FADE IN: 

INT. BUSINESS OFFICE – DAY

MASON and ZANE (20s, fashion-y suits) sit across from T’HOTH, a robed, bumpy-headed alien with a sheaf of papers.

There are posters on the wall for movies like Dragonocalypse, The Gray Goo, and The Day the Moon Smashed Into the Earth.

T’HOTH

Conventionally, I would bring a battalion of spaceships to the planet, fire up large-phase energy weapons, and --

MASON

T’Hoth, Ima stop you right there.

ZANE

Spaceships?

MASON

Played out. Totally played out.

T’Hoth flips through his papers.

T’HOTH

But most of my methods for destroying planets are rather spaceship-centric.

MASON

’saright. You’ve destroyed hundreds of planets.

ZANE

Just show us what you got, High Emperor T’Hoth. All ears.

T’HOTH

Ah -- you could trap the Earth in a simultaneity loop. That way, temporal copies of the Earth keep appearing in the same moment, until it all compacts into a steady-state “neutron ring” along the planetary orbit --

MASON

Whoa.

ZANE

Too “science.”

MASON

It’s original, and that’s good.

ZANE

But we need a way to destroy the earth that a drooling, brain-damaged five-year-old can understand.

T’HOTH

You could stop the rotation of the earth’s core.

MASON

Done.

T’HOTH

Blow up the sun.

ZANE

Done.

T’HOTH

Hit the earth with a really big hammer.

MASON

Technically, the same as Armageddon.

T’HOTH

Amass an army of space dragons --

ZANE

Animals? Played. out.

T’HOTH

Crash the moon into --

MASON

Done.

T’HOTH

Comets ta--

MASON

Done.

T’HOTH

Open a wormh--

ZANE

Done. Twice.

T’HOTH

Well, that’s me out of ideas. I mean, in the long run it’ll be resource depletion and greenhouse gases --

MASON

Too Obama.

ZANE

Not enough explosions.

T’HOTH

Hey. Thanks for giving me a chance.

He shakes hands with Mason.

MASON

Check is in the mail, bro.

ZANE

So.

Zane pulls out a promotional one-sheet with: (1) a man running towards the camera with a gun; (2) lots of wind in the background; (3) the title “Assloads’o'Tornadoes.”

ZANE

We go with plan A?

MASON

Only if we pronounce it “TOR-nuh-doze.”

ZANE

Deal.

They shake hands.

STAR WIPE TO:

A CLOSE-UP OF THE POSTER

BACKGROUND SINGERS (V.O.)

Assloads of TOR-nuh-doze! / Spinnin’ around and destroyin’ the planet! / Assloads of TOR-nuh-doze! / Gonna hit that wind with a really big hammer! / Assloads of TOR-nuh-doze!

FADE OUT.