INT. TV STUDIO – DAY

MEGAN THUNDER (20s, in miniskirt and halter top) and NICK STEELE (20s, in lycra shorts and Ed Hardy t-shirt) stand before a bank of monitors showing a variety of sports.

NICK

Yo, yo, yo! This. Is. The Ocho Report!

Obnoxious flying graphics scored with too-loud music identify this as “The Ocho Report” on ESPN 8.

CUT TO:

Back to studio.

MEGAN

Wassup, bitches? That was an exciting end to that race in Beverly Hills. We’ve got a lot to cover in this edition, but first let’s get the reaction from the winners with our own Brit Daniels.

EXT. RODEO DRIVE – DAY

BRIT DANIELS (20s, skankilicious in Leather Tuscadero’s hand-me-downs) interviews LONDON SHERATON (20s, faux fur and haute couture) and her little dog, too!

BRIT

Sweet job, London. You were behind the whole race, what kept you going?

LONDON

I just thought how hard my precious little babies had trained and I couldn’t give up on them.

Camera zooms out and we see a small, wheeled sled with a team of CHIHUAHUAS leashed to it.

BRIT

What are your plans now?

LONDON

I’m taking the whole team to Disney Land!

BRIT

Thanks London. Back to you, Nick.

INT. TV STUDIO – DAY

Megan’s chugging a Red Bull.

NICK

Ai-ight! That was the shit. Now let’s take a look at the action from the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club.

CUT TO:

The screens behind Nick and Megan showing old men playing croquet. It’s slow.

MEGAN (V.O.)

Here we’ve got Henry Higginbotham setting up a shot.

HENRY swings his mallet. His ball strikes another and stops.

MEGAN (V.O.) (CONT’D)

And, oh. I guess that was that shot. A little later on, we see Jeeves Chesterfield

(questioning)

taking a wicket?!?

JEEVES knocks a ball through a wicket.

MEGAN (V.O.) (CONT’D)

What the hell is this?

CUT TO:

Studio. Nick’s swings a croquet mallet like a golf club. He SMASHES something soft and it flies everywhere. He brings the mallet head up to his mouth and bites off a bit that stuck.

NICK

Dude! You want some of this?

MEGAN

Eww! No. What is it?

NICK

Salmon croquette. Makes the game much tastier.

MEGAN

Finally tonight, a braid-off.

NICK

That’s right, Megan. In Madison, Wisconsin this afternoon four of the flyest hairstylists in the greater Dane county area faced off for the title of Best Braider.

INT. THEATER – DAY

FOUR WOMEN with long hair sit in straight-backed chairs. Behind each of them is a PORTLY, MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN in a smock. The stylists and their clients wear matching numbers from 1 to 4. A SHRINER wearing the traditional fez stands nearby.

SHRINER

On your mark, get set, go!

The stylists get to braiding. Client #2 screams in pain.

SHRINER (CONT’D)

Number Two, you’re out!

NICK (V.O.)

The competition was furious. Fingers zipping through the air. Then something went horribly wrong.

Stylist #3 pulls out a clump of hair.

NICK (V.O.)

That’s gotta hurt!

SHRINER

Number Three is disqualified for using extensions.

NICK (V.O.)

The two remaining women went at it like wildcats in heat. Sweat pouring from their brows, hands a blur, locked in concentration.

Stylist #1 raises her hands in victory. Her client’s braid is complete.

NICK (V.O.) (CONT’D)

But in the end there could be only one!

INT. TV STUDIO – DAY

Megan on a cell phone.

MEGAN

Get me the hell off this sh--

BLACKOUT: