EXT. SIDEWALK – DUSK

Four KIDS, 8-10 years old and in costume, gather under the darkening sky. By costume, there are SPIDERMAN, GHOST, BALLERINA, DINOSAUR.

SPIDERMAN

What did you get?

GHOST

Two Obama-Biden bumper stickers and this paper.

(Beat)

‘Tortious Acts as a Basis for Jurisdiction in Products Liability Cases: A Completely Original Look’

DINOSAUR

Which house?

GHOST

The one with the guy dressed up like a Ken doll. Fake hair, face all plastic-y.

BALLERINA

He always looks like that. My mom says some people need to let nature take its course.

DINOSAUR

I got a butterscotch from that old guy who sits in his rocking chair on his porch all the time.

GHOST

Oh, the blue house.

DINOSAUR

No, I tried there but the lights were off.

GHOST

The red house?

DINOSAUR

Off.

GHOST

Then–

DINOSAUR

–He was in the yellow house.

BALLERINA

The one with the pretty red door. I like that house.

DINOSAUR

No, the other yellow house. I think he was running from house to house trying to hide, but he wasn’t too fast. I caught him at the sixth house.

SPIDERMAN

Good. That house on the hill creeps me out.

(Opening sack wide)

Well, my bag’s full!

DINOSAUR

No way! That’s good stuff, too! Where?

SPIDERMAN

The shack on the corner.

BALLERINA

Who lives there?

SPIDERMAN

That loud lady who’s always standing outside the Whole Foods with the clipboard. But I don’t know if you guys should go there. My hand’s real sore now.

(Beat)

She wouldn’t give me any candy unless I signed a whole bunch of cards. She didn’t care what name I used, but said if I signed fifty of ‘em I could fill my bag up with all the candy I could carry.

BALLERINA

(Showing bag)

I got a bunch, too.

GHOST

That’s pretty good Where?

BALLERINA

The house with the basketball hoop out front. But I don’t think he’s really got any candy.

DINOSAUR

What do you mean?

BALLERINA

I got to the door the same time as Joey Hanson. He had a lot more candy than me. The guy answered the door and said that wasn’t fair and made him give me half his candy. Joey ran home crying.

DINOSAUR

Let’s go try that house.

The kids walk one house over and up to the door. String lights, multiple pumpkins, and other decorations adorn the yard and porch. Spiderman rings the bell. The doorbell plays Dixie. It opens and a woman dressed as the Bride of Frankenstein – with rimless glasses – answers.

BRIDE

Hey there, you kids! Happy Halloween!

KIDS

Trick or Treat! Give us something good to eat!

BRIDE

Oh, you betcha!

The Bride reaches into a bowl and pulls out four wrapped items, one for each.

BRIDE (CONT’D)

Here you go! Now don’t get into any trouble!

The Bride closes the door as the kids skip off the porch. Spiderman checks his bag.

SPIDERMAN

Eww! Homemade moose jerky!

BALLERINA

Hey, isn’t that your brother over there?

GHOST

Where?

BALLERINA

(Points to distance)

There.

GHOST

He’s not supposed to go over there. He’s going to get in trouble. Mom said to stay out of Russia!

BLACKOUT

INT. CAR – NIGHT

CURT, late 20s in sport coat and oxford, drives. Beside him is his wife PAM, late 20s and fashionably dressed. Her sister GINNY, mid-30s on the verge of old-maid hood, sits in back with her hands clasped on her lap.

PAM

How much further?

CURT

It’s right up ahead

PAM

You weren’t kidding when you said he lived outside city limits.

CURT

He likes his space, I guess. How are you doing back there, Ginny? You’ve been awfully quiet.

GINNY

Hmm? Oh, I’m good. Just working through some tensor products.

Pam rolls her eyes. Curt turns to her befuddled.

PAM

Ginny does linear algebra in her head when she’s nervous.

GINNY

I’m not nervous.

CURT

I flunked pre-algebra twice.

(beat)

We’re here.

Curt stops the car and the three get out. They walk up to the front door or a neat, well-kept bungalow. As soon as Curt presses the bell, the door opens, revealing IVAR, a short, slightly hunchbacked nebbish.

IVAR

Master is expecting you. Come in.

