{"id":117,"date":"2008-09-18T22:34:00","date_gmt":"2008-09-19T06:34:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wwwold.sketchwar.org\/?p=117"},"modified":"2008-09-18T22:34:00","modified_gmt":"2008-09-19T06:34:00","slug":"fsw-sports-edition","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/?p=117","title":{"rendered":"FSW: Sports Edition"},"content":{"rendered":"

Thank God its Friday Sketch War!!!<\/span><\/p>\n

So I chose the theme for the week – and I went with something to take our minds off politics and failing financial giants….SPORTS!!!<\/span><\/p>\n

I’ll update links to the other sketches as combatants enter the arena, but here’s my offering….a tribute to fans of bad NFL teams everywhere (I know your pain :).<\/span><\/p>\n

UPDATE: <\/strong>Richard shows us which candidate(s) have game<\/a> and Michael helped us on a new career path<\/a>, which shows some serious esp, since Richard has given us “Job Hunting” for next weeks theme.<\/p>\n

P.S. – Congrats to Richard on his upcoming release from hell…I mean 2 week countdown to departure from his current job!!! WOOHOOO!<\/em><\/span>_________________________________________________________________<\/p>\n

INT. – SPORTS BAR – DAY<\/p>\n

Rod, Gary and Frank – 3 middle aged, balding, mustached, overweight men – sit at a table, wearing football jerseys, faces painted in team colors, wearing baseball caps for their favorite team. The table is littered with the remains of beers, hot wings, popcorn, peanuts, and several other paper-covered plastic baskets that contained foods we can only imagine. These are superfans, but now they sit, staring at an unseen television, mouths agape as if they just witnessed the most horrific accident in the history of man in close-up slow motion.<\/em>
<\/span>
ROD<\/u><\/strong>
Hol-eeeeee shit.<\/p>\n

GARY<\/u><\/strong>
63 to 2<\/p>\n

ROD<\/strong>
<\/u>Hol-eeeeeeee shit.<\/p>\n

FRANK<\/strong>
<\/u>How\u2019d we even score 2?<\/p>\n

GARY<\/strong>
<\/u>The other team deliberately dropped the ball in their own end zone…<\/p>\n

ROD<\/strong> <\/u>
Holeeeeee…<\/p>\n

GARY<\/strong>
<\/u>…one of our guys tripped and accidentally fell on it.<\/p>\n

ROD<\/strong> <\/u>
shit.<\/p>\n

FRANK<\/u><\/strong>
This is the worst. 4 lousy losing seasons, 3 number one draft picks, and we still get the ever-loving-crap kicked out of us on Monday Night Football.<\/p>\n

ROD<\/strong>
<\/u>This team sucks balls.<\/p>\n

GARY<\/strong>
<\/u>Big ones<\/p>\n

FRANK<\/strong>
<\/u>Big hairy ones<\/p>\n

ROD<\/strong> <\/u>
Sweaty and hairy<\/p>\n

GARY<\/strong>
<\/u>And dangly….big sweaty hairy dangly loser balls.<\/p>\n

FRANK<\/strong>
<\/u>That\u2019s the kind of balls this team sucks.<\/p>\n

ROD<\/strong>
<\/u>Goddamn Ball suckers<\/p>\n

GARY<\/strong>
<\/u>They can\u2019t get any worse.<\/p>\n

ROD<\/strong> <\/u>
Bottom feeding ballsuckers<\/p>\n

FRANK<\/strong> <\/u>
We said that last year.<\/p>\n

GARY<\/strong>
<\/u>We did?<\/p>\n

FRANK<\/strong> <\/u>
And the year before.<\/p>\n

ROD<\/strong>
<\/u>Chronic bottom feeding ball suckers<\/p>\n

GARY<\/strong>
<\/u>Shit.<\/p>\n

GARY<\/strong> pauses a moment…they sit in silence, depressed, until an idea hits GARY<\/strong><\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

