How many stupid questions does it take to incite the rapture?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\n
INT. SET OF “LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN”<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
Studio audience APPLAUDS as DAVID LETTERMAN sits at his desk. Letterman flings his notecard which flies behind him and back through the fake windows.<\/p>\n
LETTERMAN<\/p>\n
My first guest tonight has gained worldwide popularity in monotheistic religions everywhere. With millions of followers, he’s known as the deity to beat. Please welcome to our show, God.<\/p>\n
GOD, sporting a white robe, long white beard and hair, and bare feet, dazedly walks out onto the set. In the background, the BAND plays “What if God were One of Us.” God takes a seat on the couch next to Letterman’s desk.<\/p>\n
LETTERMAN<\/p>\n
God, its an honor...<\/p>\n
GOD<\/p>\n
I don’t understand. One minute Gabriel and I were napping on the grassy knoll next to the pearly gate, the next minute I’m here...<\/p>\n
LETTERMAN (CONT’D)<\/p>\n
Those ten commandments, though, I have to say... quite the bitch, aren’t they.<\/p>\n
GOD (CONT’D)<\/p>\n
What’s going on?<\/p>\n
LETTERMAN<\/p>\n
(whispers) It’s just a dream. Go with it. (loudly) So, let’s just get down to the reason why you\u2019re here tonight. The duckbill platypus. Did you just wake up one morning and say, “this sounds like a good idea?”<\/p>\n
GOD<\/p>\n
Good God, can’t you get any new jokes?<\/p>\n
SFX Flash.<\/p>\n
CUT TO:<\/p>\n
\n
INT. SET OF “THE VIEW”<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
God is sitting at a table in the middle of four cackling WOMEN: BARBARA WALTERS, JOY BEHAR, WHOOPI GOLDBERG, and ELISABETH HASSELBECK. He looks around, glancing at each of them. Signage printed with “The View” is prominently displayed on the curtain behind them.<\/p>\n
GOD<\/p>\n
Where am I? What happened? Am I still dreaming?<\/p>\n
WALTERS<\/p>\n
(to the camera)<\/p>\n
Welcome back to “The View.”<\/p>\n
GOD<\/p>\n
Christ, it’s a nightmare.<\/p>\n
God sighs and puts his head down on the table.<\/p>\n
WALTERS<\/p>\n
So, there is something that I’ve been meaning to ask you...<\/p>\n
GOD<\/p>\n
Yeah?<\/p>\n
All four women chime in simultaneously.<\/p>\n
WALTERS<\/p>\n
How do you explain the current economic downturn?<\/p>\n
BEHAR<\/p>\n
Can you explain the point of butt implants to me? Because I don’t get it. Really, why would you want to make your ass bigger?<\/p>\n
WHOOPI<\/p>\n
Do you know what its like to be a Black woman in this country?<\/p>\n
HASSELBECK<\/p>\n
Why does poop smell like poop?<\/p>\n
The women continue badgering God. God puts his hands over his ears and screams.<\/p>\n
GOD<\/p>\n
Aaaaarrrgh.<\/p>\n
SFX Flash.<\/p>\n
CUT TO:<\/p>\n
INT. SET OF “YO! MTV RAPS” – EARLY 1994<\/p>\n
God sits on a couch between a young SNOOP DOGG and SEAN “PUFFY” COMBS. Host FAB 5 FREDDY reclines in a chair off to the side. God sighs in relief but then looks down and notices his wardrobe: baggy pants, gold name plate that says GOD, backward baseball cap, and eye patch.<\/p>\n
GOD<\/p>\n
Is this a joke...<\/p>\n
God rips off the eye patch.<\/p>\n
FREDDY<\/p>\n
We’re always thanking him in our music, in our acceptance speeches, etcetera, so we thought we’d have him on the show. We’re here with our boy, God, to ask him a few questions ’bout life.<\/p>\n
Staring at Freddy, God pulls off the baseball cap and flattens his hair.<\/p>\n
FREDDY<\/p>\n