INT. BUNGALOW – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS

The guests enter the cozy home and Ivar closes the door behind them. He points them to the living room where DOCTOR ESKATOS – 40s, lean, unruly cloud of hair, wearing a long white lab coat – sits perfectly upright. His body carves out exact 90-degree angles in his floral couch. Matching the couch, the decor of the house is early-grandmother.

IVAR

Master, your guests.

ESKATOS

Yes, yes, Ivar. I can see that. Please go see to our meal.

Ivar exits through a swinging door to the kitchen. Eskatos rises and crosses to the visitors. He extends his hand to Curt.

ESKATOS

Curt, I’m so glad you could make it.

CURT

Thanks, Doctor Eskatos. I was honored you asked. This is my wife, Pam.

ESKATOS

(shaking hands)

Pam, nice to meet you. Your husband speaks very highly of you.

PAM

Thank you. He says…things about you, too. This is–

ESKATOS

–Your sister Ginny, I presume.

Eskatos clasps Ginny’s hand and shakes it too hard and too long. But Ginny doesn’t seem to notice. He lets go and gestures to sit. The door to the kitchen swings open and a tray of drinks enters the room, carried by IGOR, who looks exactly like his brother. The drinks are proffered.

CURT

Oh, that’s perfect. I’m parched. Thanks, Ivar.

IGOR

Igor.

CURT

I thought your name was Ivar?

IGOR

Igor.

Igor turns to Eskatos and spills the last drink on him.

ESKATOS

Clumsy oaf!

IGOR

I’m sorry, master. Let me get you another!

Igor rushes out of the room leaving Eskatos to clean himself up.

PAM

He seems a little…

(whispering)

is there something wrong with him?

ESKATOS

(yelling)

His mother was a scallion!

GINNY

Scullion.

ESKATOS

What?

GINNY

Scullion. You said ‘scallion’, but you meant ‘scullion’. I’m something of a wordy.

Curt and Pam look at each other, horrified.

ESKATOS

I said what I meant. His mother was a scallion. He and his brothers were some of my first experiments with human-vegetable hybrids.

The door swings open. Igor rushes back with a towel and another drink.

ESKATOS (CONT’D)

(dripping with disdain)

As you can see, the experiment was not a success.

The door swings open again and the third brother, BRYCE, enters with a cheese plate.

BRYCE

Master, we were out of the crackers you like, so I toasted some bagel chips.

ESKATOS

Yes. Fine. Whatever, Bryce. Leave us! Both of you!

Bryce and Igor scurry out. The door swings open again and Ivar starts to walk in, but his brothers’ hands grab him and pull him back into the kitchen.

PAM

Doctor Eskatos, Ginny is working on her PhD, too.

ESKATOS

Oh really? That’s fascinating. What is your field of interest?

GINNY

High energy physics.

ESKATOS

Fascinating.

PAM

Maybe Doctor Eskatos would like to hear about your thesis.

GINNY

Oh, I don’t want to bore him with that.

ESKATOS

Nonsense! I’d love to hear about it.

The door swings open again. Ivar (or maybe one of his brothers, who can be sure?) sidles in and takes the untouched cheese plate. He also picks up the unfinished drinks and carries them out on a tray.

ESKATOS (CONT’D)

It’s so difficult to grow good help these days. I should have used cauliflower. How much better things would be had I used cauliflower.

The door swings open again and two of the brothers try to walk through at the same time, jamming against the jamb. Finally, they figure out how to enter. Igor carries another tray of drinks.

BRYCE

Master, the lamb will be ready in 30 minutes.

Igor spills the drinks on Eskatos again.

ESKATOS

Aaargh! You imbecile! I should have chopped your mother up for garnish before you were ever born!

IGOR

Master, I’m sorry. Let me help you.

ESKATOS

You’ve done more than enough!

Eskatos takes out a PDA and taps it for a moment. There is a bright flash of light and a puff of smoke appears as Igor screams in pain and runs around the room. He is singed and smoking. Bryce runs to the kitchen. Curt and Pam stare in shock.

<
p class="character">CURT

What was that?

ESKATOS

This? Death ray.

PAM

He’s not dead.

