I’ve been threatening to do it for a while, and whaddya know, this week I finally did it – a sketch with a musical number. I chose the theme of Bailout last week – can’t imagine why! And I’m posting late (geez lyrics take a while to write). But, since we seem to have a lot in common with the 30′s, I couldn’t help but add in my little homage to the golden age of musicals.

Nothing yet from Michael or Richard – Michael may be taking a break (and he will be sorely missed), but I’ll update as combatants report to the field. Honors for theme-picking go to Richard next week…let’s see, we’ve had Apocalpse and Bailout….I bet he picks something like puppies

UPDATED: After being away from the wonder-box Friday night and Saturday, I returned this morning to a great sketch from Richard, and a surprise entry from Michael (woooohoooo!!!). Richard gave us a taste of old Broadway too (I guess it isn’t a coincidence that the Golden Age of Broadway started during the great depression – finanacial chaos apparently inspires showtunes and Michael, who’s taking a break from all-things internet, guest stars on Richard’s blog with insurance to get you through the tough times.

Richard also set the theme for next week’s sketch war: Best Friends!
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EXT. EMPRIRE STATE BUILDING OBSERVATION DECK – DAY
A few people are milling about, but there’s not a lot of traffic. MR. THOMPKINS, a tour guide \ guard is there resplendent in his perfectly pressed navy blue uniform, brass rimmed spectacles, and immaculately groomed grey mustache over a beaming smile. The elevator dings and the doors open. CHARLIE and DAISY step out into the sun. Both are in their late 20’s, clean cut, innocent, bright eyed, almost stereotypically Midwestern, and very obviously tourists. Both have an air of bittersweet sadness about them. They step out into the sunshine on the deck.

DAISY
Oh Charlie, it really is magnificent. Just like everyone says.

CHARLIE
Staggering view.

DAISY
C’mon honey bun. Let’s just pretend everything is okay for a little bit. After all, this may be the last vacation we take for a very very long time.

CHARLIE hugs DAISY

CHARLIE
You’re right, my little ray of sunshine. Say, let’s go peek over the edge and see how far we can see.

They walk over to the edge of the observation deck, looking through the large fence around it.

CHARLIE (CONT)
Wow…the city looks so peaceful from up here, as if it were filled with nothing but nice considerate people who would never think of trashing an entire free market economy just for a couple of high-priced hookers and a custom Bentley.

DAISY
Now lamb chop….

CHARLIE
I’m sorry Daisy. Just slipped out. I’ll try and look on the bright side of things. Say…do you think that’s New Jersey over there?

DAISY
I think it is Charlie. Nice, respectable, kindly New Jersey, filled with kindly, respectable people, like loan sharks and mob bosses, the kind of people who only break the knees of people who have wronged them, and then only one at a time.

DAISY starts sobbing, and CHARLIE wraps her up in his arms

CHARLIE
There there, my darling…

MR. THOMPKINS strolls over to CHARLIE and DAISY, concerned

MR. THOMPKINS
‘Scuse me folks, but I couldn’t help but notice you aren’t exactly thrilled by our view here.

CHARLIE
Sorry Mister…..

MR. THOMPKINS
Thompkins, William Thompkins, but call me Billy – all my friends do.

CHARLIE
Sorry Billy. My wife Daisy and I are just in a bit of a rough patch, with the economy being so rocky and all. We have a lot of bills…

DAISY
And some big credit card debts…

CHARLIE
And a big house back in Iowa that’s lost almost half it’s value…

DAISY
Not to mention a whole bunch of stocks that aren’t worth dick anymore.

CHARLIE
Fact is, Billy, we only came on this trip to New York because we already paid for it a while back, when times were good, and with this economy, we won’t be going anywhere more exciting than Dubuque for a long time.

DAISY
Dubuque!!!

DAISY starts crying loudly again

MR. THOMPKINS
Awwww, you poor kids. No wonder you look so down in the mouth. Come on over here and have a seat. Take a load off

He leads them to a bench by the wall around the deck. He pulls a box of animal crackers out of his pocket.

MR. THOMPKINS (CONT)
Animal Cracker? I keep a box in my coat ‘cause they always make life feel a little simpler…like those care free days when I was a boy.

DAISY and CHARLIE both reach in a grab a cookie out of the box. They crunch them and start to smile a little

MR. THOMPKINS
There…now that’s better, isn’t it?

