{"id":119,"date":"2008-09-19T10:11:00","date_gmt":"2008-09-19T18:11:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wwwold.sketchwar.org\/?p=119"},"modified":"2008-09-19T10:11:00","modified_gmt":"2008-09-19T18:11:00","slug":"fsw-sports-edition-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/?p=119","title":{"rendered":"FSW: Sports Edition"},"content":{"rendered":"

Richard’s up with a basketball story that seems <\/em>strangely familiar<\/em><\/a>.<\/em>
<\/em>
Ken, the theme originator, brings us <\/em>three fans <\/em><\/a>who just want to believe in something.<\/em>
<\/em>
Dave’s<\/em><\/a> been absent the last couple of weeks, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t writing. He’s just not writing silly sketches.<\/em>
<\/em>
In honor of Richard’s recent good news, next week’s theme is Job Hunting<\/strong>.<\/em>
<\/em>
Here’s my stab at this week’s theme.<\/em>
<\/em>
<\/em>
American Dreamer<\/p>\n

(An elegant restaurant. Barry and Jill Hamilton are dressed for a night out.)<\/p>\n

Barry: Thanks for arranging this evening, honey. I can\u2019t remember the last time we got dressed up for a date.<\/p>\n

Jill: Well, I know you\u2019ve been working so hard, studying for your certification test. And since Barry, Jr. is old enough for a sitter, I thought we could use a night out.<\/p>\n

Barry: Can we afford this place?<\/p>\n

Jill: It\u2019s all taken care of.<\/p>\n

Maitre d\u2019: (With a wink to Jill) Right this way please.<\/p>\n

(He leads them to a back room, closed off from the rest of the restaurant by a curtain.)<\/p>\n

Barry: Our own, private room? How romantic.<\/p>\n

Maitre d\u2019: Enjoy.<\/p>\n

(The Maitre d\u2019 pulls back the curtain to reveal Earl and Edith Hamilton, Barry\u2019s parents. Helen and Gary Whiteman, Jill\u2019s parents. They are all seated in a circle. There is no table.)<\/p>\n

Edith: Surprise!<\/p>\n

Earl: Goddamn it, Edith, it isn\u2019t his birthday.<\/p>\n

Barry: What\u2019s all this?<\/p>\n

(Jill sits leaving one chair for Barry.)<\/p>\n

Earl: Son, we need to talk to you. And you need to listen. Please, sit down.<\/p>\n

(Barry reluctantly does so.)<\/p>\n

Barry: Honey, what\u2019s going on?<\/p>\n

Gary: What\u2019s going on is, we\u2019re not going to let you ruin your life any longer.<\/p>\n

Helen: Easy, Gary. We\u2019re here as ambassadors of love and support, Barry.<\/p>\n

Gary: Jesus Christ.<\/p>\n

Helen: What? That\u2019s what Dr. Phil says when he presides over an intervention.<\/p>\n

Barry: This is an intervention? For me? For what? I\u2019m not a drug user. I\u2019m not having an affair. I don\u2019t gamble. Why does my life need intervening?<\/p>\n

Earl: It\u2019s about your future, son. Your career choice.<\/p>\n

Barry: What about it?<\/p>\n

Edith: Well, we just think, and it\u2019s not because we\u2019re not proud of you, we are, but we think you need to take a good look at what your goals are in this life and realize that you’re never going to achieve them.<\/p>\n

Barry: I’m going to be a teacher, mom. My goals are to help educate the leaders of tomorrow.<\/p>\n

Edith: (To the Whitemans) We thought it was a phase.<\/p>\n

Barry: I\u2019m sorry you don\u2019t approve of my career path, but I have a chance to make a difference in this world. The United States ranks 18th out of 24 nations in education. Over 50% of students can\u2019t even find Iraq on a map. And don\u2019t even get me started on spelling and grammar.<\/p>\n

Helen: You\u2019re never going to be able to raise a family on a teacher\u2019s salary.<\/p>\n

Edith: And what happens if a student shoots you?<\/p>\n

Gary: Hell, it\u2019s fine if you\u2019re a spinster or a homo or someone who\u2019s never going to have kids, but you\u2019ve got responsibilities now.<\/p>\n

Barry: Gary, I\u2019m not going to argue with you there. I would do anything for Jill and Barry, Jr., but material wealth isn\u2019t very high on our priority list.<\/p>\n

Helen: Oh really?<\/p>\n

(Helen nudges Jill with her elbow.)<\/p>\n

Jill: Look, honey, I have needs. And some of those needs have to be met with Gucci and Prada and Gap.<\/p>\n

Helen: And that\u2019s just for the baby.<\/p>\n

Barry: But, you told me you didn\u2019t care about those things. You said we could live in a tent under a bridge as long as we were together.<\/p>\n

