Peter’s Commentary on the “Pimp My TV” Edition
22 February 2009
by Peter Rogers
Posts Tagged ‘pimp my tv’
RA’s critique of the week
15 February 2009
by R.A. Porter
Ken’s entry
I thought Ken started off the week on a solid note. It seems to me that for a fake movie trailer for an old TV show to be funny (not necessarily indicative of a good movie) it needs to have a stark tonal shift from the source material. The source material should also be something with which the audience is very familiar. E.g. NYPD Blue turned into a frathouse movie or Starsky and Hutch as a gay romcom.1 His Tarantino meets Tootie succeeded on both fronts, taking a well-known and recognizable little romp and flipping it on its head into a darkly comic shoot em up.
One area where I feel Ken didn’t succeed was including Tarantino’s heavy use of popculture references, both in dialog and in shot selection. We’re all working on short deadlines when we write these sketches, so I suspect another day or two would have made a big difference. Especially with a show like this, I think a few winks and nods toward George Clooney, or the difficulties the Different Strokes kids have had as adults would really kick this up a bit.
RA’s entry
I succeeded in what I set out to do, though I could also have used another day or two to polish. As I said above, but applying a tonal shift to a well known property, I get a lot of humor based on the audience’s inverted expectations. Added to that, the genre I picked – blaxploitation flicks – lends itself to parody. In a genre where many of the foundational entries were nearly self-parodic, it’s hard not to get some easy laughs. Like Ken’s, mine feels basically like a trailer, though we both wrote ours in mostly chronological order. A few more cuts, a little less narrative arc, and I think I’d have been closer to the feel of a trailer.
But more than pulling the scenes out of strict chronological order, I needed to watch a bunch of genre trailers and work on the dialog for the characters and especially the narrator. It’s vaguely close, but not right by any means. Watching those would also have given me a better idea for what to do with those spray painted titles, though I got pretty close with those.
Peter’s entry
I like Peter’s entry quite a lot, but I don’t find it very funny. Where it fails for me is taking a light actioner and turning it into an action-thriller. It just didn’t change enough to have any inherit humor, leaving it up to Peter to write a lot of funny bits. But because it’s now an action-thriller, there’s not much funny there.
Of all the entries, his feels the most like a modern movie trailer. It does suffer a bit from chronological scene ordering, but gets away with it better because the underlying film jumps around in time.
I’d definitely be interested in seeing this film – a strong antagonist for Sam is what QL always lacked – but I wouldn’t expect it to be a comedy based on this trailer.
David W’s entry
David admitted to having some trouble with this topic and it didn’t help that we changed it late in the week leading up to the battle so he only had a couple of days to work on it. This sketch feels very little like a trailer. It plays out more like the opening scene for the movie. It also doesn’t have a consistent tone. At times, I think this is going to be a light-thriller, like E.T., where nefarious forces find out about Ed and come looking for him. At other times, it feels like a straight up family comedy, in line with the original show. Because the sketch isn’t clear what it wants to be, I’m not clear how I should take it.
Criticisms aside, there are a few chuckles on display. It’s juvenile, but the poison gas bit is cute, as is the “now you’ve stepped in it” line. However, it’s these very chuckles that make this out to be a family comedy in the Beethoven age group.
Michael’s entry
Michael also wrote something that plays out more like a single scene from the movie than a traditional trailer. I think he manages to balance his two genres well, though. Keeping the voices of his characters true to the originals but moving them into a horror film works *because* of Wes Craven.2 His Scream series pushed the light horror genre into the mainstream, making a horror film where Woody’s making dumb comments about Occam’s Razor feel perfectly natural. The humor in this sketch comes from the character interactions and very little from the setting. It could as easily have been a Halloween episode of Cheers instead of the trailer for a film.
I think I would have liked this one a bit better if it had hewed to the conventions of trailers a bit more, at least by cutting together more scenes. Nonetheless, I think it’s a funny one.
Dave’s entry
If I were ranking the sketches, Dave’s would have come in first by a large margin. Now, *technically* he cheated the topic a little bit. Entertainment Tonight isn’t exactly the type of TV show one would ever expect to see as a film, but it obeys the letter of the law. Beyond that, it is *funny*. By twisting the genre completely – turning ET into an All the President’s Men look into an Oscar conspiracy – Dave really pulled me in. At the same time I’m laughing, I’m thinking this might be a *good* movie. Silly, maybe, but he’s not taking it that way.
Dave’s also feels the most like a modern trailer. From the very opening to the final shot, the cuts scenes tell the story without *spoiling* the story. A really fine example of the form.
RA’s bonus entry
Ken and I had both been toying with second ideas during the week, his a full sketch and mine just a teaser. He actually posted his first, but I scheduled mine to run a few hours earlier so his would be top of the blog until the wrapup.
There isn’t much to mine, but I think I perfectly nailed what I was looking for. In fact, when Ken commented that he heard Danny Elfman playing while reading it, I knew I’d hit my target. This should feel like a cross between Tim Burton and Barry Sonnenfeld, and an Elfman score would fit it perfectly. What the movie is? I don’t know or care. But the teaser came to me fully formed.
I think it works because, well, there isn’t much there. The movie’s tone was hopefully obvious from the description of the camera work and the final weirdness of the maze spelling out the title of the movie. Once the tone wass set and the title delivered, my job was done.
Ken’s bonus entry
There is nothing not funny about a title mashup. This sketch works not because it defies genre conventions, but because it pairs two incompatible genres. The silliness of Chico and the Man dropped into the thriller world of Manimal succeeds on its fish out of water strength.3 The sketch feels like a trailer, and because it doesn’t attempt to go from film’s start to its end, it doesn’t even feel as chronologically bound as most of our other trailers this week.
In some ways, I think Ken’s bonus entry is better than his first entry.
1. See how a funny trailer can be a NOT funny movie. Each comedy idea has an ideal length, something the writers of SNL have *still* never learned. Week in and week out they stretch two-minute ideas into five-minute sketches. Likewise the atrocious S&H movie. Funny for a trailer, not two hours.
2. To a lesser extent it also works because of George Wendt and John Ratzenberger. I don’t know if Michael has ever seen House or House II: The Second Story,
but they were horror films from ’86 and ’87. The first starred William
Katt and Wendt. It was slightly light horror. The
second starred Arye Gross and featured Ratzenberger and was
*extremely* light horror. I actually recommend them both as easy-going
fun.
3. Yes, I know. Manimal is silly too, but it wasn’t *intended* to be silly. If we accept Manimal on its terms, it is a light actioner more in line with Knight Rider than a self-parody. With a modern SFX budget, I think a big screen Manimal could actually hit its target, making Chico’s presence very out of place and therefore funny.
Pimp My TV Wrapup
13 February 2009
by R.A. Porter
Another great fight this week with six warriors bringing eight sketches. Yeah, we got a little crazy.
- Ken started us off with a little controversy, mashing Tarantino and the Eastland School…
- RA shot back with a tale of a life got flipped, turned upside down…
- Peter JUMPED into the arena…
- DNW brought in the cavalry, and launched a poison gas attack…
- Michael launched a supernatural attack where everyone knows your name…
- Dave showed us the seedy underbelly of Entertainment…
- RA fired a second shot from the safety of the countryside…
- Ken assembled a crime fighting duo with real animal magnetism…
I’m really proud of our output this week and hope everyone finds at least one or two sketches they enjoy. Be sure to leave comments to let us know what you think.
Next week we’re changing things up a little bit. Because they asked the Twitterverse for it, we’re going to write sketches – hopefully ones that could be expanded into TV shows – intended to star @stephenfry and @BrentSpiner.
If you think you’ve got the comedy chops to do battle with our scarredand bitter warriors, if you dare step into the hailstorm of seltzer andcream pies, if you think you’re MAN ENOUGH to make us laugh, write asketch and contact us at sketchwar(nospam)@dreamloom.com.
FSW: Pimp my TV (bonus entry from Ken)
Well, I couldn’t resist. I had this idea when I was working on the Facts of Life sketch earlier for this weeks “Pimp My TV” theme, and people giggled everytime I mentioned it. So, I just had to write it up. I’m just being a little high-concept sketch piggy this week 
Anyway, hope you enjoy this:
_____________________________________________________
INT. MANSION ENTRYWAY – DAY
Close up on a tuxedo clad handsome blond man in his early thirties, DR. CHASE, adjusts his clothes for a night out when the camera freezes on a closeup of his face
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Dr. Jonathan Chase… wealthy, young, handsome. A man with the brightest of futures. A man with the darkest of pasts. From Africa’s deepest recesses, to the rarefied peaks of Tibet, heir to his father’s legacy and the world’s darkest mysteries. Jonathan Chase, master of the secrets that divide man from animal, animal from man
The camera un-freezes. The doorbell rings and DR. CHASE answers. CHICO, a young handsome latino in his early twenties stands there.
CHICO
Hey, man…you need, like, any help with the gardening, or maybe someone to wash your limo?
Freeze on a close up of CHICO’S face
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Chico Juarez…unemployed, young, latino. A man with a questionable future. A man with a past no one cares about. Heir to his cousin’s Econovan, master of the dance floor.
