{"id":105,"date":"2008-08-28T16:30:00","date_gmt":"2008-08-29T00:30:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wwwold.sketchwar.org\/?p=105"},"modified":"2008-08-28T16:30:00","modified_gmt":"2008-08-29T00:30:00","slug":"fsw-green-witches","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/?p=105","title":{"rendered":"FSW: Green Witches"},"content":{"rendered":"
Well….here’s my second salvo in the fabulous Friday Sketch Wars. This time, I decided to get medieval on someone’s ass! (might have something to do with the fact I’m in an Improvised Shakespeare show Friday night, and an improviosed Tarantino show Saturday night).<\/em><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/em><\/span><\/div>\n
Anyway….our theme this week was “Gatherings” – I’ll update links as soon as the other combatants report in!<\/em><\/span><\/div>\n
____________________________________________________________________________________<\/span><\/em><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
<\/p>\n

EXT. – A CLEARING IN A CREEPY FOREST – NIGHT<\/span><\/strong><\/em>
Lightning and thunder above, a big cauldron sits in the clearing, wolves howl, unseen critters scamper past in the dark, the sound of bat-wings flapping overhead, and only a thin shaft of moonlight reveals anything more than the black silhouettes of twisted ancient trees.<\/p>\n

HILDA, and old scraggly woman with a crooked nose, long straggly gray hair, slightly green skin, huge hair warts om her face, gnarled hands, wearing a long tattered ratty black dress and pointy black hat, enters from out of the woods with the use of a gnarled wooden stick as a cane. She is carrying a burlap sack filled with stuff.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

HILDA<\/u><\/strong>
The creatures of darkness stir and cry out for mischief! The skies blacken and split…the time for evil has come!<\/p>\n

HILDA waves her hands at the cauldron and a fire bursts out under it. Steam also starts rising from whatever is in the cauldron<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

HILDA<\/strong> <\/u>
Come forth my sisters and join me now! Bring forth your gifts and place them in our cauldron – let now our machinations begin!<\/p>\n

HELGA who looks like a variation on HILDA comes out of the woods, carrying a similar sack.<\/em>
<\/span><\/p>\n

HELGA<\/strong> <\/u>
Run cold blood, and good cheer flee
When joined in mischief, we sisters three!<\/p>\n

HARPA now enters from the woods, the third sister, with another sack<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

HARPA<\/strong> <\/u>
By raven\u2019s caw, and toadlet\u2019s croak,
Mother night our dark deeds cloak<\/p>\n

HILDA<\/strong> <\/u>
To our labors bend your mind,
A poor souls fate we must unwind<\/p>\n

All three gather around the cauldron and pull items from their sacks<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

HELGA<\/strong>
<\/u>The fingers of a baby abandoned to die<\/p>\n

HELGA dumps them in the cauldron, and a puff of steam belches out of the cauldron<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

HILDA<\/strong> <\/u>
Festering meat from a possum\u2019s thigh<\/p>\n

HILDA dumps it in – another belch<\/em>
<\/span>
HARPA<\/strong> <\/u>
Nightshade planted on Hallow\u2019s eve<\/p>\n

Dump…belch<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

HELGA<\/strong> <\/u>
The tears of a widow, shed as she grieved<\/p>\n

Dump…belch<\/em><\/p>\n

HILDA<\/strong> <\/u>
Fang of an adder that struck a priest<\/p>\n

Dump…belch<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

HARPA<\/strong>
<\/u>Organically farmed wormwood brought from the east.<\/p>\n

HILDA and HELGA look at each other upon hearing this.<\/p>\n

HARPA starts to dump it in….HILDA stops her hand with her cane-stick<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

HILDA<\/strong>
<\/u>Wait….what didst thou say?<\/p>\n

HARPA<\/strong>
<\/u>Ummmm…..organically farmed wormwood brought from the east.<\/p>\n

HILDA<\/strong>
<\/u>Why not regular old wormwood?<\/p>\n

HELGA<\/u><\/strong>
From the east?<\/p>\n

HARPA<\/strong> <\/u>
This tis much better….for twas grown without pesticides or chemicals. So tis better for the environment, and healthier to eat.<\/p>\n

HILDA<\/strong> <\/u>
Wormwood is a poison…eating it doth kill a man in minutes.<\/p>\n

HARPA<\/strong> <\/u>
All the more reason to go organic….why wouldst one want more toxins in something already so lethal?<\/p>\n

HILDA<\/strong>
<\/u>Enough of this. I didst agree when you wanted to use only free-range newt in our potions….<\/p>\n