DAISY and CHARLIE smile weakly and nod yes

MR. THOMPKINS
You know, me and Mrs. Thompkins went through some rough times when were about your age. Not as rough as these, but not too far off. Heck, we thought we were all set for a nice cozy retirement. Boy were we wrong. That’s why Mrs. Thompkins is on the street 4 days a week selling black tar heroin. Say, neither of you kids is a hopelessly addicted smack-head, are you? Mrs. Thompkins is looking for new business.

DAISY
Sorry Billy.

MR. THOMPKINS
Oh well, never hurts to ask. Me…well, I knew there was just one place for me, and that was right here, working security atop this grand old lady.

DAISY
Why is that Mr. Thomp…

MR. THOMPKINS shoots her a playful disapproving look

DAISY (CONT)
I mean “Billy”

MR. THOMPKINS smiles

MR. THOMPKINS
Because this is a magical place Daisy, where people come to see more than just the view – it’s a place where people see their past, their future, and see things in perspective. This is a a place where you can do things you can’t do anywhere else in the world. Let me put it this way…

The music starts and soon MR THOMPKINS is singing a nice 1930’s musical number
/>MR. THOMPKINS (CONT)
(singing)
When a panoramic view
Just serves to make you blue
And what used to make you happy makes you weep
There’s a way that I have found
To make a smile out of that frown
Just make douchebag broker take a flying leap

MR THOMPKINS starts talking again, the music plays on in the background

MR. THOMPKINS (CONT)
Here, let me show you…

MR. THOMPKINS goes over to the fence, pushes a section aside so it no longer shrouds the ledge and looks down.

MR. THOMPKINS(CONT)
Boy, I wish I knew where to invest a few million right now – if only some savvy wall street broker was around to help an old ignorant but wealthy investor with his cash.

A man, BROKER 1, in an expensive suit, dripping jewelry and carrying an expensive briefcase, come running over.

BROKER 1
Hey there….Mike Scabbers, financial genius…sorry about the tan bro, just got back from a big-wig conference in Aruba, I’d love to get you invested in ….

MR. THOMPKINS pushes a button on the wall, and the railing slides over to reveal a gap. MR. THOMPKINS nods and smiles as he leads BROKER 1 over the to gap, then pushes him through and over the edge. MR. THOMPKINS sighs with a smile, and comes back smiling, and singing again.

MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
Throw a douchebag off a building
And see if he can fly
That greedy jerk put you out of work
To grab a bigger piece of pie

Just throw a douchebag off a building
Give a smug exec the boot
Watch the smarmy rat make a big ol’ splat
Without his golden parachute

The music continues playing

MR. THOMPKINS
See kids, a lot of these deal making, super rich, money-flauntin out-of-touch, above the law, guilt-free Wall Street types – the type we New Yorkers like to call “douche bags” – like to come up here and take in the view – kind of makes them feel like the king of world I guess. So there’s always several around to do with as you please. Watch this…

(looking over the edge of the building)

Oh look – I wonder whose chauffeur just turned off the engine in that Hummer Limo to save gas?

BROKER 2 comes running over to the edge to look.

BROKER 2
Dammit – I told Lawson to keep circling until I’m ready…..

BROKER 2 looks over, and MR. THOMPKINS pushes him over the edge

MR. THOMPKINS
Ahhhhhhh…there is nothing quite like the feeling of launching a financial douchebag into thin air!

CHARLIE
But Billy, isn’t that murder?

MR. THOMPKINS
In the old days, when a financial exec caused a mess like this, they had the courtesy to jump off a building under their own steam. We’re just helping them out this time around. Want to try it?

DAISY
Gee Billy, I don’t know where to start.

MR. THOMPKINS
Well Daisy, you just need to shout out something that would make the average money-grubbing Wall Street douchebag with no conscience come a-runnin’.

DAISY
Hey! I think I’ve got just the thing Billy. Let me give it a whirl.

MR. THOMPKINS ushers DAISY over to the magic section of the wall.

DAISY
(shouting)
Boy, I sure wish I could find a man compensating for a tiny penis with a lot of cash.

