[scrippet]
INT. TV STUDIO – DAY
MEGAN THUNDER (20s, in miniskirt and halter top) and NICK STEELE (20s, in lycra shorts and Ed Hardy t-shirt) stand before a bank of monitors showing a variety of sports.

NICK
Yo, yo, yo! This. Is. The Ocho Report!

Obnoxious flying graphics scored with too-loud music identify this as “The Ocho Report” on ESPN 8.

CUT TO:
Back to studio.
(more…)

Oops! Very late, sorry. I’ve had my nose buried in “Anathem” for the past few days, every moment I’m not working or sleeping, so I kinda let this slip. A bit. Again, sorry.

Anyway…

• DNW went searching googling back to the future, or forward to the past, or something like that…
• Coyote, well, he wrote *something*. I think he was drinking too much of that cocaine-fortified bourbon…
• Dave had the first of his three episodes of “Boring Science Fiction Theater”…
• Quickly followed by Dave’s 2nd episode, now with more bad luck…
• EL showed us a slice of the REAL Bing Crosby…
• Things weren’t going so great for Ken’s friend, Matt Mercury…
• Dave came through again with #3. It’s always about sandwiches…
• Peter closed the battle with Raoul and Dave globetrotting, causing mayhem wherever they go.

This week’s battle (normally I’d say next week there, you notice?) is Odd Sporting Events.

If you think you’ve got the comedy chops to do battle with our scarred and bitter warriors, if you dare step into the hailstorm of seltzer and cream pies, if you think you’re MAN ENOUGH or WOMAN ENOUGH to make us laugh, write a sketch and contact us at submissions(nospam)@sketchwar.org.

Oy. Out of the last three weeks, I’ve had big problems with two of our topics. I certainly hope things get better soon. This one…well, I think I’ve got the feel almost right, but other than a few chuckles spread throughout, I don’t think I really brought the funny.

Y’all be the judges.

[scrippet]
INT. RADIO STUDIO – NIGHT
Fat ties and fedoras. Polka dots and pert curls. A haze of yellow smoke hovers near the ceiling of a large, soundproofed studio. PERFORMERS stand one or two to a mic, huge booms hanging from the ceiling emblazoned with the DUMONT logo, scripts in hand or on music stands. In the back of the room sits ORGANIST. Next to her, TWO FOLEY ARTISTS with their collection of sound effects.

RODERICK BEAN (50s, balding, stooped in a too-large suit) shares a mic with BEA MORTIMER (20s and stunning in gold hair and yellow dress). He speaks with a rich baritone to match her sultry alto.

(more…)

It looks like a few of our warriors got caught up having tea or standing in line at the Post Office this week. Either way, only three of us entered the ring. Fortunately (or un-, depending on your opinion) I stretched my entry into a four-part runner when I decided I hadn’t ended the first part strongly enough. So from three battlers: six sketches.

• RA led the fight with a magical audit…
• EL discussed and debated tax code and deductions…
• RA invited a fuzzy friend in for a furry audit…
• RA continued the auditing amusement with a cougar on the prowl…
• Unable to shut his damn self up, RA finished the cycle with the IRS vs. Lucky the Leprechaun…
• Peter brought all the runners home with my biggest nightmare.

I wish we’d seen a few more takes on the topic, but maybe talking about taxes the same week they were due was too much to bear. Next week we’ll be closing our eyes and increasing our consumption of Ovaltine as we roll out sketches on the theme of Old-Time Radio Serials. As a side note, we could use some more sketch topics, so if you’ve got something you’d like to see us tackle, leave it in a comment.

If you think you’ve got the comedy chops to do battle with our scarred and bitter warriors, if you dare step into the hailstorm of seltzer and cream pies, if you think you’re MAN ENOUGH or WOMAN ENOUGH to make us laugh, write a sketch and contact us at submissions(nospam)@sketchwar.org.

[scrippet]
INT. IRS OFFICE – DAY
LUCKY THE LEPRECHAUN, in full green regalia, sits in the hotseat opposite Clark, who flips through a folder.

CLARK
It appears all your income for the past several years has been from speaking engagements?

Lucky speaks at Brogue Factor 9.

LUCKY
Aye. It’s lucrative but keeps me on the road a fair bit o’ time.

CLARK
Right, right. All your associated travel deductions appear to be in order. How did you get into that line of work, if you don’t mind me asking?
(more…)

Ken, and my weak ending on Part 1, inspired me to turn this into a runner. We’ll see how this goes.

I think I started pretty strong, built nicely to a really cool visual, and then petered out. Oh well. Enjoy the laughs it provides and dream of a better ending.

[scrippet]
INT. IRS OFFICE – DAY
CLARK FRENELL (40s, gray suit, his picture is next to “ectomorph” in the dictionary) stands a respectful distance behind DEATH, hand on the doorknob to leave.

CLARK
…then I’ll expect you back here, with those receipts, Tuesday morning.

DEATH
I told you, I’m not sure I know where they all are.

CLARK
That might be a problem, Mister Death. The United States government doesn’t look kindly on tax cheats.

Death spins his head around 180 degrees to face Clark.
(more…)

There. I’ve said it. Feels good to get that off my chest after all these years. All these years of pretending to be a fan, of making excuses for why I can’t make someone’s improv show, of feigning interest in watching people exercise.

Look, I’ve done my share of improv. It’s important to any actor honing his craft to learn to be agile and quick-witted on stage. You never know when someone’s going to go off book. Hell, it might be you, losing your place and forgetting your lines. Though I haven’t trod boards for years, I’m still blasted awake by the actor’s nightmare once or twice a year: it’s my cue to go on and I have not idea what play we’re doing or what my lines are.

Improv can save you. Once, my fellow actors and I – *six* of us – all simultaneously forgot our place in a party scene. I have no idea how or why, but we knew our characters and were able to vamp our way back to solid ground. And it can do much more. It can teach you how to quickly establish character and setting to an audience. To the non-Method amongst us, that can be important.

So if improv is useful to learn, important to practice, and can save your ass on stage, why don’t I like it?

Well, doing squats is essential to a point guard but I’m not going to pay money to watch Steve Nash do a lower body workout for two hours. Improv’s the same to me: a series of exercises that improve one’s ability to perform. They’re part of the road, not the destination.

So, no. Unless I’m thinking about casting you in something, we’re very close, or I owe you, I’m not going to your improv show.

Sorry, there are no polls available at the moment.

Sorry. That’s all I’ve got to say about this past week’s topic. We tried, I swear.

• EL led off with angry mobs and post-apocalyptic potato warfare…
• RA followed with a series of pranks. If she teases you, she must like you…
• EL shot back with a muffin…
• David went for a drive. Fast. Really fast. What could go wrong?
• Michael just wanted his coffee cup…
• Peter and a few friends listen to some classical music, but you know how bad reception can be.

Really, we’re all sorry. But the next battle…that should be…oh hell. It’ll be better than silent even if it’s not good. I promise that. This week: The Taxman Cometh.

If you think you’ve got the comedy chops to do battle with our scarred and bitter warriors, if you dare step into the hailstorm of seltzer and cream pies, if you think you’re MAN ENOUGH or WOMAN ENOUGH to make us laugh, write a sketch and contact us at submissions(nospam)@sketchwar.org.

Since we haven’t been getting many votes on the polls (and since this battle was so painful,) I’m not putting up a poll this week. Let me know in comments if I should bother to bring that back next week and if y’all plan on voting. What’s truly sad is we weren’t even getting a vote from every *competitor*. That’s not a good sign.