HELGA<\/strong> <\/u>
And when thou didst say the cauldron should only be lit after 7pm on hot days to reduce airborne pollutants…<\/p>\n

HILDA<\/strong>
<\/u>AND when thou didst say we needed to stop making the gingerbread houses we use to entrap children out of refined sugar, and use the raw brown stuff instead…<\/p>\n

HELGA<\/strong>
<\/u>Looks like bad stucco.<\/p>\n

HILDA<\/strong> <\/u>
But this is beyond all measure of reason.<\/p>\n

HARPA<\/strong> <\/u>
Good Hilda, we must consider said things….we doth live in the woods and useth the plants of the earth for all our work….we shouldst be the first to consider about what servers environment and the people the best.

HELGA<\/u><\/strong>
<\/u>I miss serving people, especially to other people.<\/p>\n

HILDA glares at HELGA, who smiles and quietly slinks back behind HILDA<\/em>
<\/span>
HILDA<\/strong>
<\/u>Harpa, I hat a business to run here. People doth pay us to put curses upon their enemies, to make people fall in love with them, or foretell their futures. They carest not if the person we turn into a frog for them gets cancer<\/p>\n

HARPA<\/strong>
<\/u>Hath they said that to you?<\/p>\n

HELGA<\/strong>
<\/u>Frog cancer tis so sad<\/p>\n

HILDA<\/u><\/strong>
<\/u>They doth not NEED to say it! People do not have other people turned into frogs because they wisheth them health and happiness!!!<\/p>\n

HELGA<\/strong> <\/u>
Yeah, but frog cancer tis sooooooo sad<\/p>\n

HILDA smacks HELGA in the head<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

HILDA<\/u><\/strong>
Who\u2019s side art thou on???<\/p>\n

HARPA<\/u><\/strong>
I know it doth cost more but…<\/p>\n

HILDA<\/strong>
<\/u>Costs? What dost thou mean, cost? What didst thou pay for that?<\/p>\n

HARPA<\/strong> <\/u>
Twas just a little bit more than….<\/p>\n

HILDA<\/strong>
<\/u>WHAT DIDST THOU PAY FOR IT?<\/p>\n

HARPA<\/strong>
<\/u>Three dracmas.<\/p>\n

HILDA fumes<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

HARPA (CONT)<\/strong>
<\/u>Tis not too bad<\/p>\n

HILDA<\/strong>
<\/u>Regular wormwood is free!!! Thou mayst go and pick it up off the ground! It doth grow wild in the forest!<\/p>\n

HARPA<\/strong>
<\/u>True but who doth know what it hath been treated with, or what sort of pesticides are on it.<\/p>\n

HILDA<\/strong> <\/u>
Tis free!!! It could be buried in pig poop, and WE WOULD NOT CARE!!! We put it in a boiling cauldron and make potions with it! POTIONS THAT DO EVIL THINGS TO PEOPLE!!!!<\/p>\n

HARPA<\/strong> <\/u>
Surely thou wouldst not want a potion to taste like pig poop?<\/p>\n

HILDA<\/strong> <\/u>
WHY NOT? TIS AN EVIL POTION!!!! GIVEN TO SOMEONE THAT SOMEONE ELSE DOESN\u2019T LIKE TO SOMETHING EVIL TO THEM!!! WHY SHOULDN\u2019T IT NOT TASTE EVIL???<\/p>\n

HELGA<\/u><\/strong>
Pig poop dot
\nh taste more nasty than it doth taste evil.<\/p>\n

HILDA<\/strong>
<\/u>THOU ART AN IDIOT!!!<\/p>\n

Everyone pauses a moment….catching their breath. HARPA finally breaks the silence, resigned<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

HARPA<\/strong> <\/u>
Fine….no more shall I bring organic ingredients for potion-making.<\/p>\n

HILDA<\/u><\/strong>
<\/u>Good<\/p>\n

HARPA<\/strong>
<\/u>I shalt stop suggesting uses for the rest of the lizard after we use it\u2019s tongue for curses.<\/p>\n

HILDA<\/strong>
<\/u>Thank you<\/p>\n

HARPA<\/strong>
<\/u>And never more shall I bring up all the reasons we shouldst fly hemp-brooms instead of straw-brooms ever again, even though straw tis a resource intensive crop and has to be shipped in from…<\/p>\n

HILDA<\/strong> <\/u>
KNOCKST IT OFF!<\/p>\n

HARPA<\/strong> <\/u>
Sorry…old habit<\/p>\n

HILDA<\/strong> <\/u>
Darest not let it happen again. Now, mayst we finish this potion and go home?<\/p>\n

HARPA isn\u2019t happy, but recovers herself and goes back to the cauldron<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

HARPA<\/strong>
<\/u>Wormwood, that may or may not be organic, brought from the east<\/p>\n

Dump….belch<\/em>
<\/span>
HILDA<\/strong>
<\/u>Wing of bat that has freshly fed<\/p>\n

HELGA<\/strong>
<\/u>Rust from the axe that takes men\u2019s heads….