So, G tell us. Is hip hop going to take over the world?<\/p>\n
PUFFY<\/p>\n
Yeah, and, more importantly, are we gonna to win Grammies this year? 1994, baby!<\/p>\n
Puffy and Snoop Dogg chortle obnoxiously and do some type of cryptic handshake\/slap.<\/p>\n
GOD<\/p>\n
(looks at Freddy) No. (looks at Puffy) No. And get over yourselves. By the way, Tupac is dead. Or, he will be in... oh, two years.<\/p>\n
Freddy and Puffy look at each other in shock.<\/p>\n
GOD<\/p>\n
(to Puffy)<\/p>\n
And no matter how many times you change your name, you’ll still suck.<\/p>\n
SFX Flash.<\/p>\n
CUT TO:<\/p>\n
INT. SET OF “THE O’REILLY FACTOR” – PRESENT<\/p>\n
God, this time wearing his traditional white robe, sits across the table from BILL O’REILLY. God sighs and throws his head back in frustration.<\/p>\n
GOD<\/p>\n
Not you.<\/p>\n
O’REILLY<\/p>\n
I’m Bill O’Reilly, and this is the O’Reilly Factor. So, God, what’s with the gays?<\/p>\n
He looks at O’Reilly and shakes his head.<\/p>\n
GOD<\/p>\n
Son, you’re one of my biggest mistakes.<\/p>\n
JESUS, dressed as a production assistant, strolls by.<\/p>\n
JESUS<\/p>\n
Hey, Pops!<\/p>\n
God does a double take.<\/p>\n
SFX Flash.<\/p>\n
CUT TO:<\/p>\n
INT. ABC NEWS STUDIO<\/p>\n
Perplexed, God sits across from PETER JENNINGS. Jennings stares back at God in shock.<\/p>\n
GOD<\/p>\n
I thought you were dead.<\/p>\n
JENNINGS<\/p>\n
I thought you’d be clothed.<\/p>\n
God looks down to see himself naked. He frantically tries to cover himself with his beard and hair.<\/p>\n
SFX Flash.<\/p>\n
CUT TO:<\/p>\n
INT. CBS NEWS STUDIO<\/p>\n
Dressed in his white robe once again, God sits across from KATIE COURIC. He looks down at his watch.<\/p>\n
GOD<\/p>\n
Seriously, can we get on with this? I have some important smiting to get to when I wake up.<\/p>\n
Couric looks at him a bit confused.<\/p>\n
COURIC<\/p>\n
Well, I guess, we’ll just start with the big one, then. God... why are we here?<\/p>\n
God looks to either side of him.<\/p>\n
GOD<\/p>\n
That’s your question?<\/p>\n
COURIC<\/p>\n
That’s my question.<\/p>\n
GOD<\/p>\n
One minute.<\/p>\n
God closes his eyes and tenses his body.<\/p>\n
COURIC<\/p>\n
What are you doing?<\/p>\n
GOD<\/p>\n
Just a sec.<\/p>\n
He closes his eyes again, tensing his body harder. He cracks an eye open and looks around.<\/p>\n
COURIC<\/p>\n
Is there a problem?<\/p>\n
God opens his eyes and looks around, puzzled.<\/p>\n
COURIC<\/p>\n
Do you not want to answer the question or can’t you?<\/p>\n
GOD<\/p>\n
Can you just do me a favor? Pinch me. Real quick. Doesn’t have to be hard.<\/p>\n
COURIC<\/p>\n
Please...<\/p>\n
GOD<\/p>\n
Wait. So, we’re really here? In this studio? At this moment?<\/p>\n
COURIC<\/p>\n
We’re really here.<\/p>\n
GOD<\/p>\n
Not a dream? But Letterman said...<\/p>\n
COURIC<\/p>\n
I really don’t know what you’re talking about.<\/p>\n
GOD (CONT’D)<\/p>\n
Damn it. Lucifer must be screwing with me again.<\/p>\n
COURIC<\/p>\n
Please, just answer the question. Everyone wants to know... why are we here?<\/p>\n
GOD<\/p>\n
Hmm. (thinking; suddenly remembers) Oh, yeah. Forgot I could do that.<\/p>\n
God claps his hands together. In a FLASH and a loud THUNDERCLAP, Couric and the entire CBS News set disappear leaving an empty soundstage. God stands in the middle and proudly brushes off his hands.<\/p>\n
GOD<\/p>\n
On the eighth day, God destroyed the media. And, boy, it was good.<\/p>\n
BLACKOUT:<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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