CURT

(to Pam)

Pam, let’s not upset the doctor, please.

ESKATOS

No Curt, she’s right. He’s not dead. Not even a little.

Igor, the top of his head stil smoking, grabs a drink and douses the embers.

ESKATOS (CONT’D)

Like all my other inventions, my orbital death ray is a failure.

CURT

Orbital?

ESKATOS

Yes. I have a series of satellites in polar orbit. I can target any location on the planet. But to what end? Look at that! Death ray, indeed.

GINNY

Microwaves?

ESKATOS

Of course.

GINNY

Have you considered crossing unsynched beams with tachyon pulses to set up–

ESKATOS

–To set up Frakes-Francis interference! Of course! How did I not think of it before. Igor!

The door swings open. Igor resists entering, but his brothers’ hands shove him back into the room.

IGOR

Yes, master?

ESKATOS

Bring me the lamb!

IGOR

But master, it is not finished yet.

ESKATOS

And I plan to remedy that.

Igor exits as Eskatos takes his PDA and frantically taps.

CURT

This is fun, huh?

Igor returns with the lamb on a platter. He looks nervous as he sets it down on the table and takes several steps away from it. Eskatos points the PDA at the lamb and taps it once. A bright flash, a puff of smoke, and Igor is gone.

ESKATOS

Huh. Must not have accounted for the Wheaton drift. I never was any good at linear algebra.

BLACKOUT

INT: CLUBHOUSE – DAY

JOHN, a stocky white boy in shorts and a too-tight button-up shirt sits at the front table. BARRY, a long lean black kid wearing a black suit, white shirt, and bow tie, sits next to his left. JOE, a skinny, nondescript white kid, sits to his right. A handful of other boys sit facing front. John bangs a gavel.

JOHN

I now bring this meeting of the He-Man Woman-Hater’s Club to order. Would the secretary please read the minutes from our last meeting?

BARRY

Freddy complained that we were all talking too much during his nap time and we took a vote. 8-2 in favor of making Freddy nap up in the old tree fort with one abstention.

JOHN

Who abstained?

BARRY

Freddy. He dozed off while we were talking about it.

(Beat)

Then the defense committee reported on the treaty negotiations with Cub Scout Troupe 163. They were at an impasse over access rights to cross 13th Street to get to Gargantuan Comics.

(Beat)

And Teddy asked for our help getting his sister’s doll out of Becker’s stream where it sank after he crashed his bike trying to jump the old footbridge.

JOE

I still don’t understand why he had the doll with him.

JOHN

Alright, let’s hear from the defense committee first.

THREE BOYS stand up. They’re dirty and scuffed up. One of them with a black eye, another with a fat lip. HARRY – skinny, blond, bespectacled – steps forward.

HARRY

They whipped us good. Cheaters. Tommy Monahan’s sister Rosie came with ‘em. We didn’t stand a chance.

JOE

(Anxious)

Are you alright?

HARRY

Yeah, but when my mom catches sight of me she’s gonna have a fit.

JOE

No, I mean are you alright?

Barry and John turn to each other and roll their eyes.

HARRY

Oh, oh! Yeah, heck! I forgot!

Harry turns to the other two boys, both a little younger than he, and inoculates them.

HARRY (CONT’D)

(To the first boy)

Circle, circle, dot, dot. Now you’ve got the cootie shot.

(and the other)

Circle, circle, dot, dot. Now you’ve got the cootie shot.

JOE

Harry, you’d better get yourself taken care of too before you spread ‘em.

HARRY

Yeah. Billy, can you give me the shot?

BILLY gets up. He’s thin, with brown hair and a drawl like sweet tea on a summer’s day.

BILLY

Can do, Harry.

They leave the clubhouse.

JOE

Guys, you’ve gotta be more careful. We don’t want another outbreak like last spring.

All the boys look up and to their left. The screen wavers and chimes play…

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Title: Last Spring

Barry stands in front of the class, singing. HILLARY watches with stars in her eyes.

BARRY

(Singing)

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy, when skies are gray
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away.

John looks on with a squint. Barry returns to his desk, right next to Hillary’s. John gives him the ol’ stinkeye as he passes.

HILARY

Ooooh, Barry. That was dreamy!

