{"id":101,"date":"2008-08-21T14:50:00","date_gmt":"2008-08-21T22:50:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wwwold.sketchwar.org\/?p=101"},"modified":"2008-08-21T14:50:00","modified_gmt":"2008-08-21T22:50:00","slug":"friday-sketch-war-no-child-left-behind","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/?p=101","title":{"rendered":"Friday Sketch War – No Child Left Behind"},"content":{"rendered":"
After being a long-time reader (and fan) of the Friday Sketch Wars, I decided to toss my hat into the ring (aka – get my ass in gear and get something written in time to play with the other kids \ud83d\ude42 ). This weeks theme was “Back to School”.<\/strong><\/span><\/em><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/em><\/strong><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/em><\/strong><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

UPDATE:<\/span><\/em><\/strong><\/div>\n
Richard got us <\/span>dressed for school<\/span><\/a>, and Michael made sure we got to class<\/a><\/span> – so go check ’em out! And….they even kind enough to invite me to toss down the theme for next week (oh, the pressure).<\/span><\/span><\/em><\/strong><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
<\/span><\/em><\/strong><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

Sooooooooo…….in honor of the Democratic National Convention next week, let’s say the theme this week is: Gatherings<\/span><\/span><\/em><\/strong><\/div>\n
___________________________________________________________________<\/div>\n
<\/p>\n

INT. HIGHSCHOOL CLASSROOM – DAY<\/strong>
Several students are milling about before class, talking to each other, flirting, the class nerd trying to be as invisible as possible….the usual classroom goings-on.<\/p>\n

The school bell rings, the classroom door opens, and in walks the teacher, MR. PHILLIPS<\/em>
<\/span>
MR. PHILLIPS<\/u><\/strong>
Everyone settle down, settle down….I know you all have a lot to talk about after spending all summer hanging out together, but it\u2019s learning time now.<\/p>\n

The students grumblingly sit down.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)<\/u><\/strong>
Alright…..welcome to your senior year at William Taft highschool. For those of you who don\u2019t know me, my name is Mr. Phillips, and I will be your homeroom teacher for first semester. You will meet here first thing every morning, I will go over any announcements, hand out any official paperwork, and send you on your merry way. I will also be the first person you talk to if you have any questions or problems, and I will be the person who proctors the many standardized tests now required by the state throughout the year. Are there any questions?<\/p>\n

TIFFANY raises her hand<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)<\/u><\/strong>
Yes, Ms. Morelli.<\/p>\n

TIFFANY<\/strong>
<\/u>When can we buy yearbooks?<\/p>\n

MR. PHILLIPS<\/u><\/strong>
Year books will be available for pre-purchase at the yearbook office after the new year.<\/p>\n

Another hand goes up – it\u2019s LEILA\u2019s<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)<\/strong>
<\/u>Yes, Ms. Gray?<\/p>\n

LEILA<\/strong> <\/u>
What about student tickets for the football games?<\/p>\n

MR. PHILLIPS<\/u><\/strong>
Student tickets for Taft Golden Wombats\u2019 football games, either for individual games or season tickets, will be available for purchase from your homeroom teacher, in this case myself. This also applies to all other varsity sports throughout the year.<\/p>\n

A hand goes up from one of the boys in the back of the class<\/em> <\/span><\/p>\n

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)<\/strong>
<\/u>Yes Mr., uhhhh, Clarkson is it?<\/p>\n

CHIP<\/strong>
<\/u>Yes sir, Chip Clarkson.<\/p>\n

MR. PHILLIPS<\/strong>
<\/u>What\u2019s your question Mr. Clarkson?<\/p>\n

CHIP<\/strong>
<\/u>I wanted choir this fall, but it\u2019s not on my schedule. Can I get that changed?<\/p>\n

MR. PHILLIPS<\/strong>
<\/u>Unfortunately Mr. Clarkson the entire music program has been eliminated due to budget cuts.<\/p>\n

The students break out grumbling amongst themselves<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)<\/strong>
<\/u>We\u2019ve also lost the drama program…<\/p>\n

More grumbling<\/em>
<\/span>
MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)<\/u><\/strong>
home economics….<\/p>\n