Camera un-freezes. DR. CHASE walks over to CHICO and puts his hand on his shoulder.
The Ghostly head of Dr. Chase’s father, Dr. CHASE Senior appears. Only DR. CHASE can see or hear it.
DR. CHASE SENIOR
(in an ethereal voice)
Jonathan…this man can help you in your quest…accept his aid
The head fades
DR. CHASE
My friend, providence has brought us together.
CHICO
No man…I just noticed you got, like, the only mansion in the barrio. So I figure you got money and you like Mexicans, si hermano? Hey, nice threads, man! Hot date tonight?
Camera freezes on the two men facing other in profile.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Together, they’re an unstoppable crime-fighting force of nature.
They turn to silhouettes and titles fly in:
CHICO AND THE MANIMAL
CUT TO:
INT. LIMO – NIGHT
CHICO, now wears a chauffeur’s uniform and drives, while DR. CHASE, still in his tuxedo.
CHICO
Why we gotta follow this car man? My cousin is the bouncer at this hot club…wall to wall chicas.
DR. CHASE
They’re stopping. Quick…the window.
CHICO stops the car, and presses a button lowering a back window. DR. CHASE transforms into a black panther. After a dramatic snarl the panther leaps out the back window in slow motion. CHICO stares ahead looking on in awe.
CHICO
Go get ‘em Dr. Chase.
CHICO notices a smell in the air. After sniffing he looks in the back seat.
CHICO
Awww man…you chase bad guys, I get to hose out the back seat…again!!! Madre de Dios.
CUT TO:
INT. MANSION ENTRYWAY – DAY
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
With the unknowing assistance of Detective Brooke Mackenzie, they’ll fight to take back the city from the evil that consumes it.
BROOKE MACKNZIE, a beautiful blonde police detective in her late twenties addresses DR. CHASE
BROOKE
If you do see a panther in the area, don’t try to subdue it yourself.
DR. CHASE
Of course detective Mackenzie. But how curious that a wild animal like that was such an aid in apprehending those arms dealers.
BROOKE
Yes, it was curious…are you sure…
CHICO enters, looking at BROOKE and obviously attracted. BROOKE notices CHICO, and stumbles over her words.
BROOKE (CONT)
I…ummm…
CHICO
Que pasa, chica?
CHICO walks around BROOKE, slowly checking her out. BROOKE giggles slightly
DR. CHASE
But the panther was of tremendous help…one might even say heroic in it’s actions.
BROOKE
Oh God yeah…it was so…so hot…helpful, I mean…oh yeah, soooooooo helpful. He moves so gracefully…IT..IT moved!
CUT TO:
EXT. ABANDONED DIRT LOT – NIGHT
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Together, they’ll face everything the mean streets can throw at them
CHICO drags DR. CHASE around the corner of a chain link fence, falling back against it. Both men are scraped, bloody and bruised, with large rips in their clothes. CHICO looks back to make sure they weren’t followed.
DR. CHASE
You’ve saved my life my friend. I’m forever in your debt.
CHICO
Just promise me one thing.
DR. CHASE
Anything.
CHICO
Don’t EVER change into a chicken in the barrio again. It’s suicide!
CUT TO:
INT. WAREHOUSE LOFT – NIGHT
CHICO talks to JORGE, while DR. CHASE stands nearby.
CHICO
(to DR. CHASE)
Jorge’s my cousin, it’s cool. Show him.
DR. CHASE looks nervous, then transforms into a panther.
JORGE
Madre de Dios! It’s true!
JORGE runs off screen and returns a black velvet canvas on an easel, and starts painting the panther in neon colores. CHICO smiles
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
When animal magnetism meets latin heat, it can only be…
Titles fly in as the ANNOUNCER says them
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Chico….and the Manimal!
BLACK OUT
Pimp my TV (RA’s bonus entry)
13 February 2009
by R.A. Porter
EXT. CORN MAZE – DAY
The camera enters the maze and flies through it, cutting around corners, swinging like a pendulum, a rapid swirl of green corn and pale yellow hay. It comes to a dead end. A pig oinks softly. The camera swings around and moves off, the grunts getting louder.
DISSOLVE THROUGH:
Literally through one of the maze walls and find the pig, running with purpose through the maze. The camera follows as the pig rapidly cuts through to the end.
Outside the maze, farmland stretches to the horizon. The camera swings back around to the exterior of the maze, swings down to the ground, and flies straight up, away from the ground.
From high in the sky looking down on the maze we see it spells out -
GREEN ACRES
Everything but the words fades to black and a title appears underneath -
CHRISTMAS 2009
FADE TO BLACK:
Pimp My TV: Dave Stinton’s entry
(CAPTION: Los Angeles, CA. 1988.)
