I think I started pretty strong, built nicely to a really cool visual, and then petered out. Oh well. Enjoy the laughs it provides and dream of a better ending.<\/p>\n
INT. IRS OFFICE – DAY<\/p>\n
CLARK FRENELL (40s, gray suit, his picture is next to “ectomorph” in the dictionary) stands a respectful distance behind DEATH, hand on the doorknob to leave.<\/p>\n
CLARK<\/p>\n
...then I’ll expect you back here, with those receipts, Tuesday morning.<\/p>\n
DEATH<\/p>\n
I told you, I’m not sure I know where they all are.<\/p>\n
CLARK<\/p>\n
That might be a problem, Mister Death. The United States government doesn’t look kindly on tax cheats.<\/p>\n
Death spins his head around 180 degrees to face Clark.<\/p>\n
DEATH<\/p>\n
Now just a minute! I’m not a cheat! Those are legitimate travel expens--<\/p>\n
CLARK<\/p>\n
--and the Office of Homeland Security might be interested in all that travel abroad as well.<\/p>\n
(Beat)<\/p>\n
Nine A.M. Mister Death. Don’t be late.<\/p>\n
Death storms out in a cloud of dust, slamming the door behind him. Clark coughs in the wake and reopens the door.<\/p>\n
CLARK (CONT’D)<\/p>\n
(Calling off)<\/p>\n
Margaret, please send in my next appointment.<\/p>\n
Into the room flounces the TOOTH FAIRY (20s, petite girl in a tutu and wings) who clasps Clark’s hand and pumps it vigorously.<\/p>\n
TOOTH FAIRY<\/p>\n
It’s so nice to see you again, Clark!<\/p>\n
CLARK<\/p>\n
We’ve never met.<\/p>\n
TOOTH FAIRY<\/p>\n
Oh, I’ve met you!<\/p>\n
Tooth Fairy points to various teeth in Clark’s mouth<\/p>\n
TOOTH FAIRY (CONT’D)<\/p>\n
Nickel, nickel, dime, dime, dime, and those two right there...<\/p>\n
...Tooth Fairy actually touches Clark’s two front teeth.<\/p>\n
TOOTH FAIRY (CONT’D)<\/p>\n
...a Kennedy half-dollar right before Christmas of ’71.<\/p>\n
CLARK<\/p>\n
(Wistfully)<\/p>\n
That’s all I wanted for Christmas that year.<\/p>\n
He shakes off the nostalgia and heads to his chair.<\/p>\n
CLARK (CONT’D)<\/p>\n
Have a seat. So Ms. Fairy--<\/p>\n
TOOTH FAIRY<\/p>\n
--Call me Bertha.<\/p>\n
CLARK<\/p>\n
Bertha? Really? Okay. Bertha, your government has a few questions about this tax return of yours.<\/p>\n
Clark opens a manila folder. Glitter flies everywhere, with glockenspiel accompaniment.<\/p>\n
TOOTH FAIRY<\/p>\n
Oh yes, my attorneys advised me to file that. Is there a problem?<\/p>\n
CLARK<\/p>\n
A problem? A problem? Ms. Fairy--<\/p>\n
TOOTH FAIRY<\/p>\n
--Bertha.<\/p>\n
CLARK<\/p>\n
Bertha, there are numerous inconsistencies. Not the least of which is that you’d never filed a return prior to this year. And you claimed operating expenses of...<\/p>\n
...flipping through the folder...<\/p>\n
CLARK (CONT’D)<\/p>\n
...Two-hundred and seventy-five million dollars last year?<\/p>\n
TOOTH FAIRY<\/p>\n
That sounds about right.<\/p>\n
CLARK<\/p>\n
But provided no receipts.<\/p>\n
TOOTH FAIRY<\/p>\n
Oh! I have those right here.<\/p>\n
Tooth Fairy begins twirling her MAGIC WAND.<\/p>\n
CLARK<\/p>\n
Did you have that wand when you walked in?<\/p>\n
With much glitter, much glockenspiel, and a puff of smoke, a file box appears.<\/p>\n
TOOTH FAIRY<\/p>\n
This is just the first box. I don’t want to overwhelm you!<\/p>\n
CLARK<\/p>\n
I apprecia--<\/p>\n
Tooth Fairy opens the box and dumps THOUSANDS OF TEETH on Clark’s desk and picks one up, seemingly at random.<\/p>\n
TOOTH FAIRY<\/p>\n
This was Antoine Johnson’s canine. Times are tight--<\/p>\n
CLARK<\/p>\n
--the recession’s hit everybody--<\/p>\n
TOOTH FAIRY<\/p>\n
--but Antoine got a quarter for this.<\/p>\n
Another tooth from the pile.<\/p>\n
TOOTH FAIRY (CONT’D)<\/p>\n
Luisa Almodovar’s bicuspid. She tried to tie me up and take video with her cellphone, but I still left her a Euro.<\/p>\n
Another tooth.<\/p>\n
TOOTH FAIRY (CONT’D)<\/p>\n
This was from one of Angelina Jolie’s adopted children. I had to get out of there fast before her mother tried to adopt me.<\/p>\n
CLARK<\/p>\n
Fine, fine. You’ve got receipts. But what about your revenue?<\/p>\n
TOOTH FAIRY<\/p>\n
I’m grant funded by magical elves. Same as Santa.<\/p>\n
CLARK<\/p>\n
You know Santa?<\/p>\n
TOOTH FAIRY<\/p>\n
We have the same accountant. Barry Edelstein.<\/p>\n
CLARK<\/p>\n
Alright, but none of that explains why you’ve never filed before.<\/p>\n
TOOTH FAIRY<\/p>\n
I used to live in Belize – favorable banking laws – but Barry convinced me to move here and incorporate in Delaware. All the magical beings are doing it.<\/p>\n
CLARK<\/p>\n
Alright, I have no more questions for today. But we’re watching you, Tooth Fairy.<\/p>\n
TOOTH FAIRY<\/p>\n
Do you validate?<\/p>\n
BLACKOUT:<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I think I started pretty strong, built nicely to a really cool visual, and then petered out. Oh well. Enjoy the laughs it provides and dream of a better ending. [fountain] INT. IRS OFFICE – DAY CLARK FRENELL (40s, gray suit, his picture is next to “ectomorph” in the dictionary) stands a respectful distance behind […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[212],"class_list":["post-1061","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches","tag-the-taxman-cometh"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1061","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1061"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1061\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1061"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1061"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1061"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}