The screen wavers and chimes play again…

INT. CLUBHOUSE – DAY

Title: Today

Everyone shakes their heads and gets out of flashback mode. Barry turns to John and extends his hand…

BARRY

Brothers forever, pal. No broad’s going to come between us again.

JOHN

(Shaking hands)

And how!

The door to the clubhouse opens. The defense committee comes back in, surrounding a girl! SARAH wears her brown hair in pigtails and the cutest little glasses. She carries a bb gun. All the boys in the clubhouse go nuts!

JOHN

(Banging his gavel)

Order! Order! What’s she doing in here?

HARRY

We caught her spying outside.

BARRY

Is that true?

SARAH

Oh yeah, you betcha! I wanted to see what all the fuss was about, don’tcha know, so I scurried over here quick as a jackrabbit in deer season to peek through the knot hole. You boys sure like talkin’ don’tcha?

JOE

Girl! Girl!

Joe gets up and starts running around like a headless chicken…until he bounces right off a wall and falls straight on his backside to the SOUND FX of little birds chirping.

JOHN

There are no girls allowed in here, Sarah. This is the He-Man Woman-Hater’s Club.

SARAH

Oh John! You get so cute when you’re all flustered-like. Your cheeks get red as fresh venison and you huff and puff like a little choo-choo train! You’re so cute, I could just kiss ya!

John’s eyes bug out. Barry’s bow tie spins around as he stands gape-jawed.

BARRY

Well, now, Sarah. As you can surely deduce from the heretofore mentioned name, we have something of a exclusion policy with regard to persons of your gender–

SARAH

–There you go again! Gettin’ all uppity and high-falutin’ with your private school readin’ and vocab-uh-lary. Why’n't you just talk like regular folks?

JOHN

Sarah, is that an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB gun with a compass in the stock?

SARAH

It sure is, cutie-pie!

BARRY

Really, I must protest. Sarah just doesn’t belong here. We’ve still got club business to discuss.

JOHN

I could not disagree more. I think she brings a breath of fresh air to the place.

Sarah winks at John.

BARRY

Oh boy. Here we go again.

BLACKOUT

EXT. THEATER – NIGHT

A small crowd of bedraggled and weary souls are gathered under a marquis. Their faces are sunken but their smiles are beaming. Behind them are posters for “Bailout!”

WOMAN #1

I found a Jujube under my seat! And it was warm in there. It’s been so cold.

CAMERAMAN (O.C.)

But did you enjoy the play?

WOMAN #1

It was amazing. I cried. A lot.

WOMAN #2

Best show in years.

INT. THEATER – NIGHT

Three actors dressed as SENATORS LIEBERMAN, SPECTER, and COLEMAN huddle to one side.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Come see the smash hit everyone’s talking about, “Bailout!” Winner of seven Tonys, including Best Play, Best Drama, and Best Place to Stay Warm in February. With songs you won’t soon forget, like this one…

CLOSE ON SENATORS

SENATORS LIEBERMAN, SPECTER, AND COLEMAN

(singing)

The Secretary is just a Goy
Not a M.O.T., just a Goy.
To finagle and dangle and skillfully wrangle
The financial hoi polloi
The Wall Street meltdown is not
Safe in the hands of a Goy.

INT. THEATER – NIGHT

The stage is set for a Senate hearing. An actor playing LEHMAN BROTHERS CEO, RICHARD FULD sits at the witness table with his ATTORNEY. Several SENATORS sit across him at their desks.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Or this hilarious number…

LEHMAN BROTHERS CEO, RICHARD FULD

Senators!

(singing)

Do you recall the other night that I distinctly said you might
Shore up my junk bonds and bad mortgages?
Well, I’m afraid there’s someone who I must sell to in place of you
Someone who plainly is beyond compare
China’s portfolio is more tremendous than I have e’er seen anywhere
And when an offer is that tremendous
It, by right, should buy up all my shares.

SENATORS

(speaking)

But Richard, let us bargain with them and beat them!
Don’t refuse us so abruptly, we implore!
Give us the opportunity to outbid them
And China will be smashed upon the floor!

LEHMAN BROTHERS CEO, RICHARD FULD

You’ll bash and thrash them?