(The Hollywood Sign is viewed from the sky on a bright, hazy Los Angeles afternoon. We hear a solo trumpet playing a soothing light jazz riff.)
NARRATOR
Tinsel Town. We’ve seen the glitter. We’ve seen the glamour. But who can bear to look upon what’s behind it?
(The view spins 180 degrees and zooms in, and we are at ground level behind the Hollywood sign. Graffiti and garbage abound. But we become aware of the source of the music: a dapper man in a white linen suit playing the trumpet. He finishes his solo and gazes out on the landscape below.)
(An URCHIN’s voice startles him.)
URCHIN
Man, you’re just like Gabriel!
(The MAN looks down at the URCHIN and grins a pearly, crooked grin.)
MAN
Almost.
(BLACKOUT)
NARRATOR
While all eyes are on the stars…
(The darkness is pierced by several bright lights aimed directly at the camera.)
NARRATOR
…only the most hardened journalists can truly see them.
(Television cameras swivel into place. We are on a soundstage. The MAN sits at a news desk next to a WOMAN. Behind them is a backdrop of Los Angeles at night. A PRODUCER counts down the seconds and cues them.)
MAN
Good evening, I’m John Tesh.
WOMAN
And I’m Mary Hart. Paul Hogan takes a break from the set of “Crocodile Dundee II” to have a chat with us…
NARRATOR
When Hollywood’s most sacred institution is threatened…
(Cut to JOHN TESH on the phone in his coffee-cup strewn news office.)
JOHN TESH
Chevy Chase is planning to rig the Oscars?
(Cut to CHEVY CHASE standing forlorn, holding a bouquet of flowers in the rain. GLENN CLOSE walks away from him, having just rejected his romantic advances.)
NARRATOR
…only one news team can set things right before the credits roll.
(Cut to ROBIN LEACH at a payphone in a parking garage.)
ROBIN LEACH
John, this is bigger than you. It’s bigger than me. Stay out of it!
(Cut to the flash of a GUNSHOT in a darkened corporate office. CHEVY CHASE approaches the dying body of a man he just shot. He picks up the man’s briefcase, and we see the PriceWaterhouse logo emblazoned on it.)
CHEVY CHASE
(voiceover)
Glenn, listen to me. I’m hosting this year. You deserve that award for “Fatal Attraction.” And I can make it happen for you.
(Cut to a closeup of a horrified GLENN CLOSE.)
GLENN CLOSE
(whisper)
You’re insane.
(Cut to JOHN TESH hunched over his glass of Tab in a jazz club in between sets. His trumpet rests on the bar. MARY HART is seated next to him.)
JOHN TESH
I’m sorry, Mary. You just can’t fight something like this. Hollywood one, John Tesh zero.
MARY HART
I can’t even look at you.
(MARY HART gets up and leaves. JOHN TESH glares at his reflection in the mirror behind the bar.)
(Cut to the soundstage. JOHN TESH and MARY HART are on camera.)
MARY HART
(tears in her eyes)
Our top story tonight: my partner John Tesh is a filthy coward.
PRODUCER
What the hell is she doing?
(The monitors all cut to test patterns as MARY HART stands and storms away. JOHN TESH buries his face in his hands.)
(Pulse-pounding percussive music over a series of quick cuts:
Overhead shot of a traffic jam of limos.
Blood pooling in a handprint in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theatre.
CHEVY CHASE sliding down a giant Oscar statuette.
JOHN TESH kicking over a television camera.
CELEBRITIES on the red carpet grinning in a hail of flashbulbs.
JOHN TESH and MARY HART clinging to each other on a windy night.
A team of DANCERS rehearsing their Oscar number.
MARY HART brandishing a tarnished Oscar like a weapon.
CHEVY CHASE grappling with GLENN CLOSE in a darkened mansion.
CHER dropping her wrap to reveal a transparent silk net gown.)
(Music reaches a crescendo and stops suddenly. Cut to backstage at the Shrine Auditorium. CHEVY CHASE, tuxedo rumpled and bowtie askew, holds one arm around MARY HART’s neck. With his other hand, he aims a pistol at JOHN TESH.)
CHEVY CHASE
(quiet and furious, through clenched teeth.)
The envelope.
(he cocks the gun.)
Please.
(Ba-da Ba-da-da Baaaaah! The familiar theme music bursts forth as the “Entertainment Tonight” logo drifts across the screen. Below it, we see a lineup of the cast.)
NARRATOR
Josh Brolin as John Tesh.
