The Working Horror (Topic: “Naked!”)
3 February 2012
by Peter Rogers
Here’s my take on the “Naked!” edition of Sketchwar.
INT. OFFICE DOOR – DAY
A sign on a door reads, “Stan Wellnitz, TSA Administrator.”
I just can’t do it, boss.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
WELLNITZ (50s) sits at his desk in a shabby little office.
CONNOR (20s, haunted) sits across from him.
Connor, this is silly. You’re the best backscatter analyst this airport has.
Too much nakedness. Too much.
Yes, when somebody steps into the airport scanning machine, you’re the guy that sees them more-or-less naked. So? You’re a big boy, Connor. It’s fine.
Maybe if I lived in France, or I dunno, Sweden, it would be fine. But we’re in America.
Off of Wellnitz’s puzzled look --
There are three million morbidly-obese people in this country, boss.
I think I’ve seen all of them.
Your problem is... the nudity?
So many skin diseases.
Well, just suck it up for eight hours a day, and --
This has ruined nudity for me, forever. I see naked people everywhere.
Wellnitz gets up from his desk.
What, so you can tell what I’m carrying now?
Keys, wallet, and fifty-seven cents in loose change.
This stuns Wellnitz for a moment, then --
You’re seeing me naked?
Connor stares somewhere far away.
Right now, I’m seeing a naked, four-hundred pound man with a
colostomy bag and a raging erection.
But I’m not four hundred pounds --
I saw that image three months ago.
It never leaves.
Connor, we started using software to distort the passengers’ faces and... intimate areas. So I think --
I know. They’re distorted freaks! They’re showing up in my nightmares.
Alright, fine, Connor.
It’s like David Cronenberg is directing my dreams.
Offscreen, the door opens.
Connor turns to see --
A horrible vision
A short, squat man, but black and white, naked, folds of fat everywhere, patchy skin, the face stretched out into a horrid rictus, the crotch eerily smoothed out.
back on connor
Connor yelps, cowers in his seat, rubs his eyes, and now we cut back to a...
normal shot of the office
We see that it’s RIKU (20s), the same short, squat guy, but fully clothed.
He’s still incredibly creepy, but he no longer looks like something out of Ringu.
Riku here can take on your responsibilities, Connor.
Riku gets uncomfortably close to Connor’s ear.
I want to see the naked people.
That’s good for you, right, Connor?
Yes. But --
Riku interrupts with a creepy noise.
-- but maybe not the best for passengers. Y’know what? I’ll... I’ll stick this out a while longer.
Yeah, you don’t need to transfer Riku.
Connor exits the office like a man walking up to the gallows.
You wouldn’t really put me on backscatter duty, would you?
Hell no. You’re just here to scare Connor back into line.
INT. OFFICE DOOR – DAY
Same as before.
Whew. Thank god. I’m creepy, but even I’ve got limits.