More grumbling<\/em><\/p>\n

<\/span>MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)<\/u><\/strong>
…and Field Hockey.<\/p>\n

Not a peep<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

MR. PHILLIPS<\/strong><\/u>
The entire national economy is in the crapper right now people, and school budgets are stretched right to the breaking point. State and federal government wants us to focus solely on reading, math and sciences, because the U.S. is behind almost every other industrialized nation in those disciplines. They want regular standardized tests to gauge progress, and our funding will be directly related to how well you kids do on those tests. Low scores on those tests will result in lower funding and more cut programs, possibly even varsity sports.<\/p>\n

A grumble goes up from the entire class<\/em>
<\/span>
MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)<\/u><\/strong>
Which reminds me….Mr. Williams, are you here today? Tyson Williams?<\/p>\n

TYSON, one of the cool kids, athletic, stylish, and obviously a heartbreaker, stands up. He\u2019s wearing a athletic letterman jacket and stylish tousled blonde hair, looking like he just walked off the set of Gossip Girl.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

TYSON<\/strong>
<\/u>Right here, yo!<\/p>\n

MR. PHILLIPS<\/strong>
<\/u>Mr. Williams, you\u2019ve been the captain of the basketball team for the last two years, an all-state wrestling champion, and a star half-back for the Golden Wombats, have you not?<\/p>\n

TYSON<\/u><\/strong>
You left out rock star and pimp of the nation bro!!!<\/p>\n

The class hoots and applauds at TYSON\u2019s brashness. Mr. Phillips looks at Tyson\u2019s record on his desk<\/em>
<\/span>
MR. PHILLIPS<\/strong>
<\/u>You barely passed your last two years of algebra, and earned a combined score of less than 500 on your practice SAT\u2019s last year, which means you didn\u2019t even spell you name correctly on the test.<\/p>\n

TYSON<\/strong> <\/u>
What can I say? I\u2019m naturally gifted! GOLDEN WOMBATS RULE!!!<\/p>\n

While TYSON is talking, Mr. Phillips rings a little bell sitting on his desk. Two men in dark suits with dark sunglasses rush in through the door. Phillip\u2019s points out Tyson, and the two men run over to him. They taser the boy, then pick him up and rush him out of the classroom. This all happens with the speed and precision of a military special forces operation.<\/em>
<\/span>
TIFFANY<\/strong> <\/u>
Oh my God Mr P! Those men just took Tyson!<\/p>\n

MR. PHILLIPS<\/u><\/strong>
This is just a part of how things are going to be done at William Taft High from now on!<\/p>\n

CHIP<\/strong>
<\/u>What? We\u2019re going to be tasered and kidnapped and never seen again?<\/p>\n

MR. PHILLIPS<\/u><\/strong>
On the contrary – Mr. Williams is fine. Look…he\u2019s coming back into the classroom right now.<\/p>\n

A thin small Indian teen, SANJEET, steps into the doorway, wearing Tyson\u2019s letter jacket, which hangs on him, and wearing a blonde wig similar to Tyson\u2019s hair. SANJEET speaks shyly with a heavy Indian accent He tries to speak hip, but has absolutely no clue how.<\/em>
<\/span>
MR. PHILLIPS<\/u><\/strong>
There you are Mr. Williams. Welcome back. Please take your seat now that you\u2019ve returned from using the restroom.<\/p>\n

SANJEET<\/strong>
<\/u>Thank you Mr. P. What is up my home skillets….I am wicked refreshed now that I my lizard has been successfully drained.<\/p>\n

Everyone stares as SANJEET takes TYSON\u2019s seat<\/em>
<\/span>
TIFFANY<\/u><\/strong>
That is NOT Tyson Mr. P.<\/p>\n

CHIP<\/strong>
<\/u>It\u2019s some Indian dude!<\/p>\n

MR. PHILLIPS<\/u><\/strong>
WRONG!!! This is the NEW Tyson Williams, former athletic wonder, who, thanks to an epiphany about where his low grades would lead him, has returned from Summer vacation an expert in complex mathematics and theoretical physics.<\/p>\n