SENATORS

We’ll smash and mash them.

LEHMAN BROTHERS CEO, RICHARD FULD

You’ll give them trouble?

SENATORS

They will be rubble.

LEHMAN BROTHERS CEO, RICHARD FULD

A mighty whack?

SENATORS

Their market will crack.

LEHMAN BROTHERS CEO, RICHARD FULD

Well…

(singing)

Then you may buy up all my shares
If you do all the things you promise
In fact, my heart would break should you not buy up all my shares.

INT. THEATER – NIGHT

A lone spot on an actor portraying SENATOR MCCAIN. He stands in front of the curtain, facing the audience.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Or this soul-wrenching number about thwarted dreams from Tony-winner Neil Patrick Harris…

SENATOR MCCAIN

(singing)

I have dreamed thee too long,
Never seen thee or touched thee.
But known thee with all of my heart.
Half a prayer, half a song,
Thou hast always been with me,
Though we have been always apart.

Oval Office… Oval Office…
I see heaven when I see thee, Oval Office,
And thy desk is just a place
I’ll never sit in… Oval Office… Oval Office!

CUT TO:

Titles. “Bailout!” in white letters on black.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Come see “Bailout!”, playing now and forever at the Winter Garden Theater. Located between the Helping Hands Soup Kitchen and the Unemployment Office.

BLACKOUT

INT. LIVING ROOM – DUSK

MARISOL, HECTOR, and BRAD wear tattered rags and sit in the decrepit remains of a once grand living room. Marisol and Hector huddle in one corner, Brad in another. The former captain of industry looks as beaten as his cook and gardener. PHOEBE throws open upstage doors and glides in wearing a short skirt, pressed blouse, and new Christian Louboutins. Her hair and makeup are immaculate. Her arms are full of bags.

PHOEBE

It’s so stuffy in here! What is wrong with all of you? It was a beautiful day today, but you’re all sitting right where you were when I left this morning. I bet you didn’t even get up once.

BRAD

Hector got up once, to shoot a giant ant that was coming toward the house.

HECTOR

Si. I shoot between the eyes.

BRAD

Which ones? It had like, a million.

PHOEBE

And what about you? And Marisol? You just sat there? I bet you didn’t even clean and dress the carcass. We haven’t had fresh meat in two weeks, but you just left it on the lawn, didn’t you? It’s probably already gone bad.

HECTOR

No. The flying cats come and drag it to their nest.

MARISOL

They’re so pretty. Why I can’t have one?

PHOEBE

We’ve been over this before, Marisol. No dogs or killer mutant cats in the house. Mr. Finley has allergies.

MARISOL

Yes, Miss Phoebe.

PHOEBE

Come on. Come help me with the bags.

The others trudge to Phoebe and take her bags.

PHOEBE (CONT’D)

I found a few cans of pineapple juice under the bar in the Jensen’s pool house. I remembered Patrick made those killer hurricanes last Memorial Day.

BRAD

Any Myers left?

PHOEBE

No. No booze. Looks like squatters got it all. But they left the fruit juice.

BRAD

Lucky us.

PHOEBE

You’re damn right, lucky us! What’s with all of you?

BRAD

What’s with us? You’re running around town like nothing’s wrong, while we’re here fighting off killer ants and flocks of flying cats. It’s over, Phoebe! The world’s over!

Marisol and Hector freeze.

PHOEBE

No, Brad. The world’s not over. Your cushy life is over. Your two-martini lunches and Wednesday golf and Thursday afternoons with that tramp, Charlotte Greggson, are over. Life goes on. The world goes on.

(Beat)

Oh? You didn’t think I knew about her? I knew, Brad. I! Didn’t! Care!

Phoebe is steaming, but keeps it together. She crosses her arms. Hector looks in the last bag, not finding what he wants.

HECTOR

Miss Phoebe, you not bring bullets?

PHOEBE

Of course I did, Hector. Nine mills, .38s, and 12-gauge. They’re right here.

Phoebe spins a little and we see the third arm jutting from the center of her back holding one last bag. Her blouse is perfectly tailored to accommodate the extra appendage.

HECTOR

Thank you ma’am.