BROKERS 3 and 4 flock over quickly. They look almost identical to BROKERS 1 and 2. They start hitting on DAISY with smarmy lines and telling her what they’ll buy for her. CHARLIE sneaks up behind them pushes them both over the edge. CHARLIE and DAISY look over the edge as they fall.

CHARLIE
Hey….that crowd down on the street is actually cheering!

MR. THOMPKINS
Of course they are – they’re people just like you!

DAISY
(waving at the crowd below)
You’re welcome, non-wealthy New Yorkers!!!

A cheer is heard from the street

CHARLIE
(singing)
Throw a douchebag off a building
For trashing the Dow Jones

DAISY
(singing)
He made stupid bets on risky debts

DAISY ANDCHARLIE
(singing)
And some fucked up subprime loans

MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
Just throw a douchebag off a building
Introduce him to gravity

DAISY
(singing)
The greedy lout

CHARLIE
(singing)
Got a big bailout

CHARLIE, DAISY AND MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
For his financial depravity

CHARLIE
Hey! Let me try too!

CHARLIE goes over to the magic wall section

CHARLIE
(shouting)
Did you hear the bailout includes fraud-investigations for Wall Street executives AND closes all existing tax-loopholes for the ultra-wealthy???

A whole stream of BROKERS, looking just like the others, screams and runs for the open hole in the fence and jumps out. This goes on for a while – a long stream of well dressed lemmings. A big cheer is heard from the crowd below. MR. THOMPKINS, DAISY and CHARLIE all look at each other and laugh.

MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
They’ve created a recession
But don’t let it get you down
Just make sure the great depression
Is made by a douchebag hitting the ground

DAISY
(singing)
Throw a douchebag off a building
For messing up Wall Street

CHARLIE
(singing)
High flying execs
Caused these big train wrecks
So they deserve to eat concrete

(Key change)

CHARLIE, DAISY AND MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
Just throw a douchebag off a building
And see if he can fly

CHARLIE
(speak-singing)
Make an asshole plummet at the G7 summit

DAISY
(speak-singing)
He’ll look so super rich in his self-made ditch

MR. THOMPKINS
tyle="font-size:85%;">(speak-singing)
He won’t need net worth when he hits the turf

CHARLIE, DAISY AND MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
Just throw a douchebag off a building
And wave those blues bye-bye!!!

They end with a big finish and the music stops

CHARLIE
Wow honey-bunch! I haven’t seen you smile that much in a year!

DAISY
I haven’t felt this good in a year, Charlie! And I know one midwestern boy who’s finally going to get lucky when we get back to the hotel!

CHARLIE
Well what are we waiting for! Let’s head back right now!

DAISY
How can we ever thank you, Billy? We may not be better off financially…

CHARLIE
But we sure do feel better screwing over the people who screwed us over!!

MR. THOMPKINS
That’s the spirit kids! Just remember, when the going gets tough, the tough find the douchebags responsible and get even with them.

DAISY AND CHARLIE
Bye Billy!!!

MR. THOMPKINS
Bye bye kids!

DAISY and CHARLIE wave and exit into the elevator. GUARD 2 walks over to MR. THOMPKINS as he waves back

GUARD 2
Do they know that Wall Street douchebags can’t really be killed?

MR. THOMPKINS
Why spoil their mood.

BLACK OUT

Welcome back to another Friday Sketch War! WOOHOOO!!

This week, Richard gave us the topic of “Job Hunting”. And even though I know everyone and their brother \ sister \ cross-dressing uncle has written a Sarah Palin sketch, I just couldn’t resist.

I’ll update links to the other battlers as they come in….

UPDATED: Richard is doing some heavy recruiting and Michael shows us that there are great jobs out there, even for those wishing they only had a brain. And Michael gave us next weeks theme: Apocalypse. I’m guessing he’s been into the financial reports again
____________________________________________________________________

INT. – TALK SHOW LIVING ROOM SET – DAY
Soft jazzy flute music plays and pink and green graphic comes up: “Job Hunting with Sarah Palin”. The graphic fades out to reveal SARAH sitting in a lovely living-room talk-show set, sipping a big mug of coffee.