A knight, SIR ELDRIDGE, enters carrying a torch in one hand an a sword in the other wearing chain mail, a helmet, and a tunic with a royal looking crest on it<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

SIR ELDRIDGE<\/u><\/strong>
Halt Hags! Stay where thou art, and movest not!!!<\/p>\n

The sisters all freeze, scared of SIR ELDRIDGE<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

SIR ELDRIDGE (CONT)<\/u><\/strong>
I am from his Majesty\u2019s Environmental Protection Agency. We hath heard rumors of potions being illegally dumped in these woods. Dost know of such a thing?<\/p>\n

All of the witches respond with \u201coh no, haven\u2019t heard of anything like that\u201d, \u201cdidn\u2019t see anyone dumping\u201d, \u201chow rude\u201d, \u201cthe nerve of some people\u201d, etc.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

SIR ELDRIDGE (CONT)<\/u><\/strong>
His Majesty\u2019s fish pond hath been fouled with a frog-making potion that didst smell of pig poop……<\/p>\n

Again the witches respond over the of each other \u201cof how awful\u201d, \u201chow inconsiderate\u201d, etc.)<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

SIR ELDRIDGE (CONT)<\/strong>
<\/u>Pray tell hags, what manner of potion be this?<\/p>\n

HILDA<\/strong>
<\/u>Tis but a generic potion….more like a potion base<\/p>\n

HELGA<\/u><\/strong>
Potion starter<\/p>\n

Sir Eldridge sniffs it<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

SIR ELDRIDGE<\/u><\/strong>
Methinks it doth smell vaguely of pig droppings<\/p>\n

HARPA<\/strong>
<\/u>Oh no kind sir, you must be mistaken. For this potion doth use only organic ingredients.<\/p>\n

Sir Eldridge considers this for a moment<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

SIR ELDRIDGE<\/strong>
<\/u>Doth not organic ingredients cost a great deal more?<\/p>\n

HARPA<\/strong>
<\/u>Aye, they do, but we feel the result be worth the price, and we doth simply charge those buying potions slightly more.<\/p>\n

SIR ELDRIDGE<\/u><\/strong>
In truth, I\u2019d pay more for an organic potion. Sir Halston didst purchase a common frog-making potion which he gave to his enemy, the Black Knight of Leeds. Turned the Knight into a frog, AND didst give him frog cancer.

HELGA<\/u><\/strong>
<\/u>How sad<\/p>\n

SIR ELDRIDGE<\/u><\/strong>
\u2018Tis true. Sir Halston didst ends his days wracked with guilt. Pray thee, let me watch thee make thy organic potion.<\/p>\n

HARPA<\/strong>
<\/u>Thou art welcome to watch Sir knight, is he not good sisters.<\/p>\n

HELGA and HILDA answer \u201coh yes\u201d, \u201csure\u201d, etc. HILDA looks annoyed at HARPA, but has no choice but to go on<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

HARPA<\/strong>
<\/u>Organically farmed wormwood, brought from the east<\/p>\n

HILDA<\/strong> <\/u>
Eye of…..free range…newt<\/p>\n

SIR ELDRIDGE<\/strong>
<\/u>Dost thou keep the rest of the newt after using only it\u2019s eye?<\/p>\n

HELGA<\/strong>
<\/u>Aye, we make newt bread out of it<\/p>\n

SIR ELDRIDGE<\/u><\/strong>
My mother didst make the most wondrous newt bread in my youth, with walnuts and raisins!<\/p>\n

FADE OUT.<\/span><\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Well….here’s my second salvo in the fabulous Friday Sketch Wars. This time, I decided to get medieval on someone’s ass! (might have something to do with the fact I’m in an Improvised Shakespeare show Friday night, and an improviosed Tarantino show Saturday night). Anyway….our theme this week was “Gatherings” – I’ll update links as soon […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[73,180],"class_list":["post-105","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches","tag-friday-sketch-war","tag-sketch"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/105","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=105"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/105\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=105"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=105"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=105"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}