Amy Adams as Mary Hart.
Casey Affleck as Chevy Chase.
Naomi Watts as Glenn Close.
And featuring Philip Seymour Hoffman as Robin Leach.
“Entertainment Tonight”: the Motion Picture.
To truly see the stars … wait till night falls.
Pimp My TV (Michael’s Entry)
FADE IN:
We see the familiar green title card that precedes all trailers: “The following preview has been approved…” As it fades to black slow, mournful, piano music plays as the following words appear on the screen:
FROM THE DERANGED MIND OF WES CRAVEN, THE MAN WHO BROUGHT YOU A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET AND SCREAM, COMES A HORRIFYING NEW TALE WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME.
SMASH CUT:
INT. BAR – NIGHT
Thunder and lightning. SAM MALONE stands behind the bar, drying glasses. CARLA TORTELLI, CLIFF CLAVIN, WOODY BOYD and DIANE CHAMBERS sit around the bar. Everyone is looking down, not making eye contact with anyone. DR. FRAISER CRANE is up, pacing around.
DIANE
I still think this is a matter best left for the proper authorities.
SAM
Fraiser, would you quit pacing, you’re making me nervous.
FRAISER
I think better on my feet, Sam. Besides, I believe the answer is simple. Ockham’s Razor.
WOODY
Three of our friends are dead, Dr. Crane. I really don’t think this is the right time to talk about shaving habits.
DIANE
He’s talking about a principle of logic, Woody, not a drug store purchase. It means that the simplest explanation is usually the correct one.
FRAISER
Think of it like the plot of an Agatha Christie novel, if you like. We were all here when the killings happened, thus one of us must be the killer.
WOODY
Agatha Christie? Is she the one who played the Police Woman?
CLIFF
You’re thinkin’ of Angie Dickenson.
SAM
Now just a second, Fraiser. Why would any one of us want to kill Paul or Alan or Pete?
CARLA
I don’t know about you, Sammy, but I’m not going to let Dr. Strange-goober accuse me of murdering anyone. If it was Diane, maybe, but these guys?
WOODY
But how do you explain the eerie voice that whispered each of their names just before they turned up dead?
FRAISER
You know, maybe the killer isn’t here. There is one member of this band of merry men whose stool is empty tonight.
The front door slams open! Lightning flashes. Everyone screams. Then -
EVERYONE
NORM!
DIANE
Norman.
WOODY
Hey, Mr. Peterson, what were you doing between the hours of five and five-thirty this evening?
NORM
The usual. Counting down the seconds to sweet, sweet relief. Four, three, two –
Sam slides a mug of beer down the bar, which Norm catches and takes a long drink from.
NORM
Much better.
CLIFF
Eh, excuse me, Doc. But, eh, there’s an even simpler explanation, if I may, eh, theorize.
CARLA
Great, now Professor Van Dummkopf is going to play detective.
CLIFF
Eh, hear me out there, Carla. It’s a well known fact that before the arrival of the white man, this area was mainly home to the Pocumtuck and Nipmuck Indians. But what most people don’t know is that these tribes were, eh, well known practitioners of the dark arts. Voodoo an’ the like. And that this bar was built on one of their most sacred burial grounds.
FRAISER
Cliff, surely you’re not suggesting…
CLIFF
Surely I am, Doc.
SAM
What? What’s he suggesting?
Fraiser looks at everyone.
FRAISER
My God. It’s the bar.
More thunder and lightning. The lights flicker. Everyone gasps.
EERIE WHISPERED VOICE
I know your name.
BLACKOUT
TITLE CARD: WES CRAVEN’S CHEERS – THE RECKONING COMING THIS FALL
SOMETIMES THE TROUBLES AREN’T ALL THE SAME
PIMP MY TV : DAVID WILSON’S ENTRY
I admit…I stretched for this. I thought, and I thought…well. I thought, anyway…and you can be the judge of how THAT worked out.
EXT. LATE AFTERNOON – STREET
A blue, older model sedan turns into a driveway and pulls up to a garage door. The driver, WILBUR POST, mid thirties with short dark hair, dressed in a plain business suit, punches his remote. The garage door slides open. He pulls in slowly, and the door closes behind him.
INT. GARAGE – CONTINUOUS
He fumbles with his briefcase, opens the door, and climbs out.
O.S. Something bangs loudly.
WILBUR
Hold your horses!
He fumbles his keys into his pocket, runs his hand over the wall, and finds the light switch.
O.S. The BANG repeats.
WILBUR (CONT’D)
I’m warning you.
The back wall of the garage is covered in pegboards. Tools of all sorts dangle from an array of hooks. Wilbur steps up to the left side of the wall, grabs the handle of a hammer, and pulls it away from the board.
