It appears that our plan of slowly taking over the world, one Sketch Warrior at a time, is coming to fruition. Here’s our latest entry, from E. L. Raica.

I howled when I read it; hope y’all do to.

(Music plays. Curtain comes up as SKIP SKIPPERSON, the host of the gameshow, “Wild Animals: Date or Mate” prances out on stage waving to the crowd).

SKIP: Welcome, welcome. Welcome to Fox’s brand new reality dating game show, “Wild Animals: Date or Mate” where we show you that it really is a jungle out there. Let’s meet our bachelorette, Tracey. Hello, Tracey.

(TRACEY comes out)

TRACEY: Hello, Skip.

SKIP: So, why don’t you tell us a bit about yourself?

TRACEY: Well, my name is Tracey, I’m 25-years-old, and I’m from Illinois. I used to work for the Governor’s office until, well, you know, that whole situation happened….

SKIP: So, tell me Tracey, how much did YOU pay to play with the Governor?

TRACY: (uncomfortable laughter) Well . . . let’s just say that . . . while he did beg for it, in the end, he paid to play with me.

(AUDIENCE laughs and whoops)

TRACY: (stiffly as if she memorized it exactly as was told) And Skip, let the record show that, he may be the troll that lives under the bridge, but there’s a whole lot of elfin magic under that hair.

(AUDIENCE laughs and whoops)

SKIP: Great. Clever quip as said by Tracey but written by our producers. Alright, Tracey, why don’t we get down to it. Let’s meet our bachelors.

(AUDIENCE applauds as HYENA, NAKED MOLE RAT, and AMOEBA file out and take their seats on the other side of the stage where TRACEY can’t see them).

SKIP: Welcome bachelors. It’s great to have you here today. Bachelor number one, please introduce yourself.

HYENA: Well, Skip. I’m currently splitting my time between parts of Africa and parts of Asia. I’m extremely intelligent and cunning. I’m also known for my lack of particularity when choosing my prey. Sometimes I’ll just take whatever I can get. If it has flesh, I’ll eat it.

SKIP: Great! Bachelor number two. What can you tell us about yourself?

NAKED MOLE RAT: Hey Skip. I’m old and I’m wrinkly. I live in a hole in the ground. I’m quirky, and you may not know what to make of me. Most of the time I’m naked, so some may think I’m always feeling vulnerable. But really I feel nothing. Really. I have no pain sensation.

SKIP: Thank you bachelor number two. Bachelor number three? What is your story?

AMOEBA: Yes. I’m a formless, shapeless creature that spends most of its time floating its way through life. I’m a loner, and I pretty much don’t need anybody to reproduce.

SKIP: Anything else? (whispers to AMOEBA) You may want to work a little harder selling yourself here.

AMOEBA: Nope. That’s it. Asexual and lovin it.

SKIP: Alright. So, let’s get down to it. Tracey here will be asking our bachelors a series of questions that she made up before the show. (aside) Well, that our producers made up, but don’t tell anybody. (to AUDIENCE) At the end of the show, Tracey will decide whether she wants to mate or date with one of our three bachelors. Are you ready Tracey?

TRACEY: You betcha! Bachelor number one…

HYENA: You sound delicious, baby.

TRACEY: (giggles) Thank you. Anyway, bachelor number one. What is your idea of the perfect mate?

HYENA: I’ll tell you who my perfect mate is not – a modernist. See, baby, I’m a city hyena and where I come from, the chicks are all hyper-aggressive, and I need their permission to enter their territory, so to speak. But, see, I want to be able to come and go when I please. You dig what I’m saying?

TRACEY: So, you’re saying you’re a dog?

HYENA: No, no, baby. I’m a hyena.

TRACEY: I was speaking figuratively.

HYENA: Oh.

TRACEY: (aggravated) Okay, bachelor number two.

NAKED MOLE RAT: Please not so loud. I’m not used to human interaction.

TRACEY: (brings her voice down) Is this better?

NAKED MOLE RAT: Much.

TRACEY: So, bachelor number two. What is your idea of a . . . perfect evening? (to PRODUCERS) That’s the best you could come up with? Okay, bachelor number two. Perfect evening. Go.

NAKED MOLE RAT: Well, like I said. I live in a hole in the ground and sometimes I can spend entire weekends in there without coming up for air. In fact, seeing that I’m cold-blooded, I really don’t spend much time outside my cave at all. I rarely leave, and when I do, it’s only when I have important things to attend to.

TRACEY: Really? So, you do nothing at all, then?

NAKED MOLE RAT: Nope.

TRACEY: And you like that?

NAKED MOLE RAT: It’s the safe way to do things.

TRACEY: Do women even interest you?

NAKED MOLE RAT: Well, I’m half-blind, so I don’t even see them anyway.

TRACEY: Well, this keeps getting better and better. Bachelor number three. Hi.

AMOEBA: Blurp.

TRACEY: Are you okay there?

AMOEBA: Sorry, the osmotic pressure is getting to me.

TRACEY: Okay. Bachelor number three. What’s your idea . . . of a perfect date? Didn’t we just have this question? Seriously.

AMOEBA: Well, to be honest, I don’t feel that I’m up to dating lately. My lack of spine and skeletal structure makes it difficult for me to stand upright, or get anything up for that matter. Also, the stress of dating just puts too much pressure on my sensitive cytoplasm. Too much stress, and I know that I’ll just explode. In fact, like I said, I’m asexual, so I don’t even know why I’m here.

TRACEY: Why are you here?

AMOEBA: Thought it was a good idea at the time.

TRACEY: Well, maybe you should have thought about it more carefully before you committed to this.

AMOEBA: Uh oh.

TRACEY: What?

(suddenly unable to handle the pressure, AMOEBA explodes splashing remnants of water, cytoplasm, and other matter all over the rest of the bachelors)

SKIP: It looks like we just lost our friend, Amoeba, there. Guess he really couldn’t handle the pressure. Well, we’re about out of time. So, Tracey. Who’s it going to be? Bachelor number one, bachelor number two, or bachelor . . . well one or two. Which is it?

TRACEY: Do I have to choose?

SKIP: Yes, you must choose.

TRACEY: But they’re all, no offense, animals.

SKIP: Choose.

TRACEY: But…

SKIP: Choose!

TRACEY: Can I take the puddle of water?

SKIP: No.

TRACEY: I guess I’ll go with the naked, wrinkly, blind thing.

SKIP: Bachelor number two . . . get on over here and meet your date or mate.

(NAKED MOLE RAT timidly gets up and begins walking toward TRACEY. Feeling around for his bearings, he bumps into several people and walls along the way. He then walks past TRACEY and off stage through the curtains)

TRACEY: Story of my life.

Tags: game show

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 5th, 2009 at 2:53 pm and is filed under Sketches. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.