SANJEET<\/strong>
<\/u>Quarks are my bitches!<\/p>\n

MR. PHILLIPS<\/u><\/strong>
Now, if we can continue….<\/p>\n

TIFFANY<\/strong>
<\/u>NO!!! THIS IS SO TOTALLY WRONG!!! WHAT\u2019S HAVE YOU DONE WITH TYSON???<\/p>\n

MR. PHILLIPS<\/u><\/strong>
Ms. Morelli, your reading comprehension scores were embarrassingly low last year, weren\u2019t they?<\/p>\n

TIFFANY<\/strong>
<\/u>DO NOT CHANGE THE SUBJECT MR PHILLIPS! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO TYSON!!!<\/p>\n

MR. PHILLIPS rings a little bell sitting on his desk. TIFFANY falls to the floor as if dragged down below her desk where we cannot see her, and the electric crackle of a taser is heard. After a few seconds an Asian girl, YEI, dressed like Tiffany and wearing a wig identical to Tiffany\u2019s hair, sits back up in Tiffany\u2019s chair. YEI speaks with a Chinese accent, and the same awkwardness as SANJEET<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

YEI<\/strong> <\/u>
Forgive please, Mr. Phillips. I drop number 2 pencil to floor. Please continue.<\/p>\n

MR. PHILLIPS<\/strong>
<\/u>That\u2019s quite alright Ms. Morelli. I\u2019m sure that someone like you, who, at your age has already completed two entire books analyzing the works of Lord Byron, which may or may not have been written in your native language, must be very attached to her number 2 pencils.<\/p>\n

Every student except SANJEET and YEI glance nervously around, afraid to move, but trying to make sure there is no one on the floor around them.<\/p>\n

LEILA gingerly and nervously raises her hand.<\/em>
<\/span>
MR. PHILLIPS<\/strong>
<\/u>Yes, Ms. Gray?<\/p>\n

LEILA<\/strong>
<\/u>Mr. P….I\u2019m not saying that something just happened, in fact I\u2019m sure absolutely nothing just happened, and I defintiely didn\u2019t see anything just happen, and I\u2019d swear to that on a stack of bibles even though my parents have raised me Budhist…but IF something just happened, which it didn\u2019t, why would it have just happened?<\/p>\n

MR. PHILLIPS<\/strong> <\/u>
That is a well thought out question Ms. Gray. As I said before, educational funding, which includes my salary and tenure possibilities, is now being determined solely by student scores on standardized tests. A teacher may be fired, have their salary reduced, or be denied tenure simply if their students score too low on those aforementioned tests, whether or not it is the fault of the teacher, the failure of apathetic parents to properly motivate their children, or whether the children in question are simply morons. A teacher will ultimately pay the price for the failure of his or her students, even if the teacher in question was once a member of U.S. Military special forces who still has close friends in covert operations. Does that answer your question Ms. Gray?<\/p>\n

LEILA<\/strong> <\/u>
(scared out of her mind and almost stuttering)<\/em>
<\/span>Y…y…y…..yes, Mr. Phillips.<\/p>\n

MR. PHILLIPS<\/u><\/strong>
I think it\u2019s a great shame that there are so many bright ambitious students in poorer countries around the world, who would give anything for the quality education American students take for granted, and that those same foreign students are being denied that opportunity while American students take it for granted and waste it. I wish I could find a way to address that injustice, to provide those motivated hard-working foreign students with a solid education, don\u2019t you Ms. Gray.<\/p>\n

LEILA<\/strong>
<\/u>(still scared out of her mind)<\/span><\/em>
Y…y…y…..yes I do , Mr. Phillips.<\/p>\n

MR. PHILLIPS<\/strong>
<\/u>In fact, I very confident that the students in this classroom who have, shall we say, discovered a new dedication to their education, are smart and driven enough to earn merit scholarships from some of the best universities in the world. And I feel certain that the rest of you will be motivated to work harder simply by their example, won\u2019t you class?<\/p>\n

No one says a word. MR. PHILLIPS snaps his fingers and the two men in dark suits step inside the doorway, looking ominous.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

MR. PHILLIPS<\/u><\/strong>
I SAID \u2018WON\u2019T WE CLASS\u2019???<\/p>\n

THE ENTIRE CLASS<\/strong>
<\/u>(in unison)<\/span><\/em>
YES MR. PHILLIPS<\/p>\n