A whirring sound fills the air.
O.S. The banging sound grows rapid and frantic.
WILBUR (CONT’D)
Damnit, I said…
CUT TO:
EXT. DRIVEWAY – cONTINUOUS
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Wilbur Post is a man with a secret. He has hidden it from the prying eyes of his neighbors.
CUT TO:
EXT. HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET – CONTINUOUS
MABEL POTTER – thin, waspish, thick glasses with cat’s eye frames, peers out through her blinds at the door to Wilbur’s garage.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Unbeknownst to his employers, or his co-workers.
CUT TO:
INT. GARAGE – CONTINUOUS
The back wall continues to slide open. Wilbur’s phone rings loudly, playing a catchy tune.
O.S. The banging sound becomes like thunder. Wilbur pulls out his phone and flips it open. He checks the incoming number.
WILBUR
Damn it.
O.S. A voice rises from a very low pitched rumble.
WILBUR (CONT’D)
Ed?
ED
Wiiiiilllburrrr…. RUN!
The phone is still ringing. Wilbur glances down at it, then at the back wall. Something large and white appears in the shadows.
Wilbur answers the phone.
WILBUR
Bob? I’m going to have to get back to you.
He glances up again.
WILBUR (CONT’D)
Oh…no.
CUT TO:
EXT. WILBUR’S GARAGE – CONTINUOUS
A horrible vibration rocks the garage. It resolves itself into a huge, wet fart. The door opens, and Wilbur staggers out into his driveway.
ED
(floating out from inside)
I’m sorry, Wilbuuuuurrr.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
And in violation of some tenets of The Geneva Convention.
MABEL
Wilbur? Wilbur Post? What are you doing over there young man? There are rules in this neighborhood.
Wilbur turns, gulps in great lungfuls of air and waves.
WILBUR
Everything is under control, Mrs. Potter. Just a little trouble with an aerosol can.
Wilbur staggers back into the garage.
INT. WILBUR’S GARAGE – CONTINUOUS
The back wall is now fully open revealing a window. Centered in that window, a large white horse stares out at Wilbur.
ED
I toooolld you to run.
WILBUR
Damnit Ed …
There is a wet, squishing sound. Wilbur stops cold He stares at the floor.
ED
Now you’ve stepped in it….
NARRATOR (V.O.)
A man, and his horse, live a secret life. One locked away in a garage stall from which he cannot exit without being carted off to a farm – the other with a secret no one would understand. This…is their story…
Cue the Mr. Ed Theme song.
FSW: Pimp My TV Edition (Peter’s entry)
11 February 2009
by Peter Rogers
Friday Sketch War
Pimp My TV Edition
“Quantum Leap Trailer”
FADE IN:
SERIES OF SHOTS (1995)
Brief glimpses of shaky digi-cam footage:
A) SAM BECKETT (30s, likeable) works in a high-tech science lab.
B) He steps into a pillar of smoke.
C) He vanishes in a flash of blue light.
Meanwhile, the caption “1995″ appears and fades, and a clear female voice narrates –
ZIGGY (V.O.)
In 1995, Dr. Sam Beckett stepped into the main accelerator of Project Quantum Leap and vanished –
OVER BLACK
ZIGGY (V.O.)
– until now.
EXT. MILITARY OUTPOST (1976) – DAY
A dusty, utilitarian building in the middle of nowhere. A caption — “1976″ — appears and fades.
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – CONTINUOUS
A small, white, antiseptic room with minimal furniture. A massive mirror takes up one of the walls.
MILLINGTON (20s, intense, creepy) looms over OTIS (8, farm boy, scared).
OTIS
I’m Otis Beaufoy.
MILLINGTON
No. You’ve temporarily taken Otis’s place. Otis is cooling his heels in a lab in California, thirty years in the future.
OTIS
That’s crazy!
MILLINGTON
Is it –
Millington GRABS Otis’s arm (cree-py), and something odd happens –
Otis morphs into Dr. Sam Beckett.
MILLINGTON
– Dr. Beckett?
He nods to the mirror.
MILLINGTON
Kill him.
Sam dives for cover just as GUNSHOTS shatter the mirror.
EXT. LAKESIDE (2010) – DAY
AL (60s, cantankerous) walks and talks with an UNSEEN FIGURE in idyllic surroundings.
AL
Sam randomly leaps from person to person, and decade to decade. Even I can’t find him any more.
Most of this line is voiceover for a –
SERIES OF SHOTS>
A) Sam looks into a smeary mirror in a gas-station bathroom. His mirror image is an elderly black man. (Caption: “1958″.)