SARAH
Welcome back to “Job Hunting ” everyone. I’m your host of course, Sarah Palin. Today we’re talking about how to get a job in a tough economy. I’m doing this because…

JOHN (O.S.)
“We” Sarah

SARAH
Thank you John….WE’RE doing this…

JOHN (O.S.)
Thank you Sarah

SARAH
…because we want every American to feel confident they can get a decent job even in tough times….just in case, you know, things don’t get better any time soon. And if you have those skills, you won’t blame your government for being unemployed, so John and me…

JOHN (O.S.)
Thank you

SARAH
…can work on important things like banning gay marriage, invading Iran, and blaming things on the Democrats. Now many of you are probably thinking “Sarah, what do you know getting a jobs in a tough market?” Folks, let me tell you something. In Alaska there are 15,472 men for every 3 women, and yet I got elected to two different public offices with only “Third Place Beauty Pageant contestant” and “Sports Reporter” to show for experience. Trust me, I know tough job markets.

Speaking of experience, did you know that’s the number one thing that keeps people from getting the job they really want – lack of experience? Most people will never apply for a job for which they have absolutely no experience. But I think God has qualified each and every one of us to be whatever we can apply for, and delusions of grandeur are just God’s way of saying “go get ‘em!”

So I’ve developed…

JOHN (O.S.)
WE

SARAH
WE’VE developed (thank you John) some unique but tested strategies to land that dream job whether you’re qualified or not.

First of all, let’s talk interview outfit. Pick something that’s a little conservative, then sexy it up a bit – shorten the skirt a little, leave an extra button on the blouse undone, etc. Think “sexy librarian”. The sexy gets them hot, but the conservative says “no touching”. Just let them try to think about your experience when you’re sitting down and that skirt is riding up. And if you’ve ever been in a beauty pageant, mention that in the interview…a lot. And don’t forget those glasses – a good pair of glasses both enhances and tones down the sexy – they’re just a little accessory miracle.

Obviously, that last bit of advice is only for the job-hunting women out there. It goes without saying that any man thinking about putting on a skirt is a homosexual, and deserves to burn in hell.

Now, when you show up to the interview, see if you can bring along an elderly person, preferably a war veteran, or even better an ex-prisoner of war with some sort of lingering torture injury. When you’re with someone like that, interviewers think “wow, this person must be reliable and trustworthy if a feeble old geezer like that is hanging out with them.” At the very least, interviewers will be thinking “how nice that they’re hanging out with the elderly”. So really, you really can’t lose with a senior citizen in tow.

So now let’s move on to the interview. You’re sitting there, and the interviewer is looking over your resume’.

Well, there’s your first mistake – NEVER let anyone see your resume’. If they see it, they have hard evidence that you’re unqualified. Instead just say things like “I think my resume’ speaks for itself”, and let them imagine just how great your resume’ must be.

Now, how do you handle that question we all hate:

“So, what qualifies you for this position?”

Wow….that’s A scary one, huh? But here’s a way to answer that question perfectly every time. Remember the word “ONCE” – O…N…C…E. That stands for Old job, new job, cosmetic enhancement. For example, let’s say you’ve been a garbage man and your applying to be the CEO of Sony. When the interviewer says “So what makes you think you could be the CEO of a major multinational company, just say “You know the difference between a garbage man and a Sony CEO? A good hair cut”. Trust me – it doesn’t have to make sense, just say it like it’s completely self evident, then let them figure it out. They’ll just smile and go along with you rather than admit they don’t get what it has to do with anything!

Ladies, try to use “lipstick” as your that cosmetic enhancement – that reminds them of that conservative sexy look you’ve been cultivating.

You can also claim “experience by proximity”. They say you’ve never been a CEO of a major corporation. You reply “well I live within 100 miles of dozens of CEO’s – so I’m probably over-qualified”.

If they keep pushing it, just turn the tables on them . They’ve never been a CEO or they wouldn’t be interviewing you, so they don’t have enough experience to be asking YOU about YOU CEO experience, do they? See how nicely that works?

Now, as a last resort, if they keep pushing you about experience, just accuse them of being a liberal intellectual elitist who’s completely out of touch with the American public. They may come back and argue with you about this, but you will have successfully taken all focus off your lack of experience. Mission accomplished!

Well, it looks like we’re out of time for today.

Thanks for tuning in everyone, and join me…

JOHN (O.S.)
US!

SARAH
…join US (thank you John) tomorrow when we tell you how to take out the competition by stealing their strategy and taking everything they say about you as a sexist assault. Bye bye now!