GARY<\/strong> (CONT)
<\/u>You know what? I\u2019m through.<\/p>\n

FRANK<\/strong> <\/u>
Through?<\/p>\n

ROD<\/u><\/strong>
You mean with the wings?<\/p>\n

GARY<\/strong> <\/u>
Nah….I\u2019m done being a fan. I will never cheer for this lousy stinkin\u2019 team ever again.<\/p>\n

GARY<\/strong> throws his baseball cap on the table and starts wiping colored makeup off his face<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

FRANK<\/strong>
<\/u>You gonna switch to some other team?<\/p>\n

GARY<\/strong> <\/u>
Fuck that….I mean I\u2019m done, period. End of story. No more football, ever.<\/p>\n

ROD<\/strong> <\/u>
Holeeeeee shit!<\/p>\n

GARY<\/strong>
<\/u>Think about it…what has football ever given us?<\/p>\n

FRANK<\/strong>
<\/u>Heartburn<\/p>\n

ROD<\/strong> <\/u>
Depression<\/p>\n

FRANK<\/strong> <\/u>
Suffering<\/p>\n

ROD<\/u><\/strong>
And sorrow<\/p>\n

GARY<\/strong>
<\/u>Right….and what have you given to football?<\/p>\n

FRANK<\/u><\/strong>
Piles of money<\/p>\n

ROD<\/strong> <\/u>
Every Sunday from September to February.<\/p>\n

FRANK<\/strong>
<\/u>Those Monday nights too.<\/p>\n

ROD<\/strong> <\/u>
My youth<\/p>\n

FRANK<\/u><\/strong>
My waistline<\/p>\n

ROD<\/strong>
<\/u>My pre-spastic colon<\/p>\n

GARY<\/strong>
<\/u>I lost my first wife because of football.<\/p>\n

ROD<\/strong>
<\/u>Yeah?<\/p>\n

GARY<\/strong>
<\/u>And my second.<\/p>\n

FRANK<\/strong> <\/u>
My wife barely talks to me any more…and we ain\u2019t had sex in two years.<\/p>\n

ROD<\/u><\/strong>
Football?<\/p>\n

FRANK<\/strong>
<\/u>Damn straight – she wanted to have sex this time two years ago when a game was on, and I ignored her.<\/p>\n

ROD<\/strong> <\/u>
Shit<\/p>\n

FRANK<\/strong>
<\/u>So she went and dressed up like a cheerleader, then bounced around doing splits…I got pissed cause she was wearing the wrong colors and blocking the screen.<\/p>\n

ROD<\/u><\/strong>
Shit<\/p>\n

FRANK<\/strong>
<\/u>So she leaves, comes back in, butt naked this time, bouncing around doing splits…<\/p>\n

GARY<\/strong> <\/u>
And…?<\/p>\n

FRANK<\/strong> <\/u>
You guys have seen my wife – naked was not step up. I haven\u2019t watched a game at home since.<\/p>\n

ROD<\/strong>
<\/u>Shit<\/p>\n

GARY<\/u><\/strong>
What about you Rod?<\/p>\n

ROD<\/strong>
<\/u>What about what?<\/p>\n

FRANK<\/strong>
<\/u>Football made any girl trouble for you?<\/p>\n

ROD<\/strong> looks like a deer in the headlights<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

ROD<\/strong>
<\/u>No…no issues with, um, girls, at all<\/p>\n

GARY<\/u><\/strong>
Look…let\u2019s make a pact….right here, right now, the three of us…NO MORE FOOTBALL<\/p>\n

ROD<\/strong> AND FRANK<\/strong>
<\/u>(in unison)
<\/span><\/em>NO MORE FOOTBALL!!!<\/p>\n