Jill: I\u2019d just had four orgasms, Barry. You could have told me that we were going to live on an Amish farm and I would have gone along with it.<\/p>\n

Helen: Four? Really?<\/p>\n

Gary: Well she\u2019s not with him because he\u2019s a provider, that\u2019s for sure.<\/p>\n

Earl: Look, son, we\u2019re here today because we\u2019ve enrolled you as a walk on at Cubs spring training.<\/p>\n

Barry: You what?<\/p>\n

Edith: Honey, base salary for professional baseball players is close to $400,000 a year.<\/p>\n

Gary: And that\u2019s just for the ones that suck.<\/p>\n

Edith: The average is closer to $2.5 million.<\/p>\n

Gary: You could ride the pine all year and still make a great salary.<\/p>\n

Barry: But I haven\u2019t played baseball since high school.<\/p>\n

Earl: That\u2019s why Gary and I have agreed to help get you in shape.<\/p>\n

(He pulls out a baseball mitt and ball.)<\/p>\n

Gary: It\u2019s the American Dream, Barry.<\/p>\n

Barry: Because American\u2019s are lazy and would rather play a stupid game than roll up their sleeves and work.<\/p>\n

Gary: Cool your jets there, comrade. I didn\u2019t spend three years of my life burying land mines along the MeKong so you could bad mouth patriots.<\/p>\n

Barry: Actually\u2026<\/p>\n

Edith: Honey, we just want you to give it a try. A couple of years is all we\u2019re asking.<\/p>\n

Helen: Heck, the average career span is only something like five years anyhow.<\/p>\n

Earl: You could be back in the classroom before your 30th birthday.<\/p>\n

Gary: And with a sizable nest egg to boot.<\/p>\n

Jill: Don\u2019t you think Barry, Jr. would be so proud to have a father who was a real, live, major league, baseball player?<\/p>\n

Barry: Well, I suppose it would be cool to be part of the American Pastime. To play in some of the same stadiums as Ruth and DiMaggio.<\/p>\n

Gary: They\u2019ve torn most of the old parks\u2026<\/p>\n

Earl: (Waving Gary off) Ah-ah-ah. (To Barry) That\u2019s the spirit, son.<\/p>\n

Barry: And we\u2019d get to travel. See the country.<\/p>\n

Jill: Think of all the history we could soak up when we play Philadelphia.<\/p>\n

Earl: Or the Senators.<\/p>\n

Gary: You could give your students firsthand accounts of all the major cities\u2019 finest museums.<\/p>\n

Barry: Okay. I\u2019ll do it!<\/p>\n

(Everyone cheers and hugs one another.)<\/p>\n

Earl: I\u2019m proud of you son.<\/p>\n

Helen: (To Jill) Oh, honey, I\u2019m so happy for you. Your son will have a nanny.<\/p>\n

Barry: I just\u2026<\/p>\n

Edith: What is it, dear?<\/p>\n

Barry: Well, what if I don\u2019t make the team?<\/p>\n

Earl: We\u2019ve already planned for that.<\/p>\n

Helen: You\u2019re going to be a reality TV star.<\/p>\n

Jill: A camera crew is going to follow you all through spring training.<\/p>\n

Gary: \u201cMajor League Dreamer\u201d.<\/p>\n

Edith: We\u2019ve also already sold the movie rights to your story.<\/p>\n

Earl: Edith! I thought we were going to save that for Christmas.<\/p>\n

Barry: Wow. You guys have thought of everything. When do we start?<\/p>\n

Jill: We already have.<\/p>\n

(She points to a large two-way mirror on the wall.)<\/p>\n

Barry: Sweet. Well, dad, what do you say we have a catch?<\/p>\n

Earl: I\u2019d love to son.<\/p>\n

(Earl throws the ball at Barry, who misses it and it hits him in the face. A man steps out from behind a curtain.)<\/p>\n

Director: Hold it. Stop tape. Earl, throw the ball again, but this time at his nads. Barry, let it hit you. Roll tape!<\/p>\n

(He ducks behind the curtain. Earl looks at Barry and shrugs.)<\/p>\n

Barry: Wait, can\u2019t we talk about-<\/p>\n

(Earl beans Barry in the beans. He doubles over. The Director pops out.)<\/p>\n

Director: Perfect! We\u2019re minting gold here, people, gold. Moving on!<\/p>\n

BLACKOUT<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Richard’s up with a basketball story that seems strangely familiar.Ken, the theme originator, brings us three fans who just want to believe in something.Dave’s been absent the last couple of weeks, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t writing. He’s just not writing silly sketches.In honor of Richard’s recent good news, next week’s theme is Job […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[15,182],"class_list":["post-119","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches","tag-american-dream","tag-sketch-war"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/119","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=119"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/119\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=119"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=119"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=119"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}