Hector goes to Phoebe and takes the bag. As he walks away, we see he has two extra eyes on the back of his head.

PHOEBE

No problem, Hector. It’s nice to see someone else around here doing his part.

(Stares at Brad)

But you really have to get out of this house more. You too, Marisol. The weather’s just been perfect. It’s my favorite time of year, when the lung-squid walk up the beach at night to spawn and the ocean burns just a little brighter. Both the moons are full tonight. You and Marisol should take a walk on the overlook.

MARISOL

(Fearful)

The bat-coons!

PHOEBE

Marisol, you know those are a myth. I’ve never heard a notion as silly as a bat-coon. Now you two go watch the mating dance of the lung-squid before the cock-a-mice come fly off with their eggs.

Marisol and Hector exit.

BRAD

That’s just great. The world is burning and you’re playing matchmaker.

Phoebe sashays up to Brad. She wraps her two front arms around his waist.

PHOEBE

Someone has to repopulate the world. It certainly isn’t going to be us.

BRAD

It’s just…you’re different since you grew…that.

Phoebe flexes her third arm and strokes his face seductively

PHOEBE

This?

BRAD

No.

(Nods at crotch)

That.

BLACKOUT

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

JANET, 30s slender and no-nonsense, enters and strides to the head of the table. She joins GARETH, 40s and tweedy, and EMILY, 20s and achingly hip.

JANET

Sorry I’m late. Dick’s sister and kids are visiting. The baby cried half the night. What’s on the agenda today?

GARETH

First up is a new position. I got the call right before coming in here. G.O. is in the market for a new CEO. This could be really big for us.

JANET

You’re not kidding. Commission on that could run high six figures. Who’ve we got in the stable?

EMILY

(Shuffles a few files and reads from the first)

We’ve got a Columbia grad, Harvard Law, former state legislator and a few years in the Senate. He’s really good in front of crowds. He’d be great calming the stockholders.

JANET

(Aghast)

You’re kidding me, right? This isn’t your local coffee house looking for a part-time manager for Poetry Slam Saturdays. This is one of the biggest companies in the world. Who else have we got.

Emily is chastened. Gareth grabs a file from her stack and reads.

GARETH

Alright. Someone a bit older and more seasoned. We’ve got an Annapolis grad, four-term Senator–

JANET

–Please! Again, let me remind you people. We’re hiring for a Cee Eee Oh! Give me someone with some executive experience.

EMILY

Okay, I’ve got one. Two-term mayor of a small town, governor–

JANET

–Alright. Is that all you’ve got? Come on. G.O., people. G.O. is synonymous with high tech. They started Silicon Valley in their garage. Emily. When I say G.O., what do you think of?

EMILY

Well, I guess big-ticket high tech.

JANET

Exactly. And we need a CEO who under–

GARETH

–We don’t.

JANET

We don’t what?

GARETH

They told me they’re looking to change. They want to get out of the large-margin business and move into consumer electronics. More sales through Wal-Mart than to Wal-Mart.

JANET

So they’re looking for someone to get them out of selling to big business and into the bargain bins. I’ve got the perfect candidate. Checks off all the boxes. She’ll swoop in – and earn us a pretty signing commission – change the corporate culture, and be out the door in five years with millions. Gareth, put together the standard golden chute package.

(Beat)

Alright, what’s up next?

EMILY

Huh. Interestingly enough, I’ve got a coffee shop looking for a part-time manager.

JANET

Alright Mr. Harvard Law, that’s you. What else?

GARETH

Kruger Industrial Smoothing needs a new senior sales rep. But I think I’ve got that one covered.

EMILY

The Lions have an opening for a GM. I think I’ve got a guy for that. He’s got experience, and we can bring in him for high dollars; he’s making a lot at his current job.

JANET

Is he going to be interested in moving on?

EMILY

He’s got strong ties to the Detroit area, and apparently is in quite a rush to get out of New York. He’s something of a

(air quotes)

“bad boy”, but they love him in Motor City.

JANET

And he knows football?

EMILY

Not exactly, but he knows sports. And he’s used to the pressure of being a GM.

GARETH

We should move quickly on this. Before–

JANET

–Before Detroit knows what hit ‘em.

BLACKOUT