GARY<\/strong>
<\/u>We\u2019ll find other things to get exited about<\/p>\n

FRANK<\/strong>
<\/u>To dedicate our lives to!<\/p>\n

ROD<\/strong>
<\/u>To get fanatical about!<\/p>\n

GARY<\/strong> <\/u>
Other reasons to drink beer!<\/p>\n

FRANK<\/strong> <\/u>
To eat nachos!<\/p>\n

ROD<\/strong> <\/u>
To dress up<\/p>\n

FRANK<\/strong> and GARY<\/strong> look at ROD<\/strong> for a moment, thinking about that one<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

GARY<\/strong>
<\/u>We\u2019ll talk about other things<\/p>\n

FRANK<\/u><\/strong>
Watch something besides ESPN!<\/p>\n

ROD<\/strong>
<\/u>Read other parts of the paper!<\/p>\n

GARY<\/u><\/strong>
We don\u2019t need football to be men, do we?<\/p>\n

ROD<\/strong> AND FRANK<\/strong><\/u>
HELL NO!!!<\/p>\n

GARY<\/strong>
<\/u>We\u2019ll be the type of men who lived before football was invented!<\/p>\n

FRANK<\/strong> <\/u>
We\u2019ll read books!<\/p>\n

GARY<\/u><\/strong>
Watch plays<\/p>\n

ROD<\/u><\/strong>
Go dancing!<\/p>\n

FRANK<\/strong>
<\/u>Debate issues!<\/p>\n

GARY<\/strong>
<\/u>Explore shit!<\/p>\n

ROD<\/strong> <\/u>
Go dancing!<\/p>\n

GARY<\/u><\/strong>
And never, ever, EVER again will we let some stupid silly game control our emotions, wreck our self esteem<\/p>\n

FRANK<\/strong> <\/u>
Make us dress up like idiots<\/p>\n

ROD<\/u><\/strong>
Shout like retarded cavemen<\/p>\n

GARY<\/strong> <\/u>
Or dictate our schedules and isolate us in dingy bars. And never again will football come between us and our children…<\/p>\n

FRANK<\/strong>
<\/u>Our wives…<\/p>\n

ROD<\/u><\/strong>
Our parents…<\/p>\n

GARY<\/strong>
<\/u>A-fucking-men! From now on it\u2019s real conversations about real shit with the people we care about….OR NOTHING!!!<\/p>\n

GARY<\/strong> raises a near empty beer mug, the other follow suit<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

GARY<\/strong>
<\/u>Gentlemen…..FUCK FOOTBALL!!!<\/p>\n

ROD<\/strong> <\/u>
(in unison)<\/span><\/em>
FUCK FOOTBALL!!!<\/p>\n

They clink glasses and chug down the last swigs of beer in their mugs. They slam the mugs down on the table in triumph. Then, as they look around at each other, they become aware of how quiet it is. Each tries a few times to think of something to say, starts to say something to the others, then thinks about it, and doesn\u2019t say a word. All three look at each other with a growing sadness, frustration and fear.<\/p>\n

GARY<\/strong> finally breaks the silence.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

GARY<\/strong>
<\/u>Uhhhh….<\/p>\n

ROD<\/strong> and FRANK<\/strong> hang on for his next word.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

GARY<\/strong>
<\/u>Who do we play next week?<\/p>\n

ROD<\/strong>
<\/u>New Orleans<\/p>\n

GARY<\/strong>
<\/u>Oh hell yeah, we should be able to kick the shit out of them!!!<\/p>\n

Animated excited conversation resumes<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

BLACK OUT<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Thank God its Friday Sketch War!!! So I chose the theme for the week – and I went with something to take our minds off politics and failing financial giants….SPORTS!!! I’ll update links to the other sketches as combatants enter the arena, but here’s my offering….a tribute to fans of bad NFL teams everywhere (I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[73,76,192],"class_list":["post-117","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches","tag-friday-sketch-war","tag-fsw","tag-sports"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/117","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=117"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/117\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=117"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=117"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=117"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}