B) Sam drives a Cadillac through the desert. He wears sunglasses and a hat, and he smokes a cigarette in a cigarette holder. In the car’s rearview, Hunter S. Thompson looks back. (Caption: “1971″.)
C) Sam clumsily applies lipstick in a ladies’ restroom. In the mirror: an attractive blonde. (Caption: “1985″.)
BACK TO SCENE
Still walking and talking.
UNSEEN FIGURE
Maybe we can help.
New angle REVEALS that the figure is MILLINGTON, now in his 50s, still intense, still creepy!
OLD MILLINGTON
So. What makes Sam tick?
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET (1993) – NIGHT
Fire trucks flash their lights on a suburban street as a three-alarm fire dies down. ONLOOKERS gape at the destruction. (The caption: “1993″.)
A three-alarm fire dies down.
ONLOOKERS gape at the destruction.
Sam, in full firefighter’s gear, hands a bottle of water to RHEA (30s), holding a cat, still attractive despite the soot, grime, and singed clothing.
SAM
I know what it’s like to lose your home. You’d give anything to get it back, and –
RHEA
Wait, how did you even know we were trapped in there?
SAM
I’m a time-travelling scientist from the future.
Beat.
Rhea laughs.
RHEA
Whatever.
INT./EXT. SURVEILLANCE VAN – CONTINUOUS
Two scary-looking GOVERNMENT AGENT types watch Sam and Rhea with high-tech equipment.
AGENT #1
We’ve acquired the target.
RADIO VOICE (FILTERED)
Get him.
The agents depart the van, weapons drawn.
INT. SHABBY LIVING ROOM (2010) – DAY
GUSHIE, a little technician with bad breath and odd clothes, shows Al a cryptic readout on a homebuilt computer.
AL
What does any of this mean?
GUSHIE
Sam has a trackable signature. We can find him.
AL
Tell me where.
INT. MOD NIGHTCLUB (1966) – NIGHT
An over-the-top nightclub full of garish colors (caption: “1966″).
A rectangle of light appears in the air; HOLOGRAM AL enters through it.
A PASSERBY walks straight through Al like he’s a ghost.
Al crosses to –
A NEARBY TABLE
– where *three* Sams sit, all scribbling equations.
AL
Sam. I’m back.
SAM #1
Al?
SAM #2
Al?
SAM #3
Al!
Sam #3 leaps up and tries to give Al a big hug.
He sweeps right through the hologram.
Al rolls his eyes.
EXT. WHEAT FIELD (1959) – DAY
In the middle of nowhere, a small airplane bears down on Sam, North by Northwest-style. Sam hits the ground. Holo-Al stands nearby, the wheat sweeping through him. (Caption: “1959″.)
EXT. WHEAT FIELD – LATER
Sam and Al hide out from the plane.
SAM
Why would someone be after me?
AL
You’ve had this hero gig, going from place to place, setting things right that once went wrong.
This serves as voiceover for another quick –
SERIES OF SHOTS
A) In Yankee Stadium, Sam hits a fly ball into deep center field. (Caption: “1967″.)
B) Sam pilots a Medivac helicopter through a sandstorm. (Caption: “1992″.)
C) Sam kisses a movie starlet in a Douglas-Sirk-looking scene on a film set. (Caption: “1957.”)
BACK TO SCENE
Right back where we were.
SAM
What, was somebody setting them wrong in the first place?
Al doesn’t answer, but he looks worried.
The plane makes another pass.
INT. UNIVERSITY LAB (1958) – NIGHT
Al follows Sam through a lab full of boxy old-style lab equipment (caption: “1958″), and he’s mad as hell.
SAM
I have to stop these people.
AL
I made you a promise. I promised you I was gonna bring you home.
Sam approaches a big red button.
SAM
Not yet, Al.
Sam hits the button.
Suddenly, the room dissolves into –
INT. HOLO-ROOM – NIGHT
Now Al is all alone in a plain room similar to the Enterprise’s holo-deck.
AL
Dammit!
EXT. KHE SAHN, VIETNAM (1968) – DAY
Sam, now in military fatigues, drags a WOUNDED SOLDIER to shelter while bombs EXPLODE nearby and airplanes lay down STRAFING FIRE. (Caption: “1968″.)
WOUNDED SOLDIER
Leave me! That’s an order!
SAM
We just have to go a little further!
INT. PROJECT QUANTUM LEAP (2010) – DAY
Al, bruised and bleeding, picks his way through the lab we saw at the beginning.
Except now it looks like a bomb has hit it.
Smoke and sparks everywhere.
The same voice from the opening —
ZIGGY (O.S.)
