVIEWER<\/p>\n
‘cos there ain’t no fans like the Fightin’ Penguins’ fans!<\/p>\n
QUARTERBACK<\/p>\n
Not quites. Penguins fans are what I’d call ‘mediocre’.<\/p>\n
INTERVIEWER<\/p>\n
What?<\/p>\n
QUARTERBACK<\/p>\n
I meant the Badger<\/i> fans. The Badger fans were just pathetic. Nobody could win playing for a bunch of wheezy, uncaring morons.<\/p>\n
INTERVIEWER<\/p>\n
“Wheezy?”<\/p>\n
QUARTERBACK<\/p>\n
The Badger fans really should just give up on football, and find something that doesn’t require any, y’know, joy, or will to live.<\/p>\n
INTERVIEWER<\/p>\n
Wow. Okay, is there anybody else you’d like to thank?<\/p>\n
QUARTERBACK<\/p>\n
Well, of course, Jesus.<\/p>\n
INTERVIEWER<\/p>\n
Amen.<\/p>\n
QUARTERBACK<\/p>\n
Jesus hates<\/i> the Badgers.<\/p>\n
INTERVIEWER<\/p>\n
Wha -- hates --?<\/p>\n
QUARTERBACK<\/p>\n
Fumbling that third-quarter pass within three yards of the end zone? Nobody screws up that bad on their own.<\/p>\n
INTERVIEWER<\/p>\n
You think Jesus --<\/p>\n
QUARTERBACK<\/p>\n
-- smote the crap out of them, and then shone the light of his holy indifference upon our team.<\/p>\n
INTERVIEWER<\/p>\n
Why would the Lord do --<\/p>\n
QUARTERBACK<\/p>\n
I don’t even want to know, the way Jesus bent those guys over and had his way with them.<\/p>\n
INTERVIEWER<\/p>\n
Okay, seriously, Mark --<\/p>\n
QUARTERBACK<\/p>\n
I mean, it was so bad, I’d guess the quarterback chainsawed a nun and wore her skin to Mass.<\/p>\n
INTERVIEWER<\/p>\n
Wow. So, what’re you gonna do now?<\/p>\n
QUARTERBACK<\/p>\n
I’m goin’ to Disneyland!<\/p>\n
INTERVIEWER<\/p>\n
Great, Mark.<\/p>\n
QUARTERBACK<\/p>\n
-- if by “Disney” you mean “my dealer,” and by “land” you mean “his van.” Yeah!<\/p>\n
Mark exits.<\/p>\n
The interviewer eyes the camera.<\/p>\n
INTERVIEWER<\/p>\n
We’re not broadcasting that, right?<\/p>\n
The O. S. cameraman shakes the camera “no”.<\/p>\n
FADE OUT.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Peter’s take on the “Interviews that Never Aired” edition of Sketchwar: “The Fightin’ Penguins”.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[107],"class_list":["post-1236","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches","tag-interviews-that-never-aired"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1236","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1236"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1236\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1236"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1236"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1236"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}