MR. PHILLIPS waves the two goons off….they Leave<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

MR. PHILLIPS<\/u><\/strong>
Any other questions before we proceed?<\/p>\n

CHIP carefully raises his hand<\/em>
<\/span>
MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)<\/strong>
<\/u>Mr. Clarkson….what is your question?<\/p>\n

CHIP<\/strong>
<\/u>(extremely nervous)<\/span><\/em>
Mr. Phillips….sir….with all due respect….we live in the in a country where kidnapping and torture of citizens is illegal and a complete violation of our the Constitution. The United States was founded on principals that directly refute such police state tactics.<\/p>\n

MR. PHILLIPS stares at CHIP, then slowly raises his little bell to eye level. MR PHILLIPS rings his bell again. The students on either side of CHIP slide down out of view, and tasering can be heard. Two new students of obvious foreign descent, wearing clothing and wigs that vaguely resembles that of the students they just replaced, pop up as if nothing had happened.<\/em>
<\/span>
MR. PHILLIPS<\/u><\/strong>
Mr. Clarkson, your test scores have been exemplary, so I will tolerate your outburst. However, students with borderline test scores will be placed in seats around you at all times. Should you feel the need to deliver a civics speech, those students will suffer to the consequences of your actions and your arrogance. Are we clear Mr. Clarkson?<\/p>\n

CHIP<\/u><\/strong>
Crystal, sir. Thank you sir.<\/p>\n

CHIP sits back down gingerly and quietly. LEILA carefully and slowly raises her hand.<\/em>
<\/span>
MR. PHILLIPS<\/strong>
<\/u>Another question already Ms. Gray?<\/p>\n

MR. PHILLIPS picks up the bell and holds it for LEILA to see, but doesn\u2019t ring it.<\/em>
<\/span>
LEILA<\/strong> <\/u>
Sir…ummmm…won\u2019t the parents of the students who have, umm, altered their appearance slightly here today, notice that they look different?<\/p>\n

MR. PHILLIPS<\/u><\/strong>
You\u2019re teenagers Ms. Gray – your parents never see you anyway.
PRINCIPAL WATERS stands in the doorway and knocks on the frame<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

MR. PHILLIPS<\/strong>
<\/u>Ah, Principal Waters, please come on in. We were just discussing the standardized test process for this year.<\/p>\n

PRINCIPAL WATERS<\/u><\/strong>
That\u2019s exactly what I came by to discuss. As I understand it, you had several students in your classes last year who scored lower than desired on their state-mandated tests, is that correct.<\/p>\n

MR. PHILLIPS<\/u><\/strong>
Unfortunately it is Principal Waters. However, we were just discussing how everyone in this room has re-dedicated themselves to good study habits and….<\/p>\n

The taser noise is heard again, and MR. PHILLIPS collapses to the floor disappearing behind his desk. A middle eastern man, GABRIEL, stands up wearing the same sweater as MR. PHILLIPS<\/em>
<\/span>
PRINCIPAL WATERS<\/u><\/strong>
By the way kids, Mr. Phillips spent the summer in an Israeali kibbutz, where he picked up a slight accent, but earned two PHd\u2019s in 18th century English literature and quantum physics. He also got a quite a tan, but we all agree he bears absolutely no resemblance to any Mossad agent who might be hiding out int the United States, don\u2019t we??<\/p>\n

PRINCIPAL WATERS grabs the bell and holds it up threateningly for all to see<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

THE ENTIRE CLASS<\/u><\/strong>
Yes Principal Waters!<\/p>\n

PRINCIPAL WATERS<\/strong>
<\/u>Excellent, children! Have a wonderful school year Mr. Phillips!<\/p>\n

GABRIEL<\/strong> <\/u>
Go Wombats!<\/p>\n

Fade out<\/span> <\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

After being a long-time reader (and fan) of the Friday Sketch Wars, I decided to toss my hat into the ring (aka – get my ass in gear and get something written in time to play with the other kids \ud83d\ude42 ). This weeks theme was “Back to School”. UPDATE: Richard got us dressed for […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[73,76,180],"class_list":["post-101","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches","tag-friday-sketch-war","tag-fsw","tag-sketch"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/101","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=101"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/101\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=101"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=101"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=101"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}