Initiating auto-destruct sequence. Good-bye Al.
AL
What? No!
INT. CONTROL ROOM (2010) – NIGHT
A high-tech center that puts everything at Project Quantum Leap to shame. Three-dimensional holo-projections float about the desks and big e-ink maps cover the walls.
Al, still looking beat-up, sits handcuffed to a chair.
Millington stands by a control pad and lectures him.
MILLINGTON
You lost, Al. We won. And now, *we* decide what happens to Sam!
He turns a key on the control pad and pulls a lever.
EXT. FREE-FALL – DAY
A BLINDING FLASH OF BLUE as Sam leaps into a body that’s in free-fall, 10,000 feet up, plummeting towards earth.
SAM
Oh boy.
SMASH CUT TO:
QUANTUM LEAP LOGO
The first few notes of the original theme song play faintly.
A jumble of different years fade in and out in the background.
“2010″ fades in beneath the main logo, and sticks.
FADE OUT.
Pimp my TV (RA’s Entry)
10 February 2009
by R.A. Porter
EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT
A middle-aged black WOMAN cradles a bloody, lifeless young teen in her arms. WILL, a tall black teenager stands next to her. Sirens wail in the distance.
WOMAN
Will! Will! What have you done!
CUT TO:
CU on Will’s face.
WILL
Snitch got what he deserved.
CUT TO:
Medium shot. Sirens closing in.
WOMAN
Baby, you gotta get outta here. Go!
Will pauses a moment, then runs. Camera lingers on him running away, then cuts back to woman and child.
A funky bass riff starts playing. Quick cuts of the city streets – random violence on display everywhere. Muggers, prostitutes, pimps, and dealers on every corner. Cops beating a suspect in the middle of the street. The bass is joined by a small combo and continues through the trailer.
TITLES fly on the screen like spray painted graffiti – “Mean Streets”
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Growing up on the mean streets of Philly teaches a brother to look out for number one. This fly young cat ain’t no different.
TITLES – “One Fly Cat”
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
A posh, huge house. A staircase spirals up in the background. Will stands in the middle of the room with a small bag in one hand and a gat in the other.
WILL
This’ll do.
CARLTON, a short but muscular teen, enters the room wearing a bow tie. He’s got a shotgun trained at Will.
CARLTON
How can I help you, cuz?
WILL
They call me Fresh. I’m taking over this town.
TITLES – “They Call Him Fresh”
INT. BAR – NIGHT
Will and Carlton beat down some thugs with baseball bats.
TITLES – “Tough”
NARRATOR (V.O.)
From the rough…
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
Will and a beautiful woman going at it.
TITLES – “Sexy”
NARRATOR (V.O.)
…to the tumble. Fresh takes no prisoners…
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Will is surrounded by FOUR HENCHMEN with guns.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
…as he builds his army.
EXT. STREET CORNER – DAY
Carlton kicks a dealer repeatedly while Will watches, impassive.
TITLES – “Cool”
INT. BOUTIQUE – DAY
Pricey. Lux. Will and his bow-tied sidekick shoot two well-dressed MEN in the head. A WOMAN watches in horror.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
He came to town an outsider, but became royalty.
WILL
Tell your boss I’m comin’ for him.
The woman stands still, shaking.
WILL
Go!
She runs.
TITLES – “Commanding”
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Will and Carlton have two scantily-clad women each. A pile of money fills the coffee table in front of them.
A BUTLER enters with a large silver tray. He lowers it in front of the men and we
CUT TO:
CU on two fat lines of coke. Will and Carlton lean into frame and snort it all.
TITLES – “Living Large”
NARRATOR (V.O.)
He had it all.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
DON GIOVANNI sits at a small table in front of a huge plate of pasta. BODYGUARDS flank him. Across from him sits one of his LIEUTENANTs, scrawny and nervous.
DON GIOVANNI
What the -BLEEP- do you mean they ain’t payin’ the protection money?
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Will and Carlton stand amidst bloody corpses. Girls, their henchmen, their butler.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
And then he had war.
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
Will and Carlton strap on guns and ammo, ready for war.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Will lies dying on the floor. Don Giovanni is dead, his men are all dead. Carlton scrambles over the bodies to Will’s side.
CARLTON
(Through tears)
You gonna be fine, Fresh!
WILL
I ain’t gonna make it. You gotta take my place. Carry on.
TITLES – “Maybe Just a Little Bit Gay”
CARLTON
I can’t.
WILL
You gotta.
(Coughs)
You gotta.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
When the cool fall, it’s tragedy.
TITLES – “The Prince of Bel-Air”
BLACKOUT:
