Game-Show Crimefighters!
6 March 2009
by Peter Rogers
Hi all — here’s my take on the “game show” edition of Sketchwar….
“Game-Show Crimefighters!”
FADE IN:
STILL FRAME
In the background, a warehouse EXPLODES!
In the foreground, CHUCK WOOLERY rockets away from the scene with a jetpack!
SUPER: “Game-Show Crimefighters”
NARRATOR (V.O.)
And now, back to Game-Show Crimefighters!
EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT
The dead of night. A desolate urban canyon.
ALEX TREBEK looks up at a big old building with a ton of windows. He wears all black, and has a rifle strapped across his back.
PAT SAJAK enters, dressed similarly and carrying a black duffel.
PAT SAJAK
Mr. Trebek.
ALEX TREBEK
Mr. Sajak. What’s on the board?
PAT SAJAK
It’s a place. We have two minutes. Good luck.
ALEX TREBEK
Drew Carey didn’t tell me which room Mr. L was in.
PAT SAJAK
Hold on.
Pat pulls a handheld video device from his pocket and speaks into it.
PAT SAJAK
Oh, Vanna?
An image appears --
ON THE VIDEO SCREEN
VANNA WHITE sits at a computer in a room full of high-tech equipment, including a large video wall.
VANNA WHITE
Pat, I hacked into the building’s security feeds.
As she speaks, she hits a few keys and a video feed of that same building shows up on the video wall.
PAT SAJAK
Tell me, are there any L’s?
She flashes her million-watt smile and gestures at a third-floor window.
With a ‘BING!’, a block-letter “L” appears in the window.
BACK TO SCENE
Alex Trebek and Pat Sajak look at the video screen.
ALEX TREBEK
Third floor.
PAT SAJAK
Rappelling equipment?
ALEX TREBEK
Actually, Pat, this building was constructed in the late 50s with basic brick-and-mortar construction. Windowsills of that era weren’t designed to hold significant weight, and --
PAT SAJAK
Zipwires, then?
ALEX TREBEK
You knows it.
INT. TORTURE ROOM – NIGHT
In the center of a big, empty room with big windows, two men face each other.
REGIS PHILBIN sits strapped to a chair, with an array of menacing-looking lasers pointed at his head.
Across from him, JAMES LIPTON sits in a swivel chair, a Persian cat in his lap.
On one of the swivel-chair’s armrests sits James Lipton’s usual stack of blue index cards.
On the other sits a control panel with several buttons and a hinged cover-plate.
JAMES LIPTON
Regis Aloysius Shaniqua Philbin. Host of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Noted crooner and memoirist. And first victim of the Laser-tron Engine of Doom.
REGIS PHILBIN
You’ll never get away with this, James Lipton!
JAMES LIPTON
Is that your final answer?
REGIS PHILBIN
You plagiarizing bastard!
JAMES LIPTON
Reeg. You spearheaded this blight of prime-time game shows that shouldered aside more high-minded discourse.
(to the cat)
Right, Brando?
REGIS PHILBIN
They give a chance for the little guy, the guy who isn’t already a big star, to get by on his smarts and be a hero!
JAMES LIPTON
Big talk, Mister Philbin, but this ends now! And when you reach heaven -- which should be in ten seconds --
James Lipton opens the cover plate, revealing a big red button.
He presses it.
JAMES LIPTON
-- tell them Jimmy sent you!
Lasers gradually WHIRR to life.
GLASS CRASHES!
James Lipton jumps from his seat to see --
ALEX TREBEK AND PAT SAJAK
-- standing in front of a shattered window.
PAT SAJAK
Welcome to the lightning round.
ALEX TREBEK
Or as they say on my set --
He aims the rifle at James Lipton, cocks it.
ALEX TREBEK
-- “Final Jeopardy.”
James Lipton pulls a smoke grenade out of a coat pocket and throws it to the ground.
Smoke fills the room.
Everyone coughs.
The lasers make more WARMING-UP noises.
Regis Philbin tries to wrench himself free, but it’s no use.
PAT SAJAK
Tear gas!
ALEX TREBEK
No, Pat, lachrymatory agents cause a variety of symptoms, including temporary blindness, and pain from the corneal nerves. This is a more conventional smoke grenade, which use white phosphorous to create a straightforward “fog-of-war” effect.
While this is going on, James Lipton snaps his fingers --
JAMES LIPTON
Third-year acting students!
Out of nowhere, four ACTING STUDENTS appear, carrying a sedan chair.
James Lipton boards the chair.
JAMES LIPTON
Visualize getting us the hell out of here!
-- and off they go.
Alex Trebek finds his way to James Lipton’s chair and presses one of the control-panel buttons.
The laser noises cut off.
Pat Sajak undoes Regis Philbin’s ropes.
PAT SAJAK
You okay there, Regis?
REGIS PHILBIN
Forget about me! Lipton’s getting away.
ALEX TREBEK
Don’t worry, Reeg. One day, we’ll give him some lovely parting gifts --
Regis Philbin and Pat Sajak look confused.
ALEX TREBEK
-- of pain!
All three laugh.
FREEZE-FRAME on that, and --
FADE TO BLACK.
Tags: game show
March 6th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Where were the monkeys? I was led to believe there would be monkeys!
March 6th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
James Lipton does have a certain Dr. No quality to him doesn't he? I wish I had third year acting students to eradicate my enemies. Much fun!
March 6th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
His mouth says Dr. No, but his eyes say Dr. Yes.
March 6th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
HA!
March 6th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Laughing my ass off…seriously. I bet these guys would DO this given a glimpse of it. SNL should do THIS instead of more fake Italian talk show crap or (shudder) McGiver rip-offs.
March 6th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Great scene, Peter! Now I want to see more of their adventures.
March 6th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
Thanks!
God knows, Pat Sajak is a funny, funny man (with a surprisingly dark sense of humor) — we had him as a contributor to topfive.com for a few years.
March 6th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
Dude, ya gotta leave *something* for the sequel!
March 6th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
~ chortle ~
March 6th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
Thanks! Yeah, once I figured out they were taking on James Lipton, I pretty much *had* to write it.
March 6th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
w00t! Many thanks!
March 7th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
[...] This time around, we had seven entries: “Wouldn’t It Be Better If…”, “Pay to Play!”, “Danielle Steel or Steely Dan?”, “The Game Show”, “Wild Animals: Date or Mate”, “Make ‘Em Pay!”, and my own “Game-Show Crimefighters!” [...]
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