Cicero and Brutus

11 May 2009
by R.A. Porter

Being a radio interview conducted on the floor of the Roman Forum, 15 March, 44 B.C.

Sounds of cheering and applause.

CICERO

Brutus! Brutus! Do you have a minute?

(Beat)

Brutus, that was a hell of a shot there. Was that something you’d drawn up, or did you just take the dagger and create?

BRUTUS

We’ve got a lot of set plays for situations like these, Cicero. What we were trying to run there was a play called Red Rubicon Right, but Caesar anticipated and defended against it so I had to improvise.

CICERO

It certainly helped having the sixty to one power play.

BRUTUS

It did, but that wasn’t just luck. We worked hard to put ourselves in that position and it payed off.

CICERO

Everyone had written you off, so it must feel pretty good to pull off the upset tonight

BRUTUS

It does. I want to thank Jupiter for helping me strike true tonight.

CICERO

A lot of Caesar’s fans are upset by the outcome. Do you have anything to say to them?

A rustle of paper as Brutus pulls a prepared statement from his toga and clears his throat. He reads the statement with little emotion.

BRUTUS

If some people are upset by my actions, I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize to them. Now is the time to put all this behind us and come together as a Republic, but I take full responsibility for my actions.

CICERO

Rumor has it the Visigoths are itching for a rematch. What do you have to say about that?

BRUTUS

Oh, we welcome the challenge.

CICERO

What’s next for the Senate?

BRUTUS

We’ve got a tough home stand coming up against Mark Antony and that new kid, Octavian.

CICERO

That’s right. They picked Lepidus up off waivers, too. Right?

BRUTUS

That’s what I hear. We can’t rest on our laurels, and if we try to look past these two we’ll be out of this thing before we even get started. That’s a tough team and it’s going to take everything we’ve got to go up against them.

CICERO

Thanks for taking the time, Brutus. I know you’ve got a lot ahead of you, but before you go...you’ve just killed Rome’s Dictator for Life. What are you going to do now?

BRUTUS

I’m going to Crete!

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R.A. Porter is an aspiring television writer who currently toils away in the software mines. He can be found at DreamLoom, his personal blog, Tumblr, and stalked on Twitter.

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6 Responses to “Cicero and Brutus”

  1. LRaica Says:

    Was able to just get to this today. Ah, nothing says comedy more than the betrayal and slaying of an evil dictator. Though I hardly think Cicero is keeping an objective distance here – sneaky little bastard. Fox News, ancient Rome style. Nice job. :-)

  2. R.A. Porter Says:

    Thanks! I will try to get to yours later today. I've been *buried* lately.

  3. Sketch War » Blog Archive » Interviews That Never Aired Wrapup Says:

    [...] Coyote dusted off an oldie. A *really* oldie. This interview has been locked away for MMLIII years… [...]

  4. Sketch War » Blog Archive » Peter’s Commentary on the “Interviews That Never Aired” Edition Says:

    [...] “Cicero and Brutus” I admit, this didn’t strike me as the most promising comic material — a post-game-style interview following the assassination of Julius Caesar — but it starting winning me over in short order.  “Sixty-to-one power play” is just plain funny, as is thanking Jupiter for your victory. [...]

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