I’ve been trying to exhibit a little more discipline with my writing. So, to keep the muscles churning and to take a break between more serious projects, I try to write a sketch or two. Here’s an example.

Bad Credit Baby

(Tom and Debbie enter their house. Immediately Dan and Dawn and Ben and Betty jump up from behind furniture.)

ALL
Surprise!

TOM
What the hell?

DEBBIE
Dawn, Betty, what are you guys doing here?

DAWN
We wanted to be here when you brought the baby home.

BETTY
We wanted to be the first to meet the little guy.

DAN
So where is he?

BEN
Don’t tell me you guys forgot him in the car already?

DEBBIE
Why don’t you tell them, Tom.

DAWN
Oh no, is something wrong with him?

TOM
No, he’s fine. The hospital wouldn’t let us bring him home is all.

DEBBIE
Tell them why dear.

TOM
Do we have to do this now?

DEBBIE
They’re going to find out sooner or later.

BETTY
Find out what?

BEN
He’s a retard isn’t he?

DEBBIE
He’s not retarded. He’s perfect. Ten fingers, ten toes, two nostrils, two ears, two eyes.

DAN
So where is he?

TOM
Our credit check came back with some glitches.

DEBBIE
“Our” credit check? It was your goddamn student loans that did this. I told you just to pay them.

DAWN
What are you going to do?

TOM
They want $250,000 in cash before they’ll release him. What can we do?

(Chester Appleway stands up from behind the couch and speaks directly to the audience. He is dressed in a polyester suit with a bad hair piece.)

CHESTER
How many times has this happened to you? Has your bad credit history caused you to forfeit your children so they could be sold by the hospital to pay for your bill? Well worry no longer. I’m Chester Appleway and I’m here to help.

TOM
Who’s this?

DEBBIE
Did you guys invite him?

DAN
I’ve never seen him before.

CHESTER
For three easy payments of $59.95 I can restore your credit history.

DEBBIE
You guys let a salesman into our house?

DAN
He must have slipped in when we were bringing in the cake.

DEBBIE
Where’s the repellant?

TOM
There’s some under the sink

(Tom exits into the kitchen.)

CHESTER
Act now and I’ll send you, free of charge, this brand new waffle iron.

(Tom re-enters.)

TOM
Damn it, we’re out!

DEBBIE
Well we have to get rid of him. What can we do?

(Bradley Wiffler stands up from behind the chair. He wears coveralls over a white shirt and tie. He wears a button that reads “Ask me how to kill things.”)

BRADLEY
How many times has this happened to you? You have a pesky salesman in your home, but you’re fresh out of repellant. Well, my friends, your worries are over. My name is Bradley Wiffler and I’m here to help.

DEBBIE
Jesus, another one!

DAWN
You’ve got an infestation.

TOM
Are you sure none of you guys let them in?

(Silence. They all look at Ben.)

TOM
Ben. Are you sure none of you guys let them in? Ben? Hello, Earth to Ben.

BEN
Sorry guys I forgot my line.

(They all moan and shake their heads. Dirk Wrightwood, the director enters with a clipboad and wearing a headset.)

DIRK
Cut!

BEN
I’m sorry everyone. I blanked.

DEBBIE
Well, if you weren’t snorting so much fucking coke, maybe you could remember your fucking lines.

BEN
Blow me, Debbie! Oh wait, that’s how you got this job to start with.

DEBBIE
Fuck you!

BEN
Fuck yourself.

DIRK
People, people, people, people, people, settle down. Let’s get everyone back to their starting positions. We’re gonna take it from Tom and Debbie’s entrance. Debbie, honey, let’s see some emotions, huh? You’ve just come back from the hospital without your baby. For fuck’s sake, you’ve been carrying this thing around for nine months and now they won’t let you keep it? Show me some grief, babe.

DEBBIE
Dirk, I’m trying, but I have nothing to draw from. What can I do?

(Miranda Queezland stands up from behind the couch. She wears black pants, a black turtleneck and a black beret. She has a red scarf tossed carelessly around her neck.)

MIRANDA
How many times has this happened to you? You’re in the middle of an emotional scene but you’re completely drained. You have nothing to draw from. Well fret no more because Miranda Queezland is here to help.

DIRK
And can someone get an exterminator in here or something? Seriously! These things are everywhere.

BLACKOUT